Advice needed

[Mouselady1]

Hello I’m new to this so please be gentle. I’m a childless step mum. My partner has two children who we see every second weekend a few days after school each week. So the issue is my partner has started a new job which includes weekend work. I had naively believed that he would say to them he could work one weekend we have the kids as I have said I will look after them as it’s only the morning and by the time they are up and ready he will be back to take them out. And a weekend that was just the two of us so that we still have a weekend together that’s ours. However he told them that he can’t work the weekends with the kids unless it’s once in a while. So today we got into a debate about this as I am upset that we would never get any time to do anything just the two of us. I know people would argue you don’t when you have kids. But if we had them full time someone could babysit for the day so we could have a day out this isn’t going to happen when we only have them every second weekend. He thinks I should be grateful to spend quality time with him and the kids which I am. But I also want time just me and him so we can go for an adult day out or a night away. We would like a child together so I think this times important to have some time together as well. I feel if the only time we spend together is with his children we are going to be pushed apart in the long run. As his children can be full on at times and we don’t get any time together to even have a five minute conversation let alone quality time. He thinks I’m over reacting and doesn’t wanna discuss it anymore and bury his head in the sand. I can’t just do that and watch us drift apart. Any advise would be greatly appreciated as it’s breaking me this hence not being able to sleep at stupid o clock in the morning

I think you would be much happier with a partner who doesn't already have children. Fact is, you will always be in second place. He isn't "burying his head in the sand, he's a dad and his kids come first, as it should be. There is nothing shameful in admitting you don't like being a step-parent.

You're not unreasonable to want to spend time with him alone, but by the same token he sees his children 2 weekends a month and I can understand why be doesn't want to decrease that. Sorry that's not much help.

I will say I hate the 'you'll always be second place' trope I see on here though. I think in order to have a healthy relationship you have to consider everyone, not leave someone in 'second place' all the time and just say well that's the way it is shrug .

There is nothing second place about my husband (we have a child together) and I am not second place to him. We are a family with different needs at different times.

The DC takes literal priority in terms of the fact they require hands on care and DH doesn't (most of the time 🤣), but I would never describe it as first or second place. How can that possibly foster a healthy relationship where you feel listened to and appreciated? It can't imo.

I'd seriously reconsider having a child with this man and double down on birth control.

Why not find a man for whom having a family with you won't be a re-run? He's got too much on his plate to prioritize you or your prospective baby. And it won't change.

His children will always come first - not that he loves them more, but the time he spends with them is limited so he has to make the best of it. Surely you two have 0ne-on-one times together for the other 10 days of the fortnight ?

I can't see anything changing here - if you don't like his arrangements you'd be better off to leave and find a man who doesn't have kids.

You feel sad that he made this decision about the weekends without discussing it with you? So it was a breakdown in communication?

Are you a fairly new couple? It's really worth working on communication skills. Have you heard of Non-Violent Communication (NVC). Lots of videos on Youtube. Basically, you learn to reframe situations in terms of your feelings and needs. It can get you through these sticky situations, but takes LOTS of practice.

If you know what both of you are feeling and needing, it helps you to come up with creative solutions when you come up against a wall. For example - what are the options for a few days away in the week, not the weekend? Or an afternoon off mid-week?

He thinks I should be grateful to spend quality time with him and the kids which I am

He thinks what now? This is the biggest problem in your OP in my opinion. No parent who thinks his partner should be grateful to spend time with their kids and genuinely can't see why they wouldn't is going to make an empathetic partner who respects the need to balance everyone's needs.

I think you could probably cope with the weekend situation but the above is really worrying for a long term relationship and needs addressing.

Given you are unhappy with the amount you are seeing him, coupled with the very worrying sentiment above, I would run a mile.

Dating a parent doesn’t mean you have to accept being second best. He’s chosen to be in a relationship with you and has no right to fill all his child free time with work without discussing it with you and expect you to be happy about it, or accept it. Relationships require time and investment, he’s taking that away from you without even discussing it. They also need open and honest communication to survive and he’s failed completely at that. You both get a say in how your relationship works, he’s decided you don’t get a voice or an opinion. His kids aside, there’s no way you should put up with that.

His kids and spending time with them aren’t a favour to you you should be grateful for Who does he think he is? How does he think you got through the week before you met him and he bestowed his wonderful progeny on you? He’s being selfish and ridiculous.

If this is how he behaves you know how he’ll be if you have a child together. He’s not even putting his children first, he’s putting himself first and expects you to be grateful for the crumbs he’s letting trickle from the table.

It’s not normal for one person to make a decision about their work that has a major impact on their partner without discussing it. It’s rude.

I’d be having second thoughts. He’s said and done several things here that would make me think he’s selfish, entitled and highly unreasonable.

Completely understandable that he wants to see his kids as much as possible however, clearly one on one time is important for you, he needs to find a balance that makes you both happy. Sounds like you’re on different pages or perhaps the communication between you needs working on. As Sofa said above, it’s a bold statement from him saying that you should be grateful to spend time with him and his kids.... did you enter this relationship so you could spend time with his kids or did you enter the relationship because you wanted to be with this man? I imagine it’s the latter. If my H said that to me, I’d be telling him where he can shove it. Sounds like your OH doesn’t really understand or respect your POV which doesn’t bode well for a harmonious relationship going forward.

How long have you been together, have you spent much time with his children? Maybe he feels it is unfair for you to look after them while he is working. You could see how it goes. But yeah you shouldn't have feel grateful for being able to spend time with them.

And I would also make sure on the weekends you have the kids that you don't get pressured into not doing anything on your own just because they are there. If you want to go out by yourself that's fine.

If it’s only the morning he is working, won’t you have the rest of the day together? Can he not use AL for weekends away.

If you only got to see your husband for a few hours and couple of days each week and every other weekend would you think of yourself as having been awarded first place status? I would imagine that his children would gladly change time slots with you. Why can't you use the weekend evenings when the kids are there to schedule your alone adult activities?

You would never dream of saying to his boss," I am sorry but your work schedule is cutting in to my alone time with my partner. You need to change his schedule so that I get the alone time that I desire. However, in essence you are willing to send this message to his children rather than his boss.

Your issue is not his children's schedule but the difference in the way that the two of you prioritize his time. If asked, he probably thinks that he spends far more time in your company than he does in the company of his children. If there are activities that you feel that you are missing out on, why not ask him when can you do those things as opposed to suggesting that he give up time with his childr

Let him figure out when you can do a few of the things that you feel as though you are missing out on doing. He may feel that his need for alone time with you is being adequately met.

In any case, it seems that your real problems are neither a time or step child problem but rather an inability to communicate and a difference in perspectives.

You might consider couples counseling to help each of you hear and see from the other's perspective. You might just be happier in a relationship where you are the only person with whom your partner has to consider when deciding how to spend his time.

It is often a mistake to make assumptions when you have the ability to clearly articulate your expectations.

Why can't you

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused. You've said for your OH to work the weekend his children are there because it's only the morning and you can have them because by the time they get up, he will be able to take them out when he's home. Will this not be the same for the weekends the children aren't around? He only will work the morning so you can have a lazy morning while he is out then when he gets home you can both go out together?

I think it's right thdt he doesn't reduce the already short amount of time he has with his DC, but that doesn't mean you can never go out for a night....especially if he returns around the time you said.

He could also take annual leave if you were going away for a night or a weekend.

However, this would irritate me

He thinks I should be grateful to spend quality time with him and the kids

Why should you be grateful? Gratitude is for when someone does something for you or gives you something.

It's really not for him to tell you how you should feel. I find what he said to be the most alarming thing about your post and I would think twice. What a cheek.

I don't know how old you are in comparison to him, but he should be grateful that you're considering him for a long term partner with his baggage, assuming age and other desirable attributes are on your side.

I’m quite caught with this one; I’m a step parent and I did value the weekends we had just us but equally you say yourself that he’s only working mornings so you do still have that time together in the afternoons and evenings and I can see why he doesn’t want to reduce the time he has with his kids.

I would expect working a weekend with kids and a weekend with me, as he needs to maintain BOTH relationships with kids and with you

Find a child free man...ffs grateful to be spending time with his kids 😡