6 year old SD waking up every 2 hrs

[ohdearohdearwhatsnext101]

Hi all,

My step daughter (6) wakes up every single night she stays with us (holidays and every other weekend).

She goes to bed at about 8pm then wakes up at around 11pm then about every hour and a half until 6am. Sometime over 5-10 times a night 😫.

When she wakes up she says she's scared and she wants daddy to tuck her in. Sometimes she's not even really awake, she's half sleepwalking!

When she's with mum she wakes up & gets in bed with mum.
We can't change this as mum doesn't care as it doesn't bother her.

Is it habit? Attention?

Anyone got any tricks or advice of what we can do? 🙏🏻

9 year old DSD still doesn’t sleep through, zero self settling skills whatsoever.DH has tried all sorts over the years but her mum doesn’t think this is a problem so he’s pretty much given up now. It’s definitely the sort of thing that requires a bit of co operation between the parents to have a hope of helping the child.

You have a DH problem. If the mother refuses to parent then he has to and not give up. Absolutely know one said being a parent was easy.

Also I doubt if your DSD had a sleepover (when they are allowed) she would want her dad to share her bed or even be in the room.

Have you tried leaving the landing light on and her bedroom door ajar? I speak from experience as a once-anxious child.

If the mother refuses to parent then he has to and not give up. Absolutely know one said being a parent was easy.
Would you want to be the bad guy and back to square one every single time you see your child? It’s damaged their relationship, no question about it. No point pulling in one direction if the other parent is absolutely determined to pull in the other, with poor DSD hauled around in the middle.
He has tried night lights, fairy lights, landing lights, pat and shush (yes even at her age), gradual retreat, extensive story reading, lavender baths, cry it out (yes, even at her age), special teddies, magic fairies, limited screen time, weighted blankets... no joy.
It’s not dad or even mum specific, any warm body will do. Which reminds me, we have also tried those microwave cuddly toys too.

Can you buy her some kind of huge cuddly protective toy and tell her it's there to look after her? Then maybe talk to her about being brave and set up a star chart and treat system for when she stays in her bed/room?

Does she say what she's scared of? A soft night light maybe? I know with toddlers it's all about 'back to bed' with the parent taking them back to their room and bed every time - the first time saying back to bed but after that with no comment or interaction.

A few all nighters with 'back to bed' every time should get through to her. Plus having a clear line between what happens at mummy's house vs daddy's house. This is an important thing to deal with and she's old enough to learn.

Gosh just read where you have tried it all and the DSD is 9! I think she needs some therapy. This is quite troubled behaviour and there's obviously something g going on in her mind around mummy and daddy not living together.

I would try a weighted blanket, do your research as it needs to be the right weight to work. They really help anxious children

Can her room take a double bed? I would put one in her room and send dad to sleep in with her..... then you can starfish the bed

This was me as a kid- I was terrified that my Dad would leave me in the night and I would wake up the next morning to an empty house. When my parents split up, my Dad probably thought he was just leaving my Mum, but that’s not how I understood it at the time. I used to have to keep checking him in the night to make sure he hadn’t gone anywhere. I can’t remember when (if!) I grew out of it, but I’m 40-something now and still remember the terror of waking up and thinking that I had been abandoned.

@WillaDaPeephole
That’s an interesting insight. How old were you when your parents split? Do you remember it?
My DSD was 2 and can’t remember Daddy ever living with her so we’ve never really considered anything along the lines of what you’ve said could be the problem. You’ve got me wondering.

@Youseethethingis I was a similar age to your DSD, and I also don’t remember the actual events of the split, just the realisation that my Dad wasn’t “secure” and might just disappear. Perhaps if I’d been old enough to understand a bit more it may have helped. Of course my parents never talked it through with me and just moved on to their next families.

@WillaDaPeephole
I don’t think DH has ever talked through the split with DSD as such. She knows that they used to live together but don’t anymore. The only time DH hasn’t seen her consistently is when her mother stopped contact for about 6-8 weeks 3 years ago. He used to see her more than he does, but again her mother decided that loads of after school clubs should be the priority and DSD enjoyed them so DH didn’t want to be the bad guy. He has never ever let her down or not turned up when he was meant to or anything like that (except when banned from seeing her and didn’t want to end up fighting her mother on the doorstep) so would never have thought “daddy abandonment” would have been an issue. It’s a minefield and I have no real insight as my parents are celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary this year.

@Youseethethingis it’s so hard, isn’t it? At nine I would have been described as a bright kid, but looking back now, my feelings about my parents were stuck at a preschool level. I could manage in the daytime, making sure I didn’t do anything to remind my Dad of my Mum, or mention the wrong step-parent, or do anything that would allow him to be angry with me and leave. But at night, alone in the dark, I couldn’t stop the fear that Dad was going to leave again. I probably should have had some counselling, but it was 1984 and I don’t think it had been invented!

@WillaDaPeephole that’s so sad you felt like that
Your description sounds similar to DSD, sharp kid, way ahead of the curve in many respects, turns into a complete baby at night time. Her 18 month old brother has been in his cot in his own room since he was 6 months without any problems and we were hoping that would show her there was nothing to be scared of but it’s not had any effect.
I’m fairly confident that navigating mum and dads feelings isn’t an issue, they buy presents for each other at Christmas and birthdays with DSD, talk positively about each other, even I get involved with that (“your mum is a special person to do the job she does, you must be so proud of her DSD” - home carer) because we all want her to remember that we worked together and there was no bitching in front of her etc.
I know she has co slept since the day she was born and her mum has made a few attempts over the last few years to get her into her own bed but gives up because of the waking and crying (don’t entirely blame her, it must be hard) so it’s not like she’s just like that at our house or anything.
I’ve seen some kids journals around that encourage them to explore their feelings on loads of things. Think I might speak to DH about them and see if she might open up a bit. I suspect it’s not even anything she can exactly articulate herself, but your comments have been very helpful, thank you 💐

Interesting thread. Can I just ask @ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 have either of her parents talked about the divorce to her? As in telling her the age appropriate truth? Have there been actual conversations saying this is what happened, this is why and this is how we are going to deal with it? Has anyone allowed her to ask questions and actually answered them? Because talking to her and encouraging her to ask what she needs to could be the answer. Acknowledging that she is scared and talking about what she's really scared of. Little children will fill in the gaps with all kinds of nonsense if they get told the minimum. Once she hears the truth (not platitudes - don't just say mummy and daddy love you very much) including the whys and details of how it works and can make sense of it all in her head she can then have a conversation about having her own bed.

Maybe get her (or make it as it's probably quite easy to add things to an existing bed) a fairy princess 4 poster (with floaty curtains!) or a magic castle bunk bed. Her own space she feels safe and happy in with some new cuddly toy friends and a space to play. A bed that is 'not for grown ups'.

You can't do anything about her mum but you can change how safe she feels at yours. If your partner doesn't know how to have this conversation a few sessions with him, her and a therapist (and maybe you too - feeling like you actively care might be what she needs).

Could you fix up some sort of bed in your room next to yours that she could just slide into if she wakes?

Other than that I can only think of restricting the visits to day time only and she is taken home in the evening, which doesn't give her mother much of a real break. On the other hand, her mum may not mind at the moment.

I know when mine was the same age he used to wake up scared and it was normal for him to come in and sleep with us, he'd gently slide in between us and settle down. I couldn't imagine him sleeping at another house at that age, frankly.

It doesn't last forever, though, take comfort from that (if you can, I know it isn't much help right now).

Is there a sibling with whom she could share a bedroom?