Step son appears to have had a breakdown

[Capripants]

I'm nearly afraid to post here as some of the comments can be so harsh but I'm desperate to vent to anyone who may understand.
Dh & I are married 6 years. I have two girls 24 (does not live with us as is out of college & working) & 19 (at college and home atm due to covid). He has four sons, 21, 19 & 16 (twins) who all live with their dm. Dh lives with me expect when he sees his sons which is part of every week. They live 45 mins drive away & dh bought a small house there to see them in as we just couldn't manage six under the one roof. They all get on ok but being girls & boys they had no interest in hanging out together or doing the same things and his boys always wanted to be near their dm and friends.
Dh's relationship with his exw is ok but there were a lot of issues with boundaries in the past and she had a very hard time with him moving on even though we met each other post divorce (for both of us). She tolerates me but struggled with her boys being around me which is another reason for dh maintaining a second house.
Dh's eldest who is 21 has never been very outgoing and had what was described buy his gp as mild depression 2 years ago. He did not go on medication but did see a therapist. He struggles a bit socially but is in college and grades etc. have always been ok. However, this weekend past dh and I were woken up by a phone call at 5am from the security guards at his college accommodation to say that he appeared to be having a psychotic incident. Dh went immediately to collect him and I've not seen dh since.
His son has been seen by a gp and is now in the system and all is stable at the moment & he is on track to get appropriate care and hopefully a diagnosis. Dh is of course devastated as no one saw anything of this magnitude coming.
I FULLY realise that this is not about me and that my role is to support dh but I'm struggling with what all this has brought up.
I offered to take his other sons while he and exw were trying to obtain gp appointments etc. but was told to stay away as my presence would make things worse as neither exw or his son wanted me around. I then offered to come and stay with dh overnight to give him some support and was again told no. Dh has now returned to work and is staying down where his children live until next week and another doctor's appointment. Again, I've been told to stay away.
I totally understand him needing to be there but I am struggling as to why he won't let me come to see him/give him some support. We have always operated as a team. At least I thought we did. This has just really driven home to me that while I may be his wife I'm not his family.
Does that make any sense to anyone?
I'm sat here now, four days in not knowing what to do. My husband is going through a major crisis and I want to help him but he seems to have decided to push me away fully and I'm both confused & hurt. He won't even take on board any insights regarding the situation even though I've explained that I'm in a good position to be clear eyed about everything as he and exw are too close to the situation & are both too upset to be fully objective.

Amidst all this he told me he'd roped his sister in to help and that she would stay with him for company.
I'm really bewildered by all this as we've never had any trouble between us as a couple but I just feel totally shut out & I don't know what to do.
As I said I FULLY understand this is not about me but I find it so odd and hurtful that my husband just doesn't seem to want me anywhere near him in this time of crisis. I realise his son is not my child but I do care about what happens to him.
Has anyone else in a blended situation experienced anything similar or have any insights?

You say he won’t take on board your insights to the situation. What were your insights? Maybe that was too much for him to handle so son after the initial emergency and he time for things to settle and to come to terms with his cold being seriously unwell before hearing what others think about it. Maybe he was a bit overwhelmed and needed some space.

Alternatively he might be feeling guilty or like he had something to do with his child’s illness. I’m not saying that is the case just that parent often blame themselves or worrying if things they did contribute to their child illness.

Feels like it all needs to be given a bit of time. I would just give him some space for a few days and see how things are then.

Yes I do understand that but surely your wife is not someone you should need space from in a time of crisis? I know if the situation were reversed he would be my go to and the person whose advice I would take on board.
As his son was initially refusing to go to a gp & exw was inclined to agree I just said that they needed to get him seen asap. He was hearing voices which both parents were minimising due to lack of sleep.

Hi Op,

I am so sorry you are going through this and it is quite heartbreaking. What I think he is doing is just putting is son first, quite rightly. If your presence is going to exacerbate anything for any reason then I do understand why he is choosing to deal with this alone. This is an extremely sensitive situation that both parents need to deal with. I think he's just putting his son first and whilst it's coming across as shutting you out, I don't think that is what he is doing intentionally. I think for now, you just be there in the back ground, he knows he can come to you if he needs support. His son needs him more right now.
x

@Capripants

Yes I do understand that but surely your wife is not someone you should need space from in a time of crisis? I know if the situation were reversed he would be my go to and the person whose advice I would take on board. As his son was initially refusing to go to a gp & exw was inclined to agree I just said that they needed to get him seen asap. He was hearing voices which both parents were minimising due to lack of sleep.

Ideally no. However families are complicated and feelings are complicated. As the pp said maybe for some reason he feels that sorting things alone is best.

I think just leave it so he know he can come to you when he is ready. Sounds like it must have been quite upsetting and traumatic to see his child is that state. Maybe he’s feeling a little traumatised by it all himself.

Didn’t want to read and run, OP.

It does sound scary and I can understand your wish to help. It was really nice of you to offer to take the other two boys. But It sounds like your DH has to focus on stabilising things for his son (and probably his ex) right now.

I suspect this is nothing personal and no reflection on your relationship but some times people can help and some times it may risk making them a little harder.

It could be that they or his son want complete privacy. It could be that the ex is feeling very emotional or anxious and you being there would create tension or distraction for her which would impact on your DH and his son - at a time when I guess he needs calm and quiet more than ever.

I am sure your DH will need you when he comes back.

Sorry - three boys.

@Capripants
At the moment your husband has to focus on his son's needs rather than his own. Your husband's son does not seem to view you as a part of his family and your husband may realize that however well intentioned, your presence would be a distraction rather than an aid.

Give them time to get his son settled and a chance to interact with the professionals who will be treating the young man.

You are not being left out of this situation; there is just no real need for your presence at this time. There is quite likely going to be a support role for you later as relates to your spouse, but for now there is not that need. He needs to be there to support his son; it may be a while before he realizes that he too needs support. It is good the his sister is there for him now. They young man may have a positive response to having his aunt there.

Try to put your need to be involved on the back burner , and accept the fact that your husband will reach out to you if and when he needs your help or support.

Keep in mind that this is a very difficult time for all involved but the primary focus has to be on the patient.

Thank you for all your replies and I very much understand what you are all saying.
Aside from offering to take the other boys I did not in any other way offer assistance that would place me physically in the situation. I offered to travel to be with dh who was in his house alone but this offer was rejected in favour of having his sister there with him.
I would never try and insert myself as a third parent as I'm not.
I am confused and yes, hurt, as we have always worked as a team and when I've had any issues with my family or children he has always been there for me, not as a fixer but as my support which is all I am trying to be for him.
I'm a calm, level headed person who does not do drama, so of course I will say nothing and just step back and be here for him when he comes back.
I think I'm just a bit shocked at how outside 'the family' this crisis has shown me to be. I don't mean this in a childish or needy way. It's just that he is very much part of my family and someone my children would like to have, and have had, around in a crisis and he is someone my exh, his dw & my extended family are also very fond of.

If the roles were reversed I cannot imagine me keeping him at arms length like this. It's very out of character for him and for our relationship.

Thank you all again.

I understand why you’re upset, but it sounds like your stepson needs his parents.I’m sure it’s not personal. Would you want your husbands ex wife to help if you had a crisis with your children ?

I have to say though I do not think it was wise to offer insights, or to look after the other boys, either your husband or his ex wife may have interpreted this a slur on their abilities.

@Capripants
Perhaps your husband is just being wise enough in this time of crisis to accept his son's definition of his ( the son's ) family. That does not mean that you are not a very important part of the family circle that you have created together, but for whatever reason you are not a part of his son's family circle.

It can be very difficult to understand and accept that the our concept and definition of family is not one that everyone has to embrace and accept.

Your husband's circles may never intersect. That does not mean that he does not love every within those separate circles; it may just mean that those people feel no connection and do not love each other. His life may need to be compartmentalized to work in the best interest of all of the people that he loves.

The fact that you would handle your life differently does not make them wrong. It only means that your feelings and perspectives are different.

Boundaries seem to be very important in step life, but it seems to me that real love has very elastic boundaries and a broad ability to recognize and accept differences.

Accept that this situation is not remotely about you, and it does not matter how you would have handled it. It only matters that those people caught up in this Immediate crisis are able to handle this situation in a manner that produces the best possible outcome for the young man.

Love your husband enough to trust that he is making the right decision in this moment.

Your husband's son does not seem to view you as a part of his family

What a completely unnecessary and unpleasant thing to say.

This young man is in crisis. He’s not hosting a tea party.

What strikes me is that your whole family set up seems to be organised in a way that keeps his DC separate, with your DH seeing them in a separate family home. With that being the case, it would seem quite natural that he deals with this, away from you. Do you ever go to his house to spend time with his DC? Your OP reads as if you don't. I think maybe this will have highlighted that separation. It is probably something that you need to sit down and talk about when all this is over with, if you now feel you want to be more involved with his DC and that side of his life?

I get where you coming from OP. The realisation that your union with your OH is not totally complete. That due to his past, there is an element if him that is separate from you.

It's an emotionally painful realisation, but it's not new. It was always there but because there were no crisis, it could be avoided.

Sadly the resolution has to come from you. Your OH has done nothing wrong. He needs some free breathing space to deal with this situation and you being there would be an added stress to deal with rather than supportive. Your making suggestions that were really for him and his ex to make is an example of the above.

Be there for him when he wants to talk, and more important when he is back and the adrenaline is dropping,having to face the reality of what happened. Now is not the right time,however hurtful it feels.

@MeridianB

Your husband's son does not seem to view you as a part of his family

What a completely unnecessary and unpleasant thing to say.

This young man is in crisis. He’s not hosting a tea party.

Exactly, he’s in crisis and he gets to decide who helps.

@Northernparent68 I was never offering to help my husband's ex or son. I was offering to help my husband. There is a huge difference. I only offered to take the other boys if a gp needed to see both parents. I know the boys are older and can mind themselves but I thought they might not want to be alone given what had happened. My exact words to dh were "if the doctor needs both of you and you don't want to leave the boys alone let me know and I can come over and take them". At this point I was told my presence would make everything worse. I do not see that I crossed any line with that offer.
I will also not believe I did anything wrong in offering insights. We've been together eight years and we offer each other insights and advice every day. We are a very close couple in that respect.
@dontdisturbmenow thank you for your comments. You have summed up exactly how I feel and seeing that someone 'gets' it albeit a stranger has made me feel a bit better. I accept the situation I'm in but it came as a shock as I've already said.
@Champagneandmonstermunch I get on very well with dh's sons but yes, there is more separation on his side. This is the result of many things, mainly physical (location, schools, jobs, space etc.) but also some emotional ones. It's a system we put in place to mainly benefit all the children and it has worked very well for us. But yes, what happened at the weekend has shown up it's flaws.
For what it's worth since I started writing this my husband has phoned to say sorry for being so blunt and short with me previously. He said the first thing his ex said to him on receipt of the news was that his son's issues were dh's fault because of the divorce and that I was to be nowhere around any of them.

Dh is hurt but non judgemental and both he and I understand that she is scared and shocked and is lashing out & looking for someone to blame.
That's all I'll say on that.

Completely agree that this might not be as simple as “you’re not part of the family”. It’s more that you’re not part of this situation, and that’s ok because this is an intensely personal and difficult time for your DSS and by extension his immediate family ie. his parents and brothers.
Your husband is going to need your support but right now he just needs your understanding that he needs to do what he needs to do for his child who is in crisis.

I think it’s very difficult but mostly other posters have covered it. Perhaps in a few months you could sit down and talk about I know how hard that was for him and you just wanted to support him to get through it, but felt like you were the last thing he wanted for support. And you understand there were lots of family factors complicating it, but it’s made you worried that if he were sick or injured, that you might be cut out as no support to him at all except by your absence, and that you don’t feel ok with that.

@MeridianB
Sometimes in a crisis moment, it is critical that we put the thoughts and feelings of the person in crisis in the forefront of our decision making. Even our most well intentioned actions should be driven by a realistic assessment of the situation as it exists as opposed to what we would like it to be. My statement of the son's feelings was not meant to be cruel. It was simply a reminder of the feelings that may be driving the husband's response that OP's presence might make the situation worst.

Sometimes, in crisis, we are forced to see our situations as they are and not as we would like them to be.

This can be a bit of a learning experience. They can all learn that there are multiple ways of being supportive; sometimes you show support by what you do and sometimes you can be most supportive by stepping back and doing nothing.

All involved, OP included, want what is best for the young man.

@timeisnotaline thank you for your post. It's very insightful and does touch on something that has come up for me since the weekend, i.e. what if dh took ill at any point and how that would be handled.
@Tiredoftattler I do want what's best for his son. Absolutely. And yes there are many ways to give and show support. I have been reflecting since my husband's call this morning and I think it is very sad for him that when he needed me to lean on he was told to keep me away.
However that's not my issue, it's something he needs to address with his exw down the road if he feels his need for support is being ignored.
For now, as you have all suggested I will just take my cues from him.

@Capripants
Take comfort in the fact that your husband may have been asked to keep you away from the situation, that is very different than asking your husband to keep you away from your husband.

Surely your husband was aware that you were available to him as a sounding board or a source of input even if you were not physically present. There is a vast difference in asking you to not be physically present and disdaining or refusing to accept your support. Many friends and family members frequently offer support from a distance. Spouses of military service members most often provide support from a distance.

You may have under valued what you were providing because it was not being provided in the manner of your choosing.

Hopefully, nothing will happen to your husband where decisions of this type are required, but should that happen as his spouse you will be making primary decisions. In that case, God willing you would be respectful of his wishes whatever they might be.

If your stepson
remains compliant with medications and recommended therapy, you will all be in a better place soon.

I wouldn't have even thought of offering to look after his DC, as they're all old enough at 19 and 16 and as you don't have that much of a relationship with them, I cant see them being with you during a time like this would help.

I think when there's a problem like this, it's instinctive to want to help and with many people, they look to place blame as his ExW is doing.

At least he recognised he was short with you, so I'd support from a distance by letting him know you're there. You can't do more than that.