Am done with all this

[Louloubelle78]

Would love your thoughts on this. I am currently peri-menopausal, burnt out from lockdown and not sure whether I am coming or going at the moment.

I moved in with my partner 4 years ago. At the time his two daughters lived there FT. We have been together 7.5 years. I have a son who is now 10 and his daughters are 24 and 17. We took things v slow and dated for two years before we even mentioned a relationship to our kids. Before I moved in I broke it off, I wasn't sure if I could take on his girls and my son who has complex SN. I also had to leave my home area and close my business. So it was a big upheaval. The girls' mum literally lives at the end of our street but has basically tapped out being a parent.

The girls' came to live with my partner as she brought a flat, but didn't consider the fact she couldn't get the youngest to school on time (1 hour extra journey each way). The oldest moved in with her mum about two years ago. She has bad MH and has been an in-patient, I have had to clear up countless suicide attempts so my partner doesn't get upset and generally been there through an utterly awful time. I have been a mother to the youngest for the last four years. However, I suspect she is autistic for a number of reasons. My partner is really concerned,I researched through my network to get the best support for her but nothing has happened with it. Her behaviour affects the whole house.

I have worked at building a healthy relationship with both girls. Ignoring some rudeness and strange behaviour as I know the change must have been hard. Despite all of this they constantly fall out with me for no reason. However, it is the same behaviour they display to my partner and the mum, it's a weird bullying tactic, e.g. 'you ignored me when I was sat in my car on the road outside the house', leads to weeks of the silent treatment. I won't be bullied or disrespected as the adult in this house.

The younger daughter, has never spent more than 2 nights away EOW in 4 years. Me and my partner never get a break. Their mum never offers to have her. When my partner was travelling abroad her mum promised to help look after her but she kept coming back to the house. It's fine it's her home. However, a 'is it ok if she comes back for a few days, did you have plans?' would be appreciated. I have a good 'working relationship' with the mum and have always respected her views and opinions. There is this expectation I am always her to fill the gaps.

I am on my knees. I just want a few days, just me and my partner in the house. My son has blocks of time with his dad in the holidays, up to two weeks in the summer. He is a beautiful boy but very hardwork and can be challenging because of his needs. I always have to be on my toes, so I am glad of a break, although I miss him. Yet, I am still having to cook/ clean etc and never fully relax and I work full time.

I asked for his daughter to go to her mum for a few days over Easter and he brushed it off. Despite my constant low mood. Last night I felt so bad I could t sit at the table and eat with them. Yes, yes, I knew what I was getting into. There is never a break though. My partner's mum and dad. Totally get it and are super supportive, but my partner won't listen to anyone.

His mum told him the youngest should be here two weeks and with her mum one week, but my partner ignores all this. I told him I was leaving the other week, but he smooths it over for a couple of days and we go back to the old ways.

WWYD if you were me?

Sorry. Life's to short. Step-parenting is really hard, and unless the relationship with your partner is fantastic, it's just not worth it.

This struck me I have had to clear up countless suicide attempts so my partner doesn't get upset you’re hiding this to save his feelings?
What a waste of space as a father he is!
In your shoes, I’d leave, you’re being treated like a skivvy.

That's the dilemma @AmandaHoldensLips. Just what my best friend says. He is a wonderful caring man. He has a super demanding job, has taken on his two girls single handedly around the time we started dating. His family are wonderful and I could ask to be surrounded by such a caring family as well as my own. I keep thinking shall I try and stick it out till the youngest is at uni. I know kids always need their parents, but it's not like they are 5. I often feel a bit sad as we go through good phases in my relationship with his girls. My partner often says they think more of me than him and their mum. I am very patient and understanding, but you get a point of arrrgghhhh!!!! I feel a bit like a maid, but important stuff like the suspect autism, I have no leverage on, which I expect, but given this slightly unusual dynamic it feels a bit meh! I worry about her MH as sadly there is a thread of issues on the mum's side, which is why I am understanding of the mum and her struggles to parent. It wasn't really the flat. It kinda felt like her way of escaping I guess. My partner has been so supportive to me and my son, so don't want to paint a picture of a one way street.

@HerMammy I see your point. At thetim he was broken. Never seen him cry. The older daughter's behaviour never reflects what I did through that time. One day she smashed up the whole of our downstairs including a brand new TV. I think they are both a bit scared of their kids. I am the only one that doesn't take any messing, but am caring too.

That's the dilemma @AmandaHoldensLips. Just what my best friend says. He is a wonderful caring man.

So caring that he doesn't support his own daughter when she's struggling? Yeah, he sounds like a great father 🙄

I think you have to decide what you want. Are you prepared to put up with the current set-up? How much of your time do you spend wishing you were elsewhere, or wanting to just go and live on your own with your son?

Your day-to-day happiness is important. Women make so many compromises, and often it can be a slow and steady decline to the extent that we're not quite sure how we managed to get ourselves into that situation.

If you've got to the place where you're thinking "I'm not prepared to put up with this shit any more", then you know that something has to change. And the only person who can change it is you.

Your son is your responsibility and your first priority. That's what being a good mother is about. However your DH's kids are very much HIS responsibility. You can't do all of it, and nor should you have to.

We only get once chance at life, and it's up to us what we do with it.

It's not likely to get better is it? It sounds like he pays lip service to the notion of being a caring father but never follows through. And leaves you to do the grunt work of looking after HIS daughters by the sound of it. I'd walk away because I don't think he'll change and your own MH is going downhill already.

@AmandaHoldensLips thanks for the kick up the arse I needed! I have my own house I can go back to as it has been rented the last few years.
I need to manage the change carefully with my son as it could really set him back. It took me two years to get him settled into school. A NT child would obviously struggle with a big change but for him it can be catastrophic. The fight to get the right school and care in place is monumental. I spend my live advocating and supporting on his behalf and that will never stop but doing it all again feels overwhelming with my current mood. I can move mountains for him though! Am sure the local council have a special buzzer when I call!!!

I feel sorry for you with all that on your plate.
There are an enormous amount of parents who have their children almost all the time with maybe every other weekend at the other parent. Obviously it’s usually the Mum though. And what has to happen is that they can’t get a demanding job, they can’t fulfill their career potential and they have to adjust their lifestyle considerably. Society expects that role of women though! So your husband really can’t have a job that sends him abroad or that he can’t look after his kids. Unless you’re willing to take on that responsibility for him and presumably share the extra income it brings in. You can’t force the children to go to their mums if they or she aren’t prepared to facilitate it. So the choice is yours, I couldn’t blame you at all for moving out

@Louloubelle78 what strikes me from your posts is that you are so used to having to 'manage' & advocate for your son that you've somehow taken on ALL the issues of your dsc also. You are obviously a remarkably strong & capable woman and are being leaned on by the other two adults in this situation who have come to expect YOU to sort out THEIR children.
Your partner may be a wonderful man & his ex may have MH issues of her own & need an 'escape' but that gives neither of them the right to expect you to parent their children & that's exactly what's going on here.
Your son is your priority & you becoming burnt out by other people's inability to deal with their own children will directly impact your ability to be there for your son.
At the moment it strikes me that you cannot lead your own life as you've been sucked into a vortex of your sdds' needs which is not going to improve as both girls' issues are not being addressed by the people who need to address them - their parents.
I'm not saying everything is wonderful for your dp & his ex but they have managed to shift the burden of care of their dc onto you which makes their lives way easier.
Honestly? If my dp could not see/acknowledge any of this and change his behaviours accordingly I'd be gone.

Can the grandparents take the 17yr old until it's time for university?

You need to sit down before you fall down! Time for a break, somehow.

I'm in awe.

Giving yourself the space to be able to focus on your son's needs sounds like a positive step. As he starts coming up to the teenage years, you might find he'll need a lot more of your energy. All teenagers are exhausting, but with his additional needs, you will have that much more on your plate.

Start making plans for a better future for you and your son.

You are all right. It's so frustrating they don't address the needs of their kids. I stepped down from a senior role in a FTSE100 company to prioritise the needs of my son, starting my own business etc to be more present. Lockdown saw the end of that business. I have another more junior, but still FT job now, but it's seen as the 'little job'. Had all the homeschooling/ working hell, coupled with a halt to any therapy and support for my son. It makes me angry woman have literally gone back about 50 years in this pandemic. That's a whole other thread!

I have ADHD myself and am exhausted getting through a professional job appearing 'normal' all day.

I think you are all confirming my thoughts. I have to put my foot down on getting his daughter help/ the mum having her for some of Easter. I think I have just become convenient for everyone. Like someone said women just take it all on....me probably more than most with my poor executive function!! I found myself googling legitimate reasons to stay in a hotel in lockdown (and maybe how deep to dig patios).

Thanks for taking the time to post and help me gain clarity my brain is totally fogged.

His mum's advice was to write a letter and then pack a bag 🤣

Most men are only too happy to pass the responsibility of child-rearing to the woman. And if it's not the mother, it will be the woman-replacement he has found to take on the task.

They will only step up when they are left with no option other than to deal with their own children themselves. And even then - a lot will refuse, either by making excuses about contact, or neglecting the kids while in their care, or blaming other people and circumstances.

You are not alone in facing this step-mothering issue. It's a thankless, relentless task. You don't have to do it. Many of us are 'guilted' into it.

You sound lovely, foolish man, hope he comes to his senses!

OP you have made the mistake that I nearly made, partner with head in the sand, kids who have issues which need dealing with. I get it, you’re strong, incredibly capable, can see what needs to be done. The problem is that this dynamic won’t ever change and you are in fact powerless and engaged and in an utterly pointless, thankless task. He’s happy for you to almost kill yourself trying though. That’s men for you. That’s the patriarchy for you. We women though, we’re our own worst enemy, going along, endlessly trying to ‘fix’.

Step families do create a gender ‘trap’ for women, where they ‘step’ into a role which can’t work. Because he and their mum are the parents, they have set the bar really low for their parenting, and you can’t lift it. Try as you might that bar is staying low. You’ll kill yourself trying to lift it. This is how it will be. Forever. You’ve been more understanding and kind than I could be, regarding their mum. Hats off to you.

I have told my partner and disappointed him and the kids, that I can’t take his stuff on. We won’t move in together. His dd turns 20 this year and has complex issues and spineless parents. She is unlikely ever to lead a functional life. She too has odd behaviour, it’s all the interaction, it’s odd, disengaged, pretend. It’s just not for me. I’m on the outside of it and can’t change it. Sometimes there is strength and respect (for yourself and others) in saying ‘no, this is not for me’. And watching everyone’s disappointment is hard. But anything else is emotional suicide for me.

This superhuman stuff, society expects it, we expect it of ourselves (as women). But it’s an impossible bind.

What you can do is just stop, opt out of this and put your oxygen mask on first now, for your ds and you.

@LatentPhase wow! How much do you charge per hour?!!

You have described these girls to a tee. Odd, disengaged explains it perfectly. I literally feel like I am keeping a body in a bedroom alive. I never expected sunshine and flowers but some basic interaction 'I am going out now, see you later'.

Wow.

You’ve cleaned up his daughters suicide attempts because he was too upset?
And his daughter smashed up the whole of the downstairs including a tv.

I am in complete and utter shock. Sorry OP, but none of this is your responsibility or for you to fix.
He may have ‘taken’ on his daughters ‘physically’ but he’s left all of the heavy lifting emotionally to you by the sounds of things.

This dynamic (sorry to say as I think a fair few of us have fallen into these traps) has been partially created by you and now you’re trapped in a situation of your own making. Your generosity and intentions come from such a good place - bless you. Your partner has taken full advantage of that.
These embedded dynamics are very hard to break.

Op. I’d categorically put myself and my son first in your shoes. Can you afford to move out and set up home just you and your son?
I mean I have to ask, where’s your son when all this dysfunction is taking place? I’d be petrified of the effects of exposing a child to so many mental health/ emotional issues.

@sassbott at her worst she was asked to leave the house. My son never witnessed or had any idea what was going on. I don't want people thinking I would allow my son to be exposed to really awful things as this is not the case. I am a good mother and made the decision to leave his father for all the right reasons My son actually has both my step daughters on a very high pedestal and has a good relationship. I don't let what is really going on show on the surface, but obviously that is very tiring . I have my own house and a FT job so yes it's all doable. I have always had my financial independence. I guess I feel like I have really failed. I have tried so hard to make all this work,emotionally and financially (moving my business initially).

This is not your failure. It’s a very sad situation but it’s not your responsibility to fix or solve.
Re your son, maybe it’s been easier to shield him when he was younger. I’m not entirely sure that would be possible as he gets older.

Google sunk cost fallacy relationships. It’s hard, I get it. I’ve recently left a serious relationship and I clung on for way longer than I should have done because I too didn’t want to fail. The reality? It’s my exp who failed, not me.

I’m sad, I miss him. But my goodness my life is a million times calmer and the thought of being free of all his and his children’s drama? Beyond liberating.

I’ll also add. Taking time out and moving back to your home is not failure. Let the father step up and address this stuff. Doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship.

I cannot believe you've been the nanny, housekeeper and financially contributed for 4 years and not walked out already!

I think at Easter you go and stay in a travelodge for 2 weeks, the DDs will have to be with their Mum.

No advice sorry, just wanted to say that I think you’re remarkable

OP why don't you just go away by yourself and take some much needed down time? It seems that by default you have become the group problem solver, and yet you are blaming others for your not solving your own problem.

The next time that your son is with his father, you should book a few days away for yourself. We may all mislead ourselves into thinking that we are the glue holding the ship together, but sadly were you to die tomorrow all of these people would live on and find a way to function without you.

I am uncertain as to why you would want your husband to come with you or to stay alone with you. He may be kind and caring, but in some ways he too seems far to needy and dependent .

Don't you ever want to be in a relationship with an emotional equal and a fully functioning Independent adult?

You can martyr yourself for all of these people, but unlike the church they cannot even canonized you in the end.

The good book says that the greatest commandment is to love the neighbor as thy self; no where does it say to love anyone more than you love yourself. You are loving and caring for these people in ways that you are not loving or caring for your self.

In the end, you won't even be St. Louloubelle78.

I am so happy you have your financial independence. You rightly kept an emergency exit and now it’s time to use it.

In my case, I’ve come to the conclusion that DP either accepts me for who I am (as in... not someone ready to sacrifice themselves endlessless to the alter of someone else’s dysfunction) and continues our LAT relationship. Or he leaves. That’s his decision. I’m finding the association of ‘how things turn out’ with my own ‘view of myself’ surprisingly inextricably linked. It feels like failure. But only when seen through the lens of unachievable expectations (your partner’s, society, and your own).

Be kind to yourself. You’re amazing. You’re not Mother Teresa. That’s fine.

Take yourself away for a few days and breathe that in. You deserve it.