Question... Do you think that sometimes NRP use maintenance as a form of punishment?

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

I've read some awful stories on here about the things NRP dad's do re maintenance. But as with all things there also some good ones.
And it made me think...
Sometimes I get the impression that if the original relationship or the break up was amicable then maintenance seems to be paid in line with the terms of the original agreement.
But then there are other stories where relationships and break ups don't seem to have gone so well and maintenance seems to be used as a punishment or control as it were.
I'm just wondering whether anyone else thinks there may be a link.
And also... None payment of maintenance (I'm not talking about an unforseen change in circumstances here, I'm talking prolonged refusal of payment even though it could easily be afforded) as a form of control is surely abusive? Aren't there (or should there be) extra laws to protect people from this kind of domestic abuse? (at least it sounds like domestic abuse to me).
It seems to me changes need to be made but I'm not sure what...
Maybe a career in politics is where I need to head now to make some bloody changes that actually matter to real life people!!!

What’s the step-parenting forum angle to your post? Maybe this would be more suited to the single parenting forum?

I think here you will just find stories of the awful things some RPs do to extort more maintenance. Some people behave badly over money - it works both ways. It may be more common for NRP to withhold maintenance (because they can) but there have been plenty of examples on here of outrageous money-related behaviour from RPs.

I'm not sure exactly what your point is or what you're asking an opinion on 🤨 how is this related to step parenting?

I’m going to bite and say yes. Yes, some NRP will and do use maintenance as a means of control and punishment.

Yes there should be better management of it and less ability to play the system.

I also think that some NRP begrudge paying it - I’m not even sure why or how. But once they’ve left the home it’s like they think this money is going into the mums pocket - and not to the children.

On the other side there are NRPs who pay regardless of their feelings to the ex. They contribute because they morally should contribute to their kids.

There are RPs who use money to control access.

There are shitty examples on every side.

Yeah I think some NRPs do use maintenance as a means of control. Also some RPs use contact as a way of controlling.
However the thing with mumsnet is the only people posting on here are the ones who are having problems with partners / exs/ step parents/ kids......
People with a good co parenting relationship dont need to come to mumsnet for advice.

I've read bugger all of your post, just title and yes, of course some people do, probably fairly often actually.

Next...

My ex withheld maintenance for a year for no other reason than he knew the time and energy I would need to put in with CMS to enforce it. It's back fired now as I did put the time and effort in and he now has an attachment to earnings (so his employer knows he's a dick) and he's paying against the arrears plus 20% extra for the privilege. So yes NRP's do withhold maintenance as a form of control and yes the system should be better and not so protracted. It should be a source of societal disapproval when a parent withholds maintenance not bragged about as I have seen many times.

Some NRPs will do this. If they can set themselves up as a company then they can play the system. But then RPs can use the kids as a weapon against the NRP so it swings both ways. Unfortunately good behaviour isn't necessarily rewarded in divorce or family law and things like maintenance can become a game between ex partners.

Yes... some do. Those that are controlling and abusive and their hatred for their Ex is more than their love for their child/children.

The type of NRP to do this, would likely have been abusive/controlling in the relationship.

I disagree with that last point. I think it happens due to the bad feeling caused by the breakup. in many cases, I think it caused by the nrp feeling guilt for leaving and turning that back on the RP so it's 'their fault' and therefore they don't want to give 'them' money. Any evidence at all that the RP has anything beyond basic necessities for themselves is used as evidence that they are misusing the maintenance. However, all of this guilt, suspicion and spite is a result of the breakup (In my case anyway) not the prior relationship being abusive etc.

My DHs ex might say yes to this. She starting dicking about with contact, stopping contact, messing around then complaining that looking after DSD so much was messing up her life
Anyway he went to a solicitor and was on the brink of starting court proceedings when he told her he would have to cut maintenance down to the legal minimum because he couldn’t afford to keep paying at that level and pay for a solicitor to be allowed to actually see his child too.
Suddenly nothing was a problem and we haven’t had issues of that sort since.
He got a legal agreement drawn up out of court, which has been stuck to flexibly and by mutual agreement ever since.
So she would probably say he was trying to punish her using money. He would say she was trying to punish him using contact.
Was it a coincidence this kicked off around the time DH moved in with me?

In our case the RP was meticulous about only allowing DH to see the children according to the court ordered levels so that she guaranteed maintenance at the maximum payment possible. All attempts from the children so see my DH more than EOW were stopped by RP.

So in our case the RP used maintenance as a form of punishment not the NRP

Maybe this would be more suited to the single parenting forum?

Why? The non payment of child maintenance is not something that just affects single parents.

@EnoughnowIthink
I was just a bit mystified as to why this was on the step-parenting forum really.

@Dollyparton3

In our case the RP was meticulous about only allowing DH to see the children according to the court ordered levels so that she guaranteed maintenance at the maximum payment possible. All attempts from the children so see my DH more than EOW were stopped by RP.

So in our case the RP used maintenance as a form of punishment not the NRP

Yeah this is a lot of the property. Cms if done via the system is all about numbers of nights. So it's advantageous for some RPs to try to minimise NRPs time with kids. My ex is like this.

That's the problem with a question like this you cant take one small part in isolation you have to look at the reasons behind it and the system itself which in some circumstances rewards bad behaviour.

Not that its relevant but I pay the child maintenance as set ouy each month as I feel not to do so hurts thr kids. It is very much a game though for thr entitled types.

Problem

Some NRPs use money to exert control. Some RPs use the children to exert control.

I think after an acrimonious split, either part of a couple can use their children to further their own agendas or to deal with their own feelings. I've seen this happen when NRPs threaten to withhold money and I've seen it happen when RPs threaten to withhold access. Either way these people need to get a grip and start putting their kids first.

To add another perspective... when families break up if 50:50 arrangements were more common the CMS issues wouldn't be so high. This is just from experience, I know 50:50 might not work for all but if this was the expectation and given as an option, arguments over money and playing games might not occur and the children have equal time with both parents , both parents pay for their children in a way that gives them equal control over their finances. I know alot of men/women are reluctant for the 50:50 but seems to save alot of headache over maintenance.

@Userwoman1990. 50/50 financially is rarely fair. To be fair, both parents would need roughly the same income and would share the cost of childcare, school uniforms, haircuts, shoes, coats etc. In a relationship where there was a difference in income between partners, there would be cries of LTB if the better off partner demanded 50/50 on all children related expenses.

My experience of 50/50 was probably more abusive than the withholding of maintenance that followed. I paid for everything, including full time childcare but saw my children so very infrequently (that’s how it felt). At least now I’m responsible for all the finances they are with me most of the time.