My son does not respect my partner

[mooommymorgan]

My son, 18 years old, is jealous of my partner, has attitudes of indifference and intolerance for any rule.

For example, my man hates the fact that the phone rings or that he surfs the net when we are at dinner, or he urges him to tidy up his room, to dress his clothes for better hygiene. Nothing, he is impatient with everything. Moreover, now he doesn't study or work.

I am trying to protect him, hoping that he will change, but the situation at home is deteriorating. The emotional relationship with my man is suffering a lot.

He accuses me of being an inept, uneducational, and very weak mother. A mother who indulges her children too much.We have been trying for months to have a baby, and Sunday night - I ovulated- but it came out. He said he's not sure of his feelings anymore.

It is really very sad, I am faced with a very sad choice, son or husband. It was In plan to get married soon. What would you do in my place...thank you

For god's sake, do not have a child by this man. Why would you even consider it?!

It is very difficult to tell from your first post who the problem is. Blending families is difficult. They both love you but wouldn't normally choose to spend time together. You need to ensure you are helping rather than hindering the relationship. Dont decide who is jealous. Neither might be. No one really wants a step dad or probably an adult step son either. If your son is disrespectful to your partner then you need to say it's not acceptable. Same goes if it's the other way around. You need to make clear to them that they are both in your life because you love them and they need to learn to get along. Your son is 18 and an adult himself so I don't agree you should sacrifice your relationship for him. They all need to learn to accept one another.

How long have you been together OP?

So you feel that your 'man' has purchased you and your son so now you both have to follow his rules?

OP, what are you protecting your adult son from?

Are you happy watching him skull around unproductively? Is this in his long term best interests?

If you do not intervene, nothing may change. He could still be like this at 30, 35, 45. Failure to launch is real, and the earlier you take action the easier it will be for all 3 of you.

Imagine how you son would feel, entering the workforce in his 30s on the lowest rung of the ladder.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but is English your first language, OP? People have very quickly jumped to the conclusion that he is an awful, abusive man, but your language is a bit unusual in places and leads me to believe you might be giving somewhat of a false impression. If he actually called you a "weak woman" then yes I have to agree he is not a good man. Was this the actual phrasing?

No way would I allow anyone to buy my 18 yo a ‘big motorcycle’.

It nay be that you need to be more assertive with both these men in your life. Your DP thinks you need to tell your Ds what’s what but doesn’t consider himself part of the problem.

I would have a serious talk with your Ds and tell him he needs to shape up, respect himself and respect YOU by behaving at the table etc. Don’t beg him to comply with your DP to make your life easier, that isn’t your Ds’s job. But tell him YOU expect him to act like a (young) grown up in the household.

Tell your DP that he may disapprove of your Ds’s attitude on life but it isn’t his business. Also he has no need to buy him expensive stuff, and it isn’t a transaction : I buy you stuff, you do what I say.

Your DP clearly has his own values and work ethic, but however desirable that is, he doesn’t have a right to force it in his step son.

Likewise your Ds doesn’t have the right to languish about doing sweet FA while YOU (your DP is irrelevant) support him.

Find your voice and resolve in all this, OP, don’t dither about in the middle like a swaying Reed blown about by the two of them

@mooommymorgan

you are starting from a misconception. He's the stepfather and he's misbehaving, and he's not.... since we met he has done everything he can to support and advocate for my son.

It's obviously not working if he cannot accept your son for the person he is. Son sounds like a typical teenager.

Please do not have a baby with a man who nags your son and calls you a 'weak woman'.

@mooommymorgan

because an exceptional man. He acts like a father, and is much more financially generous than I am. he has no children, and we have always dreamed of having a child of our own.

Sounds as though he wants something to control. Which surprisingly is an attitude not all children respond to, even if you share dna with them.

I think you should test his tolerances by buying him a cat and asking him to train it, see how patient and caring he is with a recalcitrant cat, it will give you some idea about how patient and caring he would be with a non sleeping baby, a stroppy toddler or a hormonal teen.

Having a baby with this man would be stupid at this point. You will also likely lose your older kids. Sort the attitude your partner has first. If it doesn't change then get rid. He is not more important than your kids.

Perhaps, you gave this man too much say far too soon in your relationship. Your partner is neither your husband ; nor is he your son's father and yet he seems to have had a lot of say in your son's life.

If the things that your son is doing bother or concern you , you should speak to them.

Maybe, your partner should stay more in the partner lane and less in the parent lane.

Maybe your son is less jealous of your partner, and more resentful of the fact that your love life encroached some much on your parenting. He may have respected your partner more had he been simply your partner and not someone who was stepping into his life as some type of parental figure.

Good luck with your efforts to have another child. I cannot even fathom wanting another child along with an 18 year old.

Why must you make a choice? If your partner and son would each stay in their own lane, your life would be far less complicated. You , for better or worse, are the parent and in that process, your partner is the observer. You seem to be so enthralled by your partner, that you have let boundaries become pretty elastic.

At age 18, you are not likely going to change much about your son. You can change your reactions and responses to his behavior , and much of his behavior may be motivated by his resentment of your partner's over involvement in your parental relationship.

my man hates the fact that the phone rings or that he surfs the net when we are at dinner, or he urges him to tidy up his room, to dress his clothes for better hygiene.

These are three separate rules and I don't think it is really your partner's place to be dealing with them.

• phones at a dinner table should (imo) be a house rule. Your partner has a say in creating those (presuming he lives with you) but you should be communicating with DS as their relationship is so poor
• tidy rooms should (again, imo) be limited for teenagers. As long as it is tidied and cleaned regularly (once per week for example) then does it really matter if he leaves clothes on the floor in the meantime?
• dress his clothes for better hygiene. This is a comment which is always going to be viewed as either hurtful or nitpicking. It should only ever come from you - even if their relationship was good.

It sounds to me like your partner is controlling and critical of DS. And I'd get rid of the partner rather than risk losing DS tbh.

There’s a bit of a double standard going on here.

The step parenting board is littered with posts from SM’s who are unhappy that the DSC have no respect for them, refuse to tidy, refuse to engage and the father does nothing. And every time the answer is “you do not have a DSC problem, you have a DH problem.” So why is this different?

This child is 18. He’s not a baby. He refuses to contribute to the household in any way, doesn’t study or work, is rude, and the DP is in the wrong for being unhappy about this?

I’d be annoyed if I was a step parent and my partner did absolutely nothing to discipline their children and then accused me of being abusive.

I can understand why his feelings have changed tbh.

Your son is a lazy arse. At 18 he should either be studying or working. Tell him you expect him to start paying rent, and if he can’t, then he can do the housework while you’re all out at work and he’s at home on his arse with nothing to do. If he wants to be treated like an adult then he can behave like one.

Your partner is stepping up to parenting your son, because he does not see you doing it. He will be worried about still being on the hook financially when your son is much older.

It sounds like care more than control. It's a harsh world out there - he will have to compete for the good stuff and houses cost serious money.

Also, do not be afraid of a few rows with your son now. Set expectations. Follow through and see they are fulfilled. Otherwise, when he is older and stuck in zero-hour work, he will blame you (endlessly) for not stopping this happening and limiting his opportunities.

@HeartsAndClubs I agree with what you’re saying.

I don’t however agree with the disrespectful way he spoke to you, which to me is the greatest concern.
As others have pointed out... why does he want to have a baby with you if he thinks you’re that crap of a mother?

My son, 18 years old, is jealous of my partner, has attitudes of indifference and intolerance for any rule.

1. how do you know your son is jealous? And if he jealous, what exactly is he jealous of at the age of 18?
2. your son has intolerance for any rule? Really? Well how has that happened and how will that fare him well when the vast majority of adults have to work within the confines of rules (certainly within work) set by others? Certainly at a personal level, I would struggle massively with any person living in my house with this sort of attitude.
3. personally I agree with your partner. If he is pulling an 18 year old up on basics like hygiene, cleaning his room, getting some direction, being present at the dinner table....I’d call that basic parenting. Do you not have these conversations with your son?
4. his language towards you of you’re a ‘weak mother.’ It’s very harsh and deeply unkind. We can all have a view of how someone should parent but that conversation can be managed with kindness. Is this sort of language new (is your partner reaching the end of their tether). Or is this how he speaks to you.

Op. You sound lost between two opinionated men.
What do you want? For your life? For your son?
I certainly wouldn’t be trying for a baby in this situation. That’s for sure.

When you say he's more financially generous, do you mean he has more money than you?

It comes across that you expect your DS to be grateful for the fact your DP has financially provided for you/your son.

Your son needs to do something with his life. Sitting around not in a job or education isn't a life plan.

He doesn't speak to you with respect and he sounds overbearing. The way he speaks to you will not have gone unnoticed by your son either.

Your DP doesn't sound nice and an 18/19 year age gap between children has it's own problems. Bringing a child into your household will only add to the stress.

I wouldn't have a baby with him. You parenting expectations are worlds apart and unless one or both of you compromise, you'll never have a harmonious homelife.

he considers me a weak woman, incapable of giving an education.

@mooommymorgan, read this back to yourself. WHY are you in a relationship with a man who thinks so lowly of you?

I think you've already chosen your dp.
You've not told us anything nice about your son.
How long have you been with your dp?
Giving expensive gifts doesn't make a good parent.

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and your son sounds tense, stressed and angry because you're living with a misogynistic bully.

OP sounds brainwashed.

Please don't have a baby with this man!

“since we met he has done everything he can to support and advocate for my son”

I think possibly you can trace the issues back to the start then. From the information you have given it appears you have brought this man into the family setting to act as Father and allowed his own ideas of child rearing from the start.

I can empathise with your son. He has been told to respect and follow the rules of another man without the bonds and respect that normally occur between parent and child. He has been offered rewards, but only if he follows the rules of this man.

It sounds as if you are not confident in your own parenting and therefore have bowed to his dominating style. I couldn’t comment on your parenting style but speaking as a parent, I know it’s difficult and does sometimes need some rethinking if things are not working.

I think moving forward you would need to establish clear boundaries with parenting duties and that your partner should get on board with your parenting style rather than implement his own. If your partner is unable to cooperate then it should be him that is shown the door, not your son.

How long have you been together and how did you introduce him to your son

I agree on paper what he is trying to do and say is fine but you brought him in and gave your sons rules without doing the groundwork first

You can equate throwing money at your son and automatically demanding respect.

This has gone wrong because it was handled badly, you should be wanting your son to do something with himself not for him