Need a rant - contact time constantly changing

[harryclr]

I just need a rant to like minded people!

I am extremely frustrated...my partner shares time 60/40 of his daughter with her BM. 60% us. Since early Dec she hasn't had her for the full weekend she is supposed to (we do every other weekend) not to mention over Christmas we had her for 12 out of 14 nights ...

I was waiting for a good time to sleep train my 8 month old and move him into his own room, so waited till this weekend as we'd have 4 day/nights where we can really focus as parents and do this together, anyone that has sleep trained knows it's a stressful, strict and very emotional process. I already hadn't felt the support from my partner as he didn't think baby was old enough (8months is advised as a really good age to do it) and thinks us getting sleep is more important ... errrr are you getting up 3-4 times a night to feed and settle a baby? No you're not! if 4-5 days of crying leads to sleeping through then it's worth it!!! Aaaaanyway, the weekend before last when SD was with her mum yet again we were asked to have her on the Sunday, I said fine of course but it's definitely not happening the next weekend because we are sleep training. Yesterday morning...typically...I get asked if we get SD on Saturday eve and have her all day/night Sunday then take to school on Monday (key workers) ...!!!!
Unbelievably typical...the ONE weekend I really wanted to just stick to the time it's supposed to be to focus on the baby, for once!
I think it's fair he 'asks' me but does anyone else think asking is really telling because as if you can ever say no!

I expressed it was frustrating and explained why etc, I think get called horrible, selfish blah blah - 'sometimes I have to have her more, you knew I had a daughter blah blah broken record' but it's not sometimes, it's all the time! I really don't think I ask for much when I just ask that plans are stuck to for the majority of the time, obviously there will be exceptions. For me, this was one exception but yet again my feelings are invalid.

Now I just feel crappy, stressed, anxious and I'm staying out of the way and focusing on the sleep training, on my own. Which I know is pissing him off.

Anyone else feel like crap and guilty when you just want to say no but you can't or you're the 'evil partner'?

This is the ONLY thing we ever argue about too but it just feels constant at the moment.

I know where youre coming from; I find it really difficult constantly having plans changed and (pre covid) I’d have plans made for months with family or friends then 2 days before things are changed with DSD so that our plans then have to change; my DH does ask me but unless it’s actually impossible to do then we always say yes and if we can’t have her then his parents will as “obviously” we can’t say no to her mum. For me it’s not so much about DSD but it’s about her mum being able to just mess with our plans and I have to accept it

@user1493413286

I know where youre coming from; I find it really difficult constantly having plans changed and (pre covid) I’d have plans made for months with family or friends then 2 days before things are changed with DSD so that our plans then have to change; my DH does ask me but unless it’s actually impossible to do then we always say yes and if we can’t have her then his parents will as “obviously” we can’t say no to her mum. For me it’s not so much about DSD but it’s about her mum being able to just mess with our plans and I have to accept it

Exactly that - but it does frustrate me that DP just allows it to happen all the time.

What else can we do except suck it up every time?

Get it officially changed from 60/40 to reflect reality and she'll have to pay child maintenance. That might make her stick to the schedule.

And remember that your DP already had children. They all sleep eventually, there's no need to rush the sleep training, but make your DP get up every 2nd time, then he might see the need.

In fact, he probably needs to do more so your baby learns to settle to sleep without a breastfeed, or bottle.

@harryclr it frustrates me that my DH just goes along with it. I say it quite a lot on this board but when I got together with my DH I understood that DSD would always come first and wouldn’t want it any other way but potentially naively I didn’t appreciate how much of an impact her mums decisions and behaviour would have on my life and now our DCs life

I think the Mum & your DP are being very inconsiderate as well as unreasonable. Not sure how old your step child is but seems unfair to chop / change for them too.. emergencies / last minute things occasionally fine but not all the time. My ex/his wife definitely wouldn't agree if I asked such things, not that I would dream of asking. I do get slightly annoyed when ex cancel though and I have to cancel my plans but I'm the RP so comes with the territory but I get your frustration. This forum has left me wondering if I am literally the only BM who actually sticks to the arrangements agreed with ex?

On the sleep training, I did it and I agree you defo need a clear weekend at least. That said, I wouldn't worry about timing, maybe consider shifting feeds around a bit instead or very slightly waking baby around 1am for a feed. I used to get a clear 5-6 hours doing this :-)

Thank you @Pinkyxx

He has actually been amazing, only waking up once around midnight for the first time ever!

Have had to endure lots of tears but it's definitely getting better already!

SD is 5yrs old, I think she prefers being here as it's a bit more fun, we have a car so can go places and the baby is entertaining, DP prefers her being with us too but I keep saying how important it is that she has a good relationship with her mum but yeh, she gets away with doing the minimum.

I've spent the whole day today out of the way and focusing on the baby training he has been with her all day I've hardly seen him. When this is something as parents we were supposed to do together, just frustrating.

OP, try to look at it from his perspective. Right now, you have your son all of the time. He would probably like to have his daughter all of the time; so saying yes to all of the extra time is still having less time with his daughter than he would like.
As to sleep training, do you plan to have other children? Will you not be able to sleep train your second or subsequent children because of the presence of your first child?

When we become parents , flexibility is one of the attributes that we need to possess.

If your husband wants his daughter and is willing and capable of being flexible, you may need to have plan Be and work arounds. Plan Be and work arounds may not be your preference, but it will be a way to maintain your sanity and accomplish the things that you to accomplish.
Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself " do you want to be right, or do you want to get things done?"

You’re getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop, OP.

If you can think of the last half dozen examples of him putting ex first then do point these out. If not, then keep a note somewhere and then share the examples to illustrate the frequency he’s skewing his support.

I totally agree with PP who suggested you formalise custody/contact and advise ex of her need to pay maintenance. This will focus minds all round.

Why does DSD’s mum keep dropping contact? It seems a strange thing to do regularly, especially over so such a long time at Christmas.

Ps I understand why you want to have a clear run at sleep training but suggest you don’t wait if DP keeps messing you around. Share the joy! 😁

@MeridianB I'm.wondering the same thing, why does the mother keep dropping contact? I honestly could never imagine being happy my kids spend 60% of their time with their father and step mother and then on MY days i still can't see them. Not having a go at you OP, I would hate to be in your situation I just can't understand some women at all.

She says it's because of her work...they keep messing up the rotar , week after week it seems...she's on her own and has to pay for a house etc so i know it couldn't be easy but still, she's not the best mother but I know she suffers from stress and depression occasionally so it is difficult

Just focus on your sleep training and don't engage with his drama certainly do not do any childcare for him if she never tells her workplace no they will continue to "mess up" the rota

Anyone else feel like crap and guilty when you just want to say no but you can't or you're the 'evil partner'?

This is the crux of the problem. I am never "evil" for saying no, or for anything else, it's astounding to me that anyone would accept their partners having that sort of attitude about them.

It's shocking that he calls you evil for not wanting her to come and then proceeds to not help with your joint child when she is there, OP.

The one thing I would suggest is when my SS is here, I always have a lie in, and DP looks after SS and DD. The reason being that he has no choice but to get up anyway to look after SS so he might as well use those days to let me catch up on some sleep. I also find being around SS very overbearing during lockdown as there's no escape from it, so it helps in that regard because the days aren't as long.

Given that you are attempting sleep training, I would put this suggestion to him, so he is at least helping the process in the morning. If he says no to that, then he is not worthy of you frankly. He has two children and is equally responsible for spending time with both of them.

What you have described is unfortunately part and parcel with getting into a relationship with someone who allready has had children before. There is not alot you can do apart from just accept that is the way it is. Alot of people don't realise how much of a hassle it is until it's to late and they are emotionally involved with their partner so just put up with it.

@jimmyjammy001

What you have described is unfortunately part and parcel with getting into a relationship with someone who allready has had children before. There is not alot you can do apart from just accept that is the way it is. Alot of people don't realise how much of a hassle it is until it's to late and they are emotionally involved with their partner so just put up with it.

No, it's really not. Not if, like me, you have a partner who is able to put boundaries in place with his ex with regard to agreed contact, and who recognises the times when his partner and other child might need to be temporarily prioritised (at least some of the time). OP's partner doesn't sound able to do this, unfortunately. That doesn't mean you just "accept it".

@LouJ85 agree 100% my partner has put us all first at times including just me and just me and our son, then at times his other children dependent on situations

What stands out here is that your partner is not putting his child first, as people unhelpfully keep suggesting - he is putting his ex’s requirements over his partners.

If his child had need to stay certain nights of the week for let’s say, an activity / hobby then it would be prioritising her needs. If for instance she wanted to stay more often purely because she preferred being with dad and she vocalised that, then that would also be prioritising her needs. Those are legit examples of times where as a SP you do have to somewhat suck it up.

But in this instance the OP is being made out to be evil or selfish or unreasonable because she is objecting to the EXW chopping and changing. She is not objecting to the child.
She is objecting to their being no boundaries the EXW can’t push against or remove and more so she is objecting to the fact that she is not seemingly allowed to be miffed that he won’t ever say “no” to EXW.

The reality is if you don’t live with your kids and you choose to live with someone else then you have to balance both of these needs. You cannot expect your partner to blindly accept all your decisions.

As much as people say “you know what you got into” to the step parent - you can say the same to the parent.
You knew you had kids and if you weren’t willing to consider anyone else’s needs then you should have tried harder with the mum or stay single!