Teen SD and toddler dynamics

[Anuta77]

Hello,
we have a situation that's happening every time SD is here, which is EOW. Since my toddler was born 3+ years ago, she became sort of obsessed with him, probably partially because she wanted to make sure that he loves her (she was clearly feeling insecure). So she would make extra efforts to give him attention, show him off to people, etc.

Fast forward to now, the toddler obviously loves her, she's feeling secure with his love and their relationship is as follows:

She enters our house and makes a big entrance loudly yelling his name (ignoring me and my other son), insisting on a kiss, then cuddles with his for a few minutes. Then she rapidly loses interest and goes on her screens. Of course, the toddler wants to continue to be with her, so she starts sending him away, which makes him want to insist more. Then, I either have to watch this (or she brings him to me and runs away and he goes after her) or try to disctract him myself, which obviously takes my time from other things.

Once I distract him and he plays happily alone, she decides to start calling him again, asking if he loves her or insisting on a kiss (if he refuses, she pretends to be crying, so he goes). She gets him interested in her again, then loses interest after a few minutes and the cycles restarts. And like that the whole weekend.

If she was just neutrally nice, this wouldn't have happened, but she really makes sure that he's into her with a big short show of affection and then rejects him which is what's bothering me.

Any advice on how to handle this? She literally just came to me while I was writing here to ask me to remove him, except that I can't just switch my son's feelings just like that.

You don’t say how old she is but as a teen she’s at least a decade older than him and this behaviour is poor.

Can your DH or you sit her down and explain why and how things need to change to stop this happening. It’s not a telling off, just a change. And you’ll probably need to remind her a few times. Maybe explain that you can’t simply turn the feelings of tiny children off once they are excited or interested.

Only you know if she’s completely unaware of the impact she’s having or is playing up on it and enjoying the power.

Does she totally ignore your other child or is she just in a rush to make a fuss of the toddler when she arrives?

Your DH needs to have a word with her about this behaviour. Has he noticed or expressed any concern about it before now?

Your toddler must find it so confusing that she’s all over him one minute and pushing him away the next. It’s not up to anyone to “remove him”.

My DH has two teen daughters who could be a bit like this with my DD. DH didn’t deal with it very well so upon seeing my child upset for the umpteenth time I had to be very to the point and firm with them.

She's 14. My other son just turned 13 and they used to be close (met when she was 7 and he was 6), until the toddler was born. She then lost interest in my older son, which I know hurt him. And they grew apart (the screens didn't help). She rarely adresses my other son unless she needs something. In a way, I am afraid that the same thing happens when the toddler grows up and/or she meets the next exciting person (like a boyfriend), but that's another story.

So I don't know if the solution is to explain to her that she shouldn't make a fuss of the toddler or if she does it, then be prepared to play with him for a while? But I know that the same way I can't turn my toddler's feelings off, I can't force her to be interested in him longer, so it's a really annoying situation.

Your DH needs to have a word with her about this behaviour. Has he noticed or expressed any concern about it before now?

My DH never sees anything wrong with his daughter and will never think there's a problem (or the fault with be with the toddler), so I really have to deal with the situation myself to avoid fighting.

How did you deal with it exactly?

As an adult, I know that some adults act like this and it's confusing and hurtful for anyone really.

Sounds tricky. Pretending to cry so he kisses her is especially nasty. He doesn’t owe her or anyone else kisses or hugs.

What does her dad think about how she’s behaving?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Sounds tricky. Pretending to cry so he kisses her is especially nasty. He doesn’t owe her or anyone else kisses or hugs.

What does her dad think about how she’s behaving?

Her dad doesn't think anything, doesn't see anything and will not want to hear anything negative about his princess....

X post on the last bit about your husband. I’d find it extremely hard to respect someone who’s default position for my toddler getting upset was that it was my toddler’s fault when a much older child is deliberately messing with him.

I agree, but he doesn't notice things like that, he's often on another floor and in general, not a person who pays attention to details. If she were truly bad to him, he would certainly say something, but he's not good with subtle things. In reality, based on my previous experiences, I simply don't want to bring it up just to avoid his defensiveness. It's been going on for a long time and because it's suble, I wasn't sure myself whether I was being unreasonble.

You’re not. Don’t doubt yourself. You know your child and you’re seeing him confused and upset, which would upset anyone. Knowing his father will choose to look the other way makes it much worse.

Speak to her calmly. Explain that she is older and in control of her feelings but the toddler isn’t yet and her behaviour could be damaging to him. Tell her that he loves her and being pushed and pulled hurts. I’d imagine that will strike a chord because its likely to be exactly how she feels/has felt herself. Then the next time she calls for him for a kiss, go to her and offer one yourself - take the baby, involve him ‘oh toddler, lets give (step sister) lots of kisses, let him do it then take him
away, so you are making the rules, not her. She’ll soon tire of it.

I would just explain it; my DD loves DSD and is like that when she first arrives and I can see that DSD sometimes doesn’t want the attention/to play and I’ve talked to DSD about giving DSD a bit of attention then I’ll distract her.

I would do your best to stop him going to her in the first place.
Maybe the when she first arrives you could be bathing/feeding him.
Then each time you hear her calling him distract him and prevent him going to her.
If she pretend cries, tell her to stop embarrassing herself trying to upset a child.
Don't raise your voice or anything, remain as pleasant as you usually are but just stop this picking up/putting down.
If she complains to her father you can mimic him, claim ignorance and get defensive.

@Anuta77

Your DH needs to have a word with her about this behaviour. Has he noticed or expressed any concern about it before now?

My DH never sees anything wrong with his daughter and will never think there's a problem (or the fault with be with the toddler), so I really have to deal with the situation myself to avoid fighting.

How did you deal with it exactly?

As an adult, I know that some adults act like this and it's confusing and hurtful for anyone really.

Oh good - the lesser spotted Disney Dad. It’s infuriating when they refuse to acknowledge any poor behaviour thereby they end up enabling the behaviour and any subsequent upset.

At first I calmly explained to both girls (15 & 17) that DD (age 3) didn’t understand why they would chop and change in their attitude towards her, that she loved them and missed them when they weren’t there and was naturally excited when they came to stay. I thought I’d got the message across but after a while they reverted back so I had to be quite firm and clear with them.

I would never wish them to feel unwelcome but I won’t have my child upset and confused by the behaviour of those old enough to know better.
And yes, I told DH that I was disappointed that he didn’t make more of an effort to resolve the situation.

Teenagers rarely have sustained interest in toddlers and the toddlers survive. You cannot micromanage every sibling interaction. The dynamics would likely be different if they lived together.

At age 3 , your son probably has a relatively short attention span and he too probably moves on in short order to the next person or thing that attracts his attention.
You might speak to her and ask that she be a bit more attentive to his feelings, but exactly how much prolonged interaction do you expect between a 3 year old with a 3 year old attention span and a probably self absorbed teenager?

Both of the kids will have probably forgotten the brief interaction while you are still stewing about it.

This only becomes a major issue if you make it one.

@M0rT

I would do your best to stop him going to her in the first place. Maybe the when she first arrives you could be bathing/feeding him. Then each time you hear her calling him distract him and prevent him going to her. If she pretend cries, tell her to stop embarrassing herself trying to upset a child. Don't raise your voice or anything, remain as pleasant as you usually are but just stop this picking up/putting down. If she complains to her father you can mimic him, claim ignorance and get defensive.

I’d do this.

The way she ignores your other son is unpleasant, too.

I think there is a fair bit of assumption on here that she wouldn't take a discussion on board, when no conversation about it has yet occurred.

I agree that it needs to come from her dad, but at least give her the chance to see what she is doing, and how it might be affecting your sons in a non accusatory way first. As pp said, she may even have experience through family or friends of this hot/cold treatment and realise how confusing it is. Then if she doesn't take it on board, you can pull her up on it.

@Tiredoftattler

Teenagers rarely have sustained interest in toddlers and the toddlers survive. You cannot micromanage every sibling interaction. The dynamics would likely be different if they lived together.

At age 3 , your son probably has a relatively short attention span and he too probably moves on in short order to the next person or thing that attracts his attention.
You might speak to her and ask that she be a bit more attentive to his feelings, but exactly how much prolonged interaction do you expect between a 3 year old with a 3 year old attention span and a probably self absorbed teenager?

Both of the kids will have probably forgotten the brief interaction while you are still stewing about it.

This only becomes a major issue if you make it one.

This has been going on for a while and if it wasn't an issue, I wouldn't react. If I'm reacting, it's because it is an issue, at least for me.

1. Everybody survives everything, but we still don't want our kids to feel bad.

2. Nobody gets fixated on anybody 100%, but my toddler is fairly constant about people he loves, but that's not the point.

3. I don't want to micromanage, but she's the one who calls him, then calls me to remove him or brings him to me herself, and then he runs back, so even if I wanted to ignore, it's a bit hard.

4. I personally dislike people who make a big fuss about other people, then massively lose interest. It hurt me many times in my life and I would like my children not to be affected by that.

The way she ignores your other son is unpleasant, too.

Yes, that affects me as well, even if it's life.

When she enters, she's so busy making a fuss out of the toddler eventhough all 3 of us are present that she often forgot to say hello. I had to remind her lol.
When someone enters, my first reaction is to go greet them, but several times I was stopped in my tracks as she would literally not see me eventhough I (and my other son) were closer to her. Same with goodbyes. At this point, I think I have to just continue whatever I was doing and wait until she's ready to greet me. But it feels weird.

Thank you all for the advice.

You need to speak to your husband first, he may not see it but that doesn’t mean its up to you do deal with it and that it shouldn’t be brought up with him. Speak to him, point out the behaviour and the impact of it on your son and then together decide how to deal with it.

I’d call her out on it every single time. She’s being rude and thoughtless. And acting like some kind of celebrity. Your H sounds like he’s enabling all this but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

Show your children that certain behaviours are not acceptable, particularly in your own home.

@Fastestbrownie

God, I used to do all this and more with my 14 years younger brother. Thank God my stepmother was never offended by it and tried to intervene or I don't think we would be as close as we are today as adults. Teenage girls should have a limited interest in toddlers, it's a bad sign if they don't. Also at 3, your son isn't a toddler. He's a preschooler. He should be able to understand that people don't want to play with him 24/7.

So a mother should stand aside let her toddler be repeatedly emotionally played with for no good reason? Love bombing followed by ‘take him away’ then pretend crying when she wants the attention again and demands kisses?

She’s 14 years old and should know that behaviours impact others. Equally, if she was unable to be corrected in any behaviour without it risking a damaged relationship for years after then life is likely to be extremely had for her as she grows up.

Nice victim blaming of a toddler, too. You really think a 3yo should be more emotionally intelligent than a 14 yo and make allowances for the way she treats him? 🙄

I don't understand why you're seeing this as the SD being unreasonable/unkind, when no one has even asked her to stop yet. It seems you're determined to put the worse possible interpretation on her actions, when they are probably simply immaturity.

Firstly, your other DS: get real. How many 14 year old girls want to interact with their 13 year old brothers? Yes, it is tough for the younger sibling, but hopefully it's only temporary, till they are both through puberty. Do not spoil their previously good relationship by implying to your DS that she is being unfair. Just reassure him that it is a phase that all teenage siblings go through.

With your toddler son, you aren't giving your SD any credit at all. Even the fact that she made a big effort when he was born is put down to her feeling insecure, not to her actually - you know - being nice. Many 11 year olds would have acted out that insecurity by being horrible to the baby or ignoring it. She chose to be very engaged with your DS. Again, the poor girl can't win because - according to you - this was being "sort of obsessed with him". Read some other threads on here about blended family dynamics. You are incredibly lucky that your SD is so positive towards both your DC, but all you can see about her is the negative.

Basically, she's in the wrong if she gives your DC lots of attention, no attention or intermittent attention.

I do agree that she shouldn't be calling your DS over and then sending him away. But you haven't actually told her to stop. It's easy to say that she should know better, but she is 14 and she only sees him for 4 days a month.

I would ask her to stop, but in the context of a lot of praise for the positive aspects of her relationship with him - "You''re so lovely with DS, SD, but could you not do XXXX because, now that he's older, he is finding it upsetting". Also, give her the opportunity to engage with him in positive ways - read him a bedtime story perhaps.

@Fastestbrownie

God, I used to do all this and more with my 14 years younger brother. Thank God my stepmother was never offended by it and tried to intervene or I don't think we would be as close as we are today as adults. Teenage girls should have a limited interest in toddlers, it's a bad sign if they don't. Also at 3, your son isn't a toddler. He's a preschooler. He should be able to understand that people don't want to play with him 24/7.

It's not hard to tell that nobody ever told you you were being unpleasant...