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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What would you do?

17 replies

Pixieb34 · 17/02/2021 19:58

Live with my partner (been together 3 yrs). I have two DS, 17 & 14yrs, he has DS16 (lives with us) and DD5 who is with us 3 days per week.
I have issues with DSD behaviour and how she speaks to people. Tonight she told me to ‘shut up’ because I was speaking to her dad when she wanted to and followed it up with ‘well why is she even talking like that?!’
This isn’t an isolated incident just for context and has been getting worse for a while. She speaks to her brother in the same way, but not her father.
I’m aware she is young and needs to learn, but I can say most definitely that my sons knew not to speak to anyone that way. They were far from angels but if they were out of line then I made sure they knew. But tonight (and other times) I feel my partner is not quite making the point that needs to be made about how rude and disrespectful some behaviour is (although he did tell her to say sorry but I’m not sure she knew why?!)
What would you do in regards to addressing this? I have always left dealing with behaviour (unless extreme) to their dad but I’m concerned that over time that I will just feel undermined and disrespected in my own home :(

OP posts:

MeridianB · 17/02/2021 20:50

What does your DP do when you correct her behaviour?

Original poster

Pixieb34 · 17/02/2021 21:20

@MeridianB

What does your DP do when you correct her behaviour?

He doesn’t really do anything. I’d like him to back me up tbh.

OP posts:

Pippa234 · 17/02/2021 22:08

Wow he needs to nip that in the bud before it gets worse.
I do think it's unusual for a 5 year old to speak to an adult like that.

SandyY2K · 17/02/2021 23:50

Do you not tell her it's rude to tell you to shut up.. and the correct way is to say "Excuse me" if she has something to say?

If children aren't taught and corrected, they will never learn.

If she's rude to her brother, you should deal with it. Not in a way that scares her...just... it's not nice to speak like that...could you say X if you want something

I'm sure she doesn't tell her teacher to shut up.

justilou1 · 18/02/2021 00:06

She's five. I'd put her in her place on the spot. You're an adult and you live in that house. If he doesn't back you up, you have a massive DP problem and he needs to be dealt with too.

Original poster

Pixieb34 · 18/02/2021 08:03

Thanks for your replies, makes me feel better that it’s not me being overly critical of the behaviour!
I have told her before now, several times unfortunately.
She recently went into my bedroom and took my comb without asking and after searching for it I found it in her room. I was not happy as she’d been told before about going into all of our rooms (teenage boys!) and taking things. My DP didn’t say a word when I told her off about it, and he was in the room at the time, which I was furious about!
It just isn’t improving. I think her mum has few boundaries and she’s allowed to behave in these ways when with her. Very difficult to undo....and I’m worried it’ll carry on 😣

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 18/02/2021 09:03

What I'd personally do is make it very clear to DP that I'm not going to tolerate that type of behaviour and he needs to make it very clearly to his daughter that when she's at your home she's respectful of everyone there, not just him (as you say she also speaks to brother like this). He needs to make it clear what the consequences are of not doing this, eg does she lose a certain privilege one day, or go to bed early if she does it, etc.

I think it's also worth him talking to her about you in general outside of the incidents when they happen - how does she feel about you; does she like/dislike you; why? etc. I had a similar situation (not to the extreme of being told to shut up, but lots of scowls and refusing to engage with me when I spoke to her etc) when I first met partner's daughter (she was also 5 when we met). He spoke to her more generally about what was going on, did she like / not like me and why etc. Turned out some of the behaviour was related to how her mother spoke about me (incidentally the exW had no reason to dislike me, they were split up long before we met etc). So the way their mum talks about you could also impact on their behaviour around you (not saying it's definitely happening in your case and you don't mention the relationship with their mum, but worth keeping in mind).

Good luck with it.

Amanda87 · 18/02/2021 09:22

My husband has always given me authority with his kids. That is to say whenever they're rude and disrespectful I discipline them. It all comes down to being on the same page. I agree that if you don't do anything, the situation will only get worse and worse, so I strongly encourage you to try and fix this problem up ASAP.

LouJ85 · 18/02/2021 09:34

@Amanda87

Mine did too, but I deliberately chose not to put myself in this role. Not all SMs feel comfortable stepping into discipline mode for kids who aren't theirs and I think this is totally acceptable too. So long as you have a partner who does it without fail, which thankfully I do. I can see how it would be harder without this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2021 09:38

What would he do if she told a grandparent or teacher to shut up? I’d be livid of my DSC spoke to me like that and one was 5 when we got together.

He’s failing her and you by not dealing with this firmly. You need a calm but serious chat with him about his approach and tell him how unacceptable you think it is at the moment.

combatbarbie · 18/02/2021 09:44

Well you certainly have a DP problem to begin with.....

LatentPhase · 18/02/2021 09:46

This needs nipping in the bud because I can guarantee aged 14 this will be a world of pain and segregation which will jeapordize your setup/relationship and any sense of occupying an emotionally comfy place in your home.

If this can’t be sorted now I would be considering how viable a long term future is.

Respect in your own home from someone else’s child is non negotiable, in my view. It’s a basic.

Wishitsnows · 18/02/2021 09:49

You seem to have a dp problem. Interesting you say you think the issue is the mother having no boundaries at home but don't notice that neither does your dp. There seems to be a lower bar for parenting for men.

aSofaNearYou · 18/02/2021 09:55

He is letting you both down by not backing him up. You need to tell him that you aren't going to tolerate being spoken to like that (nobody should), but she has already singled you out and seems to harbour some kind of resentment towards you, and if he leaves you to sort out all these disputes it will get worse. She will view you as bad cop, which is the last thing he wants if he wants the blending to work. He needs to be on hand to keep the discipline balanced or it is going to cause no end of issues for ALL of you, including him.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 18/02/2021 11:09

I was going to say the same as @Wishitsnows - it's all very well saying mum has few boundaries but that's irrelevant if dad isn't even trying either. It's not like he's disciplining DSD and mum's undermining it which would be a different issue.

Once you recognise this situation for what it really is i.e. that you truly have a DP problem then you might find it easier to assert your own boundaries as to what you will or won't accept.

Original poster

Pixieb34 · 18/02/2021 11:47

Thank you, I really appreciate all of your responses.
I am able to discipline my SC and my partner is fine with that, but I don’t want to stand alone doing it or, as has been said, I’ll end up being bad cop! And you’re right, this is another discussion to be had.

I am worried that he is not stepping up as I think he should in tackling this. I certainly don’t have a lower parenting bar for fathers and I’ve stated to him that it is his responsibility to teach manners and respect (even if that contradicts her mother). He thinks he is dealing with it but I think, like a lot of fathers, that he’s worried she will vote with her feet and that her mum will always back her up, even if she’s wrong, so he’s a bit wishy washy! But that’s no excuse not to deal with the behaviour effectively. He’s nowhere near as direct and strict with his daughter as he is with his son, which is annoying to watch tbh!

I’m aware this situation is likely to just get worse if it’s not dealt with now and I will not tolerate being disrespected like I was last night, and if I’m honest treated dismissively at times. Things need to change now if we’re going to make it work in the long term. Whole thing makes me a bit sad really.

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 18/02/2021 12:45

I didn’t take any shit from DSD when she was five and still don’t now. If her mum is happy to allow her daughter to be rude to her (and turns out she isn’t now that DSD is 9 and past the “oh but she’s so young and cute” stage) then that was her decision. My decision was whether I would accept it for myself, and I didn’t, don’t and won’t.
I told DH as much as the time.
Just a bit of firm puting her in her place on the spot as PPs have said. Random punishments after the fact are pointless.
You want something from me? Say please.
You want to speak? Nobody will listen unless you wait until the person already speaking has finished.
You want to be rude? I don’t want to be around you until you apologise so no you don’t now get to pick what we are having for dinner/watching on tv/ doing this afternoon.
DSD soon learned that life is nicer and more fun when you are polite and kind.
Her behaviour at her mums is apparently shocking. But she was willing to accept it for years so of course it’s harder to undo now 🤷‍♀️
Get in early and sort this out for all the kids sakes. You don’t have to accept anything.

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