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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Interfering Ex Wife

23 replies

mom59580 · 25/02/2021 15:52

Hi,

I have two children, a son (12) from a previous relationship and my daughter (4) from my current relationship. We have been together now for 8 years, living together for 5 years, engaged for 2 and due to get married August next year. We very rarely argue or disagree but when we do it is always over the same things because of the same person - HIS EX WIFE! She is extremely controlling and interfering, I could write a whole book on things that have happened over the last eight years but I would be here for days! They share their 9 year old son together and he stays with us every other week for four nights, coming for dinner once in the week every week as well. My son and daughter love him and we love it when he is with us. He comes on all our family holidays and days out and is involved in everything we do. What I don't understand his moms constant involvement in our day to day lives - constantly texting my partner even when it is nothing related to their son.. and the latest my step son face-timing his mom whilst at our house and telling my daughter to tell his mom that she loves her. She is only 4 and is now asking me if I am her real mom, I think the face-time with my step sons mom is confusing her especially when she is being told to say things like 'i love you' to another woman. I have noticed that she texts my partner about our daughter and seems to try and involve herself in things that are absolutely nothing to do with her. Today I have seen a message on his phone from his mom asking him to face-time his uncle (her brother) and to get my daughter to say hello to his cousin. I just do not get why she would be asking him to do these things involving my daughter. Okay, if he is face-timing these people and she happens to be with him/in the same room I have no issue with that. It is the fact she is asking him to do these things which I am finding really odd. Am I over reacting ? Or am I right to find this behavior strange ?

OP posts:

WhateverJudy · 25/02/2021 15:59

It does sound quite full on but what about your husband - it's down to him to set appropriate boundaries. Have you talked to him about it and what is his response? I think it's for everyone's best interests if you can retain a friendly relationship with her and that all members of the blended family are familiar and comfortable with one another. The son telling his sister to say he loves his mum is a bit inappropriate of course but he's a child - all it needed was an adult to gently step in and explain that his sister doesn't really know his mum and remember she is xxx's daughter. He's only nine so of course doesn't view these things as an adult would.

To be honest there is a bit of a vibe from your OP of you wanting to include the child as a member of your family and totally ignore that he is the child of your husband's ex. It's great that you welcome him into your family but you need to accept that it isn't a typical nuclear family - he has his own mum and so of course she is a feature in all of your lives.

You just need to agree some boundaries with your husband and gently enforce them but I don't think you should go looking for conflict when I can't really see what she has done that's so wrong other than exist and remind you that your husband had a relationship before you. If she's inappropriately texting your husband and he's allowing that then that's on him. Perhaps he is just maintaining a friendly and civil relationship with the mother of his son?

Youseethethingis · 25/02/2021 16:03

It’s weird. She sounds like a bit of fruit cake.
I’d be keeping my child well away as much as possible and to hell with upsetting anyone else while I did it.
Can’t say what her intentions here are but the effect is bad enough. Your child doesn’t need this crap.
I think she’s put out her son is a part of a family that doesn’t involve her and is trying to manipulate the situation to even the score. In her fruit cake mind.

Anuta77 · 25/02/2021 16:27

I think she’s put out her son is a part of a family that doesn’t involve her and is trying to manipulate the situation to even the score. In her fruit cake mind.

I agree with that.
My DP has 2 exes that are like that.
We already had a situation when SD brought her phone while on a video with her mother and her boyfriend to the bathroom where my todder was washed (i.e. naked). I intervened of course.
Whenever we were in the same space as one of the exes (the first one who's more involved), the "kids" (in their late teens) would make my toddler kiss her or she would insist with him herself until he accepted to kiss her. I know that this particular ex wants to stay in my DP's life as a "friend" and this helps her feel that she's someone important in his life. I reduced contact as much as I could without looking like the jealous new woman.

The problem is that the kids love their mother and wouldn't understand why their sibling can't talk to her, so it's a tricky situation. If your husband agrees with you, maybe he can talk to his son or if you see that he's on call, you could disctract your daughter?

SandyY2K · 25/02/2021 16:48

It sounds a bit odd, but maybe it's because your SS comes home talking about his sister and having a nice time with her...so she wants to see her and get to know her son's sister a little bit.

It might be thsy she wished she had a little girl herself and takes an interest in your DD for that reason?

I agree that it seems odd and like she's trying to get her family to see her son with his sister.

I would find a way to stop him involving your DD in calls to his mum or anyone else for that matter. Tell your DD she is not allowed to talk to anyone on facetime without asking you first. Then also tell your SS he is not allowed to put DD in his calls without your permission as well. You don't need to discuss this with your partner...just have a quiet word with the kids separately.

If you're there during the call...then you can say to DD.. Say hello to Tommy's mummy then say bye and let's leave Tommy to talk to his mummy and take her away.

Does your partner have an issue with her texting him about non child related stuff?

I also think he's trying to make his mum feel better....that he's not the only one who loves her.

I do agree it's all pretty strange. Hopefully it doesn't get into creepy territory.

aSofaNearYou · 25/02/2021 17:15

Ugh that would really piss me off. I would intervene when your SS tries to get your DD involved in calls.

MeridianB · 25/02/2021 19:33

It’s weird.

Your DH needs to set and enforce boundaries on the texting. Ask her to stop and if she doesn’t then ignore every single message that is not about his son.

If your DSS wants to FaceTime his mum when he is with you then ask him to find a nice quiet place to do that - it’s a conversation between him and his mum, not a family event.

Equally, unless it’s a special occasion, your DSS doesn’t need to be face timing his mum’s family while he’s with you.

I wouldn’t want my child being made to tell someone they didn’t know (and whose intentions are questionable) that they loved them.

All of this may be harmless and just misguided but it could be that she wants to disrupt and exert control over your home while her son is there. It’s all unnecessary.

Magda72 · 25/02/2021 19:41

Very odd imo.
Why is he even FaceTiming his mum from yours? Mine never face time me from their dads. They might send the odd txt but that's about it. I appreciate all kids are different but he's only away from her 4 days at a time.

Original poster

mom59580 · 25/02/2021 20:55

Yes this is how I am seeing it too. She is a control freak and I think this is her feeling she has some control where my daughter is concerned. I know it sounds mad, but she just has to involve herself some way or another!

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 25/02/2021 23:13

I agree with others. Weird.

user1493413286 · 26/02/2021 07:29

That’s very odd! I do think it’s up to your DH to have firmer boundaries, he doesn’t need to respond to messages that aren’t about his son. Also there’s nothing wrong with you intervening in these FaceTime calls and saying “that’s a bit confusing for your sister” and taking her to another room. I’d also explain to your stepson that it’s a bit confusing to involve his sister in FaceTime and suggest that it’s more just for him to talk to his mum

RedMarauder · 26/02/2021 13:15

It's weird.

She shouldn't be having any contact with your daughter as it is not her child.

As user1493413286 said intervene and ensure your daughter is in the room with you when your stepson is on calls to his mother or anyone on her side of the family.

Devlesko · 26/02/2021 16:12

Your bf needs to set boundaries, he obviously doesn't mind her being so involved with your lives.
Your dd is nothing to do with her, so put your foot down, keep her with you when your dss calls his mum.
You need to tell your bf to man up, grow a back bone and sort it out.
The ex isn't your problem it's your bf.

saffire · 26/02/2021 16:58

But maybe the ss wants to show his family his little sister? He might talk about her lots at home with her and his family.
I know she's your daughter but she's his little sister too.

RedMarauder · 27/02/2021 15:08

@saffire

But maybe the ss wants to show his family his little sister? He might talk about her lots at home with her and his family. I know she's your daughter but she's his little sister too.

Since he doesn't have parental responsibility for her nor is older enough to be in loco parentis. Also as it is happening in the OP's home she can put her foot down especially as he hasn't asked permission first.

You forget that some of us have lived similar due to having half and step siblings.

harryclr · 27/02/2021 16:20

That is totally odd and unacceptable.
I would be fuming - contact should only be about child and that is all, once they are old enough to have own phone there hardly needs to be any contact really.

Kel9 · 27/02/2021 16:20

Mmm can you make cut the FaceTime down? When my son is at his dads.. that’s it he’s with his dad, I might text once to see how he’s getting on and that’s it.

It’s about respecting boundaries. My ex has another partner and I wouldn’t dare constantly face time.. I would call if there was an emergency. Same goes for my fiancé and his son. Set the boundaries x

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2021 16:23

You have a partner problem. He could have set rock hard boundaries, but he hasn't. I'd be asking him why and letting him know if this nonsense continues it's going to damage your relationship.

SandyY2K · 28/02/2021 01:37

@Kel9

Mmm can you make cut the FaceTime down? When my son is at his dads.. that’s it he’s with his dad, I might text once to see how he’s getting on and that’s it.

It's not the mum facetiming when he's at his dad's house.

my step son face-timing his mom whilst at our house

Kel9 · 28/02/2021 10:39

[quote SandyY2K]**@Kel9

Mmm can you make cut the FaceTime down? When my son is at his dads.. that’s it he’s with his dad, I might text once to see how he’s getting on and that’s it.

It's not the mum facetiming when he's at his dad's house.

my step son face-timing his mom whilst at our house[/quote]
Aww ok so I’ve read that wrong.. however we are the adults..dad needs to grow a set and say to text or go off into a room🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

It comes down to setting boundaries if her oh has never addressed this he will think that’s it’s perfectly ok.

passthemustard · 28/02/2021 10:54

My ex has absolutely nothing to do with my kids from my new relationship and I have nothing to do with his.

However my partner has an amazing relationship with his mums ex husband. He was always included with his two older brothers and their dads family. Always at their family events and considers the two subsequent children from the ex husbands new marriage to be his siblings too. We've just had a baby and the man who is divorced from his mum sent us a lovely present for the baby and they chat on phone quite often. I'm sure his mum hates it but he's 45 now and the relationship is still there.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2021 10:54

@saffire

But maybe the ss wants to show his family his little sister? He might talk about her lots at home with her and his family. I know she's your daughter but she's his little sister too.

That doesn't make it his choice. She's not a doll to be shown off, especially to people her parents consider to have dubious intentions. She may even have misgivings about "his" family as she grows up, given the implications for HER family. It could confuse and upset her, and her feelings on that subject need to be managed and considered in the same way a SCs feelings would be.

In any case, showing her to his family is not half as much of a problem as forcing her to tell them she loves them, which needs to be stopped immediately.

LouJ85 · 28/02/2021 14:10

@saffire

But maybe the ss wants to show his family his little sister? He might talk about her lots at home with her and his family. I know she's your daughter but she's his little sister too.

Showing his little sister to his mum is one thing - my DD (when she was about 9/10) used to FaceTime me from her dad's when her younger siblings were toddlers and their faces would pop up in the call - she'd say "say hi to my mum then if you want". And I go "hi, how are you?" and they giggle like toddlers do, and then go off on their merry way.

However - my DD would never in a million years have said to her little siblings at Dad's: "tell my mum you love her". 😳

That's just odd. No two ways about it.

Usagi12 · 28/02/2021 18:48

This is really odd, NO adult should be trying to develop a relationship with your child without your knowledge. Your DP needs to contact her asap to set her straight on this!

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