Moving in together, his role?

[Workingmummyy]

I have a dd 7, its been me and her from day 1, father not on the scene.

We are soon moving in with my partner, he has a ds bit older and will stay every other weekend.

This is all new to me, i want to make sure we start as we mean to go on. Dd is already talking about calling him dad, she hasnt yet but wants to, which is so lovely, they have a brilliant relationship, it does make me nervous naturally, not that i dont see us lasting but just as its a first.

Anyway im thinking about his role with her, should i tell him from the start how i feel about punishment etc (how i feel that is my job) or what have you done in that respect? and what about the "dad" thing, he said hes happy for her to call him what she likes but ughh i dont know, do i just chill out and let it happen?

What other important blended family things should be discussed at the start?

It depends on how long you have been with him really op ? I would hold off her calling him dad until you are engaged
Or something ( just my opinion ) what happens if you hate living together and it doesn't work out ( and she had to stop calling him dad- would be confusing )
Hope it works out,how exciting for you . Good luck

I agree with pp to wait until you’ve been living together a while.

I’d also talk to him about your role with his child too, so many step mums on here say they are put on once they blend and take on more than the natural parent, which you don’t want. He sounds lovely though so I’m sure it will all be good.

At the start I think it should be like a parents friend moving in, they like the child, like spending time with them, would step in if there was a dangeroys situation about to happen, but they wouldn’t be an additional parent or take on an active parenting role, parenting should still be the responsibility of the parent. By doing that it is also less change for the child, a child who is really excited about someone moving in with go through a huge amount of change, that person suddenly acting like an additional parent is too much too soon.

I wouldn’t be happy with the dad title, he isn’t her dad, and its too soon to think of that sort of permanence. My son will sometimes call my partner Daddy or Daddy ‘Dave’ he is corrected in a kind and age appropriate way by me or by my partner. A few years down the line would be different, but I don’t think its a good idea to start that early on.

We’re on month 10 of living together (my son was 4 when my partner moved in), my partner is still very much not the parent (as it should be), but he does now sometimes do slightly more ‘responsible’ things, so he sometimes walks my son to school, if primary schools in our area close he has offered to do some day time childcare. It obviously isn’t expected and he is welcome to change his mind or say “I’ll do it for two weeks and no more”. If my son is being a pain in the arse he will do what a friend or relative would do “I don’t think you’re allowed to do that” mild redirections etc.

Try to do things without your partner, so I make sure my son and I do things together, sometimes at home, sometimes the park, days out etc. You don’t have to do things as a three all the time.

So this was me a few years ago.

My son and I lived alone until my oh moved in. My son does not call him dad as he has a full time dad of his own. My son was just 5 when oh moved in.

It’s been good however it can be hard work. My oh and my son are like children carrying on all the time lol luckily for us my oh has a son the same age as mine and they get on well... however there are also issues too!

Suppose what I’m trying to say is it’s not a sail in the park! You can’t please everyone and everyday is a learning day. Everyone has different expectations of one another. You can’t expect your partner to take on dad role either as there will be boundaries for him and your child. It’s complicated but if you love your oh you can make it work xx

I think it's a good thing to talk through how you both expect things to be beforehand, but what do you mean by you think discipline should be your job? You will be setting him up for a whole lot of misery if you will be defensive about him not being allowed to deal with day to day behavioural issues.

I think it's good to talk through things first.

But I actually don't think blanket things like 'discipline is my job to do' works when you become a blended family.

Perhaps at first but eventually I think it's important that your partner is in a position where he feels able to speak up in his own home if necessary without checking in with you first. I would hate it if every time my DSC did something naughty (they can be cheeky little so and sos sometimes as all kids can ) I had to wait for DH to deal with it. I think it would lead to lack of respect from them too tbh and possibly some resentment from me 🤷

Fortunately we have similar views on discipline so it works fine but he absolutely is okay with me speaking up and disciplining where necessary as it's both our home and we both deserve to be respected and have a say in it.

I would say hold off with the dad title and allow him to discipline.

I wouldn't let her call him dad at this stage. That could be incredibly difficult for his ds who only gets his dad EOW to all of a sudden live with another child full time. He could resent your dd for it.

Before you permit your child to call him dad, you should know how his son will feel about that. What happens if the relationship ends, will she expect to call every partner dad? What happens if his son resents a child who is not a sibling calling his father dad? That could easily happen in a situation where the son only gets to see his dad on a part time schedule and yet suddenly some other kid is living full time and calling his father" dad.

You are moving in with your partner and your friend. He is not her father and at this point it is too soon to suggest to her that there is some kind of quasi parent relationship.

He should have the same role as any adult with whom you leave her if you were not there. He should be the adult in charge when mom is not present.

You have decided to live together before you have determined that you are in agreement about roles and responsibilities related to your child and seemingly his child. Ideally, those discussions happen before you decide that living together is a good thing.

Have the 2 children had the opportunity to meet and experience time together? Even with a substantial age difference, they should have an opportunity to form an opinion of each other as they too will be impacted by the move.

If there is no pressing reason for the move, it might be a good idea to postpone until you have discussed and a certain that you are on the same page about the roles and responsibilities related to both kids.

He should have the same role as any adult with whom you leave her if you were not there. He should be the adult in charge when mom is not present.

This is really important.

You need to discuss basic rules before you move in together to ensure you are on the same page with both children.

Don't put him or any adult who is looking after your child in the position where they can't do any discipline otherwise your child will behave like a brat.

Also ensure that rules are consistent for both children in the household respecting their ages. If he Disney Dad's his son but "parents" your daughter properly then it will cause issues.