Am I in la la land?

[VeebsQ82]

It's bloody hard
So on Wednesday it was my birthday. I am step parent to two children aged 12 and 10. I also have my own son who is 8.
So I'm probably going to be one of those people that's annoying. No major drama other than normal separation issues.. It's been around 6 years we have been a blended family so it's not new.

Other than the okayness, we seem to have these tricky times maybe few times a year. Kids mum is insecure. She's single, furloughed. They only thing she has right now are the kids.

I'm getting the impression that when the kids go home they get questioned which for me I accept. If probably be the same in her shoes. However, this week it has led to my worst birthday ever!

So in the morning the kids opened presents with me and then their dad took them home. No awareness of any issues. Kids were happy. Then at 5pm we suddenly get a text to say the 12 year old came home upset and doesn't want to come.....

We all look at eachother because we have no idea what's going on. Turns out 12 year old had told mum that he overhead 8 year old telling me that he'd hit him.... Again, bewilderment as this didn't happen. They did have a spat about bloody fortnite but if was a minor sibling spat. However, I did tell them all that they had to switch screens off. After that, nothing was said and the evening was a nice one.

I've tried texting 12 year old. No reply. They've blocked 8 year old on game and on just passing them in town I get a minor wave and mum pretty much bolting it...

I've felt so hurt. One, because they've made something up. Two because normally if they are annoyed they just tell me.

I'm not a shouter and I hate arguing.

What on earth is going on. Mum is really tricky. She's quite controlling and 12 year old is a complete mummies boy (as is my son).

I'm finding that the communication between her and my partner is hard. Everything tends to be on message rather than a call.... We can barely get any info from her at all.

Does anyone co-parent with complete success?
Am I living in la la land?
I'm wary because we are approaching teen years and I feel that things are taking a turn.

Can I do this? It's feeling hard
Am I over thinking this?
Is mum being narcissistic because it's starting to feel that way?
I've never tried to be their mum. I'm their Claire. I thought they trusted me and that I could trust them. I think what I'm learning is that either they are painting a completely different picture when they get home or mum is making it up.

Sounds like he's just starting to have teenage strops to me, I wouldn't burden yourself with it too much emotionally. How has your partner handled it?

He said we'll talk to them in Sunday. Meanwhile I'm over thinking and catastrophising it...

This happened to me! My SD lied to her BM all the time and BM didn’t tell us she was coming home upset about her time with us. It went on for years because her parents didn’t communicate very well. I sensed something was going on but my H wouldn’t listen or face up to it. She was 13 when it finally came to a head as she had her own phone by then, due to the way she acting H actually checked her phone and the lies we uncovered were amazing. Things that never happened, things we had done or said that were lies. Our relationship with BM had now broken down so badly it’s never recovered. She lied because it got her attention at home. Her BM would give her the attention she wanted when she made up stuff about us. Slagging us off made mum happy.Sad but true. My H was so gutted. This happened during the years BM had met someone and on the weekends SD was with us BM would be out with her new man. SD would sulk and eventually she cancelled her days with us. BM thought we were cancelling on her. SD had lied to everyone but her parents never bothered to check as they couldn’t stand talking to each other. SD is 19 now and we love her very much but neither of us trust her, it was such a horrible time.

I think this is what's happening with us.
They are painting a completely different picture at mum's house. And she will believe it all because she doesn't like her ex. She ended the marriage but her issues project into the kids.

I'm really hurt because I go out of my way to make them feel at home. I always have. Now, I feel like it's all for nothing

These stories are a “gift” to their mother - a bit like a cat bringing a gift of a dead mouse! It is a such a shame - people believe what they want to believe - people hear what they want to hear. At the same time there is a long tradition of children not being listened to.

No easy answers here!

This happened to us. I have two children and DH has two children, slightly younger. One day, they'd been for tea and SD (7 at the time) pooped in her pants. We didn't have time to bath her and feed her as if we didn't get them home on time, BM used to go mental so we cleaned her up with wipes, changed her clothes, gave them tea and took them home. Messaged BM to explain what had happened and that she'd need a bath.
Next thing we hear, social worker rings DH sayings his DD has told BM that he'd smacked her. He didn't. I was there the whole time. BM then takes her to the doctor (!) who examines SD and says there are no marks but she has to report as child abuse. SD also tells a teacher that her dad has hit her. So we end up with social workers round (she was horrible and very biased to BM) and then police came round!!! They were really nice and actually a bit apologetic.
BM totally manipulated the whole situation knowing that doctors and teachers had a duty of care and would raise it with social workers.
Long story short, we haven't seen those children in 4 years. BM and DH appear to have had a toxic relationship forever. She had an affair and chucked him out then remarried so it's not because he left her or anything like that.
My advice? Tread very very carefully. To this day I don't know if SD lied or BM convinced SD to lie. It's just a really sad situation because they both used to have a lovely time when they came to see us. We did all sorts with them. I think that pissed BM off. She didn't like them having a nice time with us. She used to ring 10 or 20 times in the space of 3 hours some nights.....

Gosh, how awful. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

I find that things go better when mum is working and got something in her life. At the moment there is nothing but the kids.

I am going to tread carefully. But, we are also going to talk to the kids. I don't mind if they tell mum the truth so if the kids have fallen out or we've all fallen out but they can't lie. It's not fair.
I feel sorry for my partner because he's stuck in the middle. They are his kids and it feels like mum owns them. Hopefully one day the kids will make their own mind up. I never say anything bad about their mum and neither does he. It's a shame that she can't see that we aren't the enemy.

Yes. I see your point. But as a mum surely you want to know your kids are ok. I wouldn't cope if I thought my kids were having and awful time...
Surely the truth is better.

I guess this is going to keep happening

my ex's dd lied on me many times. and he always believed her even when i proved her wrong. didn't matter. he NEVER believed me, even when the bio mom would accuse me of things which he should definitely have known i was not capable of doing. and over time i became resentful and it was one of the reasons why our relationship deteriorated.

My DSC do this and it’s recently come to the how bad the stories are.

I had an inkling this was going on, my OH thought that mum had got the wrong end of the stick.

Stories are include....

Telling mum the SD (15) isn’t’allowed’ to be collected n the house in her own with me (complete lies).

Telling mum that my OH stole SD’s birthday money from grandparents (the money was put towards an expensive laptop she wanted for Christmas and dad was very clear on this).

This one is the worse..... she went out for a walk. Phoned mum and told her dad had been thrown out of the house (completely untrue, I was there at the time). Mum drive over an hour to ours with her new boyfriend and was abusive to OH on doorstep (new boyfriend was threatening). My OH (very calm throughout the situation) calmly closed the front door and called the police. Two police officers came, they called for backup to remove them and calm them down.

SD watched all this going on. She hasn’t spoken to her dad for 6 weeks and now refuses to come.

I have no advise. But we think SD does this to please mum (who is very high conflict with her EH). We’ve since found out the SD has been going through dads phone and taking pictures of our private WhatsApp messages to each other and giving them to her mum. All trust has completely gone on our side (TBH I’m relieved she isn’t coming as we don’t have to put up with her moods and drama).

So sad that these kids do this to gain the approval of the caregiver.

Sorry, lots of typos in the above post. Hopefully you get the gist!

They did have a spat about bloody fortnite but if was a minor sibling spat
How do you know it was minor? Maybe it wasn't. Maybe your DS in anger said something very upsetting.

Maybe it got lost in translation with mum thinking your ds had told you rather 4han him.

You've already come to conclusion the argument was minor and that he lied when you haven't spoken to either of them.

Keep an unbalanced view until your oh and you speak to both of them. Clearly something dud happen to really upset him, don't minimise it.

I've spoken to all of them.
He just didn't want to tell his mum that he had been told off for being snappy... It all took place in our living room and I could hear it from the kitchen.

All resolved now thankfully. BM just needs to build trust with us and not live her worries through the children. Siblings will always fall out at some point. This was over nothing. And even they say that. It was BM that made a mountain out of nothing. Both of the kids now seem happier that we could all talk about it.