Treating everyone the same. Can you honestly say you do in all aspects?

[CuriouslyGinger]

Because I don't and everything is fine.

I know it's a huge taboo on here and I know situations vary which will of course vary the reactions of those involved but honestly, who can actually say they treat all the children identically?

I'm not talking one child eating bread and water and the other having steak obviously, general day to day things like house rules etc... are the same just by virtue of both parents living in the same house.

In our situation, my DC is my ultimate priority and I save my parental efforts for them solely and I guess luxuries are included in this.

I save for my DC every month. I know my husband doesn't for his DC and that's not my business. Yes it will mean our DC will have something when they get older which his won't but honestly, it's not my responsibility if his parents choose not to do that.

I won't compromise on doing things with our DC if my DSC are at their mums. If it's a nice weekend and our DC wants to go to the beach, I'm not telling them no, I don't care who isn't there. We'll go again another time if it's a problem.

I spend more on our DC at Christmas and birthdays. We have separate finances for most things and so I buy a lot for our DC separately and yes most years I reckon I end up spending more on them than DH does on the DSC, I do put to their main present but DH buys the bulk of it out if his money. They don't usually open presents at the same time and there is a big enough age gap for it not to be obvious imo but I'm not going to stop doing it. If I see something my DC will like, I won't not buy it unless I get something of equal value for my DSC. If my husband thinks that's unfair, he can top it up himself. Same with birthdays. I don't think 'well we only spend X on DSC so I can't buy that for DC'.

I take our DC on holidays with my family which DSC don't come on (neither does DH). It's time for them to spend with their family and I don't feel guilty. The fact that DSC are in school means we don't get to go on huge holidays with them as it's extremely expensive in the holidays. Our DC isn't and so I take them outside of term time with my parents. This will obviously change when they start school too but I wanted to make the most of the time they weren't.

Our DC will get my share of any inheritance, I won't be splitting it equally between them all.

I don't really get involved in hands on care of DSC, unless in emergencies. School runs, childcare, the recent homeschooling chaos etc.. not my business.

I'm sure there are many more step parenting taboos that go on in our family.

And you know, everyone is fine. Me and DSC have a great relationship. I'm sure people will tell me I'm naive and the children will feel hated and so on... But I know that's not true. They regularly chat to me, play with me, text me when they aren't here, are genuinely happy children and they love their sibling. They just haven't been lead to believe that I'm another mother to them.

Can anyone here honestly say they do everything 100% equally 100% of the time?

Nope. My SC have 2 parents.
I don't have any kids of just my own, my 2 DC are joint with my DP and I don't even treat them exactly the same all the time. Its not what happens in reality.
What I dislike as well is that the SC always come first.... Why?
Why do they?
Why are they more important than joint DC?
Why is the assumption that if a father has another partner / wife / children that his first born children are the MOST IMPORTANT?
Luckily this doesn't happen in our house.
I was brought up that everyone is equal, no one is more important than anyone else.

@Hiphopboppertybop99

Nope. My SC have 2 parents. I don't have any kids of just my own, my 2 DC are joint with my DP and I don't even treat them exactly the same all the time. Its not what happens in reality. What I dislike as well is that the SC always come first.... Why? Why do they? Why are they more important than joint DC? Why is the assumption that if a father has another partner / wife / children that his first born children are the MOST IMPORTANT? Luckily this doesn't happen in our house. I was brought up that everyone is equal, no one is more important than anyone else.

Many stepfamilies can be like animal farm. Everyone is equal, but some children are more equal than others.

@Magda72 so refreshing to hear about a mum being positive about a step mum relationship with their kids, so healthy and lovely.

‘’Kids know who their mummy and daddy are don’t they? So why would anyone deliberately lead them to believe that any other adult in their life should treat them just as mummy and daddy do? And that it’s a terrible thing if they don’t?’’

The only problem with this is when one set of kids have a non resident parent who doesn’t want to be part of their lives. In my case it was their dad, and fair or unfair, I looked to my dh (their step dad) to care and treat them as his own.

The only problem with this is when one set of kids have a non resident parent who doesn’t want to be part of their lives. In my case it was their dad, and fair or unfair, I looked to my dh (their step dad) to care and treat them as his own
I’m going to assume you didn’t say to the kids “this is my new boyfriend Dave but you can call him Dad and he will love you and do everything your twat of a father should be doing or else he’s a twat too and oh how worthless and awful and rejected you will feel if he’s doesn’t step up like I’ve unilaterally decided he should do”
Meanwhile Dave is standing there thinking “what the fuck, I agreed to buy the kids an ice cream, not take full parental responsibility for them you crazy bitch”.
Presumably you told him “this is what I need from you - in or out?” And he said “I’m in”, in which case all is well and that’s not what I was taking about at all.
My point being it has to be a two way street.

I wish I could say the same. My dsd asks me for things all the time because she thinks I’m rich 😏 I’m not at all but her mum knows what I do as a job and he mum says well you will have to ask flying then won’t you. Everyday she asks me for a new something even when with her mum texts me asking will I get her the latest Lego or trainers. Her mum also thinks I’m entitled to have her same amount as her when dh is working away. Dsd went through my phone last year and seen me and my mum took my kids to beach and she took a tantrum I love my children more and told her mum and she made a comment to dh. Dh was away on business. She thinks our lives should stop to she returns, has a strip if my youngest has ice cream even when she gets it cos he dc had some when she wasn’t here.
She doesn’t see the difference in me or her mum says she loves us both the same and wants to be a proper mum like me cos I clean and cook nice dinners. There is lack of parenting from her mother.
I wanted to start a new savings account for my children with my money and told dh how much it be in ten years added up he split it in 4 for our 3 and his dd. So I have to do al equal for an easy life 😫 more for dsd as she very jealous even if I spoke one extra sentence to one of mine. Even her mums sisters said I was a bollox doing all I do 😂

Youseethethingis I never had either conversation you mention with my kids or dh. It evolved naturally over many years, he responsibility and as adults they now see him as their parent. They have never wanted to call him dad and he has never wanted that either as one of his children is jealous enough without that!

*he took responsibility

@Ibizafun well that just goes to show that people are different. I can’t imagine expecting a new boyfriend to take on the role of father to my son without speaking to him about it first.
I’m glad things evolved as you hoped they would, that was quite the leap of faith.

Youseethethingis more the role of step parent.. just a very good one. I let his relationship with my kids develop well before I married him.

@CuriouslyGinger and everyone else, thank you for sharing your experiences.

This has been absolutely eye opening. I had no idea others experience the same problem. I thought I was the problem.

I'm am told off almost daily by OH for not treating everyone the same, and I do try to as much as possible (probably through fear of being told off) and also because I don't want DSC to think I don't love or care for them, which obviously I do.

Any slight difference in how they are treated gets picked up by OH and I get told off for it about why it's not acceptable.

The similarities of all of your experiences are uncanny. Days out, holidays, even had issues with cake making!

My DD (9) has a passion for cake making (as do most children to be fair), and so I suggested encouraging that passion by buying her her own cheap food mixer for her birthday - strange present but I know she would be thrilled with it. DSS is older and has many passions which we support, including gaming and playing for multiple football teams. Anyway, I was told that's a bad idea as DSS would feel left out because he also enjoys cake making. I don't dare buy it. Maybe I just need to grow a back bone 🤔

And don't even get me started on holidays!!

@RainbowSetting Your husband sounds incredibly controlling, YANBU. The worst part is the cake part. Any child that is no longer a toddler needs to get used to feeling "left out" on other people's birthdays, it is a natural part of growing up to understand that event isn't about you and you will have your own birthday. If he can't even accept inequality on people's individual birthdays I dread to think what he's like the rest of the time.

I think mine are all treated equally but not really the same as they all are at different stages.

I have 1 DS and DSD & DSS. I would say in some ways I am closer to DSD in everyday life. We chat daily, see each other a couple of times a week. We are very different in our opinions and outlooks but we are both good with this and navigate around it. Caused more issues when she was a teenager as we clashed a lot more.

DS is a lot like me in his ways that he is more private and likes to just get on with things we see each other weekly and chat when he calls me but never answers his phone when I call, standing joke about how rubbish he is at staying in touch with his phone.

DS (16) lives with us and is youngest. Older 2 give him a hard time of how he has it easy compared to them growing up (all in a lighthearted way but they are right). He swings from being high maintenance to so laid back he is horizontal in that way that they are at 16. He does have it easier in that, we are financially more stable now so he probably does have more from a material point of view and also the benefit of being last at home. Plus he doesn't give us half the grief the others did growing up (or we are older and wiser and learnt to pick our battles).

DSD and DS have had far more of our time and attention of the last 18 months due to things happening in their life which just meant that they needed us more.

DS and his GF have baby due in summer and know that when they need us we will be there to give the support and help they need. So again the balance will shift towards them.

I have been in DSD and DS's life since DS was 1 so this may help but I think also that this hasn't been forced on me (in fact their mom would rather I just die and stop taking over her motherly duties - as she frequently tells us) and my relationship has grown with them over the years, DH and my DS get on better than he does with his DD (my dsd) as he finds her quite challenging and he doesn't cope well with how she can be sometimes.

@asofanearyou thank you. That's reassuring. Wasn't sure I was going mad and was being unreasonable. I really am questioning by own behaviour a lot at the moment. Is it me? Is it them? Just not sure anymore.

That sounds hard @RainbowSetting.

It's not ok that your DD can't have something for her birthday because your stepson likes baking too. That the kind of convoluted yet utterly askew logic only a guilt-ridden NRP seems to understand.

I am currently livid about the inequality in how the children in my house are treated. My husband spoils his children SO much. Their behaviour is dreadful and damaging to the other children. Because of this we tend to do things separately when they're here. That means DS3 doesn't get to see much of his dad because he's out entertaining the children whose ongoing and consistent behaviour issues mean we can't do things together.

This weekend I have absolutely lost it with my selfish and useless husband. I never get to do anything with my sons. He makes me feel guilty if I do so much as go out and buy an ice cream. Meanwhile he's planning holiday camp weekends with his children. This weekend we did nothing interesting. A trip to the shops to buy basics. And I helped DS make a crispy cake for something to do. Meanwhile, my husband secretively (literally hiding what the events he's planned are in the shared diary as 'busy') took his daughter to a new sports class he's booked for her, his son to a trampoline park and then both children to soft play on Saturday.

What has absolutely tipped me over to fury, however, is that on Sunday he took his children whose behaviour disrupts all aspects of our family life and prevents us from doing things together on a really special day out to a theme park and then out for dinner. He didn't see DS3 at all because he left early and came back after bedtime. It came out yesterday that (what was obviously a special day out far away) was a theme park. The highlight of our day was a trip to fucking Asda.

I am so angry with him. My children are being punished and miss out on loads because his children's behaviour is awful. But he's actively rewarding them with huge treats because he doesn't want to do boring things at the weekend. And acting like a martyr because he has to look after his extremely badly behaved children.

The total arsehole had the temerity to claim that a theme park trip was not a big treat for them. In fact, I was supposed to feel sorry for them because DSD (whose behaviour is appalling) couldn't go on all the rides she wanted because she needed to go on with an adult but I wasn't there to look after DSS.

So things are definitely not equal nor are they fair in our blended family. Not even close. And it's no wonder the SC's behaviour doesn't improve. They are getting everything they want and special treats because they are so bloody naughty.

By my husband is so driven by a mix of male entitlement and divorced dad guilt that he actually thinks he's the one being mistreated here, and that his poor little darlings are being excluded. 🤬

@fishyfriday that sounds horrible and I dont say this lightly but I think you need to consider if you would be better off splitting up with you husband. This doent sound like a healthy dynamic.
Or as an alternative spell it out to you husband the impact this is having and suggest counselling for him and or as a couple so you can adress this as the older your DS gets the more hes going to notice. Also as your DH is hiding these plans from you he is fully aware of what he is doing.

[quote Aimee1987]@fishyfriday that sounds horrible and I dont say this lightly but I think you need to consider if you would be better off splitting up with you husband. This doent sound like a healthy dynamic.
Or as an alternative spell it out to you husband the impact this is having and suggest counselling for him and or as a couple so you can adress this as the older your DS gets the more hes going to notice. Also as your DH is hiding these plans from you he is fully aware of what he is doing.[/quote]
Oh I know. He absolutely knows what he's doing. He knows his children are dreadfully behaved. He knows it negatively affects everyone. He knows he's hiding things on purpose and behaving badly. None of this reflects well on him at all. Nor does his weird projection and gaslighting where he hides things and then has a go at me for the 'virtues of openness' because I won't tell him who I'm texting (why should I need to tell him that I'm texting a friend, and what we are talking about?).

We are waiting for a relate slot. But, seriously, I'm planning to leave when I go back to work after maternity leave. The only thing that makes me think twice about this is that he'll then be exposing DS3 to his other children's atrocious behaviour when he has contact. And I know how bad his NRP approach is.

I think the big difference here is that OP DH pulls his own weight with his own kids. She isn't left to act like the kids mother. This causes so much resentment to the SM.

Also another difference is OP doesn't want to act like their mother. She's drew clear boundaries and every one knows where they stand and this leads to security. I had a SM who demanded to be the 'mother' of the house ( was in charge of present buying and had to hand them out personally, had to be the go between between parents, had to go to parents evening because she wouldn't let my dad take the night of work, had to take me to A&E because she wouldn't let my dad take the night of work, had to come to the hospital with me when I was labour because she wouldn't wake my dad because he had been working - I was 16) but then didn't want to treat us all equally. eg buying me a fucking alarm clock and hair drier and my brothers a Nintendo each for xmas. Which then caused me insecurity and resentment.

I get that SM take a lot of shit by the look of it on here - some totally un called for. But some of it it brought on by themselves as I've lived it.