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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to escape lockdown life with SD

17 replies

AnxiousSM · 05/01/2021 15:16

Compared to some people's problems I do know this isn't the biggest problem ever, but to me it's making me feel sick.

DH and DSD see each other regularly. DSD and me have never got on ever. I'm polite to her and we and quietly tolerate each other but it doesn't go further than that. She's late teens, still under 18 so allowed to see her dad under lockdown. She comes over EOW plus he sees her during the week sometimes. They always go out (their choice), cinema, bowling, ice skating, whatever. They eat out together and generally have lots of fun. I'm not bothered at all they're happy and I'm happy. With lockdown she'll come over and stay in the house the whole time (obviously). When she's in our house there's an air of discomfort for us all. I think she hates it as much as I do. She's quite rude to me she rarely speaks she hides in her room whispers to her dad doesn't even speak when I speak to her. It's just awful.

He wants to see her and I don't want to stop that. Is there any advice about where I could go to get out of the house when she's there? I can't walk for 48 hours?

OP posts:

bisonbill · 05/01/2021 15:22

Sorry to read this @AnxiousSM - I’m afraid I don’t have any great ideas but you have my sympathies as I can appreciate how daunting the prospect must be. A tricky time for stepfamilies - especially in the circumstances you describe. I hope you find an escape and that someone else is along with some bright ideas

GypsyLee · 05/01/2021 15:25

You shouldn't have to live like this, and whispering is rude.
Seems like you have a dh problem, his lack of parenting and instilling good values hasn't gone far, has it?
You don't need to go anywhere, it's your home, tell dh if he wants her in your home he has to sort it.

Magda72 · 05/01/2021 15:48

@AnxiousSM I don't want to sound unhelpful here as I really don't mean to be unhelpful - but why on earth has your dh allowed this situation to remain like this for so long? No young adult of that age should he whispering & rude while in someone else's space no matter what the circumstances. She doesn't have to think your amazing but she should be civil & polite to you.
Would it be any help to you to suggest EOW for 48 hours be changed to every weekend for 24 hours? You could get out for a long walk every weekend while she's there safe in the knowledge that she'll be returning to her dm's soon.
All that being said I think you really need to speak to you dh about this as I can see a future ahead where this young lady has a family of her own she may want to share with Daddy at your expense.

georgemichaelfan · 05/01/2021 17:11

Places you can go besides walking are supermarket, garden centres, home bargains (or b&m bargains), do some gardening (obvs wrap up well and take a flask of coffee outside too). Do you have any local phone box libraries (we have a few which I enjoy taking books to and borrowing from - most provide disposable gloves and anti bac gel or you could take your own), you could also take a book or magazine and blanket and mittens and park up somewhere with a flask of coffee or a takeaway coffee/some soup or sandwich and have a bit of me time in the car and read and enjoy a snack and drink in peace.

Original poster

AnxiousSM · 05/01/2021 17:43

Thanks for those suggestions some good ideas. I asked during Nov lockdown if we could shorten the visits and it almost ended in divorce! I wish it had in some ways. He refuses to compromise at all but this is the story of our lives. She calls all the shots always has and always will.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 05/01/2021 17:48

This is a late teen who when you speak won’t reply, and whispers to her dad in your presence? In your own home? And this is acceptable to your DH? My first thought - how rude!

Do you really want to live like this? Why is this tolerated a) by you or b) by your DH?

Of course... she doesn’t have to like you. Fine. Of course. But she needs to be civil and polite which means - no whispering. No ignoring. Basic manners. Nothing special. Just basic.

If basic manners aren’t expected in your own home (and it’s your DH’s job to support you to be respected and his dd to develop life skills and insist on this 100% and lockdown is the ideal opportunity) I would be reconsidering whether I wanted to live like this. And exit the relationship and the house, permanently. And leave them to have ‘fun times’ whenever they like.

Just in case you don’t have dc of your own, OP, parenting is not just about fun times. Your DH is failing his dd. And you in the process of allowing this charade.

jessstan1 · 05/01/2021 17:51

Presumably she isn't in your home most of the time. I think you can put up with it every other weekend and the odd day or evening. Sit in another room with your telly, book or computer.

However it is rude to whisper and your husband really needs to have a word with his daughter about that. When she is out in the world of work she will have to rub along with all sorts of people and I can't imagine you are that bad.

Lockdown won't be forever, take heart.

katy1213 · 05/01/2021 17:56

Tell her straight out that you will not tolerate rudeness in your own home. Don't be driven out by her - not in this weather! She can sulk in her room or walk round the park if she doesn't like being pulled up on her manners.
But if the outings stop, do you think she'll want to keep coming for weekends with nothing much to do?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 05/01/2021 19:17

Seriously do you pull her up every time. I would.
Evry single time.
If my dp didn't back me up I'm not sure I could tolerate it tbh

MeridianB · 05/01/2021 19:37

Another wondering why any parent would allow their child to be rude like this. You deserve better from your DH. Time to ask him why he allows rudeness.

Myshinynewname2021 · 05/01/2021 20:13

Ah the old 'my child will always come first' type of dad. Such fun to be with! They aren't talking about the real needs of the child but instead making themselves feel like dad of the year by allowing their lives (when it involves you) to be dictated to by said child.

Is there any possibility you could pull this girl to one side and try and have some kind of conversation to make this less fraught? Could you do anything one on one with her (I don't mean spending lots of money on her which she would probably suggest)?

Guessing you have probably tried but just in case.
But unless he's an exceptional husband you might want to rethink being with him.

Or go and stay with a friend the weekends she's there - they could be your support bubble. Personally this would be my choice. I'd go and spend time with someone that valued me and hubby would just have to deal with not having me around. It might teach him some manners. Leave a few hours before she gets there and get back a few hours after she's back, and blame it on covid.

SandyY2K · 05/01/2021 20:14

Tell her straight out that you will not tolerate rudeness in your own home.

She needs the backing of her DH to do this and considering he's not been able to get his DD to be polite all this time, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Your DH is the problem, for thinking it's fine that his DD is rude to you and allowing it to go.

Original poster

AnxiousSM · 05/01/2021 21:06

I’ve tried and tried and tried. Before I totally disengaged with her I honestly tried every thing possible for years. A total waste of time and effort. The only time I ever saw her smile in my company is the time I slipped and fell badly injuring my wrist, oh how she laughed, thought it was hilarious. She wasn’t very well mannered at 11 so at 17 it’s impossible. I’m afraid any discipline must have disappeared when her parents separated. Disney Dad is certainly not ever going to tell her.

He either genuinely doesn’t see it or chooses not to. I’ve tried to reason with him and discuss with him, he becomes defensive immediately and it always ends in a row so I stopped raising it. It’s the only way to keep the peace.

I know it’s a crap way to live and I’m working on my exit plan but I’ve a long way to go yet.

OP posts:

PusheenLove · 06/01/2021 09:53

OP no one "survives" in their own home. You are being made a fool of. Ramp up your exit plan. Put a date on it.

2me2u2u2me · 06/01/2021 12:24

@GypsyLee

You shouldn't have to live like this, and whispering is rude. Seems like you have a dh problem, his lack of parenting and instilling good values hasn't gone far, has it? You don't need to go anywhere, it's your home, tell dh if he wants her in your home he has to sort it.

I was totally coming on to say this!!!

I am in shock your OH allows the whispering between themselves, it's your house, tell him in no uncertain terms things have to change and he needs to sort it, why should you feel this way in your own home. OMG I am so angry for you

Witchymclovely · 14/01/2021 17:32

Op please remember this is your home.

ParisJeTAime · 14/01/2021 17:34

Ugh God op! Why are you with this guy?

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