DP’s family treat my DC differently.

[TattyBo]

DP and I have been together for 8 years. We have 2 young DC. I have 3 DC from previous marriage (youngest was 3 when we got together) and DP has 1 DC from previous marriage who lives with her DM.

We’ve stayed with SIL, her DH and their son numerous times and she’s stayed with us. MIL also stays with us on a regular basis and holidays with us.

None of them have never really paid my DC much attention. They don’t remember their birthdays and send Christmas presents for our youngest DC but not my DC.

I don’t expect an expensive gift but a token bag of chocolate coins or something?! My DM always makes a Christmas stocking for DSD.

Am I being overly expectant?

@Teardrop2021 do you really think it is hard to make a connection with a child under 8?

It really isn't as unless they have certain SEN/disabilities they are welcoming to everyone they see particularly if they see them regularly.

[quote RedMarauder]@Teardrop2021 do you really think it is hard to make a connection with a child under 8?

It really isn't as unless they have certain SEN/disabilities they are welcoming to everyone they see particularly if they see them regularly.[/quote]
That is absolutely not true of all children at all and very much depends on how often you see and are involved with them.

I have two DSC. One was very open and involved in conversation with my parents from the get go and the other was very reserved and shy for a long time because that's just his personality, he is much harder to get out of his shell and always has been and yes, he was under 8 at the time.

It’s interesting that when two people get together and the parents are not welcoming to the incoming partner people suggest just cutting them out. Nowhere does anyone ever say “well, the parents didn’t choose for you to be a part of their family,” it is recognised that if someone comes into a family that family should be respectful of them and not exclude them.

Yet if children come into a family it’s apparently perfectly ok for the extended family to ignore them because “they didn’t choose for these children to come into the family.” But ultimately, if the partner who chose the partner who shouldn’t be ignored and there is an expectation that the family welcome them, then surely the same applies to the children? After all, the son in this instance has chosen for these children to be his family, along with his partner. As such, his parents should acknowledge all of them, not just pick and choose.

@AlternativePerspective

It’s interesting that when two people get together and the parents are not welcoming to the incoming partner people suggest just cutting them out. Nowhere does anyone ever say “well, the parents didn’t choose for you to be a part of their family,” it is recognised that if someone comes into a family that family should be respectful of them and not exclude them.

Yet if children come into a family it’s apparently perfectly ok for the extended family to ignore them because “they didn’t choose for these children to come into the family.” But ultimately, if the partner who chose the partner who shouldn’t be ignored and there is an expectation that the family welcome them, then surely the same applies to the children? After all, the son in this instance has chosen for these children to be his family, along with his partner. As such, his parents should acknowledge all of them, not just pick and choose.

I don't think ignoring and treating equally to their grandchildren are the same thing.

It's not okay to ignore anyone and I think token gifts at Christmas or birthdays is the kind thing to do.

But I think expecting someone to treat step children the same as their grandchildren (certain situations excluded) is more than that.

In the same way I'd expect my parents to treat DH nicely and not ignore him, but I wouldn't expect them to feel the same as or treat him the same as their own son, my brother.

They don’t remember their birthdays

Is it a case of not remembering, or not knowing in the first place?

They may just not be particularly interested one way or another. As in they feel indifferent towards them.

If a SParents can be indifferent, then GP who see them much less frequently can certainly be indifferent and treat them differently than their own GC. You really can't force them to feel a bond.

They may not have been happy that their DS married you having 3 kids already and kept their guard up from the beginning, so they didn't get attached to your DC.

You need to manage the expectations of your DC, so they don't feel disappointed. They need to know your DHs parents are not their GPs.

Your youngest is 11 now, so they're old enough to understand.

Although a token box of chocolates at Christmas would be easy enough for them and hardly breaks the bank.

So my parents do treat my DSS differently from my DC. Both my boys get lots of gifts and things throughout the year and they see them almost every other day (2yrs and 9months). Where as my DSS only sees them once in a blue moon and no sideways gifts. However his birthday and Xmas are always acknowledged but probably about half the value. But if we all go out for dinner my parents would pay for all of us (for example) including DSS. So I'd be a little upset.
More so because the kids may notice. Do they even bother with a card?