Sibling Bullying

[Wabbabalooba]

I wrote out a massive story about our situation and pressed post it it's disappeared without posting...

So I'm going to ask a short question, and I'll fill in any background as / when needed instead if that's okay? (Not dripfeeding, but there is a massive backstory)

Long story short, my partner and I are breaking up. We have 2 kids together (5 and 3) and he has an older daughter from a previous relationship (who is now 10) Our kids love their older sister and seeing her, but sadly it is not reciprocated. I would go as far as saying she actually bullies them when she's here - to the point that we have to usually keep them apart on the weekends she's with us (for eg. I'd take them out the Saturday, and he'll take her out the Sunday) so they see each other a couple hours in the morning and a couple hours at night. Any longer it descends in to chaos, and sometimes she gets physically violent with them. She has no underlying issues.

Now there is a backstory, and I don't really blame "SD" for not having a relationship with my kids - her high conflict mother has made it very difficult, and a now ex-partner who sits on things too long before trying to instill boundaries is the reason why. And to be honest the whole thing is about 80% of the reason why were breaking up. I'm tired of me and my kids being treated like crap / having to either leave our home or walk on eggshells every second weekend.

Has anybody had to deal with anything similar? They want to see her, but honestly I don't think she'd give a toss either way if she never saw them again. She doesn't like them, and there isn't really a relationship to salvage even though she's known them since birth. She says openly he doesn't like them or love them (a phrase my 3 year old is now copying when I correct him for something these days) But I don't want to say he can't have our joint kids when he has her either because I know how that plays out... usually with one of my kids in tears because they've been shouted at in the face or slapped in the face.

Any advice welcome! I have no idea what to do. His plan seems to be see our kids on the alternate weekends he has her which is a shit show waiting to happen!

She won’t talk to you? And your STBXH did/does nothing about that.

It’s clear you have tried your best and you don’t have a downer on this child generally.

Does her dad parent her properly in other ways? Bedtime, hygiene etc?

@MeridianB I would say he did when he had to do that, but that hasn't even been an option for him for the past couple years on the current schedule. I really feel like I did do my best!

@Fastestbrownie I know that. I've been on the step-parent side of this for years. I realise the importance of the relationship, I just don't think it benefits any of them right now. I've fought with him, for them to have a better one but it's never been allowed, and now the dynamic is changing again ultimately because of it. He has agreed up to now he can't handle it hence why we've came to the arrangement we currently have where we work together to keep them separate.