Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

re step son

28 replies

oud52 · 13/02/2021 19:13

I am really struggling with my husbands relationship with his son, I want to be a part of his sons life, but every time I do something nice it is just ignored. Even though the step son is 39 my husband calls him every week without fail. They never mention me or his 3 step sisters. I would like us to be a closer family and welcome his son. But the son seems to resent me and only want a relationship with his father. They have not lived together since the child was 2. I was not the cause of the parents break up, mum asked the father to leave, I met my husband a few years later but was in the sons life from age of 3. I actually resent it when mu husband is on the phone to him as I just see it as one sided. When I send gifts in the post to the son and his family I never get thanked. I have never received a birthday card or present from the son and nor does he for his father. But expects gifts and cards from us. I am sure I am just feeling over hormonal, I don't want to feel like this as husband is a good and loving man. I want to feel nothing but happiness that he has a relationship with his son but would prefer if I had some involvement and could be part of it.

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/02/2021 19:25

Jealousy is toxic it’ll eat you up. Step back let the dad & son relationship be what it is
You can’t and shouldn’t intervene. It’s about them. This isn’t your thing.
However it’s not your role to buy cards & presents. You’re husband is more than able he’s simply chosing not to,knowing you’ll step up

You’re setting up a scenario that’ll never be enacted, you, the son and your husband all happily jollying along. Let that go, it’ll not happen

Aimee1987 · 13/02/2021 19:36

Like @HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee said. Step back and leave them to it. When hes on the phone to SS just go find something else to do for half an hour. Stop buying presents and leave DH to it.

Original poster
oud52 · 13/02/2021 19:41

good advice, just leave it to be, be grateful what I have. I only buy the gifts and cards as I do it for his mum and sister, I don't mind as feel husband is a good guy. I think I over think things in lockdown once I can be out with my friends I won't home in on so much, thanks for your kind and helpful advice xx

OP posts:
MeridianB · 13/02/2021 19:41

So you’ve been his step mum for 33 years but he’s never sent you a birthday card or acknowledge those you’ve sent him?

highheelslipgloss52 · 13/02/2021 19:43

never ever sent me a birthday card or christmas card, ever or a present. He will thank his father on the phone for any gift but that's it

MeridianB · 13/02/2021 19:44

But presumably you helped raise him if you’ve been his step mum since he was three? Or did your DH not see him very much?

highheelslipgloss52 · 13/02/2021 19:48

yes we raised him together as he was with us every weekend, we moved a few hours away when he was 10 for husbands job then didn't see him as regularly as we wanted.

highheelslipgloss52 · 13/02/2021 19:49

I think I am just going to turn it on its head and not think negatively and just accept this as needs of the son for his father. Not chase a relationship that isn't there. Must always remember to be kind.

AIMD · 13/02/2021 19:50

I think if the relationship hasn’t developed naturally over the last 30 odd years then it’s not going to now. I’d try to work on accepting that rather than hoping it’ll change and focus on your other relationships.

Also though....stop sending cards/presents! If your husband wants to send something he can, but I wouldn’t be taking time sending cards/presents for people who don’t acknowledge them or does any concern at all for me.

highheelslipgloss52 · 13/02/2021 19:52

@AIMD thanks so much, you are so right. I just needed someone else to tell me.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/02/2021 20:18

You’ve reached out,and the son has made his preference clear
Do stop buying thoughtful presents and let your dh take Responsibility
Don’t knock yourself out for someone who doesn’t want you.

highheelslipgloss52 · 13/02/2021 20:21

@heelshandbagperfumecoffee as my oldest daughter says you can't get everyone to like you

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/02/2021 20:23

Yup, and you don’t need to habitually keep trying. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen

BungleandGeorge · 13/02/2021 20:23

I’m confused about the timing. Father moved out when son was 2, you met the father a few years later but you’ve been in the sons life since he was 3. Were you a friend of his Mum or have I read that wrong?

SandyY2K · 13/02/2021 20:34

Name change fail OP.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/02/2021 20:47

@BungleandGeorge

I’m confused about the timing. Father moved out when son was 2, you met the father a few years later but you’ve been in the sons life since he was 3. Were you a friend of his Mum or have I read that wrong?
I wondered how that was the case too.

It’s good they have some form of relationship still, many children who have a parent move away end up going non contact due to the lack of involvement and contact.

He didn’t choose to have a step parent or siblings and as long as he is polite doesn’t have to form any relationship he doesn’t want.

highheelslipgloss52 · 13/02/2021 21:19

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss @BungleandGeNo no I didn't know the mother of child, i did know my husbands brother well though before forming a relationship. We both worked at same accountancy firm.

Sisterlove · 13/02/2021 21:38

I don't understand how you knowing your husband's brother through work, enabled you to be "in DSS life" since he was 3.

stillonthattightrope · 14/02/2021 07:48

I agree with others that if you don't have a relationship now, that isn't going to change.
Is he resentful that you both moved further away from him? He might be blaming you for that and has held on to that. It does seem to have had an effect on his relationship with his dad.

highheelslipgloss52 · 14/02/2021 08:19

@stillonthattightrope yeah I agree with what your saying, I think you get what you put in. I will just leave it as it is. My husband has uprooted the family a few times for his job, we just follow where he needs to be. I think they have a very strained relationship anyway, but will leave to them. I am very close with his mother and his family, I am very kind and supportive to anyone in the family who makes an effort with me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2021 09:00

Hard to imagine continuing to send cards and gifts to someone who left home 2 decades ago and has never said thank you. Female socialisation is a powerful force.

Stop now. If your husband want to send him stuff then I’m sure he will. You’re not his mother and it doesn’t sound as though you’re friends. It was never your job and it still isn’t now.

Accept the situation as it is, leave your husband to their chats, emotionally detach to save yourself further feelings of resentment. It’s so not worth it.

highheelslipgloss52 · 14/02/2021 09:04

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you so so much for your comment! I didn't want to be unkind it's not in my nature! I love your response! Thank you I'm listening big time! Have a lovely day

dontdisturbmenow · 14/02/2021 09:40

You have bonded in 33 years at times that would have been much more natural due to young age. Why do you think it will and should happen now?

He doesn't want anything to do with you for whatever reason. It is sad but not something that can be changed now, it's too late.

Stop sending cards and present from you or us, he doesn't care. Accept that he has a grown up son the sane toys accept him in his life if he was a friend you don't have much in common with.

highheelslipgloss52 · 14/02/2021 11:24

@dontdisturbmenow yes definitely, you can't continuously chase what isn't there. We are here if he needs us! Who knows what future holds.

Tiredoftattler · 14/02/2021 14:33

OP, it may be difficult to accept, but your SS response is based upon 33 years of experience on both your part and his part. It is possible that he did not experience your behavior in the way that you perceived it to be and it is equally possible that you may not have experienced his behavior in the way that he intended. This outcome is the result of 33 years of interactions.

After 33 years, little change is likely going to happen. Accept the fact that your husband has a right to a relationship with his son that does not involve you or your children. You on the other hand have a right to peace of mind.

In the furtherance of your peace of mind, step back, stop sending gifts, let your husband manage any gift giving. It is possible to take a page from your SS 's play book.

He does not seem to want to hurt you. He just seems to not want a relationship with you. Disengagement need not be vicious or hostile ; it can just be an acceptance of things as they are and stepping back.

Both you and your SS may be lovely people, you just may be lovely people who are not going to have a close or familial relationship. Your only connection is that you have a loved one in common.