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Step-parenting

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Original poster

ex's partner possibly stopping ex seeing our son

25 replies

suninthesky00 · 05/01/2021 15:57

I have a DS7 with my ex. He lives with me and ex sees him very often. Ex lives with his partner of 3 years. Ex's partner has a child DS8.

Ex's partner has messaged me (we get on well) to say that she is thinking about stopping her son seeing his Dad as his Dad is still working out and about and is a covid risk (she is high risk). Fair enough. But she has then said that if that does happen then it will only be fair on her son if my ex stops seeing our son too.

What are people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2021 16:42

I don’t think it is fair enough of her to keep their child from his father. And it’s outrageous she’s trying to stop your son seeing his dad out of some sort of ridiculous idea of fairness. How long is she proposing this carries on for? Nothing is going to change for months. Depriving children of meaningful relationships from one of their parents for indefinite periods of time is not okay at all. How would she feel about not seeing her child for months on end?

Does your ex know what she’s up to?

If you want to reply I’d tell her that contact arrangements for your child are between you and your ex.

Original poster

suninthesky00 · 05/01/2021 17:52

@AnneLovesGilbert I don't know if my ex knows but he usually agrees with what she says.

I'm glad you think the same way I do, that it's outrageous for her to suggest DS shouldn't see his Dad if hers isn't seeing is!

OP posts:

AIMD · 05/01/2021 18:00

Why is she messaging you about your ex’s contact with your son? Your ex should be doing that surely as it’s his child.

Is she, your ex and her child all self isolating (not going to work or school or seeing extended family)?

I don’t think this is reasonable because they should be looking at other options of minimising the risk before just stopping all contact and it should be his dad having that conversation with you not her.

AIMD · 05/01/2021 18:04

Also the fairness point is irrelevant. They’re two different children with two different sets of needs and different parents. Decisions about your son should not be made just because that’s the decision she made for her son.

Original poster

suninthesky00 · 05/01/2021 18:21

@AIMD We do often text regarding contact as my ex is a nightmare texter so it's easier all round to be honest!

OP posts:

Original poster

suninthesky00 · 05/01/2021 18:21

She and her child are at home, my ex is still at going to work. I'm working from home too.

OP posts:

AIMD · 05/01/2021 18:24

So your ex is going out to work and presumably coming into contact with people, but she does t want him seeing your son? That sounds unreasonable to me.

Also while you may text her about arrangement deciding to stop contact, for who knows how long, is something to be discussed between you as parents in my opinion. You say you normally get on well..maybe this has meant you’ve slipped into being too comfortable with each other and she feel she’l can make this decision.

sassbott · 05/01/2021 19:36

If you are wfh and your son is at home, then the biggest risk in this whole set up is her partner (your ex) and her son is already exposed to that.
None of this makes sense and if I’m honest? It sounds like she’s using this as an excuse to play happy families with her son and partner.

I’d be furious! I’d understand if you said you were a key worker/ high risk yourself. But you’re not and therefore the risks to her via your son are absolutely minimal.

sassbott · 05/01/2021 19:38

Honestly, the amount of people using covid to mess about with contact is mind boggling. If a partner of mine told me what I could do re contact / or my exh told me he could no longer see our children, neither scenario would end well for either party. This whole period is tough enough for kids, they need to see their parents!

MeridianB · 05/01/2021 19:40

Agree this is for you and your ex to discuss, not her.

And it is odd that she expects this if her DP is working outside the home.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 05/01/2021 19:41

She is being totally unreasonable. My exes wife is the same however. Apparently 'they' shouldn't have to pay CMS as she doesn't claim it from her ex

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2021 20:00

Does she mean only fair in the sense that in her opinion your household is also flouting the rules, or just so the boys are the same? If the latter then she is being highly unfair.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 05/01/2021 20:02

@aSofaNearYou

Does she mean only fair in the sense that in her opinion your household is also flouting the rules, or just so the boys are the same? If the latter then she is being highly unfair.

Where did you get that either household is "flouting the rules"?

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/01/2021 20:02

She isn't your child's parent so it isn't her decision. Speak to your ex directly.

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2021 20:07

Where did you get that either household is "flouting the rules"?

Sorry, I meant to say putting her household at risk, not necessarily breaking the rules. OP said her exes partner's reasoning was that her ex being out working was too much of a risk for her, I meant does she think the same about OPs household and is that what she meant by threatening to cancel visits.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 05/01/2021 20:14

Oh I see. That makes sense. I thought I'd missed something

Original poster

suninthesky00 · 05/01/2021 20:14

There is no other adult in my household and I am working from home so there is no risk coming from me.

Her reasoning is that her ex is still out working, and as she is high risk, she feels it would be safer to keep her son her at home (to avoid him bringing it back after seeing his Dad).

This would, apparently, mean that my DS should no longer go and see his Dad as it would be unfair on her son and make him upset.

OP posts:

sassbott · 05/01/2021 20:21

Have you replied to her OP?

Original poster

suninthesky00 · 05/01/2021 20:27

@sassbott No not yet as I've been trying to cool off first!

OP posts:

AIMD · 05/01/2021 20:31

@suninthesky00

There is no other adult in my household and I am working from home so there is no risk coming from me.

Her reasoning is that her ex is still out working, and as she is high risk, she feels it would be safer to keep her son her at home (to avoid him bringing it back after seeing his Dad).

This would, apparently, mean that my DS should no longer go and see his Dad as it would be unfair on her son and make him upset.

Well in that case I’m even more convinced she is out of order.

You can’t deny a child contact with their parent simply because another child can’t have contact with theirs that’s absurd.

blackcat86 · 05/01/2021 20:32

That's ridiculous. Sounds like little emleror syndrome there. I'm sure someone will come along with a really well phrased message soon but I would be going along the lines of 'of course we want to keep everyone safe but no I don't think that seeing or not seeing parents should be in the interest of fairness. DS has no reason not to be seeing his dad and I'm not keen on contact arrangements being changed with everything already so up in the air. I will be in touch with ex to discuss'

Original poster

suninthesky00 · 05/01/2021 20:33

Thank you - I was literally about to ask for suggestions on how to reply (by someone impartial!)

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 05/01/2021 20:34

She can think it’s unfair all she wants but it’s nothing to do with her really!

I understand that she’s high risk. My ds is and I’m shitting it to be honest! But if your ex is still going out to work, and your son is home with you, he’s not causing her any risk.

Damaging their relationship because she’s stopping her son seeing his dad is bizarre and horrible!

KylieKoKo · 06/01/2021 04:04

She sounds a bit nuts. I think you should ignore the message and confirm with your ex that contact will continue as normal. Let him deal with his partner.

Frankola · 11/01/2021 08:12

Nothing to do with her and not her decision! That's ridiculous of her to suggest.

Point her to the government guidelines which say kids going between houses for RP and NRP is fine.

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