Blending families

[whatwouldjudydo]

I am yet to meet DP children however due to circumstances outside our control he met mine quite early on, we have now been dating for 9 months and feel it's time to meet his DC however it's causing me a lot of anxiety worrying if they will accept me, will everyone blend etc. Obviously it will be another couple of months once lockdown is over anyway but I am worried it's been quite a while now and obviously he has met my DC and seen a lot of them as he is our support bubble. I have met his family members and some of the nieces/nephews already in passing and just worry his children have been left till last to meet me. They know I exist, their mum has been very difficult during lockdown, cutting contact right back, only having one or two of the children come to what are very limited contact times already, despite DP requesting more time/overnights. I understand he doesn't want to rock the boat with her I am just worried when the children do finally meet how they will feel and react seeing how my children are with him as they have had longer to bond and will be spending more time. Their father is heavily involved so DP isn't that role to them but they all get on and I guess he's like a fun uncle role. I am just very conscious of making this as comfortable for them as possible and asking for experience of what helps introductions. Thanks.

Aw you seem really lovely. I have a friend who was in a similar position. Best advice I can give you is just follow their lead.. Don't force them to like you, spend time with you.. Just make them feel welcome but give them space if they want to see their dad alone. Encourage the relationship between their step siblings too. Leave the discipline and parenting to their parents but just be a friendly person to make them feel comfortable. Maybe once they start coming over buy some of their favourite treats etc.
It'll be fine if you don't force it.

Try not to worry and see how it goes. It is important you meet them though.

I have a situation similar I met one of my DPs DC earlier and he met mine. How youngest we waited longer for the same reasons, his mum making it awkward and him not wanting to rock the boat. Tbh whilst we are blended it always feels to me a bit like his youngest is on the outskirts and not fully blended. My DC both don’t see him the same way they do his eldest who they treat like their additional brother (just to specify there is a different amount of time spent with each too) and I don’t feel I have been able to develop the same kind of relationship with his youngest either.

It’s hard when you know exes will be awkward. But I do think my DP regrets leaving it so long now as he can see it too. He’s completely welcome here, has his own stuff and we spend time with him, but it’s just different. I didn’t want it that way and asked to meet earlier but DP was reluctant because of ex at the time. As I said I think he regrets it now as it’s likely to have lasting effects.

Sometimes they will surprise you , depending on their ages . If children see their Dad so much happier then tend to be much more happy too especially if their Mum has created a bit of a fuss .

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, I would never intrude on their time with their dad but obviously it would be nice to meet them as me and DP are very serious and hope to live together in a couple of years time if things went well and we all mixed okay. As I said the time they have with dad is quite limited atm, I wouldn't want to see them everytime they see their dad as I understand they will want time with him alone too (when my parents split and my dad found his now wife I remember even as a 17 year old feeling a bit put out that everytime I saw him she was there and sometimes I wanted to just be able to have a deep convo with him which I wasn't comfy doing in front of her yet - obv I spoke to him and he hadn't thought of it that way but DP children are much younger) so I'm also conscious that seeing them 1/2 times a month it will take a lot longer to build a bond than he has with my children that he sees 3/4 times a week. I am hoping it goes as smoothly as my children have taken to him, I don't think the ex would say anything negative, DP hasn't mentioned anything and she knows about me and that DP wants me to meet them I think more atm with lockdown she's just limiting the contact they have and is over worried. I was thinking perhaps for a first meet to go and meet them in the park for a few hours then leave again alone so that it's not too overwhelming! I think I'm massively overthinking!!

Why not meet them as you would anyone else that you would want to have a favorable impression of you? At this point in time, you are dad's girl friend or significant other. You have no familial ties with them and your only connection to them is your shared interest in their father.

Treat them in the same way that you would treat children 's friends or guests of your children. You will have several years to get to know them and they to know you. Relationships evolve ; they are not instantaneous. Do not be effusive in any way, and do not make a fuss over them. You want them to go home to their mom feeling and responding in the same way that they would after a visit with one of their friends. They need nothing more from you but a genuine welcome and easy interactions.

Gently going against the grain here, OP.

Not sure what part of the world you are in but could it be that his ex is worried about COVID if your DP is spending time with you, your children and his wider family?

Let it happen naturally and build up gradually - meeting you a few times before you start introducing your children. You don’t say the ages and this is very relevant.

It sounds like he needs to get his own contact schedule back on an even keel first, especially if his DC are little. And they will still need plenty of weekends on their own with dad, too.

Try to let go of the idea that any delays are an issue - there’s nothing to fast-track here.

I would say don’t do a big ‘meet the girlfriend’ thing with lots of awkwardness and pressure.
Could you just meet them in the park for the first time ? The kids could play together if they’re the same age and get on. That way you can go your separate ways if it’s not going well.