Home and "Dads house"

[littlelotti91]

Hi everyone.

My partner has 3 children, ds5, dd7, dd9.
We have been together for about 2 years, and live together at my house. I previously lived an hour away from kids Mum so the kids stayed every other weekend, and dad would often drive over to Mums and have kids (in their home) whilst mum went out (obviously this has changed).

Around 5 months ago I moved house to 20 mins away from Mum. So it's now much easier to see kids in dads own space. Agreed days are two days every weekday, plus every other weekend (was friday pick up from school, drop off at school Mon am). Since lockdown and homeschooling they now do often have extra time here.

The youngest, is (not in a bad way, I just don't have another word for it) a mummy's boy. On his long weekend here, he is absolutely fine, and actually the longer he spends here in one go (I.e have 3 or 4 sleepovers not just one) the better he is. However, on his one off mid week sleepovers he will often ask for Mum. Mostly when he first arrives. He does settle, and is quite happy, but I know given a choice he would choose to stay at his Mums.

My question is. How can I make this house feel more like a second home and not just dads house? They have thier own room (its a 2 bed so they all share, which i think they all like doing), they have some toys in their room (obviously not the amount at Mums but things will build up overtime as things like birthdays etc happen), they have some teddies each. They have their own clothes here and pj's. We all eat together at a table for all meals.

However I know to them its all still dads house, and not theirs. Are there any small touches that I can do help the kids view this as their space too, and help them enjoy their time here. I know it will never be a preference over the home they have known for so long. I look back on my childhood and know how I would of felt in that scenario.

Lovely that you are thinking about them and their needs. I think the reaction of the little one is understandable, and due to his age.
I think, whatever you do, kids moving between mum & dad will mostly feel like they have one ‘main home’ which is actually quite healthy and fine and normally with their resident patent.

Their ‘main home’ is probably the one will all the extra ‘stuff’ (thinking older siblings old clothes, sledge in the shed, stocks of old photos, old school work, I dunno.. you get my drift). You can’t really replicate it and don’t think you should try, over and above making your own set up as nice as you can (which you are doing). Dad’s house is different but fine and will also become more ‘established’ with time. It’s great they enjoy their time at yours.

Thanks for this. Your right, I just want to try make it as welcoming as possible. If I imagined myself in thier position I have to say I wouldn't like it, so want to make it feel homely. I guess not just with stuff but knowing the small things, like not having to ask to go play in thier room if you catch my drift.

Just wanted to say you sound lovely and caring.
What about the littlest bringing a tshirt or something of mums with him? I know my 5 years old ds who is also a mummy's boy would like that.
I'll have a think and come back if I come up with any other ideas.

Off the top of my head-pictures of them round the house, their names on the door to their room, asking for their input when redecorating or choosing things for their room/the house. Anything that makes it feel like they been involved so they can have a sense of belonging.

You sound really lovely. I think the 5 year old is just struggling because he’s 5 and that’s still very little. Especially probably being in reception/year 1 at school and probably just genuinely wanting his mum after being at school all day.

It is not about the stuff, just make a right fuss of him and he will feel welcome

As @Sleepdeprived42long said, pictures, names on the door are great. Also, we keep all the pictures they draw, school stuff they bring home on our nights pinned to fridge.
Do you have clothes and stuff for them at yours? Removing the "suitcase kid" feeling is key!

As others have said, names on the door pictures on the fridge. Try to make sure things in the bedroom are in the same place every time they arrive.

Do you think you could manage to let the little one have a picture of his mum near where he sleeps? It would send a really powerful message to him that you completely accept his relationship with his mum and that there is no conflict among the adults.

At the risk of stating the obvious, ask them what would help.

Time there is obviously the biggest thing. The more they spend the more it will feel like 'home

As for the 5 year old, he is still very young and it is natural that he will feel a bit unsettled the first night staying over. Give it time and just be understanding. Let him facetime his mum if he needs to...don't make her a taboo (sure you don't just giving advice) talk about her. Maybe ask him to bring a favourite picture of her and him to have by his bed so he knows she is with him?

But you sound lovely try not to worry!

I think you are doing all the right things. They hopefully feel “at home” with you, even if “home home” is with Mum. Probably in a similar sort of way as I feel at home at my parents house where I grew up, but if we’ve stayed overnight at Christmas or whatever I’m still happy to be back in my own home.
I first found MN as a new prospective step mother trying to get some understanding of DSDs position and her mother’s concerns etc. One piece of wisdom I took on board was to proceed expecting that one day DSD might live with us full time, because stuff happens.
She knows she has a home here (her name is on the door of the bedroom that was decorated to her specifications) but it’s still “dads house” and mums house is “home”. I think that’s ok.

No practical advice but just jumping on to say you sounds so lovely and such a considerate step parent :)

"Dad's house and home" is definitely ok.

You could mark their heights on the kitchen door frame as they grow?

Thanks everyone. The names on door was something big actually hadn't thought of and I think will be a nice gesture for them all. I also love the measuring of thier height, and think this is great!

Someone else mentioned to just ask them. Simple, yet obviously not that obvious as o haven't done that yet face palm

Thanks all :)

@Sleepdeprived42long

Off the top of my head-pictures of them round the house, their names on the door to their room, asking for their input when redecorating or choosing things for their room/the house. Anything that makes it feel like they been involved so they can have a sense of belonging.

Love these ideas.

Totally agree that 5 is still a baby bunny and it’s understandable he misses his mummy 🤗

But he’s lucky to have a SM who cares so much.

Don't know why but your thread has made me feel warm on the inside and that you give step mothers a good rep :) if my DD ever had a step parent, I'd hope they could be like you xxx

I think u sound lovely sure they will feel at home. Lots of good ideas only other one I can think if its maybe get the snacks they eat at mums. Love the names on the door idea.

I know your post isn't about "things", but I had to live with a family member for a while when I was little. She organised a comic to be delivered to me each week, and I absolutely loved that. I know there's three of them, but maybe every fortnight or something?

Another relative I lived with, I go there now, 15 years on, I still have my own mug in the cupboard which I always prefer to use.

And give them each their own wee jobs to do. Fish to feed, plants to water?

Own mug pp mentioned above made me think. My kids love having their own favourite character/colour plates, cups, cutlery. We have their artwork all over the house, photos by their beds. They love that. And I'd second the photo of mum in their bedroom, if you can. I know that helps my anxious boy taking a photo to school. If my kids ever have a step mum I hope they'd be someone like you. I'm sure the fact you care about them will help them settle in in time.

Toothbrushes and toiletries in the bathroom. Slippers at the door. Dressing gowns hang up in own bedroom. Broadly, minimise having to unpack or look things out specially.

As others have said, you sound lovely!
When we moved it was part of prep for my partner asking for 50/50 and we especially wanted to make his daughter feel that it was her home from the off (she was a young 5 at the time). Especially as our new place had to be half the size for us to be able to move into the area. The little things that went well:
We put breakfast stuff in a very accessible place for her so she could help herself (as a big girl) if she wanted. Turns out she still prefers to wait for one of us but sometimes (when extra hungry) she spontaneously sets the table :-)
We put bunk beds in her room and planted the seed in her head of sleepovers. Cue lots of planning to host!
We are chilled about playing mess and so over time she developed favourite places to play. And we don’t rush to erase her stuff between visits even through we are stuck for space. Her latest jigsaw that took her three hours is in the corner ready for her to continue admiring when she gets back, for example.
The comic in the post idea is great. Her gift subscription from an auntie ran out recently and she still looks hopefully at the post when she arrives. We should renew that.
Fun bath toys and nice bath stuff like someone above said.
Good consistent rhythms, routines, rules etc so it doesn’t feel like holiday mode at dad’s. Fun ordinary habits too like Friday night pizza/movie type of thing.
For the youngest - this was the age my DSD really got into soft toys. You could through play help the youngest find some closer friends among his soft toys that he really enjoys finding each time he comes. I found this happened through naming some, giving them a backstory, giving them naughty/cheeky personalities or super kind personalities !
Photos of everyone - definitely. Though those of Mum haven’t gone down well here. Its been a high conflict situation and I think she likes to compartmentalise a bit.it sounds like your setup is more calm!
It may always be ‘dad’s’ as their primary residence is at mums but over time it can feel like home.

I’m a step mum and these are the things I like to do / have great success.
• Always have the bed made & ready. You never know when they might need to just turn up.
• Make sure the bed is comfy!! (No one will ever look forward to sleeping on a crappy mattress)
• Clean & tidy space with toys easily accessible
• Kids snack box in the fridge - grab and go healthy snacks they know they can help themselves to without asking permission (in the younger years we had an AM & PM box but now DSS can be trusted not to eat pepperami for breakfast 🤣)
• Make bath time etc special with bath bombs and the like. Kids love this crap 🥴
• Have a special night, something to look forward to i.e. Takeaway Saturdays etc

Otherwise remind them when they don’t need to ask permission to go and play etc they will eventually stop (takes bloody forever)

Toys will build up over time - we actually find that DSS doesn’t play with much here, he does more reading & science/extreme crafts. Our house has a slower pace than at his DMs and much less chaotic. He definitely uses our house to ‘rest’ and therefore his needs are different here to there and we do our best to meet those needs. It’s definitely home from home. 😄

You do sound lovely indeed but I would say that the place will become home with time. Don't try to force it. They will feel do when they are ready. Just keep doing what you are but don't try to hard.

I remember making name plaques for my DSC's bedrooms (they were aged between 7-13 at the time). For each of them I found a picture of something they really liked (e.g. a computer game logo or a Disney character), added their name in a nice font, printed it off and laminated it. They were thrilled with them.

I agree with the other suggestions on this thread too. The main thing is constant gentle reassurance that they're ok to talk about their mum etc while they're with you. I found that it helped lessen the "them" and "us" between houses even though privately it was the last thing I wanted to talk about!