Is there anything I can do here?

[BloodyNintendo]

NC'd for this but regular poster.
Really looking for some advice, although I think it may be just to let it go, which I agree with to an extent.

I have four step kids, we have them 40% of the time.
I work full time in the police on a child protection team.
DSS9 has some SEN. He is an adorable boy who I have a great relationship with.
For his birthday his mum got him a Nintendo Switch. After a few months of him having it he was talking about something he had watched which said the N word. We were shocked as had assumed, probably wrongly, that she would have put parental controls on. So we put controls on the Switch. DH talked to her about it and she said she hadn't because she didn't know how to.
As part of me putting controls on, there's an app I have that shows what he's been on, how long for etc.
I totally forgot about this app until this morning when I got a notification. Looked on it and for the last two weeks he's been averaging between 9-11 hours a day while at hers. I thought it might just be that he left it on and thats whats totting up the hours, but it shows exactly what he's been on and for how long (Yesterday YouTube was 8 hours and Fortnite 3 hours)

He struggles at school and we had a lot of issues trying to get him into it last time. We had them all full time in the last lockdown and juggled homeschooling with working, but we managed to get at least about 4 hours done a day, often more. We both work. Their mum doesn't work and never has, its unlikely to change even now they are all school age.

There's nothing I can do is there? DH has already brought it up with her a few months back as his app was showing 13 hours one day, although this was before home schooling etc. He approached it in a 'Shall we put some time restrictions on screen time?' (Even though when here they have no screens except the two older ones have an xbox they play sometimes). She didn't reply to him.

I'm genuinely so worried about him. I'm happy to do some work with him when he's with us but as its always the evenings and weekends, DSS says its not his 'school time'.

I also resent the fact that unreally shouldn't have to, considering both DH and I work, but I would make it work if needed. DH would too. She would be fine with this, as she was when we had them full time last lockdown. She has said we can have them as much as we want so long as the CMS stays the same. So that is an option, even if we just have DSS.

As I said, DH has bought it up with her before but she just ignored him. That was when they were still in school though tbf.

Should I suggest we have DSS? Or just let it go?

I hope this post comes across right. I know everyone has different parenting styles, I just really am so worried about the impact this is having on him and I care about him a lot.

I don't know what the options would be, but I totally agree that that's way too much gaming time.

Is the CMS and living arrangements court ordered or just agreed between them?

Thank you @Butterymuffin
Its not court ordered yet, DH has contacted a solicitor to get them made formal. But no, at the moment they are on an informal arrangement.

That would break my heart too. But as a stepparent I’ve had to learn that I can’t care more about something than the actual parents - frustration lies there. It’s for your partner to work out if he wants to step forward and offer to bring up his child. What does he think?

Thank you @Notcrackersyet I agree its so sad.
Love what you say about caring about something more than the parents, I'll remember that!

DH is going to talk to SS tonight.

I just don't understand it.

If the talk doesn't work I would personally find some way of ensuring the Switch goes missing for a few days preferably when you are both working so you aren't able to "have the time" to search for it".

@RedMarauder tempting!! I'm not sure how that would go down with DSS though and she would definitely kick off. She's very possessive of things she thinks should stay at hers and doesn't let them bring them here.

Sod DSS as it is for his benefit.

If she has a go at you when you are both working long hours, then your DH needs point out that "D"SS shouldn't bring the bloody thing into your house if he can't look after it properly.

We're in a very similar situation OP, abeit with DSD's and their phones rather than a switch. We have them 50/50 and while at their DM's - we find they're spending 8+ hours a day on their phones, and even when bringing it up with her, it continued. I'm not sure if this is achievable with a Nintendo Switch but my DH has managed to get parental control and "lock down" the devices from afar and set it so it auto does this everyday. So they essentially can't access things before a set time, it shuts off at 9pm and once they hit say 3 hours on YouTube, or Instagram - it won't let them on it anymore unless they request additional time and it's approved. Might be worth seeing if this functionality can be done on something like the switch?!

www.nintendo.com/switch/parental-controls/

This might help

I completely agree with @Notcrackersyet. I had to learn that if there mum doesn't care about them never changing their underwear, or ever brushing their teeth, or them sleeping on bare mattresses, or the fact that they are depressed(and neither did social services or the school) then why was I making myself ill worrying about it? I cannot change it. All I can do is be a good role model who loves them when they are here with me, which thankfully is a lot. I can’t lay awake at night when their own mum doesn’t .

It seems like you encourage time off the screens when they are with you. Do some fun activities to keep his brain active.

You say you only remembered you had this app this morning, then a couple of paragraphs later say that your dh already Brough it up with his mum a few months ago because the app was showing 14 hours a day. That's confusing.

@cherrytreecottage I can do that from my app, set a time limit.
I just know all hell will break lose with her and she will say we are interfering on her time. We could do it with just a few clicks but she will absolutely lose her mind. She already tried to break the pin numerous times

My ds got his Switch at 10. Not sure of your control settings but ds's has a bedtime end option. Maybe add that (make it seem dh's suggestion!) and at least you know he won't be on it late. Fortnite is quite addictive as you can now see. Maybe some research for dh could prompt him to make better choices for his ds... Then you may have evidence to tell ex why it is now restricted....

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I forgot in the time between then and now, is that okay? Funny thing of all the things I say to pick up on.

@stormbaby - oh we do loads when they're here, board games, walks, quizzes, toys. I guess that's all I can do? I'm just so worried about him sliding back. He's a sensitive soul and regresses quickly.

@Santaiscovidfree sorry should have said, DH has done all that. Sent her numerous links about the damage too much screentime does, especially Fortnite. She just didn't reply.
This was before they were meant to be doing schoolwork at hers though.

I won't be putting time limits on it remotely. I just know it'll all kick off.

When he comes to yours, his DF can show him the stats of how long and what games he’s been on, and then point out that as he was playing during school time, he can do his learning during his ‘play’ time.

@soontobe60 thats actually a good shout.

If DSS comes to yours and doesn't want to do school work in the evenings and weekends then show him the data from the app and say that if he is going to game during ‘school time’ he will have to make it up in the evenings and weekends...his choice.

I feel for you same issue here, but both dh and exw have no issue with it. Kids on screens from 7am all day till 7pm. Its appalling and I hate it but dp has made it very clear he likes them and won't support me.
I've told him our joint ds will. Not be doing this and it will be for a max of 1 hour school nights and 3 hours at weekends when he's old enough as I hate it.

Put on the restrictions when he comes to yours then just forget to take them off

@emma8t4 that could work, but she doesn't let him bring it to ours. Maybe we could ask him to bring it one time??

I do fully appreciate why you are worried and upset. My ex put controls on one of the children's ipads.

He doesn't have the children over night and sporadically has them for a few hours here and there. This was first lock down. He set it up as it was a present from Both of us.

I was working and home schooling the eldest (asd) set on line lessons Youngest needed to entertain herself. I support my elderly parents as well. And she did watch far too much screen time. But what else was there to do. She did school work with me. A craft helped to cook and got out once a day. I was doing the best I could and that meant screens.

I do appreciate this is a different situation. But I was angry that he felt he could dictate how I parent and make an already difficult situation much harder. Fortunately for me it broke and had to be replaced.

I'd be wary of the accuracy of some of these apps as I tried one myself and it showed usage whilst I know it wasn't.

Also perhaps check with the school. If he is engaged and learning with homeschooling then it would suggest the app info is not correct.

@RedMarauder

If the talk doesn't work I would personally find some way of ensuring the Switch goes missing for a few days preferably when you are both working so you aren't able to "have the time" to search for it".

Yesterday 10:35 RedMarauder

Sod DSS as it is for his benefit.

If she has a go at you when you are both working long hours, then your DH needs point out that "D"SS shouldn't bring the bloody thing into your house if he can't look after it properly.

1. Why have you written “D”SS? None of this is his fault, it’s his mother who’s letting him down.

1. You’re suggesting that OP deliberately hides the Switch & when DSS’ mother asks about it, you’re telling her to put the blame on DSS & say it’s his fault for not looking after it properly? You’re advocating deliberately getting DSS into trouble with his mother when he’s done nothing wrong?

What’s wrong with you?

Don't worry @OnlyFoolsAndFuckers I won't be doing that, he'd be so upset.