Struggling with step daughter and complaints

[Tuesday588]

Dsd is 9 and has been coming over every weekend during lockdown. From what I can see she generally has a nice time here and plays nicely with her step siblings. When she goes home her mum often phones up dp with a list of complaints/lies from her time with us that are generally aimed towards me. Examples include me supposedly watching her while she sleeps and me deliberately leaving her out by giving my dd more sweets than her. None of this is true but it has got to the stage where I dread the weekends and her coming over as I don’t know what I am going to be accused of next.
Dp usually speaks to her about what she’s saying and tells her it’s not acceptable and if she has any issues while she’s at ours to speak to him about it but the situation improves for a bit and then the lies start again. The last time she came over she was poorly when she went home and her mum has since blamed me for supposedly deliberately making her ill with my cooking.

I really don’t know where we go from this. I’m not happy for me to be put in a situation where I can be accused of something which isn’t true as her mum believes everything she says. Does anyone else have experience of anything similar and can make any suggestions of how to handle it? I appreciate 9 can be a difficult age so was hoping that it might be something she will outgrow but in the meantime I don’t want to be dreading her visits

Don't do any cooking for her or any "parenting" let your OH that. That way there can't be any complaints about those things. Hopefully her mum will realise she doesnt tell the truth about everything eventually? I'm sorry that's not much help, I'm interested to see what other suggestions people come up with as we get a milder version of this sometimes.

When your husband spoke to her, did she say she told her mother these things or was it clear it was either been small comments blown up or completely made up by the mum?

You DH needs to stop passing these stupid complaints on to you. And ideally tell his ex to stop being unreasonable.

Does DSD get any/enough 1:1 time with her dad?

I'd bet serious money that the mum hates you and the DD is telling her these things for the reaction/praise.

DH should just say, "um hum" and then end the call. I would feed this as little as possible.

@NewScone sorry that you're going through similar. Dsd's mum has already demanded that dp do the cooking so I'm a bit loathed to suggest that as I don't want it to look like she can call the shots on what happens at ours

DSD is saying these things to get attention/rewards from her mum.

This says much more about her mum’s parenting than your own.

@MeridianB dsd will never say anything against her mum but equally she doesn't like taking responsibility for her actions so whenever dp questions her about it all she generally just closes off.
She does get 1 on 1 time with dp. He was taking her out for dinner after school every week but it's been a bit more difficult over lockdown with restaurants being closed etc and she lives over an hour away.

In that case, you really don’t need to hear anything from DP about what his ex says or thinks.

Does he do his fair share around the house when his DD is there?

She's definitely saying things to get a reaction from her mum. I imagine that her mum questions her about everything that happens as soon as she get home and she gets a reaction when anything negative is said. But if dp ever suggests dsd isn't being truthful with her complaints her mum goes ballistic and says "are you calling dsd a liar?" So we get nowhere. I also think dsd's mum enjoys the drama of causing problems so actively encourages dsd to say anything negative

I don't think you can do much more about your step daughters behaviour, the only thing you could do is modify your response so hopefully it doesn't get the desired effect.

When her DM makes contact to report the issues respond with something along the lines of "that's not how we recall the events, I think she may be seeking attention/approval from you", no further discussion.

No need to engage any further (unless you thought there was a genuine problem or cause for concern)

Next time she phones, let her say her piece, then reply - ‘thanks for that, see you next week’ and end the conversation. The ex is just trying to make trouble. And shes also trying to control what happens in your house. She has no right to do this. She’s most likely giving the poor child the 3rd degree as soon as she returns from your house, which is never a good thing to do, so your DSD is most likely making things up just to shut her mum up. I wouldn’t question your DSD about these ‘lies’ when she comes to you. You know what’s the truth, she knows what’s the truth. She’s being questioned enough.

[quote Tuesday588]@NewScone sorry that you're going through similar. Dsd's mum has already demanded that dp do the cooking so I'm a bit loathed to suggest that as I don't want it to look like she can call the shots on what happens at ours [/quote]
WOAH! Yeah I can see why you wouldn't want to look like she can call the shots.

I agree with others I think DP needs to shield you from this and not tell you. What happens at yours is up to him.

I like PP approach. If both of them know it’s not working, it will escalate a bit, then stop.

Oh gosh I am literally going through the same thing!! My SDD is almost 8 and as soon as DP turns into her street to return to mums she turns on the water works, cries as she hasnt liked what we cooked for tea, says my DC have been mean to her. It has really ground me down the last few months to the point where both me and even her own Dad dread her visits and get very anxious.
It has affected my mental health actually and I asked DP to write his ex a firm message a few weeks ago to ask her to not interrogate him about what happens in our house and that basically it's none of her business.

Would it help if DP moved contact to email? This helped us a bit as when he could see the points written down he could see how untrue they were and just started saying "thanks for letting us know" and stuff.

All children lie.
Tonight one if mine subtly let slip to me his sister had done something she shouldn't have, but when I asked for details "forgot". This resolved his objection to grassing her up (because he didn't, but he alerted me there was something going on) and his objection to his sister getting one over on him.
I'm not name calling him. Liar isn't an intrinsic part of who he is, it's tool he occasionally uses. He also occasionally practices his instrument but if I went round referring to my pre-grade 1 child as a cellist I'd be off my rocker!
DH need to prevent ex from inflaming this situation. If I say a child lied, I'm not calling them a liar, you may choose to infer that though.
He needs to tell ex that he will parent as he sees fit.
Why is watching her sleep bad? How would she know?
He needs to tell his DD that as mum has no authority in this house, she can bring any issues to you or him.

From Dsds perspective it would be good if she can see you resolve a problem in her favour. If she and yours have a squabble and yours is at fault, if you resolve it rather than DH, she will see that you are fair and not playing favourites. That does rely on you child judging something wrong though!

I had years of this although most of it was directed at my DP.

The kid is getting rewarded for making up lies.

I think all you can both do is change your reaction and "siding" with Mum.

My dp used to pander to it and his adult children with children of their own still feel they have to report back to their Mum despite them knowing what she's like. So damaging for them, but not of your doing.

Says more about the my than you or the child, she'll be grilling her and then rewarding her for 'bad' info. Reassure the child and also explain to her how confusing it is that when she goes bk to her mums she tells her bad things as everything seems fine when you're all together. If the mum carries on calling like this, stop answering her calls and move to email, if that carries on block her email. It's no way to parent a child, mum need to respect your boundaries. I feel your pain, been where you are.

She may be lying to please her mother. Lying about you being nasty gives a great bonding opportunity for her to be cuddled and comforted by mum and it makes mum feel good too. She could be picking up on mum not being happy about her going to dad's and this is going to be exacerbated by lockdown. I wonder if pick ups and returns to/from school would make it easier as there would be a gap when she's not picking up on mum's unhappiness? I think your husband has to go on telling her off for lying and impose consequences for it, I also think you should step back and let DH do all the catering and supervision. It would probably help if DH took her out the house for most of the time,lockdown permitting. From DSD's point of view you are disposable in a way her mum and it would seem DH are not,so it's always going to be targeted at you. Marriages with stepchildren have a really high failure rate and it is due to problems with stepchildren.

Thanks all. This has been really useful.
I think the suggestion of moving contact to email is a way forward. Dsd's mum is constantly calling / texting dp sometimes about stuff to do with dsd but quite often about random things and will often call him in the middle of the day when he's at work - there seem to be no boundaries in place. She's quite volatile so if she's in a bad mood she will phone him and take it out on him and that's sometimes when she makes the accusations about the our house. She also regularly changes the contact agreement so I think there's an element that dp feels like he has to be at her beck and call but really there should be no reason for her to be calling him as much as she does.

Regardless of whether this is coming from the kid or the mum, you and DP need to come up with a strategy to nip it in the bud. If DP is not prepared to stand up and take his place at your side with this, it’s going to continue to be an issue. You both need to be neutral and completely unaffected by whatever the mother reports, and refuse to concede to her demands. It is entirely possible that none of this is coming from the DSD and all of it is from the mum. DSD may be covering for HER lies.

@Festivalgirl83 sorry that you're going through similar but I totally get where you're coming from about it affecting your mental health. I feel exactly the same, it's really starting to take its toll on my mental well being. I feel bad that I can't shake off the anxiety when dsd is coming over to visit as she's only a child after all and I should be able to take a step back as an adult. Hope your situation improves for you soon

This is my now 15 YO SD - it’s been going on for years and has all come to a head recently.

Mum is very high conflict and of the 18 signs of parental alienation, displays / does 16 of the signs.

Kids won’t take anything home (including Christmas presents & birthday presents) as it upsets mum.

My OH has just discovered (through checking daughters phone) texts saying how unhappy she is here (yet when she’s here she has a whale of a time and there’s never any problems or complaints).

Apparently (according to mum) daughter has told her I won’t allow her in the house alone with me (a load of rubbish).

Dad stole her birthday money (complete lies).

Mum believes everything the daughter says and a vitriolic rant ensues.

All communication is done via email (this is court ordered as mum is quite abusive). My OH grey rocks her (she loves the drama and you don’t want to fuel her power).

SD is saying / doing these things to get attention from her mum. I’m not sure we have the solution ourselves but my advice would be to model good behaviour yourselves.

As another poster says - this behaviour says more about the mum’s parenting than your own. It’s so sad when kids are so desperate to please they turn to lies.

OP , you might suggest that your partner not share with you the communication that goes on between him and his child's mother. It does not seem to be beneficial or productive and It is effecting your mental health.

Why is he sharing something over which neither of you have any control and something that is having a negative impact upon you?
When my cousin's ex calls spouting nonsense, he politely answers and then puts the phone down and walks away. He neither listens nor responds . Assumedly, she prattles until she realizes that he is no longer on the phone. When she has something serious or important to say, she prefaces the call with " listen this is important."
He then listens long enough to determine if the call is really important.

Your husband is over sharing. He need not tell you that she calls during the workday, as there is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by telling you those things. Once you have determined that someone is going to act in an irrational manner, why continue to be surprised or annoyed that it happens? It is always surprising when you declare someone to be irrational and yet then seem to be off put by their irrational behavior.

You are giving far too much thought to the woman's actions. Your husband should put the phone down and go about his business. Let him prepare the meals for his child. That is such a simple fix to a non problem.

He no longer gets agitated by her calls and she has not yet become so frustrated that she stops calling.

Your OH could either ask for contact by email or maybe a set time for phone calls might help? And anything urgent outside this time messaging with each party acknowledging receipt?

But yeah, he needs to shield you from this so you are only told anything you need to know. Eg. Turns out SD is allergic to nuts or something.

@Tuesday588

She's definitely saying things to get a reaction from her mum. I imagine that her mum questions her about everything that happens as soon as she get home and she gets a reaction when anything negative is said. But if dp ever suggests dsd isn't being truthful with her complaints her mum goes ballistic and says "are you calling dsd a liar?" So we get nowhere. I also think dsd's mum enjoys the drama of causing problems so actively encourages dsd to say anything negative

And the answer there is 'yes, I am, because she is lying'