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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

People using 'its a pandemic' to guilt step parents into accepting bottom of the pile

15 replies

CrackALack · 04/01/2021 17:49

I'm fucking sick of the amount of threads that are popping up about step parents being expected to sacrifice their own work (among other things) to provide childcare so that parents can go on as unaffected as possible. There have been so many during this whole thing and it really annoys me.

What's worse is the people who use 'its a pandemic, we all need to pull together' as a guilt tactic to get SPs to accept this!

I am all for helping out where possible but a step parents work, whether that be from home or not, is not less important than anyone elses! In fact, it's even more delicate than a parents imo in this particular situation. How many employers are realistically going to accept that their employees are slacking because they are picking up childcare for someone else's children? The longer this goes on for, they will have even less patience with this I imagine.

With respect, and whilst I appreciate every ones situation is shit right now, it is not up to your partner's or spouses to sacrifice their work so yours doesn't have to suffer. STOP IT.

People can say 'you're a third parent though' or 'you took on family life' all you like but you aren't and you didn't. Not in any official capacity, not in the eyes of employers.

If help is offered and is genuinely able to be provided then that is great. But it is categorically not anyone elses obligation to disadvantage themselves or their employment so that their partners can continue unscathed.

OP posts:

bogoffmda · 04/01/2021 17:53

This is a partner problem of which ever gender and not related solely to step parents.

'unnecesarily aggressive post

Original poster

CrackALack · 04/01/2021 17:55

@bogoffmda

This is a partner problem of which ever gender and not related solely to step parents.

'unnecesarily aggressive post

I'm on the step parenting board, referring to an issue I have seen repeatedly from step parents throughout the pandemic. I never said it doesn't happen in other situations, I am referring to this particular scenario which has been posted repeatedly throughout.

OP posts:

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 04/01/2021 18:02

YANBU. I'm not a step parent but my DC are step children. DH home schooled the children during the first lockdown because he was furloughed and I was WFH full-time. This time, we're both WFH FT and so home schooling is my job because I'm their actual parent. I'm eternally grateful to DH for offering to take over last time. He's an incredible, wonderful human being. If he'd left it to me then I wouldn't have held it against him though, because it's not his responsibility.

OTOH, from what the DC have said, exH's wife did all the work when the DC were staying with them during lockdown #1. That's cos exH is a git who thinks that anything like hard work when it comes to the DC is women's stuff. Hence ex. If she'd told him to stuff it and do it himself then fair play to her. However, she was in a vulnerable position on maternity leave so I can see why she didn't.

C0NNIE · 04/01/2021 18:06

This is a partner problem of which ever gender and not related solely to step parents

Of course it’s ‘gender’ actually sex based. I don’t see many step fathers being expected to look after their step children or step grandchildren while they are working.

Maybe83 · 04/01/2021 18:14

Well I suppose like anything in life it depends on the circumstances doesnt it.

The reality is my job keeps a roof over our head. So DH could very well have taken that approach to my dd (while doing it for our joint dd).

Long term though when we are out on the streets his stance of your child, your problem might have back fired slightly.

The reality is we live in this house with this mortgage and the outgoings we have because we got married. We also have joint finances because we are married.

So for us when we are all in this house it doent really matter which one of them happens to share DH or I DNA. Its who ever can do it what ever that is at any given time who does.

I actually think plenty of step fathers are doing just that to be honest because the reality is they are usually with step children for longer periods of time that NRP parents.

Original poster

CrackALack · 04/01/2021 18:36

You're right. It does depend on circumstances to a point. I actually think it's quite different if your DH is looking after his child at home anyway, then he's like millions of other parents and that's what he'd say to his employer, I'm looking after MY child, his step child is also there which is fine.

I think that's very different to expecting a childless step parent to homeschool and provide care for their step children and have to possibly explain to their employer why their work is slacking as a result. As I say, how many employers will realistically be sympathetic to peoples work taking a downturn because they are providing childcare for someone else's children. You might not subscribe to the 'someone else's children' part but I imagine a lot of employers would and legally speaking, step parents don't have parental responsibility and therefore by the same token don't have the same expectations as parents when it comes to their employment rights.

And I'm talking about the threads you see on here where step parents are literally saying I can't do this, my work is suffering, staying up half the night to catch up, possibility of losing jobs because they can't meet deadlines or what not. That's not okay. And it's not okay for people to act as thought that's a reasonable situation and they should just get on with it.

OP posts:

Pinkyxx · 04/01/2021 18:41

YANBU I would never ask or expect my ex-husbands wife to provide any care for our child - pandemic or otherwise. There are 2 of them, one of me and I work full time but that doesn't change it. Help would never be offered but that's a completely different matter.

I do however think this isn't an issue limited to Step parents - many people who are not ''working'' (read: employed) have been expected to do the same. I do suspect the burden has fallen disproportionately on women but I don't have any data to back that up so could be totally wrong.

Expect nothing and be grateful for anything offered is my motto!

SpongebobNoPants · 04/01/2021 19:23

@CrackALack I 100% agree.
I’ve seen this notion banded about so much recently on the stepparenting board and it makes me so fucking angry.
Stepmums in particular are expected to constantly martyr themselves for their SC.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 05/01/2021 05:36

@CrackALack YANBU. Fully agree. The whole its a pandemic, we all need to pull together BS is the latest stock answer / excuse to be wheeled out alongside “you knew what you were taking on”.

If a SP is able to and happy to help then that’s one thing but no one should feel obliged to step in and provide childcare and home-schooling for someone else’s child at the detriment to their own job.

Kel9 · 05/01/2021 09:13

I’m in the position that I have to work whilst my oh will be furloughed. He has offered to look after my son as I don’t have any other options. I don’t expect anything of him to be honest, I don’t expect him to do any learning and things with him. ... just feed him and keep him alive lol

movingonup20 · 05/01/2021 09:17

It's so dependant on circumstances. I'm off to get dp's dd because I'm not working today and he is. He would do the same for me - it's a partnership. The problem really comes when both biological people are to can't wfh and they expect the step parents to cover

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 05/01/2021 09:19

@C0NNIE

This is a partner problem of which ever gender and not related solely to step parents

Of course it’s ‘gender’ actually sex based. I don’t see many step fathers being expected to look after their step children or step grandchildren while they are working.

In fairness, I'm a stepdad and currently trying to work opposite SD10 who seems to have a technical issue every five minutes with her online lesson.

Her mum is upstairs trying to home educate SD6. If either of us took responsibility for both kids we wouldn't get any work done.

The only blessing is that we live in Denmark and the daycares are still open so we don't have looking after DD1 in the mix...

Songbird232018 · 05/01/2021 10:47

My partner works night shift all week (nurse) and his 3 kids are all teens e learning, we are keeping them 2 extra nights (Thursday and Sunday day) on our weekend and his eldest is doing a important last year at college so I have agreed he can come here weds-Friday his busiest days the week the kids aren't with us to study and have peace and good internet (6 kids at mums house so no space or peace)

I think that's fair enough on our part, we are now getting asked to have the others on the weds - fri too and I've said no as I've got to work from home also with a 3 year old to entertain, and keep away from anyone here trying to do work on calls etc.

Sometimes there just a limit to what one side can do and when mums at home not working all day I think it's a little rich.

KylieKoKo · 05/01/2021 14:14

I agree.

If DP's children want to study here then they are of course welcome.

However, if I am here alone the deal is that they make their own lunch and snacks when they are hungry, they clear up after themselves and I don't supervise their learning as I need to work so they need to get on with it themselves.

Amira19 · 05/01/2021 14:19

Of course it’s ‘gender’ actually sex based. I don’t see many step fathers being expected to look after their step children or step grandchildren while they are working

I have to disagree dh has done more in terms of childcare that ds sm ever has. He just sees ds as one of the dc. There are step fathers who take on the full father role out there including collecting and dropping off at school.

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