Treating everyone the same. Can you honestly say you do in all aspects?

[CuriouslyGinger]

Because I don't and everything is fine.

I know it's a huge taboo on here and I know situations vary which will of course vary the reactions of those involved but honestly, who can actually say they treat all the children identically?

I'm not talking one child eating bread and water and the other having steak obviously, general day to day things like house rules etc... are the same just by virtue of both parents living in the same house.

In our situation, my DC is my ultimate priority and I save my parental efforts for them solely and I guess luxuries are included in this.

I save for my DC every month. I know my husband doesn't for his DC and that's not my business. Yes it will mean our DC will have something when they get older which his won't but honestly, it's not my responsibility if his parents choose not to do that.

I won't compromise on doing things with our DC if my DSC are at their mums. If it's a nice weekend and our DC wants to go to the beach, I'm not telling them no, I don't care who isn't there. We'll go again another time if it's a problem.

I spend more on our DC at Christmas and birthdays. We have separate finances for most things and so I buy a lot for our DC separately and yes most years I reckon I end up spending more on them than DH does on the DSC, I do put to their main present but DH buys the bulk of it out if his money. They don't usually open presents at the same time and there is a big enough age gap for it not to be obvious imo but I'm not going to stop doing it. If I see something my DC will like, I won't not buy it unless I get something of equal value for my DSC. If my husband thinks that's unfair, he can top it up himself. Same with birthdays. I don't think 'well we only spend X on DSC so I can't buy that for DC'.

I take our DC on holidays with my family which DSC don't come on (neither does DH). It's time for them to spend with their family and I don't feel guilty. The fact that DSC are in school means we don't get to go on huge holidays with them as it's extremely expensive in the holidays. Our DC isn't and so I take them outside of term time with my parents. This will obviously change when they start school too but I wanted to make the most of the time they weren't.

Our DC will get my share of any inheritance, I won't be splitting it equally between them all.

I don't really get involved in hands on care of DSC, unless in emergencies. School runs, childcare, the recent homeschooling chaos etc.. not my business.

I'm sure there are many more step parenting taboos that go on in our family.

And you know, everyone is fine. Me and DSC have a great relationship. I'm sure people will tell me I'm naive and the children will feel hated and so on... But I know that's not true. They regularly chat to me, play with me, text me when they aren't here, are genuinely happy children and they love their sibling. They just haven't been lead to believe that I'm another mother to them.

Can anyone here honestly say they do everything 100% equally 100% of the time?

All my dc, step included get treated differently depending on who is doing what with who.

I really hate the everything has to be the same brigade, if dd needs shoes I don't buy ds and dss shoes just because dd got new shoes. I wouldn't buy ds a chocolate bar and not the other two if they were both home, but of they were both with their other parent I wouldn't buy 3 bars of chocolate for 2 to be saved for when they're next home.

Me and dh go 50/50 on household bills. His ds probably has more little toys/treats in some ways from dh then mine, but mine are teenagers and don't want £3 checkout toys and mine get treats separately too. My ds likes call of duty, I have bought him the new call of duty for the last couple of years when it comes out without the other two getting £60 games.

Dh is a bit different to me and does buy dss chocolate when he buys my two chocolate for it to be saved. Thats up to him and thats his way, I've got mine and we mostly rub along OK parenting wise.

Not at all, SD is not my child. If I can't express any kind of opinion and have to put up and shut up, even in cases of bad behaviour then she doesn't reap any benefits from me.

If DH wants to organise savings, include her in his heritance etc. then thats great but she won't be part of mine.

I don't do any of the things in your OP either, and no it hasn't caused any problems and I can't say I devote a lot of energy to worrying about everything being the same. I think the last part of your post has it spot on as well, about them not being raised to see you as a mum so not having a problem with it. I quite often feel my 7 year old SC understands that far more than half the adults on this forum.

Of course not, equality isn't about it being the same. If I notice dsc are growing out of clothes etc I tell their parents but it isn't my place to fix it. Savings are smqe here but only I save for our joint dc so in a way they are being treated equally by their father as he saves nothing for all of them!

They just haven't been lead to believe that I'm another mother to them.
@CuriouslyGinger & that's the key to all this & to most of the agrro seen on here: that the sm is EXPECTED to view & treat the sdc as 'hers' & if she doesn't they will be scarred for life.
Bollocks to that I say!
My dc are similar. They have a great relationship with their sm but she obviously treats her own dc differently. My dc have NO problem with this. They know who their parents are and whose responsibility it is to pay for them, treat them, show up for them & prioritise them when needs must. They do not expect this of their sm as neither I nor exh expect it, so our dc are free to have a lovely uncomplicated relationship with her with no expectations of her bar she's nice & welcoming to them which she is - in spades.
Yours is very much the right attitude imo & your sdc will benefit from it in the long run.

I don’t understand why that’s taboo? Your own child absolutely deserves more of you than your step children (and I say that as neither a step mother nor having a step mother involved in my children’s lives). You’re not your step children’s mother, and while it’s really brilliant you have such a close relationship with them, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all by reserving your efforts for your child. It sounds like you’ve got a great dynamic with DSC, if it works thats all that matters

Sounds normal to me. Most of the things you mention aren't a big deal or balence out anyway. Beach day - you can go again. Sdc get fewer presents from dad - yes, but they also get presents from their mum.

Kids know who their mummy and daddy are don’t they? So why would anyone deliberately lead them to believe that any other adult in their life should treat them just as mummy and daddy do? And that it’s a terrible thing if they don’t?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, it’s all about realistic expectations.
I certainly don’t treat my DSD equally to my son. I’m not an equal parent so 🤷‍♀️
So many people seem to think that must mean I banish her to the tower with her bowl of gruel when she’s here. In fact we made Mother’s Day cards and tissue roses for her mum this weekend, had a jolly old time to ourselves. But she’s not getting half my inheritance and I’m not setting up a savings account for her and I don’t buy her something every time I buy my son something (treat from the gift shop on a day out aside).

I do not always do things 100% equally with my own children but we do try to do things equitably ( not necessarily equally ) among all of the children.

All of the children receive pretty much the dame things. Finances in the 4 households are essentially in the same range and the kids are fortunate in that pennies are not pinched as relates to them in any household.

They are not children who count gifts by the number, but they would all be aware of attitudes that suggested that anyone of them was entitled to more or less because of their status.

In our respective households , gifts are given out of love and a desire to please . We do not do gifts by the number.

I think I’m quite similar to you OP although we probably spend more on DSDs presents because she’s older and wants more expensive stuff whereas our DC are littler. In my view I don’t need to treat DSD like my own child and she doesn’t need or want a second mum as she already has a mum and dad, if I were to treat her like my own then she has three people (4 including her stepdad) whereas my DC only have me and DH so someone needs to be putting them first. That’s also my view in terms of savings and inheritance.
We do try to plan big days out for when DSD is here but if for whatever reason she isn’t then it doesn’t stop us doing things.
When DSD is physically with us I do treat them equally in terms of attention, buying treats, choosing activities etc and I have a good relationship with her.

When children have a different mum/dad and different relatives, they will never get exactly the same.

People expect stepparents and stepparent’s family to treat the stepchildren exactly the same as their own children/grandchildren, but to me that’s unfair and unrealistic. It sends the message out that one child is owed absolutely everything by absolutely everybody.

I was begrudged a nice day out at the beach with my parents and my own children by my ex’s ex wife because dsc didn’t come. Even though dsc got plenty of days out with mum like I wanted my children to have with me. So really thinking about it, it was equal. Each getting quality time with their own mums.

@Magda72

They just haven't been lead to believe that I'm another mother to them. *@CuriouslyGinger* & that's the key to all this & to most of the agrro seen on here: that the sm is EXPECTED to view & treat the sdc as 'hers' & if she doesn't they will be scarred for life. Bollocks to that I say! My dc are similar. They have a great relationship with their sm but she obviously treats her own dc differently. My dc have NO problem with this. They know who their parents are and whose responsibility it is to pay for them, treat them, show up for them & prioritise them when needs must. They do not expect this of their sm as neither I nor exh expect it, so our dc are free to have a lovely uncomplicated relationship with her with no expectations of her bar she's nice & welcoming to them which she is - in spades. Yours is very much the right attitude imo & your sdc will benefit from it in the long run.

This is a really important point.

I’m a SM who is constantly expected to treat my husband’s children as if they are ‘mine’ (except in the having any say over anything or being able to do anything about problems). Indeed, I’m supposed to treat them more favourably than mine because they’re poor victims of divorce and not always here (let’s ignore all the things that happen at their mother’s house).

It’s impossible and exhausting. And it actually makes it utterly impossible to have any positive relationship with the children. It’s hard to pretend to be warm and welcoming to children when their father has ridiculous and utterly entitled expectations.

It’s my children that miss out. I can’t bake with or for them without questions about why I’m not including the other children. There should obviously only be cake if they’re here. And they must be the ones involved in making it. Never mind that they bake with their mother all the time. And they’re ridiculously critical and will just tell me that I’m not as good as her. I’ll just never bake with or for my children, lest my husband gets upset on behalf of his children.

There can be no ‘equal treatment’ for children when their circumstances are different. You can be as fair as possible, but that might mean that some children appear to get ‘more’.

For example, as RP I receive maintenance from my ex. This means that I pay for clubs and uniforms and things like that. It also means that my DS needs me to buy more clothes (because he’s here most of the time). My husband pays maintenance, and his kids are here less often. That maintenance is going towards all the additional clothes (and they have loads because their mum likes to buy them loads of stuff) and things like that. They just don’t need as many clothes in this house.

Yet I’ll still find myself having to justify having bought my son some tshirts and jeans when he’s grown out of what he had, because I didn’t also buy the same for children who don’t need them. They haven’t outgrown what they have, and they have more than enough to last even a whole week here without washing.

A failure to understand who is actually responsible and a misunderstanding of what ‘fairness’ is just lead to resentment.

FishyFriday why are you still with him? I'd crawl over fire before I'd let dp tell me I could or could not bake with my ow son or buy him clothes

FishyFriday why are you still with him? I'd crawl over fire before I'd let dp tell me I could or could not bake with my ow son or buy him clothes
I agree 100%. That sounds like death by a thousand cuts for your marriage, Fishy. Utterly intolerable and stupid attitude from your H. Annoyed on your child’s behalf.

@CuriouslyGinger nothing in your post remotely stood out as being unusual or unacceptable. It was all very familiar.

@FishyFriday Your DH sounds like a paranoid twit. Please ignore his nonsense. You’re doing nothing wrong. 💐

@Pleaseaddcaffine

FishyFriday why are you still with him? I'd crawl over fire before I'd let dp tell me I could or could not bake with my ow son or buy him clothes

Well I’m making plans to leave really. He’s in denial about this.

It’s not that he tells me not to buy clothes. It’s that he implies that I’ve done something wrong. Asks what I got for his kids. Goes on about ‘his money’ and how he subsidises DS (but I don’t subsidise his kids - which isn’t even true). And generally makes it all so uncomfortable that I wish I hadn’t bothered. So he’d claim that he was doing nothing wrong and I’m just imagining it all.

The baking is just annoying. If I did it and involved his kids (and I have), they just take over entirely and DS disappears off because he does not want to be involved. I did actually make pancakes for breakfast this morning (for my kids). My H sat there eating his cereal with a sulky face. Because you see, his children aren’t here. So why should anyone have anything other than boring breakfast? He wants me to do fun breakfast for his children (ideally every time they’re here, so they can love him). In his mind everyone gets it if they’re here, but they miss out if I do it when they’re not (never mind that their mum can treat them whenever she likes - and does). So I’m dreadful. But the message to my DS is very clearly that he doesn’t matter. It’s only H’s kids that matter.

So I’m making a point of only doing something like this on days they aren’t here. If their father wants them to have something fancy (rather than a choice of cereal, yoghurt or toast - so hardly prison food), he can make it for them. And everyone else. Since it’s important that no one misses out. Funnily enough, he doesn’t do it.

He even begrudges your son a nice breakfast? Unbelievable.
Well, sucks to be him because he’s going to lose you and find out he’s not that much of a catch with this steaming turd of an attitude problem.

@Youseethethingis

He even begrudges your son a nice breakfast? Unbelievable. Well, sucks to be him because he’s going to lose you and find out he’s not that much of a catch with this steaming turd of an attitude problem.

Well you see, his children aren’t here. They will be tomorrow morning. So obviously I should have waited til then to do it.

And he didn’t get any because it wasn’t ready by the time he needed to start work. He’s starting early because, utterly coincidentally (and in no way because he’s organising his work around what suits his ex), he needs to start work early every Wednesday morning (and then finish early because his ex insists she’ll only drop them off at a particular time). No one is allowed to interfere in or comment upon his working hours he claims. Except... it looks very much like it’s only me that isn’t allowed to say anything about them. It’s not like it affects me in any way if he works late. 🙄

I have seen similar small flickers in my DH too @FishyFriday. Usually over bigger things like days out, weekends away etc. If SD is here then obviously she is included but if not, tough! She does things with her mam so it's not as if she doesn't do anything.

I find myself wondering if its down to guilt, he is closer to my DS then his DD but that is due to age and circumstance. He has experienced more milestones with DS, adventures etc. If I was in my DH's shoes, I am not sure how I would feel.

However, the minute he started on about breakfast, clothes etc. I would lose my shit. You do right to think about leaving. Hopefully you have lots of family support but if not, you have support here

@FishyFriday I've noticed a few of your comments on threads. What a horrible situation to be in. Have you read the step monster book? Its well worth the read to help process what you're going through.

My DH is nowhere near as bad as some of the dads on this board, but finds it hard to accept when I'm inconsistent with parenting when he's just as bad imo worse our communication around this is utterly shit but in terms of money and treats we're more or less on the same page. His ds gets days out and treats as dh takes him out to spend one on one time so when I take my dc out or treat them when dss isn't here there isn't a problem. If your dh wants his kids to have more treats from him why doesn't he take his kids out and do that?

Utterly unfair and wrong. Dp doesn't do this but does fuss about his kids (our joint ds doesn't seem to be included in this statement). So getting them easter eggs but forgetting ds... I was cross and he did not understand why.
Fussing that there living arrangmnets eg bedrooms are not enough but doing absolutely nothing to fix it eg saving or earning more to rent a bigger place/pay for extension/save for mortgage

[quote Shinesun14]@FishyFriday I've noticed a few of your comments on threads. What a horrible situation to be in. Have you read the step monster book? Its well worth the read to help process what you're going through.

My DH is nowhere near as bad as some of the dads on this board, but finds it hard to accept when I'm inconsistent with parenting when he's just as bad imo worse our communication around this is utterly shit but in terms of money and treats we're more or less on the same page. His ds gets days out and treats as dh takes him out to spend one on one time so when I take my dc out or treat them when dss isn't here there isn't a problem. If your dh wants his kids to have more treats from him why doesn't he take his kids out and do that?[/quote]
He now does take them out on his own. But only because I refuse to go (there is a long list of reasons why I don’t want to).

That’s still not good enough. I’m being horrible and ‘separatist’. He clearly wants the adult company because (despite all the protesting about them) he finds it boring just him and them. He wants my ‘help’ (for which read: doing all the work).

He’s started trying to make me feel guilty by claiming that his kids are asking why we don’t go with them. And they wish we could all go together etc.

And he’s convinced it’s just me and everything was wonderful when we all did everything together. 🙄

How about he bakes with his kids for once? What an ass.

Are your DCs also his?

The baby is. DS isn’t.

So often I’ve found myself thinking, ‘why should I be doing this?’ So I l’ve stopped doing it. He can play games with his children, do craft activities, bake with them, endure imaginative play, and all the other things that he’d rather not do. Their mum does that stuff with them.

Stupidly I did used to do things like that. But it was thankless. He’d use it as excuse to bugger off and do something else. My son would go and hide in his room with a screen.

I make no apologies that my DD is my total priority.

I love my SD an incredible amount but do I treat her the exact same all the time? No.

She has her own mum. She doesn't need me doing all that on top and I'd never step on her mums toes either. My DD only has the one mother and mother figure - me..

I cant stand the "exactly the same brigade". It's not real life!