Toddler doesn’t want to visit

[GrenoGirl]

DP and I get to see DSS three days every two weeks (Friday evening to Monday evening). It’s always gone pretty smoothly, DSS has always been excited to visit us to the point that he has been dropped off early as he just couldn’t wait. I’ve always had a really good relationship with DSS having known him since he was only a few weeks old (he’s 4 now) and he has always got on well with his 2 year old brother (my child with DP).

Recently, however, he doesn’t want to see us. One visit, it got to Saturday lunchtime and he just said he wanted to go home (no tears) and kept saying it so DP ended up dropping off early. After that he has been adamant he doesn’t want to see us, won’t speak with us on the phone/FaceTime and when he is here then he just says he doesn’t want to be. Handovers are horrible as he gets so upset saying that he wants his mum to pick him up.

The other thing he’s started saying all the time is that I’m not his mum, that I’m his brothers mum. I explained that I’m his step-mum because I’m married to daddy and I love DSS. It’s getting more frequent though, whenever it’s just the two of us and we’re doing something like painting then he just suddenly looks at me and tells me that I’m not his mummy.

Nothing has changed in our home, set up, etc. so I’m at a bit of a loss as it’s completely out of the blue. Has anyone else had experience of this...is it a phase he’ll grow out of?

We’ve still been having him visit and haven’t dropped him off earlier than that one time. I don’t think a 4 year old should decide whether or not to have a relationship with their father or call the shots as to how that should be. I know it sounds harsh given the circumstances.

Any advice welcome!

It's a phase. I remember going through it myself at the same age with my SM. I remember telling my dad I didn't love him and wanted to go home. I still feel guilty! Toddlers can't express themselves. Their emotions take over and are confusing. He's old enough to realise you're a sort of replacement mum and it's confusing for him. It'll pass. Don't let him dictate the relationship. "You're not my mum" - "no. But I still love you. Shall we have some crisps..."

Must be confusing at that age, having a brother who has a different mammy and lives with his daddy. I suspect he's maybe been talking about who is in his family unit at school. I know DS who is 4 had to showcase a picture of his family and talk about us. I do have to say a toddler is 2-3 4years is school age and not a toddler.

Sorry, I know...realised after I’d posted it but wanted to explain early on how young of an age he is. If I put child then I thought people would think 11 year old mini teenager stuff!

Thank you for your replies....I’m just worried about doing the wrong thing and making things worse long term!

Sounds like a phase. Lots of reassurance and given his age, some blatant distraction techniques to make changeover evening more smooth eg if he loves tv then a film night w popcorn. At this age we always had a ‘surprise’. When my partner picked up her daughter she was always a bit disoriented (thanks to mum) and it kind of developed that she asked ‘what’s the surprise?’ In general the surprise was pretty low-key but she got distracted guessing what it was and forgot her troubles. Lovebombing reassures. ‘Im so happy you’re here - we have a great weekend planned with you’. That kind of thing. I also used to tell my DSD that ‘I’m not your mum but I love you like a mum loves her little girl’. That seemed to work.
Hopefully you’ll eventually work out what has shifted but in the meantime you can reassure him that he’s a loved wanted needed part of the family.