Half siblings sharing..

[Maya2920]

Hi,

I need bit of advice please..

I have a baby girl that’s nearly 1 year old and my partner has a son from a previous relationship who is 11 years old and we are just about to move into a property that is now only 2 bedrooms (we have had an opportunity to move from renting to buying but we can only afford to buy a smaller property) and I am uncomfortable with them sharing but my partner is adamant that they will share.

My partners boy stays with us 2 nights per month and I’m worried about this being quite disruptive to my baby’s pattern as she is very easily disturbed and there is going to be a difference with bed times between the children. Secondly, my partners son is a messy little tiger and I’m constantly finding bits of toys and Lego here there and everywhere and it’s a concern of them sharing a room and my soon to be toddler finding something and potentially choking.

I’m a first time mum and I can’t tell if I’m just over reacting with worries or if I’m right in how I’m feeling.

My solution for alternative sleeping would be a decent air bed or even potentially a pull out sofa bed.

Thanks

We are in the same boat. Have a SD who shares with my DD. Have and older SS 10 who currently has a bedroom on his own. However we are having a baby. The plan is when the baby is born they will share with SS. SS stays 4 days a month. We have said though on those four days the baby will stay in a travel cot in our room. Not sure how long that will happen for but we are unable to afford a bigger home.

Yanbu for not wanting them to share, especially as they get older - you can't expect a teenage boy to share with a little girl, it isn't really appropriate. On the other hand, it isn't really fair for your DH's son to have to sleep on an air bed or sofa bed - it should feel like his home too.

If you stay renting, would you have an extra bedroom? If so, I think I'd be inclined to delay buying until you can buy a house that is suitable for your whole family. Alternatively, would there be any chance of partitioning the bedroom so that they each have a space of their own?

We have said though on those four days the baby will stay in a travel cot in our room

That sounds like a sensible solution for the time being.

The reality is that it’s not your DSS home and it won’t be his bedroom either - not at those very low levels of contact.
Your DP can be as “adamant” as he likes but things are going to have to be suitable for your baby first and foremost, then the best possible set up worked out for your DSS.
Whether that is a partitioned area of that bedroom or the living room or whether that’s you and DP sleeping on a sofa bed while DSS has your room I don’t know.
I can see the issues with them sharing, but it is only for 2 nights a month so surely disruption would be minimal? Either way, DSS and your DP are going to have to be mindful that 95% of the time the room is the exclusive one and only bedroom of a baby girl and her needs for safety and and space are paramount.
In an ideal world, and without knowing your finances and where in the country you are etc, you’d wait until you can get somewhere big enough for DSS to have his own room, to allow contact to continue or even increase during the teenage years if he wants it to. I can’t imagine he will be thrilled with any less than that and who could blame him?

How disruptive to your daughter can he possibly be 24 nights a year! Just put a bed in her room and bring your Dd into yours when he stays.

Does he stay extra in holidays?

We also did the travel cot in our room thing when we were still living in a two bed. But that was until DD was about 1 and would only become more of a hindrance as she got older, that's why we moved.

I wouldn't want the room to be permanently filled with things that are dangerous for the baby due to the room technically being "shared" for two nights a month, but given how rarely your SS is there, does he have a lot of stuff?

I understand how you feel, but I imagine the cost of another bedroom for 2 nights a month is too much.

What ideas do you have OP? Do you think his DS should stay in the living room? Or maybe not have sleepovers? Because the options are quite limited.

As they get older this isn't looking good and it could put him off sleeping over at your place... A 15 year old sharing space with a 4 yo isn't likely to be appealing to him.

I'm also thinking that your DP will not want you decorating the room to suit your DD.

I think DS should have a space of his own at his Dads house, regardless of how much he stays. Could you split the bigger bedroom in half with something temporary to create 2 smaller rooms? A toddler doesn’t need a big room and neither does DSS if he’s only there 2 nights a month. However they do then have their own space.

He may be adamant but he’s wrong. What did you discuss when you were house hunting?

I wouldn’t want them sharing either to be honest. I can’t imagine any 11 year old want to share with a 2 year old and as you say he will have toys that are not suitable for her to access at her age.

As it’s only 2 days a month I’d probably just put the toddler on a temp bed in my room while the 11 year old stays in the toddlers bed.

He needs an actual bed and space in his father’s home. If you choose to buy a 2 bedroom home, your options are limited. I agree, an 11yo and a 1yo sharing a room is not a good idea. Your other option is to keep the 1yo with you on the night he is there, but that may become a problem with the younger child balking at loosing personal space while the age gap issue remains a real concern.

YANBU to say that you don't want them to share.

YABU to buy a home that doesn't accommodate all the children in your family. If buying three a three bed isn't possible i'd continue renting.

Two nights per month is already a ridiculously small amount of contact (unless multiple days/after schools are included in the arrangement too?). Don't make him feel any less part of his family by not having a dedicated place for him to sleep.

It's not appropriate to share. You can put DD in with you 2 nights a month & he can use the bedroom. Maybe decorate it neutral & give him some storage space so he can have his own stuff. You will probably need a proper bed in that room. Maybe one with drawers underneath for his bedding & stuff?

I think when the council are housing families age 10+ can't share with opposite sex?

We don't have a spare room & if we have visitors then DS gives up his room.

we are just about to move into a property that is now only 2 bedrooms (we have had an opportunity to move from renting to buying but we can only afford to buy a smaller property)

So you currently have 3 bedrooms?

excelled the OP explained that to be able to buy they have to get smaller property than the one they are renting.

I wanted to clarify that's what she meant. Because I don't understand why (even considering affordability) they would have had a three bed with only one DC two nights a month between them, then have another child and downsize to two.

How big is the master bedroom? Could you split that and put a double in the smaller room?

The children need their own rooms with that age gap and it sends an awful message to SS if you boot him out of his room when a new baby arrives- your family life will run much more smoothly without a resentful teen in it!

I can’t believe people would say to continue to rent rather than buy

As he’s rarely there, he could stay in DDs room and she sleep in with you. Change the bedding to his tastes and have some storage for him. It’s inappropriate for a toddler to share with a teenager and it’s crazy that the resident child shouldn’t have her own room for the sake of two nights a month.

This isn't going to work for long.

No, they CANNOT share beyond the baby days when you can move her cot in with you.

It is completely inappropriate, for example, for a 15 year old boy to share a room with a 5 year old.

And if you can see your partner getting arsey when you want your daughter to be able to have flowery walls or Frozen posters on the wall, because 'it's Egbert's room too' - then just don't move in.

Your - his too - daughter needs to be able to feel she's got her space to play and sleep, her room.

His son already has one... at the home he spends practically all his time at.

If this is about absent parent guilt, your partner needs to snap out of it. Yes the space has to work for his son. No it can't mean treating them 'equally' in the home which his son only visits twice a month but his daughter has nowhere else to be.

@Brieminewine

I can’t believe people would say to continue to rent rather than buy

As he’s rarely there, he could stay in DDs room and she sleep in with you. Change the bedding to his tastes and have some storage for him. It’s inappropriate for a toddler to share with a teenager and it’s crazy that the resident child shouldn’t have her own room for the sake of two nights a month.

This.

She can fit in with you until she is about 8 when her brother stays over.

After that her half-brother will be an adult and hopefully unselfish enough to realise his younger sister needs her own bedroom, so he will sleep on the sofa if he stays over.

There is a general issue on MN about siblings not sharing rooms or not realising they should make space for one another so they can see each other.

In reality I know families with no space for kids to have separate bedrooms regardless of sex, and also know half-siblings who don't live enough with one parent so know to sleep wherever so they can all fit in. (I fell into the latter camp and have neighbours who still do.)

As SS only stays a few nights per month, the resident child, your DD should have a room and SS sleep on pull out on sofa. Yes it’s not ideal, however he has a bedroom at his moms house. I would definitely buy a smaller home then renting a larger one.

A boy should not share with a girl
A crying baby should not be put in with a child
On the days he's sleeping over why can't he share a room with his dad and you stay with your daughter?!!

Longer term it wouldn't be appropriate. However, I also don't think that the ss should be made to always feel like a visitor imposing with no base on his visits. OK he only sleeps for 2 nights a month, but how many occasions is he there? Being able to go to a room is just as important for him too to feel a part of the unit.
I'm many ways it's quite selfish to want to move to a 2bed to own but only be willing to make genuine provision for your shared child.
I think that it should be a shared bedroom tbh and that he deserves his privacy more than a 1yo,so maybe a daybed or trundle style bed for baby to move to. Or indeed just a single with rail that he uses with his own duvet cover etc on his visits.
Making the bedroom decor unisex.
Baby can easily share with you for at least the next 5 years in a small blow up with you for 24 nights a year as a very young child. Talk of this being so disruptive is absolutely rubbish.

I suppose dad just wants to ensure that his child has a bed to feel part of the family. I think an air bed might make his son feel like an afterthought.

If I’m being honest I probably would not have moved to a smaller home at this point. His son will get older and your situation will simplify. Sharing is not ideal but I suppose you could have baby share a room with you guys when his son stays?

Your partner's views should carry the same weight as yours in any decision concerning his children. There are several reasonable alternatives. Your daughter can share your room for 2 days a month and the son can have the room for the 2 days. You can defer moving until you can afford adequate lodging for a family of 4. One of you can consider looking for a 2nd job to supplement family income so that you can afford adequate lodging.

The son is not a guest or visitor in the home that the father provides for him. He is a member of his father's home with equal standing and equal consideration should be given to his comfort both physically and emotionally. He should not be relegated to guest status based upon a court order. Your partner is a 24/7 parent to 2_children.