Not sure how to take DP's son

[blackcatroundabout]

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and we recently introduced the kids (would have been a little easier I think if not for covid). We've been out for walks on a number of occasions now and I'm a little unsure on how to take his son. Don't get me wrong, my DC are no angels but they are polite and generally well behaved most of the time. Although his son was friendly, I was surprised to see there was a complete lack of manners which was not corrected once by my partner. He's moaned constantly every time we've been out. He also seems to be a little awkward - an example was we had been walking for maybe 10 minutes and we chose to go down one path but his son didn't want to go that way so he simply stood still, arms crossed, sulking, refusing to go the way we all wanted to. He is 9! After a 5 minute stand off we had to go the way his son wanted to or I think we'd have been there all day. There are other examples but I hope I've got the picture across.

I don't want people to think this is a post to bash his son, as it's not at all. As I said earlier in the post, he was fairly friendly and we've managed to have a few nice conversations (albeit about computer games!). I guess I'm not asking an actual question as such, I'm just a bit concerned by the behaviour I've seen so far and wondering whether this could potentially cause an issue in the future?

Can you give a bit more detail ? How long has DP been separated / divorced...does his son live with him or are these walks part of DPs access times? At 9 I wouldn't expect him to be super sociable, and if he only sees his Dad once a week or fortnight he might be feeling resentful that he has to share his brief "Dad times" with Dad's friend. Just a thought.

It’s his dad’s reaction/lack of that I’d keep an eye on. Maybe his son was having a grumpy day, most people are sick of going on walks after all this time. Maybe he was trying to get his dad’s attention as you and your DC were there. Maybe he’s a PITA and his dad chooses not to be an active parent for an easy life and spending time with them together will eventually drive you mad or make your DC start to behave badly as they see him getting away with it.

Keep a bit of yourself detached so you can walk away without too much pain if this is par for the course. It won’t be worth it.

I have three kids and one of mine is like this (although only 7, I can’t see it changing). Pulling him up on the behaviour makes very little difference and can often make him dig his heels in and behave worse - which I expect I’d want to avoid in front of a new partner! I find it very draining and I love him to bits. I think it would be very difficult as a step-parent.

A 9 year old being a bit grumpy could be a bad day and I wouldn't read too much into it.
I would be keeping an eye on DP's responses though as there is the potential for conflict if you aren't on a similar page regarding parenting. If he regularly gives in to sulks and doesn't correct manners then that would be enough for me to consider calling it a day.

It's early days so he may be playing up a bit to get attention (if he's worried about his dad having a serious girlfriend and what it will mean for him). I would find this a bit of a worry though. Be very very careful before you start blending your families!

It could be that he’s acting out about the new situation. My sd was randomly SO difficult at this age. Testing boundaries etc.

We nearly split. Not because of her behaviour but because of my DH’s complete lack of any parenting or boundaries.

In the end he copped on, started being a proper father and not a Disney dad, and their relationship was much better for it. Consequently ours was too.

We didn’t have dc together at the time, and I didn’t have dc so perhaps it was easier for us because there was no big disparity in parenting choices or treatment of children.

But ultimately I think it comes down to the same thing - the dad being the issue. And you need to be thinking of long-term, blended living etc. If you don’t agree on the fundamentals now then it wouldn’t be fair to any of the children for you to join up their lives.

He sees his Dad roughly 40/60 of the time. It definitely could have been down to him having a bad day, although he's been like it each time we've met. What concerned me the most was that he was incredibly rude to my boyfriend every time and was not told off for it once.

@starrynight21 They split up when his son was 4.

What concerned me the most was that he was incredibly rude to my boyfriend every time and was not told off for it once.

You’re right. Have you had any discussions with DP about each of your approaches to parenting? Has he noticed how you are with your children and that it’s different?

Are you the first person he’s dated in 5 years?

@AnneLovesGilbert He's had one previous partner, I don't know much other than she ended things with him at around 1.5 years in to the relationship.