Just need to vent about partners ex-wife and daughter

[VFrustrated]

Hi, hoping someone can give me a little advice (grin)
I have been with my partner now for 2 years and 90% of the time happy however I am struggling with his daughter who is 14, I have tried everything to get on with her but it works for all of 5 mins then I am just shut out, I know what its like being a teenage girl with hormones flying everywhere but this is not just hormones. A lot of the feelings come from her mother who hates me big time and wishes I would drop dead! Partner also has a son (12) who I get on ok with. Neither children live with dad but live just down the road (ex wife bought house down the road hoping they would get back together!) they come round every now and then when they feel like it or they want something which I find very frustrating to say the least as it just feels like they are using partner. Partner feels guilty as he didn't go back with ex-wife for sake of the kids but he wasn't allowed a life and wasn't allowed any female friends as she would hit the roof. Due to partner feeling guilty he lets the kids walk all over him, one day he was having a argument with daughter about her never coming to see him and she answered that he should be grateful for the 10 mins she came round the other day and he accepted it!

I have tried every tacktic to try and understand this child and be friends but nothing works! we all went on holiday earlier this year for a week and it was great we all got on all had a great time and I even cuddled her saying thank you for great holiday (previous year could of killed her!) then no longer are we home and it's over she wont even talk to me, but I just ignored it hoping things would get back on track but it's not.

Sadly I recently suffered a miscarriage (was very early in pregnancy) but had hoped that maybe that might of bought us all together as she adores young children and is very good with them, but sadly it was not meant to be. My partner was very supportive and said I already had 2 children meaning his 2, however I am not allowed to say anything to them in a parenting manner, only today when partner said daughter want's this and I replied that's all i have heard this week daughter want's and he went into one (and I didn't say it in a mean manner either) he just said he wont talk about kids anymore. It is just so frustrating. My partner means the world to me but it is always an up hill struggle as soon as children decide to put in apperance. (sad)

Is anyone else in same situation, got any advice? all I really want is to live a happy life (grin)

Thanks for reading

How about leaving and finding someone with no baggage?
How old are yuo?

I think that a partner's children are a part of them and you have to accept that they are his children and really entitled to have a full relationship with him..and that includes treating the place casually and indeed developing a different relationship with dad as they get older it's what teenagers do..and that is the way of it. He is lucky to have them so close as it makes it easier to maintian good relationships

were you his woman friend before when he was still with his wife then?

Tricky situation, be very careful, teenagers and hormones! Sorry to hear about your miscarraige, thats very tough

Actually most 14 year old girls would treat their mums like this if they could - 10 minutes a day with the family, going on holiday with you (if she wants to)getting stuff bought for them......

first, don't ever expect to be friends with the girl. If you click and she likes you, fair enough but you can't suddenly become best buddies

You sound like you are irritated at having to share your partner, you have to get over that, you do have to share, end of. Maybe SD is getting vibes that you are irritated, not her fault

Put yourself in her shoes, mother that isn't happy (whether reasonable or not) she wants to keep mum happy. She won't want to be rubbing salt in the wounds

She's 14! Perfectly entitled to be stroppy and she would try to get stuff out of her dad even if parents were still together, it's what teens do. Give the girl a break

have every sympathy with you, but also have a lot of sympathy for the daughter, seeing it from her perspective, she is probably very protective of her mother and therefore that makes you the bad guy whatever you do, hence why she was fine iwth you on holiday but then back home she is stuck between you and her mother again and her loyalty is being divided which is tough at any age.

i would also say that as a parent its very hard having the step parent do the parenting. my dp is wonderful and the nicest step dad to my ds i could ask for... but i still fin dit difficult if he tells him off (even when i know he's right to) because somehow i still feel like its my job not his to parent. i know intellectually that's unreasonable, but emotionally its difficult.

but as i said, totally understand where you're coming from, and i think being in a step parent/child situation is just flippin difficult for EVERYONE involved... personally i just don't think i could have taken on someone else's kids so admire you for obviously trying hard to make it work.

Message withdrawn

Hi Thanks for replies I appreciate them no end, I would also like to point out that yes I was partners friend before they split up and when I say friend I really do mean just that. I also accept that the children are part of him and always will be that's what bought me closer to him knowing that and what a wonderful dad he is. I am 33 he is 40. I wont just give up on any of them and will support all of them all I can it just get's very hard sometimes and just need someone to listen and chat to about it :O)
Thanks

You don't come across to me as resenting "having to share" their Dad at all. You're frustrated at what is probably normal teenage behaviour with loyalty to a mum who hates you thrown in. And that isn't easy to deal with at the best of times.

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage . I wonder whether you're finding it particularly hard at the moment because of the miscarriage. I'm a step-mum, and I can remember when I had my mcs that I just wanted a baby of my own to cuddle, a little girl or boy of my own to be a mum to because as much as I loved my step-daughter, it was never going to be the same as having my own child.

I don't resent the daughter I would like her to come round more often to see her dad rather than just coming round once in a while for 10 minutes so she can ask for something then make excuses to leave saying she will be back and doesn't bother until the next time she want's something. It would be nice for her to come round for dinner and stay (we always make sure we have something in the house that she would like to eat)
I get frustrated at the fact we stay in every weekend in case the children come round 9 times out of ten they say they are coming we hang around for hours and they have ended up going somewhere with their mother which in my mind is very bad manners. I see how much it hurts my partner hence why I get cross.

Sufermummystomb, I am so sorry to hear your news as I know exactly how much it hurts. I think you also know where I am coming from x

Hi There

I totally understand that teenagers are sometimes very difficult to be around and that step parenting is also tough at times; for everyone concerned.

From my own situation, I used to find it hard to just have to bite my tongue when I saw DSD behaving in a way which I wouldn't allow if she were mine but then your partner is the parent, he's the one with responsibility. In the end I learned to let a lot go and it helped my blood pressure no end! In saying that though if my DSD were to behave in a rude or unreasonable way towards ME then I would absolutely say something to her in a straightforward and adult way - you can't at this stage in her life be another "mum" and her own friends will prob be the centre of her world but you can offer her "woman to woman respect" my DSD (now 16) seems to respond well to that and it makes her feel grown up.

Your home is by default the home of your DSC so they have the right to come and go but you seem to be spending a lot of time hanging around hoping that they'll turn up. Could you maybe arrange a fixed 1 night a week where they always come round for say dinner and a DVD and you can just all hang out together?

Sympathies for your mc - sounds awful. I wonder if once you do have a (trouble free) pg that a lot of these issues will become a lot less serious for you? I'm now pg myself and since then I've found that I'm a lot less bothered about some of the rather annoying / rude but really quite trivial things that my dsd says to her dad (mind you he's quite good at telling her to bugger off if she tries to guilt trip him)

Also totally agree that she is prob feeling really mixed loyalties due to her mum's situation, she may feel v. protective of her mum and being moody / difficult could be her way of defending her mum.

Good luck whatever happens, I don't think you're being unreasonable, you're just having to cope with a difficult situation that you can never prepare yourself for.

xx

VFrustrated - your post made me very sad and I really feel for you.
I've also had mcs and had the same response from my DP. My DSC are younger than yours and I have a very good relationship with them. I love them and I genuinely think they like me (most of the time) but there is no escaping the fact that they are not my children. DP also used the phrase 'you already have 3 children', which, although he meant in a supportive way, upset me a lot.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that all the time you're wanting your own child maybe this situation will feel worse. I know I get probably more frustrated and upset at certain situations with my DSC as they are the closest I have to my own DC, but I always have to hold back.

VF I just wanted to offer my sympathy and support. You're feelings are entirely natural. It is v difficult to deal with sc who are not yours particularly if the mother hates you and the children feel torn. (I know from experience).

I find it helpful to remember that their torn loyalties make life difficult for them too. You and they are not at fault. She is.

My sc are now 12 nd 13 and the teenage attitude has started. It is difficult for any parent of teens (whether they are yours or not). They do treat you with contempt/disdain - it is pretty much to be expected. This is complictaed further by the fact that they don't live by your rules. I've just had to accept that - if they lived with us or we had brought them up there would be different boundaries - but some things are out of your control.

DH needs to understand that his kids do not make up for the baby you have lost. I'm so sorry about yr mc. He needs to recognise that being a stepmother is just not the same. sc are not a substitute. His comment was well meaning but misguided.

FWIW I think you shouldn't focus any energy or attention on influencing yr dsd. You and yr dp need to discuss how things need to work in yr house, what the rules are, how he will keep contact etc. Try to unite over this not divide (I know this is easier said than done).

Take care