Seriously need some advice cause I’m at a total loss

[Dominofx258]

So when my now wife and I first got together she had a 5 year old from a previous relationship how had passed away two years before we met. In the beginning I honestly felt lucky that I didn’t have to deal with the whole co-parenting with some guy that was bound to dislike me on a deep personal level. I mean I don’t wish for any child to lose a parent but the hand was already dealt I was just playing it out. So that was 3 years ago and now we’re married and just welcomed a baby boy in may 2020, I love and adore him. But ever since then our now 7 year old has been becoming more and more defiant particularly towards me, when before he was excited to call me mom2 and wanted to change his name. But now he’s taken to making a point to not come to me for anything and to ask the I get “his mom”. I will admit that I tend to be more of the authority in the house, I invoke bedtimes and other things that create structure, which I know he’s never really had. See my wife and I for that matter are in recovery, she was abusing drugs for the first 3 years of his life and he lived with his grandparents. That’s actually how his dad died. But because of that my wife tends to be more lenient and accommodating out of a sense of guilt. I just don’t believe that in doing that we’re doing him any favors, now I’m not mean or unfair I just want him to have a sense of structure and boundaries. Another thing my wife has perpetuated is creating this version of his dad that is far more idyllic and fantasy than the reality of who he was and what part he played in his life when he was alive. So our son (I’m gonna call him Nathan) has this perfect idea of a dad that all he knows is that he’s missing out on.

Anyways now since we had a baby Nathan has been saying that when (I’m gonna call the baby Zach) Zach is 7 he will tell him that his dad is dead too. I’m scared of this new attitude that Nathan is developing, I’m scared of playing a seed in Zachs mind that he is missing something, and ultimately I’m scared that I won’t be enough. My wife thinks that there isn’t any harm in allowing Nathan to see things that way, that we should be accommodating to his insecurities right now. I’m scared that Zach will grow up feeling like he’s missing something because he was told that he should have a dad and doesn’t but She just doesn’t understand how it feels to not be the biological parent, that it comes with a deep rooted insecurity that I’m the optional component in the family equation. I love my kids both of them, I just don’t know how to help Nathan to focus less on what is “missing” and more on what isn’t.

And someone please tell me if I’m wrong but I don’t think that fueling the fantasy of who his dad was is helping anything. I mean of course honor his memory but feeding the idea of perfection seems to me to be leading to unrealistic expectations of what parents are and how the family functions. Also he is under impression that if he were still alive they would be a family when in reality they were broken up long before he died, that honestly really bothers me on a personal mildly selfish level but that’s a rant for another day. I know that I can never replace Nathan’s dad but I can a do love Nathan as my child. I guess on some level I don’t like the idea of catering to the idea of making Nathan and Zachs situations the same to make Nathan more comfortable, because they aren’t. I want Zach to grow up knowing that he has two parents who love and adore him and there is no dad, there never was. Nathan lost something that can’t ever be replaced I just don’t think a good solution is to create a scar just to match Nathan’s.

Bottom line I need advice on what to do and also some perspective, an I being unreasonable?

I'm sorry I can't offer specific advice as to how to deal with this practically but you're not being unreasonable and you definitely have a DW problem. I'm guessing she feels guilty about the past and by minimising the dad's drug use etc she's minimising her own as well. To acknowledge how bad things were would be to acknowledge her own failings during that time and it doesn't sound as if she's ready to do that.

I'll be honest I wouldn't know how to tackle that other than being prepared to separate from her unless she seeks help? But appreciate that's not the desired outcome. Hopefully you'll get some replies that can offer some practical advice.

Hmm it doesn't sound like your DP is supporting you in your role very much, which is unfair given the amount you have taken on for her.

It's tricky because ideally these things would have been ironed out before you had a child together, because at that point you should both have equal say on things that affect both of the children and you need to be on the same page.

You shouldn't have to pretend something that isn't true about their parentage to your own child, and in terms of discipline, rules should be the same for both of them meaning either they both have boundaries or neither of them do (obviously not a good option) and your partner really should have anticipated that discussion when you had your DS.

All I can really advise is that you have that discussion with her now.

You are not going to be able to solve this with some well-meaning Mumsnet advice - you need deep, therapeutic family support.

Firstly, congratulations to both of you on your recoveries, that's a massive achievement. But the consequences of your wife's addiction are going to run deep for this wee boy:

He's 7 and he lost his mum to drugs for three years.
He then moves back in with his mum, and his dad dies.
She then meets and moves in with you.
You have a new baby.

However you look at this, there are going to be some very deep attachment and emotional difficulties here and you need help to solve some of them, as well as consistent parenting. I actually think you both are on the right lines, but should probably meet somewhere in the middle in terms of structure and love. He needs both of these things.

Winston's Wish is great for bereaved children, ask you SW or GP or school to refer you for family counselling, read up on attachment theory.

On your immediate concerns: I don't think there's any point worrying about what a 7 year old will say or do in 7 years: when he talks about saying that you've died then just give him a hug and say 'well I still plan to be here for you both in 7 years' and direct him onto something else. In terms of mythologising his dead dad - what do you want your wife to say? I think a little bit of mythology is probably going to be easier than the truth, to be honest.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett I think OP is female. Hence the SC planning on telling his brother that his dad died.

OP, I agree that the only way through all of this is counselling. There is absolutely no way that your wife should be going along with this idea.

It needs addressed now while your baby is young enough not to be impacted.

@excelledyourself - ah, I see. That makes more sense in terms of what DC1 is thinking - he wants the baby to be 'the same as me'. Again, though a perfectly natural way for a traumatised 7 yo to think...

I don't think there is anything wrong with your eldest being brought up to think his dad loved him and would have been proud of him, but your partner cannot allow your youngest to feel he is missing out by having two mums.

He is lucky to have two parents who love him. I would make sure to talk about how different families can look and how no one setup is better than another.

Your eldest should probably have therapy throughout their childhood, he has had an incredibly traumatic start to life. Your partner needs guidance as it sounds like she is at risk of doing emotional damage to him in her approach.

I realize that was a really specific example I’m not immediately concerned about what might be said when he’s 14 I’m worried over all about feeding that particular delusion for no reason other than to give him a false sense of being the same