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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sympathy card?

22 replies

AandD · 13/01/2021 20:37

Hello, I’m a mum of 5, and a step mum to 2. My stepchildren’s mother passed away, and I’m wondering whether I should give them a sympathy card on the anniversary of their mother’s death? I want to be kind, but I don’t know if my partner will think I’m being a hypocrite, as me and his ex didn’t get on, and she made my life hell. I don’t know if giving a card on the anniversary is the right thing to do, this will be the 3rd anniversary, but we only all moved into a house together last March. I don’t know what to do for the best! 😕

OP posts:

allthesharks · 13/01/2021 20:41

I'm not sure about a card but I would maybe ask them if there's anything specific they would like to do on that day (I know there's not much you can do outside at the moment) or a special meal they would like. That would show them that you're thinking of them and considering their feelings so they don't feel as though they have to put on any pretence that day. Even if they decline the offer, I'm sure it will still mean something to them that you considered them.

Timeforabiscuit · 13/01/2021 20:43

How old are the children, and do you get on well with them?

A card seems a bit formal, but if you want to send a card send one, but I'd add a bit of a note inside to say that they are in your thoughts at a tough time.

ParkheadParadise · 13/01/2021 20:51

I don't think I would give a card on the 3rd anniversary(if I hadn't bothered before)
Personally, I find anniversaries hard.
Probably best to ask them what they would like to do.
It's nice of you to think about them AandD

DartmoorChef · 13/01/2021 20:53

I thought sympathy cards were only sent at the time of death, not anniversaries.

I wouldn't do it, especially as you didn't get on.

ParkheadParadise · 13/01/2021 20:58

@DartmoorChef
You get sympathy cards for anniversaries. I've received them in the past, it's a nice keepsake.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 21:00

No I wouldn’t.

Original poster

AandD · 13/01/2021 21:36

Thank you very much, I don’t think I will then. Thank you so much for your replies. The boy is 14 next month, and pretty easy going, and the girl is 9, and has been having a few meltdowns lately, and Dad is the only one she wants. I will see if they want to do something that day. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Teardrop2021 · 13/01/2021 21:38

Are they accessing Counselling? It must be hard living with an additional 5 people full time and losing their mother. It sounds like the youngest is having an tuff time.

Original poster

AandD · 14/01/2021 11:14

They both stopped counselling, as they didn’t want to go anymore, but I’ve said to my fiancé that I think the daughter really does need to go. My eldest 2 don’t live here, but his daughter has to share a bedroom with my daughter who is 13, which isn’t ideal! The youngest 2 that are mine and my fiancé’s, are almost 4, and 2, and they’re still sharing a room downstairs with us at the moment, the youngest is still breastfeeding and co sleeping. They will have the big room upstairs shortly, and his eldest son has the other room. We really needed a 5 bedroom house, but we had to make do!

OP posts:

PenguinUnit · 14/01/2021 12:33

I would ask if they wanted to do anything specific that day to remember their mum by. I wouldn't get a card for children that age personally.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/01/2021 12:39

Let their dad deal with it. Just let them know you know it's a difficult day for them.

Original poster

AandD · 14/01/2021 13:25

Thank you, I think I’m really panicking as he threatened to leave me a few weeks ago saying I needed to care more, and forgive his ex for all the shit she put me through! I’m sorry, but I don’t forgive without an apology, but I would never ever talk down about her in front of the kids, and I never have. If they talk to me, I would talk to them, but they don’t choose to talk to me about her. I don’t know what he expects really! After he said that, the next day he acted like nothing had happened! I don’t think he’s really over her still!

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 14/01/2021 13:29

I’m sorry, but I don’t forgive without an apology,

I think you could be a bit more flexible on that policy now she is dead. Forgiving her won't make a jot of difference to her, but it might make you feel better and in turn act better with him and his kids.

It doesn't really matter if he's not "over her", dead people are no competition. But if you feel he's not fully committed to you that's a different issue!

lunar1 · 14/01/2021 15:00

Forgive her, she's gone and you are living with her children. If you want any chance for this relationship to work you need to let go of the anger towards her. It will probably make you feel better in the long run.

Will your husband be able to have some time and space with their joint children so they can talk freely about their mum? To be honest that's probably the best thing can do for them to make sure they get some 1:1 with their dad.

excelledyourself · 14/01/2021 15:27

forgive his ex for all the shit she put me through! I’m sorry, but I don’t forgive without an apology,

What's the context here? Why would this be an issue now that's she's dead? Does he feel you're taking your resentment of her out on his kids?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 14/01/2021 15:35

He threatened to leave me a few weeks ago saying I needed to care more

What is he expecting you to do? Has he ever allowed you the space to have your own relationship with his DC or has he tried pushing a mother type role onto you?

Original poster

AandD · 14/01/2021 15:52

I think when they’re dead, they then suddenly become wonderful! The family used to moan about her not being a good parent, and always letting the kids down, but as soon as she died she was a fantastic mum! It has been very hard for me as well as him and the kids. I’m constantly reminded of shit I want to forget! I’ve told him I think he needs grief counselling as well. I don’t see there’s anything to forgive, we hated each other, and she was certainly never sorry. I’ve really tried to forget her, but unfortunately she will always be a part of our relationship. I would never ever show any resentment towards her to the kids, of course I wouldn’t. I think they need to spend more time with their dad, but he’s gone by the time they wake up, so he only sees them for 2-4 hours a day during the week. I try my best for all the kiddies and try and make sure they’re ok. I think he’s worried that the kids will notice my resentment for her. He isn’t there all day, and he doesn’t really have a clue how much I care about them I don’t think. I have had the time to be with the kids and get to know them better, as I’m with them all the time at the moment, but he’s at work, so doesn’t see it. It’s tough with stepchildren, I do love them, but it’s hard!

OP posts:

sowhatsnext · 16/01/2021 16:18

OP I think it was a nice thought but I’m not sure the 9 year old (who sounds like she’s struggling the most) will get the sentiment behind a card especially as at that age cards tend to have a celebratory association (Christmas, birthdays).

I don’t know how u feel about this but maybe a picture of them And her they could put up somewhere in their own rooms or just as a keepsake? That would let them know she’s not been “forgotten” which I would imagine the 9 year old might be struggling with a bit if she lost her mum at 6.

As for her being remembered as “wonderful” I do totally understand your annoyance at this, but from the kids point of view is there any harm focusing on the positives of what she was and letting them focus on these?
X

Marley20 · 24/01/2021 00:45

Call his bluff, tell him to leave, I bet he doesn't as he has all this free childcare. If he's that bothered about the effect you're having on his kids tell him to look after them himself!

OakSnow · 24/01/2021 00:50

@dontdisturbmenow

Let their dad deal with it. Just let them know you know it's a difficult day for them.

Sorry, I think that’s poor advice. OP, they will always be thinking of it and you a few weeks in advance say you know the day is coming up and what would they like to do/you want to help them if they want to do something/support them for what they need. They will be thinking about it coming up for ages before, and you waiting until the day looks like you’ve forgotten. You sound nice trying with the card, and kids will always remember the good as it’s their way to cope.

SD1978 · 24/01/2021 00:54

Ad they live with you, I would 'send' or give a card- that seems a bit weird. Maybe ask them how they want to commemorate it? Do they want to spend a day with juts their dad, any other family members related to their mum?

Original poster

AandD · 24/01/2021 08:10

Thanks, the day went ok, and I treated us all to a massive takeaway, and they seemed happy. The day after, they went out just with their dad and took flowers, and had a few hours out just them. They seemed to cope with it pretty well.

OP posts:

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