How do you resolve conflict?

[ConflictedConnie]

I've name changed, there's a long history which I don't really want to go into. All ok with dh ex no issues.

Issue is with dh 17yr old, she is abusive and disrespectful towards me. Last year she punched me and told me I was a fucking bitch, I was nothing I was no one etc etc. This is because the Wi-fi got turned off by dh because of her ongoing behaviour.

She saw it as my doing and went bonkers, like I say long history but won't go into here.

The issue is the conflict that arises between myself and my dh because I am always absent when she comes to us, she no longer stays overnight but I have never said she isn't welcome I just choose to be out when she's with dh.

Her punching me etc was never addressed with her and every few months dh will berate me because I refuse to spend time with them. He can't understand my depth of feeling on this particular situation.

I am past arguing it solves nothing but we are at an impasse and I am so tired of feeling as though I'm wrong for feeling so strongly about this issue.

How do you resolve conflict when we keep going around in circles?

You can't resolve this, because you are married to a man who doesn't care that you have been abused and assaulted, and who continues to allow your attacker in your home, without addressing the issue, at all.

You need a divorce. I'm very sorry, but you do.

Please please get an divorce :(

If she physically assaults you again please immediately go to the police.

The definition of domestic abuse also includes teenagers physically assaulting family members.

And yes divorce your husband and leave him to deal with his abusive child.

Divorce is not something he or I want, we want to resolve the conflict that crops up when his daughter is discussed.

Dh isn't abusive towards me, I would know I've been abused, we differ in our perspective. He cannot understand my strength of feeling towards a daughter he loves. I can't understand why he can't get it he doesn't understand why I can't get over it and move forward.

Dsd did not punch me in the face, I should add but she did punch me. After there was no resolution I asked dh to not bring her for overnights whilst our relationship continued to be unhealthy it's not good for her or myself.

Nothing has been resolved between my dsd and I which is a shame because I care for her deeply however I won't have anyone around me that feels it's ok to abuse me the way she has. If it was wildly out of character for dsd I would've dealt with things differently because I'd have known it was unlike her. Unfortunately for the past 10 years her behaviour has escalated. I knew it was coming I could spot it a mile off.

I need to meet in the middle and try to look at things more objectively but I'm stuck in my deep dislike.

Dh may no be abusive to you, however he ignoring that you are receiving abuse from his dd.
This more than likely won't get better op. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life arguing with dh over something he isn't willing to address? You'll more than likely never feel comfortable about his child, until he's willing to accept that she is treating you extremely poorly.

@ConflictedConnie by his very behaviour your dh has sanctioned you being abused my his dd - he is therefore fully complicit in her abuse of you. He is no better than his dd.
I would be out of there like a shot.
If he had your back, respected your wishes, addressed his dd's behaviour & dealt with it I'd be saying different but he is doing NONE of those things and basically expects you to live with the threat of violence hanging over you.
He is not a good human being - & I don't say that lightly.
You can't resolve this because the only resolution he wants is for you to accept his dd's horrific behaviour.

The first thing is to ensure she never comes to your house again.

He can meet her elsewhere. Your home is your sanctuary, don't let yourself be forced out so she can visit.

He feels he has supported me because before this incident we had her 50/50 I effectively banned her from staying overnight at all. He should be able to spend time with her she is his daughter and their relationship is important.

I could be at home but I choose to leave, dh doesn't know how we will resolve anything if I keep leaving before she arrives. He sees her at home rarely, obviously now we are in lockdown there is nowhere for them to go so he picks her up and brings her home for a few hours one weekend day so it's not a big ask.

I keep reiterating the point that her behaviour was not addressed and so nothing can be changed until it has. He believes by him agreeing to me saying no overnights at all he's supported me even though he disagrees so it puts us at odds with each other.

What has he said, to her, to fix the situation? Has he addressed her behaviour at all? Or is he fine with the fact that she hit you?

@Ohalrightthen

What has he said, to her, to fix the situation? Has he addressed her behaviour at all? Or is he fine with the fact that she hit you?

He is not ok with how she behaved towards me and he has told her (he says) the only 'punishment' if you like was me saying no to her coming here overnight at all.

I feel the issue lies with dh that he is unable to step up and do the necessary in order to parent her instead he seems to put her approval of him above everything else. He says he's struggling to juggle both of our happiness because I say no to her being here and she's asking if she can come over.

To me if she's asking to come over she either doesn't care about how she treated me or she really thinks it was acceptable and that would be the case because neither parent told her in no uncertain terms that it is absolutely NOT ok.

When she has been here and I come home she has left any dishes she's had wherever she's had them, things from her room left out. This then tells me she has no respect for our home and given she's here so rarely surely she must know the reason why?! But she has never made any effort to be any different I never got an apology. I have been labelled as awful by dsd family and dh a wimp because apparently he won't stand up to me and allow dsd to come and go as she pleases

So dh feels as though he's pulled in different directions and I am way out over there standing alone wondering if I'm now wrong for feeling so strongly about what she did to me.

He needs to learn to respect your feelings about being assaulted by her, that's the end of it really. If he can't understand your choice not to be around her he is a fool. You could perhaps tell him that you will be open to rebuilding a relationship with you if SHE approaches you in the interest of making up to you. It's up to him to encourage that, and if he doesn't think she is mature enough or feels any guilt then ask him why he expects you to feel differently about her to how you do.

So from one incident she is now not allowed to stay in her home which she was staying in 50% of the time rather than your dh doing any parenting to resolve the issue. He doesn't sound like a very effective parent. It's lucky her mother hasn't done the same.

It feels to me that he feels I should make allowances for her because of her age and I as a woman my 40's with life experience should be more understanding.

As someone who has been in a very abusive relationship where I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused I know only too well what it looks like and can spot the potential a mile off. So as someone with life experience I should be free to choose who I spend my time with.

I've told dh that if it was anyone else he would've supported me and told me absolutely it was right for me to have nothing more to do with them, this however doesn't extend to his daughter. It's as if he is purposefully blind and gaslighting me.

Your DP is allowing his daughter to sow divisions in your relationship, and his failure to address her assaulting you is in itself 'abuse'. You have rightly opted to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation - but should not have had to do this. It is your home.

She doesn't have to love you, or even like you but it is a basic to expect to be safe, free from abuse and considered in your own home. The behaviour you explain is completely unacceptable from a 17 year old - your DP can't equate this to a toddler having a tantrum & expect ''understanding'' or for you to turn a blind eye just because it's his child. He allowed overnights to stop to avoid parenting, which is very poor form.

While you say you don't want to divorce, ask yourself if you want to live like this? What does her Mother have to say about this?

I'd be very concerned indeed if this were my daughter.

She’s long passed the age of criminal responsibility so no, you do not have to make allowances, she’s not a little child.
It seems to me that you have taken the only route left open to you before you reach the destination of divorce, namely to avoid being in her company.
If that doesn’t suit your DH he’s just going to have to get his thinking cap on and work out why that might be what you have do and what he can do to help fix it.

You have a DH that does not want to see problems. He wants to sweep it under the carpet. You need to be validated and apologised to, by them both, her for the act of physically hurting you and him for not having your back. She should not be in your living space until this happens. You need to stick to yours guns on this. I would be extremely concerned if this was my child and I cannot believe any parent would not sanction any aged child if they behaved this way to any adult let alone someone who takes care of them and is loved by their father. Do not tolerate this OP, you will get resentful if you both don’t find a resolution.

@Wishitsnows

So from one incident she is now not allowed to stay in her home which she was staying in 50% of the time rather than your dh doing any parenting to resolve the issue. He doesn't sound like a very effective parent. It's lucky her mother hasn't done the same.

Her parents are equally responsible for failing to bring her up as a decent human being and it’s not on OP to accept it.

Would you have someone in your home who assaulted you?

OP, it might have been out of character for her but that’s no excuse?! Why didn’t you call the police?

You can say you don’t want to get divorced but you know nothing will improve while the man you’re married to expects you to admit you deserved it. That’s what he’s doing. He hasn’t made her apologise, given her any consequences and is leaning on you to accept it. Does that feel loving and respectful to you?

He would rather disrespect you, than parent his kid.

He would rather sacrifice overnights with her, than stand up to her.

He wants to make you in the wrong for not tolerating physical abuse.

I can’t see what there is to resolve.

This is a drama triangle. Google Karpman drama triangle. It’s what happens when people don’t accept responsibility.

The only way to deal with a drama triangle is to exit it.

This is what divorce is for.