DP’s family treat my DC differently.

[TattyBo]

DP and I have been together for 8 years. We have 2 young DC. I have 3 DC from previous marriage (youngest was 3 when we got together) and DP has 1 DC from previous marriage who lives with her DM.

We’ve stayed with SIL, her DH and their son numerous times and she’s stayed with us. MIL also stays with us on a regular basis and holidays with us.

None of them have never really paid my DC much attention. They don’t remember their birthdays and send Christmas presents for our youngest DC but not my DC.

I don’t expect an expensive gift but a token bag of chocolate coins or something?! My DM always makes a Christmas stocking for DSD.

Am I being overly expectant?

I can see both sides. Your DP's parents should acknowledge your children. If they are bringing sweets they could bring for all three but whether they should be expected to buy gifts for three more children or even remember three more birthdays is a different matter. You are your DP chose to blend families but your parents didn't.

They should be be unkind to your DC or ignore them or treat them as less than but also maybe your children will have or understand that they are not their grandparents.

Having said that, depending on your relationship with in laws, they could treat your children just based on their relationship with you in the way that a friend might buy a gift for their friend's child.

Some in laws are a bit strange anyway. Mine are nice but they make zero effort to call me or text me and I only see them when I go to their houses with DH.

I don't think one side of the family needs to look at what the other is doing to decide what to do.

No but I can understand this thought as it makes for each of the children to have a particular relationship with their own GP.

@Affor the OP says that her mum does get a present for her DSD.

I'm not sure my mum even knew my half sisters' birthdays. My grandma probably doesn't know they or my step brother even exist! However, my step grandma treats me and my sisters the same despite only one of them being related. Seems to depend on the person and the family.
YABU to expect others to feel the same way you do I'm afraid. Your children aren't all related to your partner's family and they may never have quite the same relationship.

No I don’t think they should have to buy for step children. Your kids sound like they are old enough to understand that they have 2 sets of grandparents they are already getting gifts from. My parents don’t buy for my DSS, they get thoroughly spoilt at Xmas by their families.

Well my mum and brother only have one grandson/ nephew which is my son but they both make an effort with my new partners two boys. My mum and brother will chat to them, buy them gifts for Xmas, Easter etc and ask after them. It’s nice that no one is left out!

They are not their grandparents, you expect too much

I agree that there’s a difference between the kind of normal politeness you can expect from people and expecting them to treat all the children as if they are their grandchildren.

Ignoring your children is not ok. It wouldn’t be ok no matter who they were. You don’t visit people or have visitors and ignore some of them. Especially if you’re going to shower others with gifts and attention.

Similarly, I think I would expect a token Christmas gift if they knew the DC were going to be there when presents were exchanged. If I knew that I was going to be giving Christmas presents to my own DC while a friend’s child was present, I’d make sure I had a little something for them to open too. I think that’s what most people would do. If I were just sending gifts, I would be less worried about it.

Birthdays are different because only the birthday child gets presents. That said, if I was going to see any child on what I knew was their birthday, I think I’d make sure I had a token something.

Mostly, I think that extended family don’t have obligations towards SC. It’s nice if they choose to embrace them as extra grandchildren etc, but they don’t have to. But they should treat them like they would a friend’s children or a great nephew or something like that. No one should purposefully ignore them.

YANBU. I don’t expect families to treat step-children exactly the same on big things like inheritance / financial support through uni etc but I think when it comes to smaller things like birthdays it is churlish in the extreme to not treat all children the same. Children don’t ask to be steps and don’t understand the complexity of blended families. Decent adults should treat them equally, or at least make a reasonable effort to do so.

There have been a number of threads here about SCs not getting anything from the SM's family and the response is unanimously that it is not their grand children and therefore normal they should only treat those who are.

Surely the same applies here.

The issue us that in your case your family doe inside them. I personally think that extended family should treat all the kids the same, but ultimately it is their choice.

but I think when it comes to smaller things like birthdays it is churlish not to treat them all the same. Children don't ask to be steps and don't understand the complexity of blended families

The thing is, whether or not birthdays are a small thing or not entirely depends on your financial situation. As somebody pointed out upthread, this is three kids we're talking about, on top of the other three that are their grandchildren. Buying a birthday/Christmas present for three children each could easily cost over £100 even if it's cheap, and if it's "equal" to the amount they likely spend on their own grandchild each, it could cost hundreds. If you had lots of money perhaps that wouldn't be a big deal, but I couldn't honestly describe not wanting to spend that as "churlish".

Don't get me wrong, they should certainly be including them in conversation (which is free) but I don't think it's really fair to bring along three kids that aren't their grandkids and expect more than token gifts for them. That adds up to a lot. It's important to remember that as much as children don't ask to be steps, wider family don't ask for the blended family to be formed either. The "children don't ask to be steps" argument should really be reserved for parents, because it isn't fair to put that on other random adults who also had no choice in it.

Children don't ask to be steps and don't understand the complexity of blended families

They don't ask for it, and many don't want it, but they understand the complexities better than anyone else, in my experience.

I think it depends on whether the step child lives with you or not. So for instance I've been with my DH since DS was 2, we started living together when he was 3. My FIL has always treated DS as much as his grandson as he does the other grandchildren. Ex met his now ex wife when DS was 3, they separated when he was about 12. Her family never bought anything for DS for Christmas/birthdays but because DS lived with me and only saw his dad once a fortnight I didn't think much of it? It would have been nice if they'd acknowledged it, but DS didn't go for Christmas so he didn't know any different

I think you should be aiming your annoyance at your ex's family.

I wouldn’t have anyone in my house who ignored by child (or my step children!). Why are you and DP putting up with this behaviour? Being “shy” isn’t an excuse for being a dick.

The lack of gifts is the least of your problems.

They should do something. My family used to, even if it’s not the same a token gift is thoughtful and it forms a bond between your families. I wouldn’t get overly upset though, some people are kinder than others and it says more about them than your children. I actually asked my family to stop buying for my SD because she was never grateful, could it be maybe they don’t think the presents would be welcome? It could be simply they are a little thoughtless.

I don't think they should have to do anything. I think it's unacceptable that she doesn't engage when she stays but they aren't her GC so I don't see why they should be giving them presents anymore than your DC grandparents should be giving your youngest a present

@Witchymclovely

They should do something. My family used to, even if it’s not the same a token gift is thoughtful and it forms a bond between your families. I wouldn’t get overly upset though, some people are kinder than others and it says more about them than your children. I actually asked my family to stop buying for my SD because she was never grateful, could it be maybe they don’t think the presents would be welcome? It could be simply they are a little thoughtless.

You think OP's DC's step family "should do something" but you told your own family not to buy for your own SD 🙄

Ignoring is not okay at all.

But presents... I don't think I'd expect anything other than a token gift. As PP said, 3 extra children to buy for at Christmas and birthdays is a lot for some people. Especially if they are expected to spend the same as they do on their 3 GC, that could easily equal hundreds and I don't think that's a reasonable expectation when they aren't her grandchildren just in the name of being completely equal. Children can and do understand who their grandparents are and who aren't.

For example, if my parents wanted to buy a bit of a bigger/expensive present for their GC at Christmas, I wouldn't expect them to spend the same on my SC (my DHs children). That's a big cost for them. It would either mean that my DC didn't get the intended present from their own GPs because it wasn't 'fair' or my parents would feel obliged to stretch themselves financially to make everything equal which I wouldn't want.

I think you are being overly expectant. As you say, it’s been 8 years and this is the pattern of established behaviour.

Your kids are obviously not considered by your DP’s family as part of their family. Nice kids yes, but they don’t visit to spend time with your kids, they visit and spend time with you all because of DP and your joint kids.

Even though you’ve been together long, maybe they didn’t know how long you’d last (fair assumption) and never felt the need to be develop an initial close relationship with your kids, and then it was too late, they were established in their eyes in the way you’d acknowledge a friend or acquaintances child that you liked but were not terribly emotionally invested in.

Is it fair that they don’t acknowledge them, with token gifts or just general chit chat? No, it’s a bit off, not the best manners and I wouldn’t personally behave that way.

You mightn’t be happy with it, but it’s just something you have to handle sensitively with your older kids and just get on with it. You can’t make your DP’s parent’s feel for your children, what they clearly don’t. And it’s not appropriate to make a fuss about it as they are entitled to their own feelings on this just as you are entitled to yours.

I think it's very bad manners of them. As you've said, it doesn't have to be a thing huge, but a birthday card and at least some sweets and chocolate for Xmas.

DP says it’s because she’s shy and a naturally quiet person.

Sod that - she's a grown woman!

MIL tried that old claptrap with me after I pulled her up on SIL's downright rudeness even after a year of DH and I being together. I told her exactly where to go with that nonsense. Funnily enough, SIL is much better now.

Shyness aside though, whilst it's not overly unusual for them to be less interested in children that aren't their actual grandchildren, it's still rude, and i'd have to say something.

Tbh there's 6 kids in total that would cost quite abit in presents at Christmas and birthdays. She should make an effort with them but I would imagine its alot difficult to make a connection with a child that's 3 and above than a children yous known from infancy.

OP, if your children are aware that your partners parents are aware that his parents are not their grandparents, they may not assume or expect a holiday grandparent gift from them. Clearly, they know that their paternal grandparents do not provide gifts of any kind.

Personally, I do not understand how some people do not feel compelled to recognize all of the children in their extended circle, but many people do not do this. I don't think that it stems from a desire to be cruel or insensitive nor necessarily out of financial constraints. Most likely it is because they think in a very restricted or limited sense; they define being a grandparent in a very literal terms..

In your situation I would do 2 things: 1. I would make my children aware of the fact that different people have different view about gift giving and recognition , and that those views are formed based upon the life experiences of the prospective gifter. They should be pleased and properly thankful when they receive a gift, but as no one owes them a gift ,there is no expectation or disappointment when they do not receive a gift.
The second thing that I would do is have your partner speak to his mom and tell her that he wants to buy some token gifts for them to give to your kids on holidays. He can explain to her that your children are still young enough to feel left out when they are not recognized by those that they think of as " family."

I would only do the 2nd thing if I felt that my kids were truly hurt and disappointed. My guess would be that the grandparents are people who have not given much thought to the gift giving beyond the fact of recognizing their grandchildren on the particular holiday. If this is the grandparents first experience with step or blended families, they may not be certain as to roles and expectations for them.

You seem to be able to reconcile the behavior of your ex's parents in a far more accepting way than you are willing to do with your partners parents. Are you sure that it is your children who are disappointed rather that you who are angry and disappointed?

All children should learn that gifts of any kind and from any giver or gifted are presents and not an entitlements.

If your partners parents are polite and accepting that may be all that they feel the need to give. This may be all that you can expect from them.

It depends on the relationship between them I suppose, but I wouldn't necessarily expect it.

Pre-Covid, my parents saw our DC almost every day (6 out if 7 was the norm), plus they used to have them on their own. My parents see DSS perhaps 2 or 3 times a year, one of those times usually being Christmas. They always buy DSS a token gift, and buy our DC lots, however our DC only open their gifts once DSS has gone back to his DM's to open presents from his own grandparents.