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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Birthday Celebrations - to include or not

22 replies

Rainbow00 · 27/01/2021 19:23

So it’s my 40th birthday soon and long and short of it is, id rather not have my step-children (age 11&9) there on the day. Since I’ve been with their Dad (8years) they (or their Mum) have caused many problems, between us and for the family (police, court, arguments etc etc) There’s more to it but basically do you think I’m being horrible not wanting them there?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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MyGodImSoYoung · 27/01/2021 19:28

Depends; are they due to be with you on the day with how contact falls?

Personally, I wouldn't specifically invite them over if they aren't due. But if they are due per usual contact, then I don't think it would be right to cancel them. If you really don't want to do your big celebrations with them, do it on a day you don't have them. We always extend events over different days with different people xx

Original poster

Rainbow00 · 27/01/2021 19:31

Yes and no. Normal week access they wouldn’t be with us but as it’s a holiday then they maybe they will. My Husband thinks I’m being horrible, which I suppose yes maybe I am but with everything that’s going on it’s not going to be great big celebrations but I would just like it to be about me for the day!!

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 27/01/2021 19:49

So will they be at yours on your actual birthday? If contact is a bit uncertain at the moment, can contact be arranged so that they’ll be with you on different days that don’t include your birthday?
Like you say you won’t be doing anything major anyway. You just want an easy going day on your own 40th birthday. Don’t blame you! Your DH is being a bit ridiculous saying you’re horrible for that.

Zelda93 · 27/01/2021 19:53

It's your day so you have who you want at home.. I personally wouldn't have my dsd on my birthday and my husband would be fine with that and rearrange childcare if necessary.. but that's us

Youseethethingis · 27/01/2021 20:31

I think a lot of parents would have a child free birthday if they could! My DS went to my parents overnight for my birthday last weekend and it was great.
Now, if I can want a bit of peace from the sunshine of my life in favour of relaxing and pleasuring myself on my birthday, I don’t see why you are horrible for wanting peace from two kids who aren’t yours who have caused a lot of stress in your life.

Youseethethingis · 27/01/2021 20:32

Just laughed out loud at my pleasuring myself on my birthday
Please myself! DH took care of the rest

Original poster

Rainbow00 · 27/01/2021 20:51

Yeah I did wonder ‘pleasuring’ I suppose each to their own and all that!!!

The thing is I’ve got 2 adult kids (24&18) and they possibly will be around for some or most of it and he doesn’t understand why I would want my ‘older’ kids around but not the young two. Just unfortunately the past relationship hasn’t been great and I just know from their behaviour they would want it to be about them on the day. It’s hard as I’m not a horrible person just being honest and human I don’t know really what to do for the best

OP posts:

MyGodImSoYoung · 27/01/2021 21:10

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't really want to spend my birthday with my DSC either! I just wondered whether it would be more hassle to cancel and whether your DP would give you grief.

I'm not a parent myself and seeing others say they would also get their own DCs babysat for the day makes me think maybe it should be okay for you to rearrange.

I'm in the UK so couldn't actually do anything to celebrate at the moment. I suppose the company of the DSCs would actually be something to do!

ihavenowords30 · 27/01/2021 21:27

Unless my birthday happens to fall on a contact day my SKs don't come over, last week it was my child's 3rd birthday as as there's was nothing happening due to lockdown they didn't come to that either just see a pointless if there's not a event or something to be a part of

Tigertealeaves · 27/01/2021 21:48

When it comes to mine, DP's or his ex's birthday, the DSC go to the other household and give them some adult fun time! Nothing wrong with that. On DSC's birthdays we shuffle things around to suit them too.

Now we have DD, as soon as "normal" times are back ill be looking for a birthday evening babysitter too

Frankola · 27/01/2021 21:58

It's your birthday. If you don't want them there don't have them there. Your DP needs to understand that.

Iwonder08 · 27/01/2021 22:33

It is your birthday. It is your decision who to have around that day. You will feel more relaxed without them given the previous background.. It is a shame your DH feels this way but this is your decision

user1493413286 · 28/01/2021 06:44

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the day without them; it’s not like you’re having a party and not inviting them. At their ages the day would end up being about looking after them rather than you doing what you want.

dontdisturbmenow · 28/01/2021 10:03

You do what you want but need to accept it gives them ammunition to tell themselves and others that you don't like them and don't want them around.

Witchymclovely · 29/01/2021 19:16

It’s your day. Who cares if it is their weekend you can have flexibility. I get rid of mine on Mother’s Day, my birthday, Easter if I can manage it and Xmas too if I try really hard. Does that put it in perspective for you.

Kimbo180 · 30/01/2021 01:05

To me personally it depends on what type of relastionship you have with them. When it was my 40th id if loving my lil sidekick there but she was only 5 at the time. But its up to you what way u feel.

RedMarauder · 30/01/2021 09:44

If it is a designated contact day is there a relation or close friend of his who can take them to have "fun" without you all there?

If the mother and the kids are known troublemakers rearranging a designated contact day will cause more conflict in future. However arranging for someone else to have "fun" with them for the day would be the easiest way to work around this.

marshmallowfluffy · 30/01/2021 13:23

It wouldn't be mean to celebrate without them if they weren't due to come round. I would probably have cake on offer the next time that they came round though.

I think a lot of parents celebrate with their kids but also just their spouse later (pre Corona that would mean a meal out, go away for the weekend...)

LatentPhase · 30/01/2021 15:22

In these circs, are you horrible for not wanting them around? Nope

But the ‘dsc’ are probably not the issue. I’m sure the ‘more to this’ part, is more likely to be the adults and their boundaries (lack of) and behaviours.

And your DH would be unreasonable to say this makes you ‘horrible’.

jimmyjammy001 · 01/02/2021 10:38

Unfortunately your partner and his children come as a package, he obviously wants them there, it sounds like they have caused many problems for you, I would think about the relationship and is it really worth the hassle/Sacrifices

NotMyPremium · 01/02/2021 22:10

Is your DH forced to spend his birthdays with your children? Bet he isn't.

It's your day so your choice. Having a milestone birthday with 2 kids that aren't yours when yours are grown anyway does not sound like fun, or about you.

I have a milestone birthday coming up and mine will be with their dad.

Lackofsleep123 · 07/02/2021 09:02

I’m trying to change contact weekend so there’s no DSC on my birthday lol. Weekends run into contact weekdays. Want my birthday to be stress free and don’t fancy dealing with wet beds, soiled pants and extra washing just for for one day.

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