Struggling!

[Annalmcg17]

Hello,
I’ve only just registered on here and decided to post because I think I probably need some reassurance!

I moved in with my boyfriend just before the second lockdown and he has a daughter (11) and son (9) who are here 50% of the time. I know that we are not currently in normal times and being locked in a house together for weeks on end won’t be the case in the years to come but my goodness it’s hard! I do not have my own children so this is completely new.

Anyone looking in from the outside would think everything is fine - I get on with his children, they like me and they seek me out to play games or watch shows with them. I was also a primary school teacher for 10 years until quite recently so I’m doing a lot of home schooling support.

However, they are (as are most children) only concerned with their own needs and so are very demanding. And boy are they loud! And messy. And inconsiderate. And the son in particular can lose his temper very quickly and have the most enormous tantrums which ruin nice times we’re having. I walk other people’s dogs and, whenever they all come with me, he ends up shouting at the dogs and calling them stupid and storming off. That really bothers me! His dad is very calm and patient and let’s him calm down but I feel that he’s then so relieved when the anger has passed that he doesn’t make it clear when behaviour has been unacceptable. I think that the son is pandered to and there are never any consequences for his behaviour. It’s affecting how much I like him
and there’s no way to get a break from it at the moment! I think I’m also worried that my feelings about this will affect my feelings for my boyfriends in case I start to feel so much dread about the children coming over that it tarnishes the relationship. I don’t really know what to do next.

I think I’ve just had enough of it and, more than anything else, needed to vent! My boyfriend knows how I feel and is very understanding. He’s good at making sure I have time to myself when I want it and he knows that I feel glad of the break when they’re gone but I’m nervous about saying too much as I don’t want to damage our relationship.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Thanks!

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. How long had you known the kids before you moved in? How old are you? How long have you and DP been together?

Sorry to hear that you’re struggling OP.
The timing of second lockdown combined with moving in together and the everyday challenges that can come with being around other peoples children will be tough.

It’s ok to feel that you need a break and it’s ok to feel that you need to vent!

As someone who has been in your shoes I think it’s important you have a very honest relationship with your boyfriend about how you feel and what you struggle with when it comes to the children’s behaviour. Don’t make the mistake I did - I said nothing and it really didn’t help matters further down the road.
A good starting point could be the example you give with walking the dogs. Maybe when they are there, just tell your boyfriend that you don’t wish for the children to come along due to past experience unless he will deal with any bad behaviour accordingly.

Don’t worry about this tarnishing the relationship - this is your home too now and you are entitled to feelings / an opinion.
Is your boyfriend ever guilty of “Disney parenting”?

I think that the lockdown makes all of this a lot worse as everyone is stuck inside; you can’t just go and see friends to escape a bit and the kids are most likely stir crazy and bored through not having school or being able to see their friends. I think it’s also worth considering that it’s an adjustment for the kids to get used to you and their dad living together at at time when there’s a lot of uncertainty. In short I guess I’m trying to say that it’s not easy for the kids either.
In respect of your stepson At age 9 I’d be focusing more on teaching a child to be able to manage their emotions rather than saying it’s not acceptable; I agree that aggressive behaviour isn’t acceptable but if he’s only taught not to express his anger then what does he do with those emotions? His dad needs to take the lead on that one though really.
In terms of them being demanding, messy, loud and self centred as you say that’s what children are like and I feel the same about how my DSD is. It drives me crazy at times as much as I also love her; I’ve now got my own DC too and for me it’s shown that it feels different with your own children which explains why it’s never bothered my DH as much as it does me. I talk to DH when things are starting to get to me and we agree how to address things and if it’s getting a bit much I find ways to have time to myself. I think (and hope) that once the kids are back at school and everyone is able to do a bit more then it’ll feel easier.

Going against the grain, I think it would be unwise to put this down to lockdown too much.

What you're describing was a reality for step parents before lockdown and I think you're just discovering how crap it is, basically. Spending 50% of the time with children that are difficult, badly behaved and bad tempered is a really tough and unrewarding way to live. Dreading 50% of your life is not a good way to be. Yes outside of lockdown you can go and visit friends etc but that's all it is - escaping. Unless you have a very busy life you will still be dealing with this a lot if he has them 50/50.

You could ask your partner if this is the norm or if their behaviour has been drastically affected by lockdown, but I would consider this a strong warning sign to get out of this situation while you still can.

If he shouts at the dogs, then he shouldn't come on the walks anymore.

You may also want to consider if this is the relationship for you because of the kids. They aren't going anywhere. They have the potential to get more challenging as they get older and it could end up being that they want to live with their dad full time.

Sometimes, you can like/love the person you're in a relationship with, but they come with too much baggage that has a negative effect on you....then in turn the relationship.

i couldn't date someone that impatient with the dogs. they are just being dogs. and the storming off is like a toddler having a temper tantrum. very unattractive. and makes you wonder how he is when he's extremely annoyed. and add onto that inconsiderate children, it would be too much for me. i dealt with that with my ex's kids and it caused many issues as he had a lack of boundaries and serious disney dad issues. plus i didn't like how he treated his own large dogs (he was sweet with the small one).