Horrible night feeling really awful

[sunchowder]

I debated writing this as I am usually so upbeat and happy. I know I need to call a therapist and discuss it there which I will do...I just feel so crap at the moment. DH and I have been married for almost 11 years (just got back from fab cruise in Carribean), we have a beautiful home, lovely but simple lifestyle. Our children do not really want for anything--we both work full time and I have had the absolute blessing to be able to work out of my home since my DD was 2.

These are second marriages for both of us, I had not had any children when we met, he had 3 children all of which were living with him ages 11, 7 and 2.5. We were married after nine months and I was immediately pregnant with my DD (I was 37 with my bio clock ticking). I went from being single, divorced to married with 4 children in a very short time. We made it through. My DH is not very hands-on. He goes to work and comes home and handles the "outside" type chores. He works six days a week, usually about 70 hours. Most of the time he is exhausted which is easy to understand. As I don't stand up for myself and am very much a giver (to a fault) I have always taken on the lion's share in terms of child rearing, taking care of home, appointments (our entire life) along with working full time. 3 years ago I became totally exhuasted and went into therapy. I have been on ADs since then and they have helped very much as I am not as obessive as to how the house looks or keeping an inventory of our foodstuffs, believing that the kids behavior was a reflection of my parenting ability, etc. I was very much a perfectionist. I lost my father a year ago in May and my older brother was diagnosed with psychitzo-effective disorder (a form of bi-polar). He is currently in a hospital right now for the next three weeks. Again in my role as the caretaker, I had him living with us two years ago, etc. which was not healthy for my family.

We had a major row last night over my stepson who will be 21 in July. He refused to go to college or contribute to our home so we had asked him to move out last year (on my prompting). I thought that life would teach him what I couldn't. He had been horribly disrespectful to me, etc. but as this is my first time around I don't know if this is the regular teenage thing. I had a terrible time with my older step daughter so she moved up to South Carolina to live with her mother 9 years ago. Within a year of her moving there, she became pregnant (hid the pregnancy from her father with her mother's support) and announced to DH on the following father's day that he was a grandpa. That is the least of it--I could go on for pages. His older daughter accused me of child abuse before going to live with her mom and I was interviewed by Social Services along with all of my neighbors. I lived for an additional year in that neighborhood with all of my neighbors who were absoultely rotten to me. This was the house that I owned when my DH met me, so it worked out in the end to make a move to the house we are in, but it was a terrible year for me (and his daughter I guess).

Anyway, my stepson moved about about 8 months ago, but due to the hurricanes (rental was damaged)and his financial woes, my DH allowed him to move back in temporarly. No rules were set up for him and he has been here for 9 weeks. My DH and he worked on a budget, but my stepson has not been able to save a penny and has not secured a second job to assist with this. We are not asking him for any rent. When we came back from our holiday our front door was smashed and the inside was clearly punched. My stepson lied and said he knew nothing about it. Last night during our fight with my stepson, (which I started as I asked him to get a second job), my stepson accused me of being an abuser. This totally took the wind out of me. I blurted out to both of them, that I should leave with my DD as clearly I had no place in raising his children as both of them believed I was an abuser. I know this was wrong, we usually present a united front and talk about things privately. My stepson packed his things and left last night after crying and screaming and putting his father on a tremendous guilt trip.

Later, when my DH and I were discussing the disagreement, he told me he put me first in front of his daughter and I should know that he loves me. He felt I had taken it "too far" tonight and was very worried about our son and that he was going to start smoking pot again and get into additional financial problems. He said that our son needed family and stablity. I asked him if he wanted to separate and he said No. (I have NEVER asked him this before).

I am just blown away. Everytime I feel that I need to set boundries for my own health, I just feel so shut down. My DH believes that you sacrifice all for your children and then he asked me if I would have treated my own daughter this way and I told him I didn't know....

I know this is a mess and I probably shouldn't have even posted. I would much rather chat and laugh with all of you than post a novelette downer. I don't even know if I have expressed the things that are even important to give you a picture. I know I am supposed to be the adult, I know I am not supposed to react and take things personally. I had to attend a hearing yesterday to keep my brother in the hospital and testify to recommend him for a minimum 6 week placement in a state hospital. I did not ask my DH to go with me (I went alone)and it was horrible too. My DH never called to see how I was, nor did I call him for support. I don't believe he has the energy to support my emotional needs or my physcial needs for that matter. Any words?

hugs babe don't know what to say - thinkyou need some time out for you and your dd

Oh sunchowder, what a lot you have on your plate. Anyone would find it difficult to cope with that lot! I think the main thing is that you and your dh pull together where your children are concerned - you sound like a great step-mum, and you speak with concern as if they were your natural children. Could you and your dh sit down and discuss what to do with your stepson - it sounds like he does need support, but possibly you and your dh are not in a position to give him the sort of support he needs. Perhaps you could work out a plan with him too. Your dh sounds like he really does love and respect you, but even within the best relationships terrible arguments can flare up. I've always thought the key was how you make up after an argument - if you just brush it away, then you may argue again about the same thing, but if you can discuss what was the cause of the argument, then a solution can be reached.

Keep talking! It is the only way! xxx

Oh Sunchowder, what a horrible set of situations to be dealing with right now. How you have been strong enough to keep going through all this beats me. I have so little experience of this kind of fraught situation I don't feel I can offer any advice. But there are some wonderful, brilliant people on here who can.
So I'm bumping you, sending you hugs and pointing out that adults ARE allowed to react, take things personally, oh, and expect their emotional and physical needs to be met.

Sunchowder, I really don't know what to saw, apart from sending hugs

gosh how awful. i don't have any sage advice, just lots of loving thoughts, x

Thank you for your kind words Gothic Mamma,Tortoiseshell, Kalex, Bundle and Marina it feels better to know you are out there.

Bump...more thoughts?

I am hoping that some of our wise and shrewd step-parents will be able to reassure you and give you some empathy, Sunchowder, so I am bumping you (until I clock off at 7pm and return happily to Vomit Towers...)
It is half-term for a lot of British parents this week btw and several notable Mumsnetters are only dipping this week by the look of it. Maybe they will sneak a peek tonight, hang in there. I think all of us who have responded thus far have been genuinely shocked at how much our sunshine girl has had to contend with in RL.
Still sending you hugs and vibes. XXX

Sunchowder, so sorry you are going through such pain and anguish. As Marina said, it's a holiday week over here so there may be many experienced 'netters away at the mo.

Just a thought about your brother - you mentioned he was your 'older' brother, are there any other siblings who could help with this responsibility, and I was wondering about your Mother (you mentioned your late Father).

Sending hugs to you over the pond. xxx

Oh sunchowder, you poor thing. I don't think I have anything concrete to say, as although I'm a step-parent, my stepchildren are in their twenties and haven't given us problems like this.

What I am going to say will probably sound quite harsh to some people on here, but I honestly think that a 20 year old is not a child. Not very mature maybe, but an adult nonetheless, who must take responsibility for his own actions. How can you possibly be expected to live with someone who accuses you of being an abuser? Your dh is understandably upset and torn, but no-one has the right to ask that of you. No-one. Your stepson sounds as though he is a very troubled young man, but one who is still expecting everyone else to bail him out. He has to learn! He just has to. Your were completely right in suggesting that he support himself. What is the alternative? He lives with you until after your biological children have left home, and then some???

Sweetheart, I can't begin to imagine who you are coping with this, bereavement, and a brother with schizo-affective disorder. Your dh will surely calm down and realise that the way to repair his relationship with his son is to stand no nonsense from him until he learns to respect you, your dh, and also himself.

None of this rambling is helping at all, I know, but I do understand a bit of what you're going through, and you have to not think of your stepson as a child, but as a young adult with a lot to learn.

Hugs, a kiss, and many sympathies.

No wise words I'm afraid, but lots of hugs and happy thoughts coming your way.

Um, my first thoughts are, your husband's working hours seem totally excessive and leave you essentially a single parent. It's not good blaming you for his son's woes if he's simply not there. There has to be a way he can be more physically present in your home and do more stuff inside the house. Secondly, yes, your stepson is an adult. A young one, but an adult nonetheless. IMO you cannot be expected to live with him if he treats you (and your home) like this. Plenty of natural parents would also feel the same, I am sure. Why are the stepchildren so hostile I wonder? What do you think is behind this? Was their parents breakup very hostile? Why did their mother not live with them? I'm not saying your husband shouldn't have them, not at all, but it is unusual so I wondered if there was some background that has made them so troubled. HOw are things with the youngest? Please don't panic about your relationship with your husband. Maybe set aside some time to really talk to him, not just about the kids but about how much work he contributes to family life and the fact that you are obviously not coping. ADs and counselling are not IMO substitutes for dealing with the root cause of your exhaustion, which I think may lie with your husband's long hours. Maybe joint therapy/marital counselling would actually be more useful than therapy on your own. This is a joint problem IMO and maybe could be better addressed as such. Good luck.

Oh Sunchowder, what a difficult situation. I really feel for you. There was a very similar situation is my family - my uncle had a very difficult first marriage and had two daughters from that marriage. He then remarried a wonderful woman and had a daughter with her. His older girls ocassionally lived with them, but they both had problems due to their parents bad marriage and awful break-up and had very very dramatic scary teenage years with suicide attempts and drugs and so on. I love my cousins (the younger of the two older girls is exactly my age) but even I could see how difficult my aunt was finding it. She was amazing though, loving but firm, told the girls they were welcome to stay but they had to work or study. Bags were packed and unpacked regularly. Anyway, all this was 20 or so years ago now and it did all work out in the end. My older cousins have a better relationship with their father than they ever had before, the younger daughter is truly a delight and is at college studying medicine. So hang on in there, you sound like you are as wonderful and loving and tough as my aunt and I feel sure that things will get better for you. I also agree with tamum that your stepson should be standing on his own two feet and he should not be allowed to abuse your loving support.

I think aloha's point about your husband's working week is very valid too.

Thank you so much Tamum, Marina and Jodee. Jodee, my Mom passed away 13 years ago now. I do have another older brother living in Santa Barbara, Ca. He does stay in touch via phone, but cannot (doesn't) play a more active role. He has twin boys that just turned 1 in September and he is 52!! They are coming to see me for Thanksgiving, so I really need to scrape myself off the floor by then.

Tamum, thanks so much for your response. It really does help to hear this from you and your experience. I don't know what to say to my DH this evening. I just got up from a long nap (and I am supposed to be working). I was hoping to feel better, but I am still so down about it. Nothing my stepson could have said would have hurt me more and I resented my DH for saying he puts me in front of his children even after he heard that....I am hoping time will help and a call to my therapist. I have made a tremendous amount of sacrifice for this son in particular we sent him to England with his class in High School for a trip with the Band (besides vacations each year), and we spent more than $5K to have braces for his teeth so that he could look exceptionally gorgeousneither of which his own mother could have provided for himit is not just the material things, don't get me wrongwhen I am upset like this, my mind just grabs at everything. He cried to his father before he left and said, I don't know why I can't show my appreciation for anything "she" has done for me, but I just can't. Not so great to be the "she". He does have problems, we have brought him to therapy and he still has therapy options available under my insurancehe won't make the effort to go.

Thank you Aloha and Wilber. Wilber for your experience and Aloha for your fantastic insight.

My DH emigated here from the UK 15 years ago with his first wife (she was born in the USA, but grew up in England --her Mom is British and is living in Weymouth). She was pregnant with my younger stepson just before leaving England. They were here on vacation a year earlier and decided to make a life change. They went to Washington DC to her Stepfather's home and borrowed his RV. They lived by Disney in a Trailer Park until they had enough for a down payment on their house. She met a man at the trailer park and began having an affair. When they moved to their home, this man came to live with them as a handy man to help my DH clear their land and build a small garage. Afer about 8 months my DH came home to a note on the table stating his wife had left him, she had taken the youngest with her and abandoned the older two after she put them on the school bus. He ran over to the neighbors house and his 11 and 7 year old were there waiting for him. I met my DH 8 months after his wife had left. He traced her via the phone bills and got his little one back and all three of them were living together when I met him.

The kids have always had problems, we have been in and out of therapy with them over the past 10 years. They did not see their Mom for 12 months until she came here for the divorce. Then they did not see her for 1.5 years until I decided to make the trip up to SC and have a supervised visit. After this visit my older step daughter stayed with her mom for 4 weeks in the summer, came back and accused me of child abuse so that she could go and live with her Mom. I agree that I have been all but a single parent Aloha, and I agree that we could benefit from Marriage counselling. I am going to call tomorrow and set something up. My DH does not really feel that therapy helps and is not one to volunteer to go, but I believe he will go with my prompting.

Sunchowder, I am so sorry to hear you're going through this - you're always so upbeat and positive; I had no idea your life was so complicated. First off, it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong - you've been thrown into a complex situation and you've made the very best of it. A lot of people would have floundered going from essentially single to Mum of four in such a short space of time - wow! And with the hours your dh works to have to do much of this alone - you're an impressive woman Your step-children obviously have a lot of emotional baggage and hurt going on: this isn't your fault either. From all your posts on Mumsnet, where your genuine sympathy and empathy shine through, I think they have been very lucky to have you around.

I'm also with tamum - you say that you're "the adult". True - but so is your step-son; he is almost 21. He is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions and have a lot more self-awareness than he is demonstrating. He needs to grow up a bit.

It sounds like your relationship with dh is fundamentally strong - you wouldn't have made it this far under all the pressures you have if it wasn't. And this is the time when you have to be united - you must talk (I know you know this, but he doesn't sound as communicative as you!) I think marriage counselling is an excellent idea - if he agrees to go, likewise for you to have a chat with your therapist.

They are and always will be his children - let him know that you know and accept that. But you have your life together to think of too and..maybe..I am sorry if this sounds harsh...maybe you will never be the perfect happy family. His children, however, have to learn to treat you with the courtesy you deserve - even if you will never be their best friend. Maybe when your step-son gains a little more independence and self-esteem - and maturity - he will modify his behaviour towards you.

Just keep talking to dh, stay together on this - and you will get through it. He has asked a hell of a lot of you - it's time he gave a bit back.

HTH a bit - I am just wittering off the top of my head as I have absolutely no experience of step-families; I just know that you are a lovely person who doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

bump

Thank you Martha! It is like an amazing soap opera and usually and I just so upbeat that none of this gets to me. Thank you for your kind words, they all mean so much to me. My relationship with DH is strong, it is just that whenI put the pressure on for more support, he comes apart--this is where we need the help. Thanks again.

Sunchowder my heart goes out to you and I wish peace for you as it sounds as though you are working very hard for all of your family.

I work with some very angry young men and one thing that is very common is that they will vent their emotions on to those that they trust and love the most. From what your SS said as he left it seems that he has found a safe way to release his anger and that happens to be you. This may not make you feel any better but I hope that you take comfort from the fact that it maybe because you are the safest and most stable and sucure person in his life that he will react to you in this way. He has been very much emotionally abused by his mother and this will always remain a part of his personality, however it is time for him to decide that this will either beat him and he turns the support of you away or he is going to move forward and let it make him stronger.

Sunchowder be strong for you and for him. He needs boundries as this is how children(emotionally he is still one) most feel love. Do not give in to him stand your ground but you must communicate to him why and most of all that you do love him and welcome him in your home if he can sort it out. I suggest that you write him a letter. It allows you to tell him what you feel without it turning into an arguement and it gives him time to think. In the end you can only give so much and it is time for him to make his choices....Good luck and remember that you must look after your needs first.

I was thinking about you last night and am really pleased to see that you think your dh will come along to some couples therapy if you prod him into it. Good luck with that Sunchowder, I am sure any sensible therapist will help him realise in a constructive way that you have been doing all the supporting for far too long.
I worry these days that for all sorts of complex social reasons more pressure than ever is placed on couples to be everything to each other, and for disappointment to set in when it becomes obvious that one other person can't be a substitute for an extended family, network of geographically and emotionally close friends etc. When we went through a rough patch after our son was stillborn, I know we both felt let down by our inability to care for each other properly 24/7. We didn't seek joint counselling but went individually and it was a huge help to come back home and talk it through together. It definitely did the trick.
I do wonder whether some of your husband's difficulties in relating to your stress levels are because at some level he still feels he is in a strange place, far from "home".
I agree with everything Marthamoo said about you - he IS lucky to have you, so are your step-children, their damage is not down to you AT ALL. Maybe they strike out at you BECAUSE you are a constant, loving and upbeat presence in their lives, and because they can't get through to their neglectful birth mother.
How are you feeling today?

Oh my goodness, thanks so much again Marina and Reflection and to everyone that has taken the time to read my novel. You are so kind and you have no idea how much it means to me to read your thoughts. Today is a bit better. My SS went over to the car dealership to get his oil changed and spoke with DH in the afternoon after he was finished with work. He came back and we had a talk and laid out some ground rules and a strict budget. He did not apologize, but he did thank us for spending the time with him on a budget (this is my fourth try--I had already typed one in Excel which he had thrown away several months ago). He is going to refocus his efforts on getting the second job and we laid out a goal for him to have $300 in savings by the end of December. We told him that if he was not able to accomplish this, that he would have to move out and live independently. We agreed that we would set a new goal in December. We also set up some guidelines that he must eat the family meals with us in the evening and be in by 11:00P on weekdays and be kind to his brother and sister. So....it is a start.

As for DH and I, he came home as if nothing had happened, but he did pull out a pad and pencil to lay out the ground rules so at least he participated in that. It feels very good to hear that my SS's anger might be misdirected and that he feel's safe with meit is difficult to accept that while being attacked this way. I also know that my DH is "out of country", but we have had many discussions around my exhaustion, he tries for a bit and then falls back into his comfortable "role" so to speak. I am at fault,I know this, because I have always done things, I hate to ask for help. I just go into my hole and think, if he loved me, he would see that I am exhausted and drained and he would help me. I overeat or overspend to compensate for that empty part of me I guess. He is truly a great guy, if I was not working full time (which his first wife did not), it would not be as difficult. He never demands a meal, he is a gentle, wonderful soulI just feel like I need a small army of helpers and outside emtional support to get me through these tough times. I also thought my SS was moved out of our home "for good" and I was so disappointed and upset about the way that he came back and the manipulation and hurt that came along with it. I have requested my SS to be honest with us in the future, I don't know if he will or not.

I just want to thank you all again for your kind and wise words at my vulnerable time.

It sounds like a very GOOD start to me! From how SS has behaved today I'd say he knows pretty well you two are on his side. I hope he can reach his savings objective and find that second job soon. We have a programme running here in the UK on TV at the moment called "Bank of Mum and Dad" in which parents intervene to sort out their adult children's cash crises. You sound like you could be programme advisors...
So glad he is being civil and cooperative now. You are a big-hearted, wise woman to let him back in the home, he will truly appreciate that someday and maybe that's when you will get your apology.
Have a good weekend Sunchowder!

Thanks so much Marina! Can't wait till I'm back to my chipper self!