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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Teen SD and toddler dynamics

38 replies

Anuta77 · 20/02/2021 20:26

Hello,
we have a situation that's happening every time SD is here, which is EOW. Since my toddler was born 3+ years ago, she became sort of obsessed with him, probably partially because she wanted to make sure that he loves her (she was clearly feeling insecure). So she would make extra efforts to give him attention, show him off to people, etc.

Fast forward to now, the toddler obviously loves her, she's feeling secure with his love and their relationship is as follows:

She enters our house and makes a big entrance loudly yelling his name (ignoring me and my other son), insisting on a kiss, then cuddles with his for a few minutes. Then she rapidly loses interest and goes on her screens. Of course, the toddler wants to continue to be with her, so she starts sending him away, which makes him want to insist more. Then, I either have to watch this (or she brings him to me and runs away and he goes after her) or try to disctract him myself, which obviously takes my time from other things.

Once I distract him and he plays happily alone, she decides to start calling him again, asking if he loves her or insisting on a kiss (if he refuses, she pretends to be crying, so he goes). She gets him interested in her again, then loses interest after a few minutes and the cycles restarts. And like that the whole weekend.

If she was just neutrally nice, this wouldn't have happened, but she really makes sure that he's into her with a big short show of affection and then rejects him which is what's bothering me.

Any advice on how to handle this? She literally just came to me while I was writing here to ask me to remove him, except that I can't just switch my son's feelings just like that.

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Original poster

Anuta77 · 21/02/2021 17:56

@Fastestbrownie

God, I used to do all this and more with my 14 years younger brother. Thank God my stepmother was never offended by it and tried to intervene or I don't think we would be as close as we are today as adults. Teenage girls should have a limited interest in toddlers, it's a bad sign if they don't. Also at 3, your son isn't a toddler. He's a preschooler. He should be able to understand that people don't want to play with him 24/7.

I understand you, it's nice when we do whatever we want and nobody tells us anything. Just like nobody thought you that it's impolite to correct adults you don't know. At 3, they are still toddlers and even if it's a "preschooler", what does it have to do with my post?

And please don't tell me about close sibling relationships, I have a sister and I know plenty of close sibling relationships with streaks of toxicity, so it really doesn't necessarily mean much. Furthermore, my SD has 3 other older half-brothers and the one she loves the most is her mother's son. She comes to our house EOW (and only because of lockdown she has no other plans) and it's going to be less and less as she grows, so chances of her being close to my toddler when let's say she's 24 and he's 13 are not very high....

OP posts:

Original poster

Anuta77 · 21/02/2021 18:03

MissLucyEyelesbarrow,
Please give me some credit, being in my early 40s, I have some life experience and can distinguish a person who is nice and who is not. I only gave a very brief overview of SD's behaviour when my son was born. I used to love this girl and was excited about her being involved. It's not what happened and you're making assumptions about what you don't know.

About 14 year girls not being interested in boys, well, SD has several male friends as well as another step-brother who's 15. Her interest in my son was very drastic and yes, it really happened when the toddler was born. She would constantly remove him from my son's arms, intervene if he tried to play with him to the point that when she was with us, my son couldn't get close. Not a big deal, but definetely not a nice behaviour and not very normal either.

She's not a poor girl, she's loved by everybody, but maybe that's what makes her spoiled too.

Basically, she's in the wrong if she gives your DC lots of attention, no attention or intermittent attention.

I don't even know where you took that from. She comes EOW, not one day more, spends most of her time watching videos, if she gave no attention to my toddler, it would change strictly nothing in his life.

OP posts:

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 18:16

I have some life experience and can distinguish a person who is nice and who is not. I only gave a very brief overview of SD's behaviour when my son was born. I used to love this girl

Wow, she is 14 and you have decided she is 'not nice' and that you 'used to' love her? Based on some slightly self-centred behaviour as as a pre-teen/teenager. Poor girl . It seems she was absolutely right to feel insecure when your younger DS was born.

Your expectations sound bizarre. Of course she is more interested in boys who are friends than her 13 year old step-brother. That is perfectly normal.

As for her behaviour when your younger DS was born - presumably she was only 11 or 12, yet you have decided that her over-enthusiasm was 'not nice' and 'not very normal'.

I feel extremely sorry for her, having to visit a household where her DF cba with her (you are quite right that he should be sorting this, not you), and where she can't do anything right.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 21/02/2021 20:23

As for her behaviour when your younger DS was born - presumably she was only 11 or 12, yet you have decided that her over-enthusiasm was 'not nice' and 'not very normal'.

I can tell when someone is overenthusiastic and nice. If I say she wasn't nice, it's because she wasn't. But that's in the past and is irrelevant. You are talking about something you don't know about whatsoever in order to ridiculise me and that's manipulation. Honestly, I don't even know why you're doing this.

OP posts:

Witchymclovely · 21/02/2021 20:30

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet - the lesser spotted Disney Dad.... hilarious, well done. got to be the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 21/02/2021 21:53

Wow, she is 14 and you have decided she is 'not nice' and that you 'used to' love her? Based on some slightly self-centred behaviour as as a pre-teen/teenager. Poor girl sad. It seems she was absolutely right to feel insecure when your younger DS was born.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow..... age is irrelevant, some people just aren’t nice.
Just because she is 14, that doesn’t excuse her behaviour. This is a bit more than self-centred and she should know better.

Then again that’s part of parenting, to make sure that the children we are raising and sending out into the world are pleasant, responsible, well-behaved individuals.
If this girls father was to open his eyes, step up and deal with the behaviour rather than playing Disney Dad then this situation may never have got to this stage. If she isn’t corrected when she treats others this way, how will she ever learn?

Magda72 · 22/02/2021 08:10

Also at 3, your son isn't a toddler. He's a preschooler. He should be able to understand that people don't want to play with him 24/7.
@Fastestbrownie are you for real expecting a 3 year old to understand they're not the centre of the world? And honestly, telling a mother how she should 'classify' her child.....
Not enough eye rolls for this one!

Fastestbrownie · 22/02/2021 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tiredoftattler · 22/02/2021 12:28

OP, your problem may resolve itself in the not to distant future. At age 14, and with what sounds like a not very positive situation for any of you, your SD may very well decide that she would prefer to no longer spend her weekends at your place. She is reaching an age where time with friends will matter more. She may even prefer to spend time with her dad and brother outside of your home. This would probably be the best solution for all of you.

Even at age 3 , your toddler should be observant enough to know how the routine works with his sister and he may be far less traumatized than you think. Your 13 year old may also not have a pressing need for more interaction with your SD than he has now.

The concerns may largely be yours as opposed to those of the children. Again, it is only as large an issue as you make it. What you don't want to happen is for the children to have long moved on from this stage while you are still nursing anger and bitterness.

LenaBlack · 22/02/2021 15:00

14 year old girls can be very self absorbed. You should tell her you don't like how she blows hot and cold with the 3 year old. You absolutely, 100% have the right to intervene.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 22/02/2021 15:23

@Fastestbrownie

The chances of her being close to my toddler when lets say she's 24 and he's 13 is not very high...

Well, that's your choice. I was incredibly close to my brother when I was 24 and he was 10, as was my sister who was 26, because our stepmother didn't try to control our relationship with him. If we wanted to take him out for the day or have him for a sleepover she was like go for it, knock yourself out. On the flip side, if she needed one of us to pick him up from school or babysit when they had a work do, we made it happen. It was a give and take relationship. Very difficult concept. If you want your sd to treat your PRESCHOOLER like family, you need to allow her to do so.

I do not control my TODDLER's relationship with anybody, I only posted on the board to ask for opinions.

It's really stupid honestly to control how I call my child. Did it occur to you that I might be living in another country and maybe in my country kids go to school later than in yours? And maybe that's why they are called toddlers at 3. Even a small search on google would show you that I'm not the only one.

If you were taking your brother out for a day and for sleepovers than you are NOT doing what I am complaining about, which is love bombing, then actively rejecting him few minutes later. Then if he doesn't pay attention to her, behaving in a needy way, then dropping him again.

As for their future relationship, I base my predictions on many other factors that I don't need to describe here. Relationships between siblings depend on their personalities, their living situations, their parents (and that includes SD's mother and my DP) and whether they have other siblings, for example. So stop blaming everything on the SM.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anuta77 · 22/02/2021 15:35

Tiredoftattler,
I don't doubt that the situation will resolve at some point and she will stop coming here. I still can post to ask for advice for now can I? I never even said that anyone was traumatized, I simply don't like it.

What you're trying to say is that she will feel so bad about me that she will ask my DP to see my son outside of our house? It will not even occur to her. She will simply stop coming because of friends and my DP will run to see her just like he does with his older sons and my son will have his own life with his own friends and activities.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anuta77 · 22/02/2021 15:38

@LenaBlack

14 year old girls can be very self absorbed. You should tell her you don't like how she blows hot and cold with the 3 year old. You absolutely, 100% have the right to intervene.

Thank you. I did, let's see if she remembers it in 2 weeks.

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