Stepmum with no biological children

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ladybee28 · 19/02/2021 10:34

I am absolutely childfree.

Don't consider myself a stepmother, though, and I never describe myself as such –I'm the partner of a man who has children. In fact when people use that term to refer to me, I'll correct them, and I do so in front of DSS, too. So maybe that's the difference.

Hillary111 · 19/02/2021 10:39

Same as @ladybee28

Certainlyuncertain · 19/02/2021 10:59

I think it depends both on how you view your role and your family set up. I definitely wouldn’t consider myself child free because I don’t live the life of a child free person (DSC lives with us, is a troubled kid and I’m very involved day to day). If there was a functional coparenting arranging between DSC’s Mum and Dad I wouldn’t be so involved and might still consider myself childfree. I think one of the reasons step-parenting is so hard is that every family is so different.

KylieKoKo · 19/02/2021 12:25

I consider myself to have the best of both worlds to be honest. I am close to DSDs and have fun with them but don't have to deal with any of the grunt work of parenting and am free to do my own thing when they're here if that's what I fancy.

TrulyGrool · 19/02/2021 13:44

I'm not a child free step mum anymore but I was for a long time, my son is only a baby.

I would have called myself child free before. I don't consider my step children my children although I do care for them.

The only difference is whilst I considered myself to be childfree, my lifestyle wasn't really childfree as I couldn't do the things other childfree people could, or more like I could have done but I'd have been doing them without my husband a lot of the time!

So yes, childfree but in a different way.

MotherExtraordinaire · 19/02/2021 14:42

@ladybee28

I am absolutely childfree.

Don't consider myself a stepmother, though, and I never describe myself as such –I'm the partner of a man who has children. In fact when people use that term to refer to me, I'll correct them, and I do so in front of DSS, too. So maybe that's the difference.

But you're not child free. The child has to be considered in everything from meal planning, to when and where you're both as partners able to go on holiday. Basically, you've got all of the baggage of a child, but none of the perks! Equally, I find it so sad that you think it's appropriate to correct others in front of the sc. How sad, that you in effect, see yourself as merely transient and not a permanent part of your ohs and his child's lives.

PullUpTrev · 19/02/2021 14:55

Childfree in the sense that I didn't have children (I don't consider my SCs my children).

Not childfree in the sense that I can live my life in the way a truly childfree couple can.

KylieKoKo · 19/02/2021 16:20

Equally, I find it so sad that you think it's appropriate to correct others in front of the sc. How sad, that you in effect, see yourself as merely transient and not a permanent part of your ohs and his child's lives.

I firmly disagree @MotherExtraordinaire

I think DSD's would find it weird if someone referred to them as my children in front of them and I didn't correct them and went along with pretending to be their mum.

I am not sure how factually saying that your step-child isn't your child is implying that you are transient. You have projected a meaning that isn't there.

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 19/02/2021 19:28

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Talk Step-parenting
Stepmum with no biological children9
Today 10:27Eng2345

If you are a stepmum and you enjoy it and are involved with the stepchildren but don’t want biological children do you see yourself as childfree or a parent because you are a stepmum?!

Someone once said to me you aren’t childfree because you have stepchildren, yet I sort of see myself as childfree because I don’t want my ‘own’ children. It just made me think!
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Today 10:34ladybee28

I am absolutely childfree.

Don't consider myself a stepmother, though, and I never describe myself as such –I'm the partner of a man who has children. In fact when people use that term to refer to me, I'll correct them, and I do so in front of DSS, too. So maybe that's the difference.
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Today 10:39Hillary111

Same as @ladybee28
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Today 10:59Certainlyuncertain

I think it depends both on how you view your role and your family set up. I definitely wouldn’t consider myself child free because I don’t live the life of a child free person (DSC lives with us, is a troubled kid and I’m very involved day to day). If there was a functional coparenting arranging between DSC’s Mum and Dad I wouldn’t be so involved and might still consider myself childfree. I think one of the reasons step-parenting is so hard is that every family is so different.
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Today 12:25KylieKoKo

I consider myself to have the best of both worlds to be honest. I am close to DSDs and have fun with them but don't have to deal with any of the grunt work of parenting and am free to do my own thing when they're here if that's what I fancy.
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Today 13:44TrulyGrool

I'm not a child free step mum anymore but I was for a long time, my son is only a baby.

I would have called myself child free before. I don't consider my step children my children although I do care for them.

The only difference is whilst I considered myself to be childfree, my lifestyle wasn't really childfree as I couldn't do the things other childfree people could, or more like I could have done but I'd have been doing them without my husband a lot of the time!

So yes, childfree but in a different way.
Bookmark

MotherExtraordinaire

ladybee28

I am absolutely childfree.

But you're not child free. The child has to be considered in everything from meal planning, to when and where you're both as partners able to go on holiday. Basically, you've got all of the baggage of a child, but none of the perks!
Equally, I find it so sad that you think it's appropriate to correct others in front of the sc. How sad, that you in effect, see yourself as merely transient and not a permanent part of your ohs and his child's lives.

But you are child free if you have no children so why do you need to consider your none existent children in anything never mind everything you do?
I now have a child of my own who I consider in everything I do but even now I have a child of my own I still don't consider the dsc in everything.
I've taken to doing most of the cooking recently and discovered that I'm actually quite good at it and sometimes, just sometimes, the wine even makes it to the pan but I don't plan or cook in accordance with what the dsc likes. I cook once, what I want to cook and if dp and dsc don't like it then dp sorts it for himself and or dsc.
It's bizarre to think that anyone should think about children they don't have in everything they do. If you are dog free should you buy dog food or if you are cat free should you buy a litter tray???
We women get mistaken for being mums all the time so the next time I'm with my niece and someone mistakes me for being her her mum should I say yes I am even though I'm really not? I mean my niece isn't my child and I don't consider her in everything I do so why should I allow people to think I'm her mum???

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 19/02/2021 19:29

I have no idea why the whole bloody thread got copied...
Let me try this again...

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 19/02/2021 19:30

MotherExtraordinaire

ladybee28

I am absolutely childfree.

But you're not child free. The child has to be considered in everything from meal planning, to when and where you're both as partners able to go on holiday. Basically, you've got all of the baggage of a child, but none of the perks!
Equally, I find it so sad that you think it's appropriate to correct others in front of the sc. How sad, that you in effect, see yourself as merely transient and not a permanent part of your ohs and his child's lives.

But you are child free if you have no children so why do you need to consider your none existent children in anything never mind everything you do?
I now have a child of my own who I consider in everything I do but even now I have a child of my own I still don't consider the dsc in everything.
I've taken to doing most of the cooking recently and discovered that I'm actually quite good at it and sometimes, just sometimes, the wine even makes it to the pan but I don't plan or cook in accordance with what the dsc likes. I cook once, what I want to cook and if dp and dsc don't like it then dp sorts it for himself and or dsc.
It's bizarre to think that anyone should think about children they don't have in everything they do. If you are dog free should you buy dog food or if you are cat free should you buy a litter tray???
We women get mistaken for being mums all the time so the next time I'm with my niece and someone mistakes me for being her her mum should I say yes I am even though I'm really not? I mean my niece isn't my child and I don't consider her in everything I do so why should I allow people to think I'm her mum???

ladybee28 · 19/02/2021 19:47

But you're not child free. The child has to be considered in everything from meal planning, to when and where you're both as partners able to go on holiday. Basically, you've got all of the baggage of a child, but none of the perks! Equally, I find it so sad that you think it's appropriate to correct others in front of the sc. How sad, that you in effect, see yourself as merely transient and not a permanent part of your ohs and his child's lives.

@MotherExtraordinaire with the greatest of respect, where exactly did you get the spycam where you saw into my day to day life?

In fact, let's play a game: you tell me who in my house does the meal planning? SURPRISE, I don't live with my DP, so HE plans for his child's meals. And we go on holiday whenever we want, because we have a good relationship with DSS's mother and we give-and-take according to what fits all our needs.

And DSS and I sat down together and agreed how we wanted our relationship to be defined when he was 10. We talked about what mothers and fathers were, and what 'step-parent' meant, and what WE wanted to be to one another. We talked about what he wanted me to be involved in, and what felt more like what a parent should do, and we decided on some rules and secret agreements that only he and I have.

We carefully and intentionally co-created our relationship, which is something the vast majority of kids don't get to do with the adult figures in their lives.

So yes, I do correct people who call me his step-mother, and he does the same, honouring the agreement he and I made together, as our own unit. I have a wonderful relationship with that kid, full of perks, and I've never had to wipe his arse, deal with discipline, or manage school drama.

So I'm sorry to tell you, @MotherExtraordinaire (what a username, by the way ), that your crystal ball is broken.

And so is your high horse.

But that's probably no bad thing - you look really ugly up there.

ihavenowords30 · 19/02/2021 23:05

Before I had my son I had SKs for 4 years and was 100% child free in my eyes, I did only want to chose too and nothing was expected of me from my partner other than kindness

Magda72 · 20/02/2021 11:34

@ladybee28 - perfect response! 😊