Telling DSC about new baby on way

[Givemestrengthwiththeex]

I have two step children, girl 5 and boy 10, I know dsd will be over the moon! She loves babies, asks for me to have a baby in my tummy, she will probably never want to go home after this news! But my dsd, struggles with not being with his dad full time, his mum stops contact often for silly reasons and it really affects him. I’m already hoping this baby is a girl to make it easier for him. I guess what I’m after is a sensitive way to tell them, and any advice on making sure he doesn’t feel pushed out. It’s already going to be hard because I imagine his mum will use this as an excuse to stop contact again. This is my first child and we are over the moon we feel like this will bring our family together. But I love the children so much it’s really affecting me that it might upset them, it also may not, but I want to do everything I can to make them feel ok!

What ages are the children? That's relevant and you've given different ages on your other threads?

How long until the baby is due?

If the ex has form for stopping contact, is your DP going to get sorted via the courts? That would be one way of trying to ensure consistency for the children.

@excelledyourself it says their ages in the first line of the OP

Yes, but these aren't the ages OP has given before, as I wrote.

Just don't do what my ex did and let them find out via Facebook. Tell them face to face before they can find out though a third party.

What is your DSS like, in what way does he struggle and how does that translate into how he feels and behaves?

@excelledyourself maybe the OP sensibly changes a few details occasionally, just to ensure her anonymity?

New babies neither save marriages nor bring families together. The son has already experienced the impact of a new sibling on a family all be it in a different unit.

They younger child may love the notion of a baby, but she is the one who will be displaced as the baby.

Tty treating this as a normal occurrence; it is just another sibling being added to your existing unit. Do not expect it to be a transformative event for the family. It will be transformative for you as a first time mom , but not so much for the others.

Enjoy your pregnancy and let life proceed in a normal way.

The issue of time spent with his son is an issue that the parents must resolve between the 2 of them.

Tty treating this as a normal occurrence; it is just another sibling being added to your existing unit. Do not expect it to be a transformative event for the family. It will be transformative for you as a first time mom , but not so much for the others.

I mean, I get what you're saying about the older child already having a sibling, but this just seems like another thinly veiled attempt to stop SMs from getting too big for their boots and daring to think anything to do with them and their children is important. It certainly will and should be a transformative event for at least OPs partner/husband.

Are these children 5 and 10 or 3 and 7 according to another post? Also, what about the 13 year old that the father has nothing to do with?

TBH you are being very naive thinking that a baby will “bring your family together” you’ve been in these children’s lives for a year and now you’re bringing a baby into the mix? If anything the children will feel pushed out, and who could blame them.

All you can do is tell them, but you can’t have expectations of their reactions, because they may not be anything you thought.

Do they know about their older brother?

It’s interesting that you say the ex has withheld contact and this man already has a child he has no contact with. Alarm bells should be ringing on that score...

I mean, I get what you're saying about the older child already having a sibling, but this just seems like another thinly veiled attempt to stop SMs from getting too big for their boots and daring to think anything to do with them and their children is important. It certainly will and should be a transformative event for at least OPs partner/husband. people need to separate the issues here though.

There is no doubt that a new baby is something which should mean something to the couple in question. And it is hoped that it will mean something to the children, but there are no guarantees.

WRT the OP wanting to be involved and wanting the DSC to be part of the family, on the face of it there’s nothing wrong with that, and I for one have never been one of those who thinks that SM’s are too involved if they dare to look after the children for e.g. But the partner already has a chaotic past with his children. He has one 13 year old which he doesn’t see, hasn’t seen for 10 years in fact, and then two children who are either 3 and 7 or 5 and 10 depending on what you’re reading, whose mum is constantly threatening to withhold access. This could well seem like a red flag to the OP, especially now that she is pregnant, and wanting these children to be a part of the family... iyswim.

WRT the OP wanting to be involved and wanting the DSC to be part of the family, on the face of it there’s nothing wrong with that, and I for one have never been one of those who thinks that SM’s are too involved if they dare to look after the children for e.g. But the partner already has a chaotic past with his children. He has one 13 year old which he doesn’t see, hasn’t seen for 10 years in fact, and then two children who are either 3 and 7 or 5 and 10 depending on what you’re reading, whose mum is constantly threatening to withhold access. This could well seem like a red flag to the OP, especially now that she is pregnant, and wanting these children to be a part of the family... iyswim.

Yes perhaps so, I haven't read any of OPs previous threads, so I dont know the circumstances.

@Coffeepot72 exactly this! @alternativeperspective I do tweak details for anonymity... as you are stalking out my past posts you will see his ex gives no one an easy time of it. I am secure in my relationship and know the man I am with, I have no doubts in my decisions to have a child with this man. Life isn’t always black and white and there’s no way a stranger on mums net will be able to understand in total someone’s situation. I didn’t ask for judgement. I was looking for other step parents who have been through this and I only have the interest for his Ds at heart. He used to be his dads side kick and although he hasn’t lived with him for 3 or 4 years I imagine this may get to him. I might be wrong! Just want to be cautious of his feelings. I’m not questioning anything else to do with our lives. So if anyone has been through the same. How did you tell the step children. I mean it’s happening I’m not asking advice on if I should have my child! Iyswim

I’d tell them at the start of the weekend with you so there is time for more discussion or questions and plenty of reassurance if it’s needed,

Who does he usually open up to? You or his dad or both? I’d say make some 1:1 time with him.

The tricky thing would be his mother by the sound of it. If your DP is going to tell her then he could do it on the phone once the children are with you to avoid her ‘accidentally’ breaking the news.

Once they are back with her after the weekend, I’d worry that she may negatively influence your DSS. So take plenty of time to lay great groundwork and ongoing support.

And congratulations!

Well, in all honesty, it should be your DH who tells them, preferably without you there.

These are his kids, and he needs to be the one who tells them that he’s having another baby, because there still is a chance they may react, and there is no guarantee as to how this will go, so he needs to be the one who deals with it.

I know that you say you believe this will bring your family together, but having a baby really isn’t the way to do that. That’s not to say that the DC won’t accept a baby, but you have to go in with your eyes open. You’ve barely been in their lives and now you’re having a baby who will be a permanent fixture in their dad’s life while they aren’t. They may well feel pushed out.

I can see why you tweak details to maintain anonymity, I do it too - but there is a big difference bw a boy of 10 and one of 13. It would be useful to know which it is in order to offer advice.

Well, in all honesty, it should be your DH who tells them, preferably without you there.

Ridiculous, terrible advice. OP is the one who’s pregnant, this will be her baby as much as her partner’s, she’s not incubating it for him to offer his older children to play with.

OP, congratulations. We sat them my DSC down at the start of a week’s contact and said we had some news, that I was x weeks pregnant, baby was due in x month and if they had any questions they could ask us then or at any other time. They were over the moon as we’d hoped and expected, they asked if it would be a boy or a girl (we didn’t know and wouldn’t till the baby was born), if they could choose the name (maybe, not if it was voldermort), and DSS had been doing sex ed at school so asked if we’d got the baby through having sex - accompanied by a rude hand gesture, while giggling his head off. That was unexpected tbh but we all had a laugh and thankfully the moment passed quickly

They had more questions over that week and we went away on holiday so loads of time to chat and it was a happy positive experience for all of us. They adore their sister and their mother hasn’t ever even acknowledged she exists so that’s something I guess.

Best of us.

There’s a handful of posters who frequent this board solely to stick the boot in at any given opportunity which you’ll know if you’ve posted here before. You don’t have to engage with them and their unpleasantness and spiteful digs reflect only on them and not on you.

I can understand tweaking, but there is a big difference between handling a child who has perhaps just turned 7 and one who may be 11 by the time the baby arrives, which is why I also asked how far on OP is.

@ Porcupineintherough no the boy of 13 is a different one who the DH hasn’t seen for 10 years apparently. The other boy is either 7 or 10 and the DD is either 3 or 5. So this bloke has 1 child who he hasn’t seen for 10 years for reasons unknown, and 2 others whose mother tries to stop him seeing.

And according to a different thread the OP and her DH have been together for over 5 years...

And actually the only reason I looked was because someone had alluded to the age differences, and once you see one inconsistency the rest just scream at you.

I'd sit down with them together. They will know something is coming when the meeting is called so just get it out. DH should tell them and what I found helped a lot was telling them it was ok to not know how to feel and if they feel a bit strange that was OK and normal. Then leave and let your DH ask them if they have any questions or worries they can always talk to him.

Then make sure DH tells his ex before they go back to her.

SC looked a bit not sure what to make of the news that's why I said it was ok to not know how to feel.