'Argumentative' SS9

[Wherearemyshoesplease]

For a bit of context ive been with my partner for 2.5 years and we moved in together around 6 months ago. He has a DS9 and I have no children. DP has his son every other weekend and also dinner twice every week. I like my step son, he's not a bad kid. I've noticed this before but it's more apparent since we've been living together. SS9 has to be right about everything. He's been here the last 3 days and to be honest I've found it quite tiring. You could say to him the sky is blue and you'd be wrong. He doesn't necessarily 'argue' with you but will try and shut you down immediately. We'll be watching TV and DP will say something like did you see that dog over there? 'No, there wasn't a dog'. Yes, there was. 'No there wasn't, if you carry on saying there was then I'll leave the room'. He also gets wound up very easily, in situations you wouldn't expect someone to get annoyed.

I was really looking for tips on how to deal with this. As I said before, he's not a bad kid and we get on well but I don't have any children myself so I'm not too sure what the best approach would be? It's exhausting having a basic conversation with him.

Let him leave the room?

What happens if you prove him wrong?

My mom said she saw a certain bird on new years day both my sister and I immediately jumped on her enquiring if she was sober enough to drive she actually turned the car around to prove it was there it certainly shut us up

My SD does this, it is annoying as it constantly derails the conversation. She butts in on other convos and does it, it's not just ones involving her. I met her when she was ten, she's fourteen now and the disagreeing has advanced to being very offensive and intrusive. If her father and I are speaking she will keep talking louder and louder shouting dad listen to me listen to me.

I've always tried to just not react but respond "I understand that may not be how you make risotto but it's how I make risotto" "that's ok if you don't like what I've done in the house, we all have different taste" "we are talking but will listen in a minute".

I am going to follow your thread with interest as I don't feel my way has helped at all. We have been away (precovid) with extended groups involving other kids her age but all the attention / conversation is dictated by her. Her dad doesn't notice. I'm not her parent. I want to be compassionate to her but I find it annoying and tiring.

DP notices sometimes, and sometimes he doesn't. When he does, he just kind of laughs and says 'oh ok then' which I don't think is the best thing to say.

I have a son who’s 8! This is a challenging age anyway 😂..... look you need to pick your battles! Who cares if he wants to be right about nonsense!! He’s a kid and let me tell you this is only the beginning.

As long as he’s not being rude/aggressive or upsetting then meh move on.

@Kel9 I do get what you're saying about picking battles. I'm just finding it quite challenging when everyone is apparently wrong with every single thing they say! I do find it a little rude when I'm told that unless I agree with him then he will leave the room and basically not engage with me or DP any further!

I think if he's being rude, being reminded to be polite etc is fine. But actually I suspect your DP has a good tactic, it takes the fight out of the conversation. You don't have to prove you're right to a child and I wouldn't get into a debate over trivial matters. I'd probably make a light hearted comment - like your DP and move on. Don't engage.

Plus, the leaving the room thing - i'd say 'the doors that way'

It sounds like he's unsettled about you moving in. So just being disagreeable for the sake of it. Are you always around or does he get plenty of 1-1 time with his Dad?

My DS same age is like this.
I don't think it's a step child thing just an arrogant 9 yr old boy thing
We just laugh at him about it.
He'll argue that the sky is green and grass is blue. He has to be right even when he's clearly not.
We just roll our eyes and say 'ok think what you want to think.'
Sometimes he does strop off and I leave him to it.
I think it would be worse to over react and give him the power

@converseandjeans He was like this before me and DP lived together, I just notice it more now. They have huge amounts of 1 on 1 time, I usually get on with my own thing or go out to make sure they do!

Could your dh say "Ok off you go!" when he threatens to leave. Or could you suddenly find things you need to do elsewhere when he starts.

@CherryLilt SS can usually sense when he's being humoured and then gets really wound up and cross! So DP doesn't tend to do that.

My step son can be the same and it is tiring. One of my brothers is still like this and he’s in his mid 30s. He’ll insist a book you’re reading is terrible even if he hasn’t read it. He once bet someone it wasn’t raining when they were sitting outside and it was literally raining on them. It’s called being a contrary pain in the arse and some people just are like that. It’s infuriating.

With my SS I mostly ignore it and take the “if you say so” approach because life is too bloody short and I cannot be arsed. If he threatened to leave the room DH or I would tell him to go for it. I’m not being threatened in my own home. So it’s a balance, a tricky one, and picking your battles on a case by case basis helps.

With my brother I tend to laugh or tell him to grow up. We adore each other and he has many great qualities but his need to be right (especially when he’s wrong or blatantly taking the piss) still winds me up and we’ve been doing this dance all of our lives...

My DP quite often feels the need to be right about some things, but not all, and won't argue with anyone about it or sulk if they don't agree.

[quote Wherearemyshoesplease]@Kel9 I do get what you're saying about picking battles. I'm just finding it quite challenging when everyone is apparently wrong with every single thing they say! I do find it a little rude when I'm told that unless I agree with him then he will leave the room and basically not engage with me or DP any further! [/quote]
Yes I can see that it would be frustrating my son does similar things. Just walk away and don’t engage with him if he’s being silly.

He’s a boy and I can hand on heart say he’s pushing boundaries like most his age.

I thinknit is probably a bit of half and half. In that most kids go through a phase of this type of thing and will interrupt you whilst speaking etc but the 'else I will leave the room' is overboard and has been pandered to too much, and is his version of a toddler throwing their toys out of a pram. You need to speak to partner and agree on a tactic for when he does. Personally I say something like, I'd rather you come and sit down but if you don't want to fine. When you stop playing up to him he will stop. I haven't got it yet but there is a Joanne fortune book about teenagers I was going to get. I think some general tactics on how teenagers work may help

I tend not to get involved in things like this normally as I've made a couple of suggestions to DP before and they were shot down. DP very rarely says no to SS which I don't agree with so I end up staying out of it!

You've got this forever if you stay with his father. Other peoples children , when they are rude and spoilt, are awful to put up with and often stay the same into adulthood.

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

You've got this forever if you stay with his father. Other peoples children , when they are rude and spoilt, are awful to put up with and often stay the same into adulthood.

I think you are over thinking this?

For Christ sake he’s a 9 year old boy! Not Satan himself! Of course it’s going to be tough having a blended family is always bloody work! This is fixable he’s pushing boundaries ....I love seeing the posts that say oh well end the relationship this is just terrible 😂🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

His building his skills for becoming a future leader!

I have a ds same age who can be a contrary pain in the ass. But I think you might need to have a chat with your dh about what role you do have in the upbringing of his son - you're living together now and dss is spending a fair amount of time with you both, so you do play a role.

My nearly 8 year old stomps off screaming he isnt going to listen or talk to us anymore I tell him to walk quietly he refused yesterday so I turned the stairs light off he came flying back down i told him to try it again WITHOUT the noise he apologised and went quieter

Do you want children with him?

A man who won’t say no is a bad parent and not one I’d want to live with or have children with.

We'll be watching TV and DP will say something like did you see that dog over there? 'No, there wasn't a dog'. Yes, there was. 'No there wasn't, if you carry on saying there was then I'll leave the room'.

I'm guessing you don't have a sky box with a rewind function?

Someone upthread said their brother was like this...my DH can be like this too...I often have to find irrefutable evidence to prove him wrong. Then he'll shift the goalpost of possible.

So he might say something happened in a certain year...I say no it was this year until...until I dig into my memory and say...but that was when the Olympics were in London...it was 2012.

Then he'll usuly quietly acknowledge or say...I knew it wasn't 2014 though. Hugely frustrating. He doesn't just do it with me either...DD is a bit like me and she'll Google it and show him.

I wonder if your SS is like this with his friends. My BIL says DH has always been like this and gave a similar example to the sky being blue or the grass being green.