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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

God... how do you all do it?!

26 replies

littlepeaegg · 05/02/2021 21:42

Please share me your secrets??!

It's hard!!!

How often does your partner have contact with his children? Calls and contact I mean.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MyGodImSoYoung · 05/02/2021 21:49

Two step children, two mums, so contact is different for each child.

We always have children at the weekend, apart from DP's work shift day. Then two afternoons/evenings in the week, plus one morning from an overnight stay.

Older DSC has a phone, so they text each other. Very rarely call outside of contact time, but message regularly.

Younger DSC doesn't have a phone yet. Very occasionally calls.

What's the problem, OP? What are you struggling with? Xx

Original poster

littlepeaegg · 05/02/2021 21:56

I think it's more that the ex still controls my partner and she will say jump and he says how high?

I know this is difficult. And I feel selfish by saying it.

OP posts:

Hillary111 · 05/02/2021 21:57

It can be hard if communication is still through the SC’s mother, can’t stand hearing that woman’s voice in my house! Calls are now zoned to bedroom only. Looking forward to the day SC have their own phone!

sunnyzweibrucken · 05/02/2021 22:01

it was too difficult for me so i ended up NOT doing it anymore. i realize i'm not built to be a "step mother" or have a role of that type. i will never date another man with children under 18 again.

Original poster

littlepeaegg · 05/02/2021 22:06

I thought I'd be okay with it... we are due a baby in august so we need to make it work.

But it just annoys me. She's asked him to call his daughter up everyday to do school work with her as she's struggling. She only has one kid and works part time from home.

We are all struggling right now! We do what we can surely?

My son lives at home with us and he gets on and they are same age!

OP posts:

bogoffmda · 05/02/2021 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

littlepeaegg · 05/02/2021 22:19

When he doesn't even help our child at home because he's too busy? I don't see how that is fair? We are all busy and struggling but the children should be treated equally am I not right there??

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2021 22:19

We all have different ways of coping but you need to realise it’s his choice to pander to her and not necessarily her fault. She can be as unreasonable as she likes but he’s chosen to have another relationship and another child and it’s his job to juggle everyone in a healthy appropriate way. If he’s still playing “how high” once your baby is here you’ll find life very stressful and difficult. Try and tackle it now.

On the specifics, she should be sorting homeschooling during her contact time and he’s responsible during his time.

What’s his thinking on this request?

When’s the baby due?

excelledyourself · 05/02/2021 22:29

@littlepeaegg

When he doesn't even help our child at home because he's too busy? I don't see how that is fair? We are all busy and struggling but the children should be treated equally am I not right there??

That's not his son though? Where is your son's dad?

Hillary111 · 05/02/2021 22:37

MNHQ deleting the spitting vipers! Good work 👌

excelledyourself · 05/02/2021 22:45

I knew I recognised your username. According to your post from yesterday, you don't even live with your partner?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 00:01

It’s a different story if you don’t live together. But if you don’t, even more reason to iron out any issues about how he handles his ex before you have the baby and move in together.

You presumably thought it would all work out fine before you pregnant, despite not living together and knowing his ex was tricky and you struggled with his lack of boundaries around his older child’s mum. So try not to let little things get to you, tackle the big ones as calmly and positively as you can remembering you’re meant to be a team, and try to know the difference between them. Not much else you can do.

Oswin · 06/02/2021 00:14

@littlepeaegg

When he doesn't even help our child at home because he's too busy? I don't see how that is fair? We are all busy and struggling but the children should be treated equally am I not right there??

But the child at home isn't his child? Why shouldn't he take on some of the responsibility for educating his child?

MyGodImSoYoung · 06/02/2021 08:49

In terms of home schooling, during the first lockdown my DSD was getting sent school work but wasn't doing it. Apparently, her mum couldn't force her. So we got her to do it here when she saw us. Yes, that meant she wasn't doing every piece of work, but some was better than none. We had a lot of tears and tantrums over it, but it has ultimately worked out.

If your partner's ex can't managed, then he needs to leave her to it and just help on the days he is actually meant to have contact.

Having said that, if you are not living together like PPs say, then how is it impacting you? Do you just not like the contact with the ex? (Understandable, by the way).

LetMeOut2021 · 06/02/2021 09:12

@littlepeaegg

I think it's more that the ex still controls my partner and she will say jump and he says how high?

I know this is difficult. And I feel selfish by saying it.

This is your issue, not the DC.

pictish · 06/02/2021 09:17

@littlepeaegg

When he doesn't even help our child at home because he's too busy? I don't see how that is fair? We are all busy and struggling but the children should be treated equally am I not right there??

This is where you need to pause I think. Your son is not his son...his own daughter is going to take priority. That mum works part time from home and his dd is an only child is irrelevant - he still has to play an active role in parenting, part of which is overseeing education. You’d be happy for him to help your son but don’t think he should have to help his daughter? No, that’s not right.

pictish · 06/02/2021 09:24

I should have said though...you have my sympathy. I’d make a terrible stepmother so I wouldn’t ever entertain it. I cba to live with or make room for someone else’s kids. I’d insist on living apart until they were much older I think.
I’d rather live as a separate unit than as any type of blended family.

Teardrop2021 · 06/02/2021 09:30

Of course he should help his dd. Ds went to his df because we couldn't get him on teams on the tablet until I got hold of the school. The Internet went down at his df when he was there so he came back to mine to finish his work. Yabu to expect it all put on the dm not all kids are the same and your ds isn't you're dps son.

funinthesun19 · 06/02/2021 09:56

This is where you need to pause I think. Your son is not his son...his own daughter is going to take priority.

Please can we all just remember this when a woman wants to prioritise her own children?
Thank you.

funinthesun19 · 06/02/2021 10:17

I really don’t think a stepparent should have to help a stepchild with school work when they have their own children to help, especially in these hard times.

I recently mentioned on a different thread, that I’m glad I don’t have this pressure of helping a stepchild at the expense of my own children, who rightfully would have got my time over a stepchild. Luckily I’m not a stepparent anymore as we split just before the pandemic, but it does make me shudder to think of if we hadn’t.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2021 10:30

Please can we all just remember this when a woman wants to prioritise her own children?

Indeed. It's to be expected in all situations. As a child you'd expect your parent to prioritise you over your DPs child. Makes sense.

That's perfectly fine and the same should be remembered where Grandparents treat their grandchildren differently from stepgrandchildren, but tend to get slated when they do.

dontdisturbmenow · 06/02/2021 10:43

If you resent the ex asking her child father to help with school work because you think that if he doesn't help your son, who is not his father and you don't even get live together, then it is not looking good at all for the future.

Your attitude is just wrong. You might want him to become your eldest father and as such put him first, but that is not reasonable.

Your son coping fine doesn't mean his daughter should.

Teardrop2021 · 06/02/2021 10:51

funinthesun19

I really don’t think a stepparent should have to help a stepchild with school work when they have their own children to help, especially in these hard times

Agree however this isn't the case though is it the dm is asking her df to help with her dd learning nothing wrong in that he her father as has equal responsibility. There's nothing wrong with being polite and having a reasonable relationships with each others dps. I had a chat with my sons sm about my other ds as she's a reception teacher as I was concerned about him as he's behind and struggles. Sometimes I think people can look for issues that aren't really there.

funinthesun19 · 06/02/2021 11:03

That's perfectly fine and the same should be remembered where Grandparents treat their grandchildren differently from stepgrandchildren, but tend to get slated when they do.

I think it’s totally fine. My parents used to be very fond of my former dsc and would treat them pretty much the same at Christmas and on birthdays, and would take a polite and casual interest in their lives when they would see them.
But that’s really where the line was drawn.

The amount they’ve done for their grandchildren (my children) over the years is at a whole different level. And that’s just normal.

emma8t4 · 06/02/2021 20:41

@funinthesun19
Please can we all just remember this when a woman wants to prioritise her own children?
Thank you.

Exactly, I love my step kids and understand my partner wants to see as much of them as possible but this week when he mentioned arranging to collect dss a day early I pointed out
why?... so he could spend more time with him....
but he would be in work and who would be looking after him?... err you??
I pointed out I’m working from home, have the nursery run to do with ds (shared) plus homeschooling with my ds (not shared) and they aren’t likely to do work if they are together (my ds plus dss) mil agreed. The additional contact time with his dad would have been an hour but it would have impacted on my full day, thankfully he realised this and didn’t agree to it

Even my mil told him it wasn’t a great idea, my dp exw has her parents (next door and retired) to have kids as when needed so it wasn’t needed for childcare/work.

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