When is it time to move in when kids are involved?

[Kpepper2005]

TLDR - I'd love DP and DSC to live with me, he keeps changing goalposts, AITA for getting impatient?

For some background context, I've been with DP for 18 months, we just click and never argue. We're both in mid/late thirties, I own my 3bed house, he rents his 2bed flat.

During the first lockdown LY he lived at mine whilst furloughed and only went back to his flat for his nights with his kids. Whilst they knew about me, I didn't meet them until 9 months in, but we get on really well (DSD (12) always asking my advice on things and sending me tiktoks and DSS (7) has already told his dad that he should marry me!). My only dependent is an elderly labrador who they all dote on! We will not have any further facility as he's had the snip.

He has the kids 2 nights a week and every other weekend, though his mum often whisks DSD away to hers (she lowkey threatened me not to get in the way of their relationship the first time we met!).
The kids currently share a small single room on bunkbeds and preteen DSD is already getting ratty with being woken up or pestered by her noisy 7yr old brother. DP already struggles to afford the rent on his own, so can't afford to get them their own space, and can't afford Internet, and it's dreading costs increasing as they get older.

In autumn, I got a lodger in as I was struggling to make ends meet after several costly vet trips had to go on credit. I included DP in the lodger selection process and he and kids get on well with her. we always knew she'd be gone by spring (buying a house) and he said we'd then spend summer getting my house ready for family and then he'd move in so I wouldn't need to get anyone else in. He also said at Xmas that it'd be the last one in his flat.
Lodger has now given me notice to move out at the start of May, so I figured it'd happen organically - they'd stay here more and more frequently and prob move before new school year begins to save disruption.
DP suddenly said last night we'd spend this year getting house ready and they'll now move in summer next year now. All the house needs is a change of decor in what would be the kids rooms to make it more personal to them which we could easily do on a weekend. He'd bring his current furniture, and to reassure him (/MIL) I even suggested signing an agreement that anything I/we buy for the kids would go with him in the unlikely event of it all going wrong so he's not left in trouble.

I'll pay the mortgage, he can just pay utilities, meaning he'll be about £700 a month better off and so could finally start putting something into his pension or savings for kids (who plan to go to uni). I've even said I'd give him a few months where I'd cover everything on my own so he can get an old loan cleared, as I've pretty much cleared mine now thanks to lodgers rent.
I can afford to go for 6 months without having someone here, but not comfortably and if this isn't happening until next summer I'll likely have to get another lodger in, which means the decor, staying round etc will all get pushed back too. frankly I don't want to keep living like i did in my 20s tiptoeing round lodgers, as its really unsettling and my house doesn't feel like a home like it did when he stayed during furlough. It feels like we've gone backwards and it's breaking my heart when he delays things.

I just can't understand why it needs to wait another 15-18 months. We all get on really well, our relationship is ready to progress, it'd make more sense for our bank balances and the kids are eager as they'd get their own space and have Internet etc so they can keep up with their peers and he'd have a better childcare set up with me being able to support when he's at work.

The only thing I can think of is his mum putting him off. She's never had a long term relationship herself (had him at 15 and raised him alone) and she gets possessive of her grandkids as she currently looks after them if he's at work. She is venomous about his ex and very controlling, I do worry about the impact this has on him /the kids.

Sorry for long post, I just needed to offload and get some other opinions as I'm not sleeping for over thinking. Am I the a-hole? Is 18m - 2yrs too soon to move in when there's kids involved? How can I approach this with him?

It's hard to say. I don't think it's "too soon" as such, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily a good idea. Have you asked him what makes him want to wait? On paper, it looks like he can't recognise a good thing. What you are offering is massively beneficial for him (and a lot of sacrifice for you), and combined with his overbearing mum, I would be wary of "golden child" syndrome, and her having convinced him he's god's gift. The dynamic with her would be a bit of a red flag.

However, on the other hand, he may be stalling because he thinks it's the right thing for his kids and your relationship, which is a positive thing in many ways. At the very least, it shows he isn't a cocklodger looking to take advantage of you.

I think the key is to have an open discussion with him about what's making him want to wait.

Op you're going very fast. A lot of your post is about practical / financial issues. How about emotionally? And compatability? Have you ever been in the kind of 'the one' relationship that your partner presumably was with the mother of his children that broke down? It can take a long time to move on from that and I think you're in danger of putting him under too much pressure.

I split up with my husband after 20 years and moved on quickly. I am in love with my partner and if I didn't have kids I would probably have moved in with him a year ago. But I do. I can see that we're still in the 18 months to 2 years honeymoon period where we're still falling in love and getting to know each other. But whereas you can take risks moving in with someone when you don't have children it's very different when you do. I intend to move in with my partner but when I can see that we are compatible and when I am 99% sure that that it's 'forever'. My children like my partner and we get on brilliantly a couple of days a week (a fortnight at Christmas) but I don't ever want them to see another man move in and leave.

I can see that you blame his mum. It could be that she's awful as you say. Well she's not going to change! And he might not change either. In fact she might get worse if she senses another woman's going to 'steal' her grandchildren.

So even if he does move in you could be subjecting yourself to years of toxicity from her and a partner who is frightened of his mum.

In terms of how you approach him, I would just wait a bit longer, learn a bit more about the dynamics of him and his mother and sorry but you might need to end the relationship if he feels too obligated to her.

Meanwhile read these boards and see where other step parents have got in wrong/ right in terms of integrating with children. You don't mention their mother either and whether you want children yourself. I'm no expert but it seems like step relationships work best where the children are parented by all parties with similar routines, discipline, food, screen time, rules, money spent etc.

Thank you for all the advice 😊 I've spent the last few weeks scouring these forums and also talking to my friend whos been through very similar but much quicker, so I just wanted more thoughts on it really.

I've been staying at his with the kids at least once a week so I'm getting integrated with their routines and rules and bonding even more with them through home schooling (DP is dyslexic so really struggles, I've worked in training for years).

DPs mum definitely doesn't think he's the golden child, she's frequently awful to him but he puts up with it because she's the childcare that he needs whilst he's at work. So far she seems to like me but I'm terrified of doing wrong by her as she holds a grudge and gets petty with anyone who's upset her.

DP is very open about his ex not being the one. She got pregnant with SD very quickly, and as he grew up without a father he was determined to be there for the kids, plus DSD had a few health issues as an infant (thankfully now resolved). He believes ex didn't take her pill to have SS in an attempt to fix the relationship (I know it takes two to tango!). He then had the snip so it could never happen again.

He said he stayed with her for around so long for the kids but never planned to settle down with her because they used to argue all the time and she was a drinker. They split up 3-4 years ago and he was with someone else for a while before meeting me so he's already had his rebound.
I would honestly love to meet their mum, she seems really nice and supportive of our relationship, but DP is adamant he doesn't want that. I really feel for her at times because I feel his mum is engineering a rift between DP and ex and she constantly badmouths her in front of the kids which isn't healthy especially for the eldest who's starting to turn against her. We have the kids on mother's day in a few weeks time which will prob suck for her, so I'm planning on spending the day making/baking something with them for her. I don't want it to just be coding paths at the kids weddings or graduations, I'd like to be a team when we hit the difficult teen years.

I'd never planned to have my own kids, I have PCOS and was an IVF baby myself, so I'd just envisaged having a house full of animals instead! I really love these guys and they seem to love me too. I want to give them the world not see them continue to live in poverty. Its made me so much more appreciative for what my folks did for me when I was a little swine as a teen!

OP, when your children have been through a serious breakup and dissolution of their family in a meaningful way, it is no easy decision to move them into a second family type structure.

You can see the upsides , but unlike your partner 's children you have not experienced the downside and the emotional impact of the breakup of this type of unit.

The fact that your partner has had a vasectomy and is moving slowly indicates that he is a caring dad and gives significant forward thought to the future that his children will have.

You might be right that his mom may be discouraging him from moving in, but tbh she too may have concerns about the impact of the possible dissolution of your relationship on his children if he is forced to relocate again and find new and convenient and affordable housing for him and his kids. She may see his situation solely from difficulty and readjustments
that he experienced after the break up of the relationship with the mother of his children. The fact that she is free to voice her honest opinions to her son does not mean that he feels compelled to follow her advice or input; he may just see the validity and rationale in her opinion.

If your relationship is not strong enough to withstand the year long move- in delay, then it may not be the relationship that you think it to be.

You seem to have a real need ( practical and possibly emotional) to live together; he on the other hand may have a willingness to live together when he feels that the time is right.

There is nothing wrong with either position, but it does indicate that you may be in different places in terms of your expectations and goals for the future.

If you are either unwilling or incapable of living with his time constraints, you may need to look for a partner whose need for a more immediate live in is consistent with your expectations.

OP, after reading your subsequent post, I think that your partner is wise to move slowly with the move-in situation. His children have witnessed not 1 but 2_breakups

A man who has a son and a daughter and has to support them at poverty level was certainly wise to recognize the wisdom of having a vasectomy. The last thing that he needs in his life would be more children.

It shows a significant amount of wisdom on his part to maintain his kids in the place and space that he alone is capable of providing until he has the best possible feelings that his children won't be subjected to yet another disruption in their lives.

Use this extended time to build a solid relationship with all of them. Your partner may also have some reservations about the apparent differences in your financial situations and may not have BA real desire to be in a situation where he and his children are in any way
financially beholding to you .

There seems to be several issues that could benefit from further work through; more time living apart can be a good thing for all of you.

I would agree that your partner is being cautious time wise regarding moving in and his children.

I've been with my partner for 2 years and he's wonderful, i don't doubt our future together one bit, but 2 years on he's only very recently started to meet my children (out and about, casually, at the park etc, my children younger) and we wouldn't plan to move in together for at least another 2 years from now realistically. I wouldn't feel ready regarding my children and he is completely on board with that and doesn't feel we should until further down the line.

Its tough I know, I'm the driving force behind things having to be slower and still find it very very frustrating.