Accusations

[ihavenowords30]

Ill keep this short... my eldest SS is 17 and in the middle of his college year, he's doing a maths and science course which is very difficult but he's doing really well!

Nowt partner works nights and always has, so for as long as we've been together I have always said the kids are welcome to stay whenever but he has to be here as they are not my responsibility overnight alone and if fairness he has always agreed ana it's never been an issue with us, BM has asked several times that I keep them but it's been a no if OH isn't home.

Fast forward to this year oldest SS come and says he's struggling to work midweek at home because there are 6 other children there and also a stepfather working from home so he asked if he could come here a few days every other week to help him as it's only me here working from home alone.

Originally I said no for the aforementioned reasons (I should state here that their parents so not get on at all and it's very tense so another reason I didn't want to be in the middle of childcare) my OH Quite rightly was upset with me because he felt he couldn't turn down his sons request when it's affecting his education... after a few days I agreed he could come every other week for a few days.

Too cut a long story short it's actually been great, we get ok but don't need to be in each other's pockets, I can hear him enjoying his lectures and sometimes we'll watch a film when dads gone to work sometimes we'll be In different rooms all nights etc. I'm happy and have said it can continue throughout the year if needed as we are getting on well and it's positive for his future plus I realised I was a bit selfish before.

However now BM is sending accusations that why do I want to encourage and spend alone time with year 17 year old son!! Now my previous partner was a lot younger than me (not 17!!!) so she is basically saying I'm grooming her son by buying in his favourite dinners and making him coffees when I do me one! I'm shocked and my partner finds it funny whereas I don't at all, what should I do?

I'll mention I that my work can be affected if anything more serious come to light here 🙄

I wouldn't be happy with my partner finding it funny.
I would expect my partner to back me up.

Your husband needs to deal with the ex partner.

Your SS is nearly grown up and your relationship with him will change. He doesn't need you to mother him. So it sounds very normal to me. I am glad for his sake it works to support his education. But husband definitely needs to resolve the issue. Who does she message? If it's your husband then you can ask him not to tell you about these messages as they upset you.

You don't do anything. Just ignore her. She's more likely to stop if she doesn't get any feedback. DSS is 17; you don't have to have any kind of relationship with her. Keep doing what you're doing; don't let her ruin your relationship with your DSS.

Well done for developing such a positive relationship with your SS! It says a lot that he chooses to be at your house for some peace! Your OH needs to deal with BM, those comments are absolutely not acceptable. She's probably feeling a bit jealous that he's choosing to spend time at yours but it needs to be nipped in the bud now. Let OH know how serious these insinuations are for you and make sure he speaks to BM about it

Why has your OH's ex got your phone number?

Block her.

She has no reason to have your number as you don't have parental responsibility for any of their children plus the children are clearly old enough to tell you their wishes themselves.

Tell your OH to speak to his ex. First she should stop messaging you as you aren't their children's parent and secondly she should stop talking rubbish.

I would be very unhappy with your husband's reaction. I would stop this arrangement and force your husband to explain to his son why, I.e his mum is concerned about inappropriate relationships. The boy is not a child anymore and should be made aware

I think you are being too apologetic. It wasn't selfish of you to not want to do it before and it is kind of you to allow it now. Make it clear your partner needs to take the situation seriously and you're not going to do it anymore if there's any chance of her doing something that implicates your work.

She may be just trying to lash out because she is hurt that he doesn't want to be at hers, in which case you can basically just ignore her, but if there is any chance of her actually being batshit enough to act on her accusations then you need to step right back and prioritise protecting yourself.

I would be very unhappy with your husband's reaction. I would stop this arrangement and force your husband to explain to his son why, I.e his mum is concerned about inappropriate relationships. The boy is not a child anymore and should be made aware

Why should the DSS pay for his mother's behaviour? This would be completely unfair.

I’m not surprised you were so hesitant for him to stay when DH was working with what the mother sounds like. DH needs to deal with it as it’s a horrible accusation. However don’t be put off with what you are doing. It sounds like DSS is a lovely young man working hard and your house is where he needs to be.

I would be very unconformable with spending time alone with a child where there were any suggestions of an inappropriate relationship. I would not put myself in that position and would not allow DSS round. Not as a punishment to him but because I would want to protect myself from what is a very serious allegation.

Thank you all, she hasn't texted me but has said these odd things to mutual family and also the two other children. My partner knows is ridiculous and his way of dealing with her is give her no reaction which I get but you guys are right I actually need him to address this and call her out because I'm helping her son!

He's normally very quiet but I've kind of found out that 1 on 1 he comes out his shell more so I have no doubt it's beneficial for him to have a break from a very busy household with 3 younger children and 2 other teens for his work and maybe just in general.

I know he knows about the odd things she is saying and is very embarrassed about it as I am to be honest! She did text my partner and ask why we don't have a lock on out bathroom door for or privacy etc as he mentioned to her that I walked in on him in the shower which I 100% never did we always knock and can hear the shower for gods sake!

I guess she might be feeling jealous but he's only staying 2 / 3 night more than the others it's not as if he's moving in. I've been around since he was 12 also so although I don't see him as my son it's bloody mortifying to have anything untoward suggested.

I'm going to ask my partner to speak to her this weekend I think and he they can't the next things she says or does I might ask to speak to her myself.

I've got 16 year old GS staying with me, it sounds very similar, I can hear his lessons on line, I spoil him a bit buy treats and so on, we watch films together, he's had me watching some of his favourite films and the US version of The Office.

His mother doesn't make allegations but she moans that I spoil him. I've always said granny's house granny's rules so if she wants me to have him here to supervise due to her shifts she has to put up with it. A bit of spoiling won't hurt and I'm not going to change or apologise.

Your husband's ex has a problem, I'd just ignore her.

does I might ask to speak to her myself.

Don't speak to her yourself as she will stir even more.

I think he needs to address this via email so there is a record of what has been reported to you to have been said by her to others.

Unbelievable how low some people can stoop!!

know he knows about the odd things she is saying and is very embarrassed about it as I am to be honest! She did text my partner and ask why we don't have a lock on out bathroom door for or privacy etc as he mentioned to her that I walked in on him in the shower which I 100% never did we always knock and can hear the shower for gods sake!
@ihavenowords30 if he's so embarrassed why did he tell his dm you'd walked in on him in the shower, especially given it's not true?
Maybe I've misread your paragraph but if I haven't then maybe he's s**t stirring himself?