Wtf do I do now?

[Shinesun14]

I'll start by saying I'm fully prepared to be told I'm unreasonable and constructive criticism is fine. This is also a really long post!

DH and I have been married a few months. Before we were married there were no real issues with dss 7 or ds 13. Dss is 40/60 with us.

Mine and DHs parenting seemed to match up in most ways and blending our family before marriage was surprisingly challenge free. Its now not and I'm struggling and DH is struggling and so are our DCs. I also have another dd 13 so there's 3 in total. My dcs df is a bit shit and contact is inconsistent but overall my dc are well rounded happy dc and whilst they're sometimes annoying and cheeky they know where my line is.

We've now come to the realisation that our parenting is actually different. Things that annoy me don't annoy DH and vice versa. Obviously our dc have been brought up with what the parents annoyances are and moulded that way.

There's three main issues.

One: It really irritates me to my soul that DH ask DSS if somethings OK before he does it. Eg - yesterday we had seperate days out with our DC. I went on a bike ride and DH went on a walk. Halfway through my bike ride DS chain snapped and DD wasn't very well. DH was already home as he had gone out earlier than us. I cycled home and got my car and came back for DC. DH rang me and I told him what was going on and that I couldn't get DDs bike in my car (new bike for Xmas). He said he'd come and get us in the van and then asked dss if that was alright. Then, as I hadn't had any lunch and was freezing cold I asked DH to take DD back with him so I could go through Costa drive through. He said yes but then double checked with his ds if that was OK. It really irritated me and I'm not sure why and its something I've been noticing lately. This is different parenting styles I guess but I don't understand why you would double check with your seven year old if its OK to come and rescue your wife and step children. What if he had said no

Two: Dss manipulates DH. He didn't want to go for a walk Saturday morning so pretended to his DM that he didn't want to come over as he feels sad and misses having his dad to himself. He most likely does feel sad and confused ect but this was done to get out of something he didn't want to do. DH tries to take him out for bike rides, tries to play minecraft, tries to get him to read for 30 mins every night, wants him to help cook - the list goes on and DH offers are refused. However, when he's in trouble or doesn't want to do something he cries about missing dad. DH feels guilty about this and doesn't really know what to do about it. It doesn't help that DSS DM and DH do not get on so they can't work together as a team. His DM has told him things like - I'm scared you will love them more then me and made it very clear she doesn't like me. Lots of conflicting loyalty issues for dss.

Three: Ds and Dss bickering and play fighting. I'll start by saying my DS is a wind up merchant and takes things to far. He has a group of 'bantery' friends and can be a nause. He's also kind, thoughtful and really funny when it doesn't go to far. Dss adores DS 95% of the time and DS has given up his bedroom to share with DS 3 nights a week (whilst we convert loft for him). The issue is when one of them (usually my ds but not always) goes to far. I think its normal sibling behaviour and both have consequences for their actions. DH now doesn't think this is enough as my ds is 13 and his is 7. He feels like DS should say - go away you're 7 and not get down to his level. I agree and don't agree. On one hand yes DS is 13 and should do what we ask which is tell DSS to go away or come and tell us. I also feel however that DSS shouldn't start things in the first place and it's unfair on my DS when he does. Me and DH are now locked in a battle between the DS's on whats acceptable and what's not. We've put in a three strike rule for pocket money but the line between playing and it going to far is grey and neither of us are consistent with it. DSS line of whats acceptable and whats not is different then DS. Dss ran in my room and shouted at me to shut up the other week. He told his dad it was a joke and DH agreed it was a joke but told him to not joke to me like that again as its not very respectful. If he 'jokes'like that to my DS I can see why my DS responds back without thinking. My DS jokes are not as funny to DH as they are to me so again it could just be how we've moulded our dc different.

Both of us think the other is to soft on our DS's. My DS is a proper boy, he's tough in lots of ways (although hates being told off and is finding our new set up really hard). DSS is not like that. He has so little confidence, he won't be left alone to have a shower/put in petrol, he won't try anything new and is naughty is a subtle way with his behaviour to get out of what he doesn't want to do whereas my DS was a naughty in a loud boisterous way when that age. I do think DH is a bit wet with his consistency. I understand to a degree, he is desperate to be a part of his sons life and is terrified that DSS won't want to see him anymore if he's to strict so his discipline is at his discretion. Eg when its just him and his son he doesn't use the 3 strikes - whereas mine who live here full time are on it all the time. DH thinks that's right as he doesn't see his ds every night of the week.

I feel trapped in a battle of petty things and not feeling happy when dss is here. I feel on eggshells and that its DH and dss against me and my dc. He even said in our argument last night that he's only thinking about him and his kid. He backtracked completely and said it came out wrong but he still said it. I don't know where we've gone so wrong. Dss doesn't like me anymore - last night he told me he hoped I'd go off with my friends all the time and not be in our home - DH doesn't notice these types of comments...

I really don't know where to go from here. I've gone from being deliriously happy with my new family to walking on eggshells and feeling dread the day dss is due to come. What can I do to make this better? Me and DH do talk and things do get better for a few days but it always happens again and we both get defensive about our dc and entrenched in our positions.

That sounds like a really difficult situation and I imagine one that is common in blended families. I think we're all a lot more tolerant of our own childrens' bad behaviour than we are of other peoples' childrens' bad behaviour and there's the rub. It would have also irritated me if I'd been in your position when he checked with dss about whether it was ok to rescue you in the freezing cold. Hopefully someone with some good advice will be along soon but you have my sympathy.

Bluntly? Sounds as though putting a ring on it has inflamed the the situation with the ex and DSS.

My first bit of advice. How long til the loft conversion is done? Make that a priority. Give your DS his own space and also DSS. 13 and 7 are intensely tricky ages. The 13 year old will enjoy winding up the younger one. 7 is just a pain in the arse age who will push boundaries. You’ve created a perfect storm - get them separated and then put in firm rules about each of them entering the others space.

My eldest is a teen and I am protective of the younger siblings. He takes great joy in winding them up. They bite. I am much firmer with him and I do think by 13/14 they should know better. Likewise they will find a 7 year old intensely irritating to have in their environment. I don’t think it sounds great for either child.

Re the incident with the bike ride? Maybe it’s just me, but what would you have done if your DH wasn’t home? I dunno but in my experience it sounds like he’s protective of his time with his child. Viewed it as an intrusion and hence asked his son if it was ok. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong - but it is what it is. Sounds like your children are predominantly with you. His is only with you 40%. He will naturally view that 40% as ‘less’ and be protective of it. Vs giving his son the impression that he is sharing it with you all.

Bluntly? It’s covid. Everyone is climbing the walls. Try and separate everyone a little. Let him do his thing with his SS. You do your thing with your children. As a priority though I’d sort the sleeping situation.

Your son will be hitting puberty if he hasn’t already. Give him his privacy and let the 7 year old be an irritating 7 year old away from him.

I have sympathy as in a similar situation after moving in with my DP of three years a few months ago.
His DD (age 7) acts very much like your DSS all of a sudden, is very clingy to her Dad, doesnt seem Happy when I'm here in my own home and I feel I am walking on eggshells as if something doesnt go the way she wants she falls out with her dad and says she wants to go home and tell her mum about it!
I dread her visits at the moment as it is such hard work and my own DC get fed up of his lack of discipline towards her when I'm hard on my own DC. He is terrified of losing her so darent say anything to her and is also frankly terrified of her mum!

I would have expected him to come and get you without checking with his DS though! It would never enter my head to ask my kids permission in that situation I'd just do it!

It sounds like a complicated situation, and you need to have a serious discussion about house rules that you all agree on. Easier said than done I know!

What would happen if he asked his DS if he was OK with something and DS said no? Would he have left you to get yourself home?

But I'm confused about what you mean when you say your DS is a "proper boy". Not being loud and tough doesn't make DSS any less of a boy. And he won't be left alone to put petrol in. are 7 year olds even allowed to do that?

normal sibling behaviour

They are not normal siblings so I think you might need to relate to your dh feeling protective. You have 2 older children and he has 1 younger children. If the roles were reversed I think you would be very concerned that your 7 year was feeling uncomfortable and out numbered by older children.. I think separate space will work for them both. Did they move into your house?

Re the asking, I think you need to let it go. It seems your dh is being hyper sensitive to his son. I would tend to do that around an anxious child, it's giving him a feeling of control when perhaps he feel scared. Marriage,covid, no school, friends,sharing a room with a teen. I think that's quite a lot for a 7 year old to deal with

How long have you been together?

Blending is really, really difficult and marriage will have made the situation feel more permanent..plus covid will not have helped. Try to let go of the minor irritations, if you reflect on it, they are small matters and I think in 5 years you'll not remember the incidents but you will if you let resentment build. Focus on the positives - literally train yourself to see the good stuff.

Thank you all for responding and the sympathy.

@sassbott the loft should be completed within 6 weeks. I think that will resolve a lot of the bickering! I'm not sure about the rest.

I spoke to DH about the asking (he also asks his ds if its OK to sit in the back when we're in his car and other things). He says he's gently telling him by asking and that no isn't an option. He doesn't get how I feel about that so I think I'll just have to grit my teeth and ignore the gentle telling for now. It does irritate me a lot, it feels like he's giving his ds the option of whether to help me/almost let me be the other adult in the family. I think he'll become defensive if I explain how I feel about it again, it's different parenting styles I guess.

I also don't think he's protective of time with his ds. It's me who encourages him to have one to one time. It was also him who offered to get me - I didn't tell him I had cycled home and gone back out in the car and would have had to put the front seat down, gone back and then gone back again to pick dc up.

I asked DH last night if he could keep his ds in the living room and play with him/give him that one on one attention the three evenings a week he's here and I go in my bedroom. I'm more than happy to eat dinner, have a bath and go to bed early with Netflix and let them get on with it. I think taking a step back and DH spending that time one on one would stop the bickering between the boys and give his ds the extra attention he needs. DH doesn't want to do this as he feels if we start this it will be hard to stop it. I think it will be perfect for my sanity right now. I know I'm supposed to be mature about a seven yr old but its extremely difficult being rejected and pushed out by him.

I can give loads of examples of dss doing this. DH says I should tell him off (in a gentle way) when he's rude to me or unkind but then I'm the bad guy and DH isn't consistent with backing me up so I don't want to anymore. I feel on eggshells when he's here and he ruins any days out all together. I think until he's happier DH needs to spend that one on one time and let me back right off from being around.

Apologies about the crass stereotyping. What I meant was my DS is a stereotypical 13yr old boy and his DS isn't. I am quite concerned about how little confidence he has. To also clarify about the petrol - dss takes off his seat belt and stares at DH when he's putting the petrol in (and his DM), he won't shower unless DH or his DM is in the bathroom with him and if we go to the park he doesn't run off and play. He constantly needs another presence with him whilst doing anything apart from his switch that hes glued too.

I know I should have more sympathy but its completely grinding me down. I know I need to be more positive about it but I almost feel rejected by DH some of the time. DH was chatting to me about dinner on Sunday, his DS called him and he left mid conversation and didn't come back. Like wtf, it's so hard. I think DH concentrating on his DS by themselves will just stop the resentment and rejection I'm feeling. I used to really like DSS, now I feel overwhelmed with a seven year olds jealousy and cannot see the wood from the trees.

Well firstly, my SS behaves very much like yours and is treated similarly by adults so I totally get why it annoys you.

But I think the key word in your post is "defensiveness". This is something I talk about a lot on this board, but it is the absolute killer of step relationships and blended families. People that cannot step back from a situation that involves their children and look at it objectively, and cannot talk about it, are bound to bump heads. You both have experience of living with a child that isn't yours and how irritating several elements are, so you don't need to feel defensive about the other feeling the same about you and your child. You both should know it is natural. You both know that both of your children misbehave in minor ways, so you don't need to feel defensive about the other being criticised. You both think the other is too soft, which tbh I believe is what most parents think when they look at other parents (I do at least) so you need to be able to recognise that bias, and see how the same applies to yourself.

Now, I will say that from your account, your husband sounds worse in this regard than you. The whole "he's only here for x time so needs special treatment" rhetoric is toxic and not a good sign. I would remind him, when the time is right, that you want to level with him about all these conflicts but he needs to be willing to treat his DC with the same general rules as the other kids.

But I would focus on addressing and getting past the defensiveness you both feel about your children and your parenting, because unless a blended family situation like this can be viewed with objective eyes, you will always be at loggerheads.

Also, in relation to your latest comment, I think it is healthy to have time to yourself, for the sake of your sanity, and this is something your husband should respect and should be encouraged to do himself when it's just your kids around. As I said before, my SS is very similar to yours, and the result of his constant need for adult company is I find him extremely overbearing. I cannot get through a day stuck inside with him without needing space, it's suffocating.

Your husband needs to back off a bit and accept this.

Sorry forgot to add - DH is more than on board with taking DS out by himself Saturday for one on one time - its the evenings at home he's not on board with.

@aSofaNearYou how do we get past the defensiveness. I think I'm better at it then DH. I can see my DS's behaviour most of the time. DH does not see his ds's behaviour and when he talks to me about my parenting, after a while I think - you big fucking hypocrite and we get nowhere. His parenting when talked about goes to - my ds has a lot going on, he's not here full time, he's sensitive at the moment why can't you all support the youngest member of the family who is going through a hard time.

But to be quite honest I do think a lot of it is that DH was on his own with DSS until he met me and dss got his own way a lot of the time. DH now has to deal with that in a family of 5 his dss doesn't get what he wants whenever he wants and the result of that is that DSS becomes upset and cries about wanting his dad to himself again. My DH would say I'm being harsh and horrible by saying that but I do think thats the crux of dss unhappiness and ignoring that/pandering doesn't help him get through it. Argh! It honestly wasn't like this before we got married!

That's definitely the hard part, and not something I have all the answers to. It's just something that you need to be mindful of and check yourself on, but it doesn't sound like your DH is in a mindset to do that.

The most obvious thing to do would be to try and have a calm discussion where you point out what a similar position you are in, and how you should use that insight to understand where one another is coming from. Compare what you struggle with, with what he does. For me, drawing direct comparisons really helps me to empathise with others and recognise when I am being hypocritical.

But if he is simply too ingrained in his defensiveness then he may well not respond as you hope, I would consider writing a letter if that helps get past the likelihood of one or both of you escalating quickly to anger.

Failing all that, this sounds like exactly the sort of thing that some kind of couple's counselling could help with. I'm not normally one to jump to recommending counselling but that knee jerk defensive response is what is stopping you from communicating properly, and the neutral ground could help with that.

Thank you @aSofaNearYou

I like the pointing out the similarities advice and think DH will respond well to that.

Something that helped our blended family was board games. Experiencing winning and losing together as a family and having fun. We had made it a date every Sunday, each of us picking a game, uno, labyrinth, cards. If the game was too hard to play for anyone younger we drew straws and they would pair up with another family member. This was suggested by a therapist! She said you experience lots of different challenges when playing board games. It brings out the worst and best of people and can be quite revealing of people’s personalities. It always shows up your different parenting styles. I let each player choose a chocolate treat and we made hot chocolate. Really good times actually.

I guess I’m saying have fun whilst you and hubster learn to work as a team.

Thanks @Witchymclovely - dss hates boardgames and can't cope with loosing so boardgames are a nightmare!

I've got a slightly positive update. I really unpicked with DH his feelings of guilt and worries. He now sees that he's been over compensating and that his biggest worries of dss being excluded will end up happening because of his over compensating.

We've finally found a way we can communicate about our dc without it ending in tears! We both listened, heard each other and I'm hopeful for change. He's also agreed to counselling if we stop communicating healthily again and accepts my boundaries. It was a very touching conversation and I'm back in my wife space rather than relegated to a second class citizen.

That's a lovely update OP - fingers crossed for the future.