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Issue - with my reasctions

20 replies

Nonose · 13/02/2021 12:37

On the whole, my SS's are well behaved. I don't have many issues with them being cheeky, they can be a little thoughtless but so can all teens (I have a teen daughter - 19) And I feel bad for posting because of that. But I acknowledge that I have a real issue with my younger SS. I've been married 2 years and we've been together 5. The younger boy (15) has been over-babied, which I noticed from day 1 and has never acted age appropriate since I've known him. In fact people always assume he is a year or 2 younger than he is due to the way he acts. As a back story, there were lots of issues with excessive contact from his mother which I would expect with a younger child, not one his age (which stopped about a year ago), over using xbox when here, not wanting to eat many meals and talking in a baby voice at times and he has fortunately come along from those in the last year but the main issues now are with eating, manners, and the fact that he never sits still. It's got the point where I DREAD them coming. I can't contain my irritation and last night I actually removed myself from the situation and went to bed at 7pm. Basically, he stuffs food into his mouth and keeps putting it in without swallowing and ends up with a huge chipmonk cheek. His brother joked that he keeps chewing for 10 minutes after his plate is empty. I just think it is the height of bad manners. Then he was shovelling rice from his fingers onto his fork. Again, not good table manners. He also is frequently sick and in my opinion, it's the amount of food he shovels into his mouth, which causes him to gag. I just can't stand it any more. He always spills, wipes his fingers on my cushions. And then for the rest of the night while we watch TV he moves around on a chair, constantly moving his toes, extending his legs, arms, draping himself all over and clicking his fingers. I just think if the older two (my older SS 17 and my daughter 19) my husband would think it was weird. There are other issues about him constantly asking for treats when he won't eat his meal but lets not go there. I try and sit away from him because I don't want to see but I can't help but be drawn to it and I honestly hate being in his company because of it. I've talked to my husband about it many times but basically, and he has said this he a.doesn't notice or b. doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't like to tell him off. Then he feels bad and tells me he's a failure and how sorry he is and I end up feeling bad. So I end up saying something to SS and then I'm the bad guy. I react so badly to it now because I'm so SO fed up. I have tried to talk to myself about it and tell my self it's 3 days ever other weekend just make it a pleasant time but it's been going on for 5 years. I basically don't want to be in the same room as him. This morning we made sausage sandwiches for breakfast and rather than have the sandwich he helped himself to a sausage and came and sat on my new fabric sofa with it in his hand, dripping oil. DH didn't notice and I said 'can you get a plate please?'. Queue grumpy fact - he got up went into the kitchen, stuffed the lot in his face and came back in immediately and sat down with his bulging cheek instead of just getting a plate. I don't have any problem with the older boy, who does not behave in this way. How can I stop myself feeling this way? I don't know if it's worse at the moment because I'm due on. Has anyone else been tipped over the edge by the little things? Or are the little things tipping me over the edge because of ALL the things we've gone through with him over the years? I'm so fed up.

OP posts:
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LatentPhase · 13/02/2021 12:58

It’s not you - it’s him. And by him, I mean your DH.

My DP also had an un-parented teen (turning 20 soon). I can’t really tolerate it longer than 24hrs. So I hear you.

I don’t know what you do about it. Particularly in lockdown when you can’t even go anywhere!

LatentPhase · 13/02/2021 12:59

That’s ‘has’ not had!

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 13/02/2021 13:42

You need a strong word with your husband - he’s not parenting his child and at the same time completely disrespecting you and your home.

aSofaNearYou · 13/02/2021 13:44

I have to say, this post really made me laugh. Some children are just intensely irritating OP, don't judge yourself for noticing.

I would put in a blanket rule about only eating at the table, and washing hands afterwards, to prevent the grubby hands on the sofas.

Other than that, I would just give yourself lots of space to do your own thing when he's there, it's not wrong to find him annoying.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 13/02/2021 13:47

Oh god I couldn’t cope with that at all!!

Nonose · 13/02/2021 14:13

Thanks for your comments. Good to know I'm not being unreasonable! I do agree that my DH is part of the problem. He's such a lovely person but he's no good with confrontation. I just think if these things had been nipped in the bud earlier, I wouldn't feel this way. I don't want to wish away the next 3 years but I really am. And I'm dreading just having younger SS here when the older one goes to uni in Sept.

Table - I agree. But the dining table has been commandeered since March last year for my husband's work space. But I might say, sorry for the hassle but it has to be a dining table at weekends when they come. The TV is a massive distraction for younger SS.

I'm going to have another talk to DH. The situation is not fair on either younger SS or me.

Thanks all!

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lightningstrikes · 13/02/2021 14:33

I'm so sorry to be THAT poster, but he sounds like one of mine who has sensory processing disorder. The constant shifting and movement, being too rough or clumsy, throwing themselves into a chair, over filling things (including his face) may be due to faulty sensory processing. Not getting a plate is bad manners. It is extremely annoying to live with. Its also annoying to have as you're constantly being told off and actually you can't help it. It may well be due to poor parenting but also it may be more than that ( or a combination). I also have to take myself away from the noise and mine continues to be reminded not to eat with his hands. Every meal. For 10 years. I do feel your pain.

MumandnotMum · 13/02/2021 14:37

I’m grateful to see this post!

My SS11 has just been absolutely painful as hell. DP had to go to work today so childcare has fallen to me. DM has made decision to have minimal involvement recently. If she can’t cope, what hope have I got!

Tiredoftattler · 13/02/2021 15:06

Sometimes when I find little things that the kids do to be massively annoying , I try a strategy that my mom did as I was growing up. She would say to the offending party " I want to talk to you about a few small things that you are doing that I find really annoying or troubling, but before I do that, I want to know if there are small things that I am doing that you find annoying or bothersome."

This approach can be humbling and it serves to remind me that on occasion my children can find many annoying things about me that they too need permission to express. It also opens the door for a dialogue with the child rather than a litany of complaints by me. Sometimes, I have discovered things about myself that need improvement as much as anything that the child needs to improve. Sometimes we have ended up agreeing on ways to help each other work on improving our annoying habits.

In just such a conversation , my daughter pointed out to me how annoying it is to have me constantly remind her to do a certain task. She pointed out that it would be better received if I said" please do x by Thursday " and then left it alone until Thursday. We have tried this and things now get done by the time line and she is spared having to listen to the pointless reminders and I am not frustrated by my need to micromanage her actions.

Sometimes we focus so much on the annoyances caused by the kids that we fall to consider the countless number of ways that we may be annoying to them.

HerRoyalNotness · 13/02/2021 15:13

@Tiredoftattler that is such a great tip I’m going to try that

I’d be worried about him choking shoving so much food in his mouth and I’ll be tackling that myself

dontdisturbmenow · 13/02/2021 17:01

I try and sit away from him because I don't want to see but I can't help but be drawn to it
Sorry but the irony of these words. You expect him to change engrained behaviour just like to suit you but you cannot stop yourself from looking at him.

I think you are making a bit if a drama of it all. You talk about the height of bad manners to stuff food in his mouth? I can think of much much worse.

Sounds like meeting somewhere in the middle is the way to go.

FiveToFour · 13/02/2021 17:12

The food,I think it would be reasonable for you to talk to him about it.
But never sitting still? My first reaction to that was ADD? Which can come with other issues.And I always wonder with a child who seems young for his age why that is,so I am with lightningstrikes, not in wondering about sensory processing specifically but in being one of those posters and wondering if something else is going on ( however much he may be driving you up the wall!)

Nonose · 13/02/2021 17:50

hmm. I have wondered about an issue like that - I'm not going to lie. Everything is very repetitive. I'm not used to it at all as my daughter was never like that. His grandmother said to me she watched him for signs of OCD.

I probably am making a drama out of it but to be honest, it's been going on for FIVE years. I get the irony in my comment - I cannot help but be drawn to him and notice. And in a way - I'm looking for it before it even happens. But I'm sorry, manners with regarding to eating - is a very important thing. Beginning of last year I went out with a group of friends from a legal office and there was this young, beautiful girl sat across from me. She had just bought a house on her own had no partner and I wondered why (and I'm not saying that this is the reason...but!!!...) The minute we got our food and she started eating - wow. She held her knife and fork incorrectly, slouched over her plate and shovelled food into her mouth. It was unpleasant to watch and I was quite shocked. So I'm sorry but manners at home are important because manners out are important. I know there are worse issues but these are the issues that bother me.

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Nonose · 13/02/2021 17:51

@MumandnotMum I feel your paint. Can only send hugs. Step parenting is hard. Especially as they get older I think.

OP posts:
Nonose · 13/02/2021 17:52

@Tiredoftattler I like that but I think I'd be too afraid to hear the comments back at this point! haha.

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MeridianB · 13/02/2021 18:02

I realise we all struggle with perspective on our own lives but seriously, what is wrong with these parents who think that any of these things can or should be ignored.

Whether it’s the child’s health, terrible manners or their ability to behave in a way which will help them be balanced, rounded people and equip them for later life, there are so many depressing examples of checked-out parents.

aSofaNearYou · 13/02/2021 18:08

@NoNose We used to watch my SS for signs of OCD, and he did end up with a diagnosis with ADHD OP. I wouldn't say it's definitely that, but it's something to be considered.

DinoHat · 13/02/2021 18:43

@lightningstrikes

I'm so sorry to be THAT poster, but he sounds like one of mine who has sensory processing disorder. The constant shifting and movement, being too rough or clumsy, throwing themselves into a chair, over filling things (including his face) may be due to faulty sensory processing. Not getting a plate is bad manners. It is extremely annoying to live with. Its also annoying to have as you're constantly being told off and actually you can't help it. It may well be due to poor parenting but also it may be more than that ( or a combination). I also have to take myself away from the noise and mine continues to be reminded not to eat with his hands. Every meal. For 10 years. I do feel your pain.
I thought the same. Are you sure there’s no extra needs there OP?
Missingthebridegene · 13/02/2021 21:45

Yes I would say you and DH need to be on the same page with house rules! He sounds like my SS who is 9! X

Iyiyi · 13/02/2021 22:50

My 14 year old is dyspraxic and has a mild tic disorder and when he comes down for dinner he always says thank you, how nice it looks etc - but he can barely use a knife and fork and often eats with his hands. He also overstuffs into his mouth and has food all over his face. He is aware that he struggles with it and sometimes goes and sits in another room to eat which makes me sad. His tics I know can be irritating to other people but unfortunately telling him that is not a magical cure that suddenly makes him stop and i find it very irritating when people assume that it will. I had a partner who was constantly telling me that I could discipline him out of it and to be honest it really put me off him.

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