Childless StepParent to Teens

[MadonnaOMeara]

Hi guys - new here and finally decided to seek out somewhere that I could vent without feeling judged or having feelings minimised.

Okay so here goes. I met my partner 4 years ago. 3 years ago, I moved countries to live with him but just before the big move we learned his ex wife back in the UK had cancer. 2 years ago after his ex-wife died we moved to the UK to set up home with his 2 teens - aged 14 and 17.

At 58, with no kids of my own, I found myself living in the UK for the first time, with no network in place, taking on the role of stepmum to 2 teenage girls who had just lost their mum.

Hand on heart I knew it was going to be challenging and the first year here is an utter blur. I work full-time for myself (from home), I do the bulk of the housework and I did the school runs. There were days I cried, and I still remember with shame the night I sat down and drank lots of wine and questioned my sanity for making the choice I did.

There have been highs and lows throughout with feelings of guilt especially in the first year if I got angry with the girls about chores (or lack of them). Even so, I felt fortunate that until recently I never once heard "You're not my Mum!" thrown at me.

I'm not clueless in that I know teens now seem to do nothing at home - which was very different to how it was when I was young with 6 siblings living at home. From day one that was the biggest challenge for me as too often I felt like the in-house cook and cleaner.

My sisters with kids tell me, that's how it is - get used to it. And I do try and a lot of the time I muddle through. A year in, things had settled down a bit -some of that down to me settling into the role better and giving up expecting get help around the home. Too many times I threatened to get a cleaner in but money is tight so it never happened.

And then COVID arrived and we're all locked in the house together. The now 19 year old who initially I had the better relationship with has become a negative and disruptive force within the family. The younger one at 16 is far more practical and tunes into what's going on whereas the 19 year old completely tunes out, is and is moody all of the time. I have spoken to the 19 yo and explained I understand, that life is frustrating right now but that its impact reaches further than just her.

Typical example of behaviours is last night I organised an Italian themed evening for us to inject a bit of fun into our week and it went down well. Today I made a roast dinner and 10 minutes before serving up the 19yo tells me she off for her walk and I say, dinner is just about ready. No offer to help with anything but heads back up to her room to wait to be called. And then after been called several times and we've already starting eating, she arrives down, shovels the food onto her plate, finishes before the rest of us and then washes her one plate and leaves.

By comparison the 16 yo will say "Thanks for Dinner" every time. She's more wily, knows that's the right thing to do and hey I like to hear it. It makes me feel better for the effort. But the 19 yo there's nothing - ever.

We do hear her laugh a lot with friends on the phone in her room so she's not depressed. She has acknowledged the behaviour and told us she's not "like this" with others - it's reserved for family. Problem is, it's causing friction between her Dad and me when I get fed up trying to molly-coddle a 19 yo and getting nothing back.

Dad is supportive and to date we've managed to not have the girls get between us (as he said that happened in his first marriage) but lately the 19 yo is doing a damn good job of pushing us to our limit. The constant reminder is, the girls lost their mother 2 years ago and her Dad regularly berates himself for getting frustrated and angry with his 19yo and frustrated with us for not managing to keep a lid on it.

You know as I get to this point I'm wondering why I wrote this. It feels somehow disloyal and oh I don't know. I'm tired I guess.

Anyone with suggestions re the 19 yo I'd welcome.

You're doing a near impossible job, will she go to Uni in September?

NotDaddyCool
Yes thankfully she is going to UNI in September and I am counting down the days.

I know COVID and lockdown is a huge factor as I haven't been able to get home and relax and unwind with my sisters. Again, counting down the days!

Why would you feel shame for questioning what you've taken on? You were a saint to do it, and you still are!

Also, the advice your friend gave you was terrible. SOME teens are like this these days, but not all, and they are what you make of them. You could, and should, have given them some chores to do. As a 19 year old not so long ago I would have been mortified to do nothing and show no manners in my parents home. She should be helping out and being polite when things are done for her, it's completely unacceptable at her age.

You say your DH is supportive, but what does he actually do? There is no reason for you to have ended up the "cook and cleaner", they're his kids so he really should have taken on the bulk of that work. What is his input?

Firstly - these girls have lost their mum. That is probably still very raw & given their ages they won't see (not yet) how bloody lucky they are to have you in their lives. Personally I think you're amazing & hand on heart I do not think I could have done what you did.
My reading of the situation is that two years (since mum's passing) is a very short time when dealing with grief & it's quite possible that it's only hitting the 19 year old now. As a pp said not all teenagers behave like this & I'm not excusing her behaviour but I think her still quite recent loss could explain a lot.
Did she have any counselling after her dm passed?
I also think you have a dp problem. I understand that due to work etc. it may have made more sense for you to do the majority of school runs & housework but initially at the least, HE should have been doing all that. They had just lost one parent & imo your role in the early days should have been to support him in this but instead it sounds like all the physical parenting at least was put on you which was not fair on you or the girls - at that point they needed their dad, not you. I mean that respectfully.
Your dp is also not doing his dd any favours by going easy on her because she lost her mum & also his going easy on her is putting you in the awful position of trying to enforce discipline in your home (which you have every right to do).
I'm a firm believer that 'going easy' on children after a big loss is completely counter productive as it both assists them in not dealing with their feelings & also keeps whatever happened as a massive 'thing' in their lives. Don't get me wrong - I know grief IS massive but when it is allowed dictate behaviours over a lengthening period of time it means the loss is always fresh & becomes a defining part of someone's everyday life as opposed to a grief that will always be there but which lessens with time & can be lived with.
You dsd need a lot of understanding for sure but she does not need be let off the hook for bad behaviour because your dp is too scared to tackle her.
Have you told him how hard you're finding things & could/would he step up more?

Your DH is barely present in your post. Why do you do everything at home as well as work? Does he do anything to help? Does he provide practical support for his children and spend time with them? He needs to do all this AND help the, learn how to do things around the house.

Where is your DP in all of this? I struggle not to feel for two teens who have lost a mum, even if they're not doing as many jobs as you would like.

Thank you for the feedback, just having it from a perspective of someone with no agenda helps.

With regards to my partner as it's been raised, he too was grieving. There was complete shock at first that it happened all so fast. At that time, the man I had met, lighthearted, positive, was shell-shocked and battered but was clear about one thing, he wanted to reunite with his girls. Months before when we got the cancer news he had told me then that when the time came, he would want to have the girls with him. He also said I needed to think about what I wanted, that it was a huge undertaking on my part to take on a family and if my heart wasn't fully in it, then it was something we needed to deal with and if it meant going our separate ways we would have to do that.

Having had no kids of my own, my thoughts were "I want this." We make decisions based on hope and dreams often with no experience and this was one of those times.

After 15 years living abroad, my partner had to wind everything down (with financial losses involved) in order to move back to the UK. . Additional stress was loaded on by the mum's in-laws demanding our return date and where we would be living. They were disruptive, openly unsupportive and churning up anger within the girls and directed aimed at their Dad.

From time of death to funeral was 4 weeks with my partner making 3 trips to/from the UK and staying with the girls in their mum's home. One of those trip I joined him so we could view rental properties. We put offers in on 2 or 3 house with no luck.

Back home we continued the search online. Unfortunate timing for me meant a business trip overseas that I couldn't get out. And when away, my partner sent me a WhatsApp video showing a house that had come up for rent within a short drive from the girls' schools. We were so desperate, we put an offer in. It wasn't perfect but thankfully we got it.

Been away for over 15 years also meant my partner had problems finding a new job so he took the first one he could get - again sourced from overseas. It was way beneath his skill-set and experience, and had him working ridiculous shift times and a 6-day week.

Within 2 months of the funeral, we were in the UK, had rented a house, and my partner had a job albeit not a great one.

I'm sharing all the above as my partner did everything he could to make it happen so that we could all live together with huge changes to both our lives. It was stressful times.

That is why he wasn't around much in the early days of our return to help with chores and I cannot fault him on it.

Since then he has gotten a better job with better hours. He does the washing up regularly after dinner, and has even learnt to cook at least 2 different meals with one cooked at least once every week. Like so many other men he does need the usual badgering to do things but he's trying. He's also knows - as I'm always saying - we need to lead by example hence the washing up and the learning to cook some meals.

With regards to both girls, they have received counselling. The younger one had both before and after their mum dying. The older one had a few sessions then stopped. Many a morning driving her to college in that first year I asked her if she would reconsider and go back but she wouldn't. I even got in touch with the college asking if they could reach out to her as I thought it could be helpful for her.

It may well be the 19 yo's is still grieving. I know from my own experience that grief can be suppressed but it will out at some point. What I do know is, the last argument when she screamed at me, it was like no other argument before. There will be another argument, of that I'm certain.

I do know if I could get on a flight, and spend some time with my family it would be the tonic I need to handle this better. Such is our COVID life that's not possible right now.

I also saw on this site a book recommended called StepMonster wich I ordered that last night. I'm hoping it will help me overcome the guilt I feel sometimes for shouting, getting angry/frustrated and let me focus on the good points like getting a spontaneous hug from the 16 yo earlier.

Thank you all, I'm so glad I found this site and know that you're all here.

Building blocks to a better future start with just one block :-)

I'm sharing all the above as my partner did everything he could to make it happen so that we could all live together with huge changes to both our lives. It was stressful times. That is why he wasn't around much in the early days of our return to help with chores and I cannot fault him on it. Since then he has gotten a better job with better hours. He does the washing up regularly after dinner, and has even learnt to cook at least 2 different meals with one cooked at least once every week. Like so many other men he does need the usual badgering to do things but he's trying.

Thing is, he doesn't have the luxury of "needing the usual badgering". None of what he did was for your sake, he owes it to you not to burden you with the bulk of the work just as much as he owed it to his daughter's to do all that in order to be available to them. If it's got to the point that you feel you need to leave the country as a "tonic", then he needs to do more, and be relied upon to prevent this situation from overwhelming you.

I don't have much practical advice but I just wanted to say you sound lovely OP. And I hope that you do overcome this difficult period with your 19yro SD.

No real advice but just to say you are amazing to have taken on the role you have. X

Op I lived and worked overseas but came home as I fell pregnant and then was a stepmum to 3. I don't think anyone can appreciate how hard the lifestyle transition is alone without the added responsibilities and in your case grief.
Hats off to you. Lockdown on top and you deserve a medal tbh.
Honestly you have a dp problem. He needs to step up and parent. The girls needs boundires and chores.
As a basic they can do their own washing, clean own rooms and cook for evryone once a week each.

@aSofaNearYou
It's not the case that I "need to leave the country" in the way you may think.

We moved to the UK less than 2 years ago and I work from home. Top that off with lockdown and any chance of building a network of friends becomes non-existent. Time out with a friend or sister can be a tonic for many of us, mine are just not here.

@Hiphopboppertybop99
@Pebbledashery
Thank you so much!

@Pleaseaddcaffine
When we all got together I was my own worse enemy in that I took on too much and did too much. Made beds, ironed clothes, but that's all stopped some time back on advice from my sisters. I no longer wash the girl's clothes, and I hoover as far as their bedroom doors. Both partner and I have told the girls they need to do more and that's an ongoing battle, and he's agreed to help more as he's aware I've reached out here.

At the moment I am working from home and have 3 people kicking off around me. Without a doubt COVID/lockdown is a huge contributor to the stress at home. Counting down the days to when they are back at college/uni/work.

Thank you all again! x

I only mentioned leaving the country humorously, but my opinion remains the same. All the talk of your husband needing nudging and "agreeing to help more" is something to look out for. He really should not need any of that, he should be automatically doing anything he can to take the strain of this situation off you.

As she was 17 when she lived with you, it’s possible she doesn’t see you as the maternal figure her younger sister does. Nothing wrong with that but it does mean you probably have to approach her as a friend/equal rather than a parental figure. Ask her how she is. Spend time with her. Maybe give her real responsibilties around the house that are visible to the family.

It's a difficult situation and having had a recent loss like your SDs, it's heartbreaking and they're much younger than me.

It's challenging all-round, as it's new to him raising them without their mum for the first time. It's challenging for you having to instantly be a SM to 2 girls, who have lost their mum and moving to new country under time pressures as well.

For them...it's very painful losing their mum and their world turned upside down. Living with their dad without mum for the first time and a new SM.

Yours is not a typical situation and I can see you never imagined you'd be in this position.

It's great that things are going well with the 16 yo...I'd keep building on that relationship as well.

When the 19 yo says she's only like this with family, have you or her dad asked why that's the case? As it's a conscious decision...a bit like abusers only abuse a spouse... I'm not saying she's an abuser by the way.

What I do know is, the last argument when she screamed at me, it was like no other argument before.

She sounds very angry, which is a part of grief. You have these thoughts...why my mum, you see others with their mums and it's a trigger...you see people older than your mum and wish yours lived thst long....right now mother's day adverts are a huge trigger and it's so very painful. It hits home that your mum is gone, at her age you realise she won't see you graduate...get married..have kids or other significant life events. This is all part of the grief and you being a mother figure is a daily reminder of her loss....that's not your fault.

There will be another argument, of that I'm certain.

With a 19 year old, I'd leave her to her own devices and not get into any discussion with her beyond the basics. Her dad can deal with any issues.

I do find it unacceptable that she doesn't say thank you when you cook her a meal. That's basic manners whether she's grieving or not. No excuse and manners don't cost anything. It's effortless.

when I get fed up trying to molly-coddle a 19 yo and getting nothing back.

Don't mollycoddle her. Leave her be.

These links may be useful

www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/helping-grieving-children-and-teenagers

www.steppingthrough.com.au/the-grieving-stepchild/

@GrumpyHoonMain
Thank you for that and yes there has been a lot of times when we've gone for walks together and we've talked.

Talking about her Mum is also something we do regularly within the four of us. I never wanted the girls to feel they couldn't do that. Also, as I never met their mum, nor spoke with her (she didn't want that) it's easy for me to be curious and interested when they're talking about their Mum.
Separately the responsibility around the home is the issue. I have been told friends don't do anything at home so it is an ongoing issue. Encouragment doesn't seem to work but as things have gotten worse lately it may well be down to covid lifestyle and delayed grief -see below.

@SandyY2K
Reading this made me feel so sad but appreciate that you wrote it.

"She sounds very angry, which is a part of grief. You have these thoughts...why my mum, you see others with their mums and it's a trigger...you see people older than your mum and wish yours lived thst long....right now mother's day adverts are a huge trigger and it's so very painful. It hits home that your mum is gone, at her age you realise she won't see you graduate...get married..have kids or other significant life events. This is all part of the grief and you being a mother figure is a daily reminder of her loss....that's not your fault."

None of the above is lost on me but it is easy to forget it sometimes when bogged down with deadlines and all the other stuff that life throws at us.

Reading what you wrote is again tipping into what I've already been thinking that her grief was initially delayed. After her mum died, she put her head down and immersed in A level school work.

It's very possible grief is now coming in waves which would explain the angry outbursts. Added to all of this, we're all stuck in the same house so she hasn't got the normal distractions a 19 yo should be experiencing. Plus she's planning for uni and waiting on acceptances - and her mum isn't around to be a part of this life event. In reality who can blame her for becoming angry?

Thank you for those links, I had a quick skim over them and they look helpful. I'll take a proper look later this evening. Thank you again.

Reading this made me feel so sad but appreciate that you wrote it.

You're welcome. You sound like a nice person.

Sometimes others think you're okay...it's been X months or X years...but things like Mothers day, Christmas, her mums birthdays, anniversary of her passing, SDs birthday and as you said her university application. I know when my DD was applying to University I went to open days with her...she would discuss where she was considering and she would tell me when she got offers.

Losing a mum so young feels so unfair and wrong and your SD is adjusting to a new life...as you all are.

In relation to what goes on on her friend's homes...well it needs to be explained that every house runs differently.... and these are life skills, but this should come from their dad, not you.

I think if she washes her own stuff..and generally cleanse up after herself, I'd leave her to it. She'll be leaving in September.