Feeling really anxious about the dynamics

[Bennyrealdeal]

My partner has 2 children from a previous marriage and I’m about to be a first time dad. The baby is due in about 6 weeks.the children are saying how they can’t wait for the baby, and only every talk to my partner about it, I’ve tried engaging with them but it’s almost like I don’t exist as far as the baby is concerned like it’s going to be theirs. I want to be a hands on dad and have ,waited all my life for this but already feel pushed aside and unrespected.

On top if that, my partners mum is butting in a lot over compensating saying things to them like ‘do you know what you’ll be doing when your left in charge? Her mum and dad are coming to stay with us for a week when he’s born to help out but I feel very tense about that too and what might arise there.

All in all, I feel very down, anxious and upset by it. I’ve spoken to my partner and she seems to just brush my feelings under the carpet. Please can anyone give me any advice??

I think you’ll find that the novelty will wear off for your stepchildren quite quickly when they realise that babies are actually quite boring. My stepdaughter was 9 when our first DC was born and 11 when the next one was born; she liked sitting and having a cuddle with each baby for 5-10 minutes here and there but beyond that she couldn’t do much and was then more interested in her own activities.
Your parents in law coming to stay is a bit trickier; what are they there to help with?
I think you need to be prepared to insist that you get baby cuddles etc and that they don’t take over in that respect. However it is only a week and you have the rest of the time with your baby. The first week is a blur of sleepless nights and feeding so you may be relieved when it comes to it

Hmmm it will work out. But....parents coming to stay....why? How old are the little ones? Can't you manage those? If you will have time off work when the baby is born then try to do without the parents. Just explain you want a few weeks getting to know your new baby and becoming a new family. If you have paternity leave explain to them that you will really need their help when you go back to work so could they come later. (Although I wonder if they are coming to help during labour so you can be at the hospital....harder then to send them away....). Finally talk to your partner, explain you feel a bit anxious and that the kods don't seem to include you. Maybe she can help there. Remind rhe step kids that you are daddy and you are important too.

Agree with first poster. I was the first time parent like you. My SDC adore our DD, they did at first squabble over who would hold her - DP a few times had to say to them excuse me it's my turn actually!

However - they tried out changing nappies, putting baby to bed, feeding her, a lot of the actual parenting stuff - and after novelty value wore off, decided it was hard and that we could crack on and they'd show up for playtime occasionally

I'd also say that once you have a toddler running around, it can be quite nice to have extra pairs of hands on deck...

Personally I would have hated having ILs there full time at the start - even my own parents just came for a day. If she has both her parents supporting with the baby, and SDC are champing at the bit, then it does seem like there needs to be a clear role set aside for you. Have you and partner agreed who is going to be doing what?

That’s a tough one. I think that this can be a normal experience for dads though, not that that’s right but sometimes the dads are forgotten a little as they are expected to just adjust. I think it will work itself out in that respect, as others said the novelty will wear off with the kids and your partner will want a break so you will get time to be hands on.

The trickier part is the in laws I think. In my opinion they don’t need to be there right away staying over. That could in some ways make it mor stressful, particularly if as others say you are off for paternity leave, their help would be much more useful when you return to work!?

I wouldn’t like having even my own parent there full time in the beginning you need time to adjust as a family; visiting for a few hours maybe but 24/7 no, unless there is some
Missing info I really don’t think this is needed, and wonder was this discussed or just decided by your partners or/and her parents?

I don't know whether this is advice or not or even if it will be helpful...
We had our baby in the first lock down. My dp has a dc with ex. I had already said no one would be getting in the house for at least a fortnight after bubba was born before lockdown and it was met with out and out hatred from his side of the family. My dp however jumped at the chance to have 2 weeks uninterrupted brand new family time. There's no way in hell I would have put up with people in and out interfering and touching my baby after going through the hell that is child birth. No one ever gives a shit about the mothers needs and believe me that first poo after giving birth is not something any woman wants a houseful for!!!
Lockdown happened and we had loads of time together and it was wonderful. The bond we all have is amazing. Baby has never favoured mum over dad or vice versa like a lot of baby's do because we had equal time... In fact sometimes I had to prize baby out of dad's clutches. My dp said that he never got any of this time with his first because her parents were always there and he felt like he was just there to go to work.
Baby actually only needs it's parents and the people it lives with for 1st few weeks/months. Grandparents etc have nothing a baby needs for survival and actually only get in the way of feeding and bonding.
It's tough because it sounds like you have a partner who is doing right by her for the first few weeks and actually that's the way it should be. I'm a massive advocate of women being 100% selfish in their needs during pregnancy and the first few weeks afterwards, too many get railroaded into having people round or the step kids visiting etc.
But you sound like you're going to rock this daddy malarkey!!!
Take your baby whenever you want except when it's with mum. Every time you hold baby take your shirt off. I made my dp do this and he said it felt weird at first but then after the first time I used to have to remind to put a shirt on and dress the bloody baby!!! Don't allow grandparents to have more time with baby and mum than you do! Tell them your bedroom is off limits, if you think they might be tempted to come in during the night or whatever, make sure you "forget" to wear pants... As long as they aren't weirdos they should be embarrassed enough not to come in again.
The kids will lose interest and actually it might give both parents a chance to do some bonding with the other kids because they are going to want someone's time when they are bored of baby.
Be mindful of mums needs and be the most supportive fella you can be and she will see you taking an interest and be more open to letting you do more as the days progress. I love my dp to the moon and back, he's an awesome human being but those first three days out of hospital I treated him like a leper where his own baby was concerned but that's how it should be, I kept apologising all the time and thankfully he understood that it was raw emotion driving that way of thinking not a reflection on him or how I thought about him or his parenting abilities.
It's an exciting time and you're gonna love it. Try not to have any negative preconceptions about the in laws, try going into their visit with a positive state of mind and a massive list of things for them to clean and fix.
The same goes for the sleepless nights and baby only wanting cuddles, too many parents see this as a bad thing but it's awesome because it's only for a seriously short time and then they don't need you anymore.
You'll be fine! Whatever this impending period of time throws at you remember everyone's emotions and wounds are raw but tomorrow is a new day and you will be absolutely fine.

I agree the children will lose interest and at least they are being positive. How old are they?

Has she said why she wants her parents to stay? Is it to look after the other two? If they’ve stayed with you before, have they been helpful and supportive or will they be two more to look after?

I think you are being very odd about the dsc, of course it will be their baby too, it's their sibling! The dgm is probably concerned that they will feel left out, which is why she's giving them the impression they will be in charge. That's totally normal, it is always recommended that siblings be given an active part with a new baby.
Totally unnecessary for the ILs to stay, I'm not surprised that's making you anxious.