What advice would you give me in this situation?

[Grobagsforever]

DH died in 2014, I was pregnant with DD2 and had DD1 already.

DD's are now 6 and 10.

Recently my DP officially moved in, after I completed an extension on our home and renovation, although we've been unofficially living together since lockdown.

Generally it is going well. DD's love DP. He bends over backwards to be good to them, I could list the hundreds of things he does for them weekly. They are definitely the priority. In the extension they each have their own newly decorated room to their exact choices.

My eldest is obviously finding the change a little tricky. She worries we might split up, she worries her friends will think he is her dad and she's clearly trying to figure out everyone's roles in our new blended family. She is sometimes rude to DP or moody generally.

Now, she has started puberty so some of this behaviour is to be expected. I'm not overly worried but both DP and I want to get this 100 percent right.

So, other than making time for her, regular 121, taking etc etc what else can I do to support her?

And what can I do to support DP? He insists he's fine but I know taking on two kids a lot. He has a very demanding job on top of this also. I work full time too!

Obviously lockdown hasn't made things any easier and I'm sure when we're all back in regular life with our own friends, schools, jobs, hobbies etc things will feel much less intense!

So if you could start your blended family over what would you do differently?

Forgot to add. DD2 absolutely adores DP, she clearly wishes he was dad.

So sorry to hear about your DH, that must have been so hard for you. I haven’t got experience with this set up. However it sounds like DD1 is frightened her Dad will be forgotten and also probably that she can’t remember much about him anymore. I think lots of reassurance and talking about her Dad, also photos of him around. However I would only have photos in certain places (her room and maybe a playroom if they have one?) as that would probably be hard for DP if there were photos everywhere. Does she spend much time with DH family? With DP I’m sure he understands, If he has a good relationship with DD2 then that’s lovely. Things will improve with DD1 with time once the household dynamic is established.

@Justbecause88

Thanks for replying. We have photos of DH around, she has quite a few in her room and we talk of him often.

She used to spend lots of time with DH family but her grandparents are terrified of COVID despite being in their 60's and in good health so have only seen both girls twice this year, which really hasn't helped at all.

So sorry you have had such a lot to deal with OP, and very pleased you have such a great new partner.

It sounds like you are doing everything you should.

Only other things I find helpful - have clear limits on behaviour you and DP will be OK with - obviously DD1 isn’t pushing it too far now, but just in case the teenage moodiness ramps up, your DP needs to feel you have his back.

More cheerfully we find family meetings really help - once a month to decide on things like holidays and also air any issues. It helps everyone to feel they have a voice (my step kids really like it) and it means everyone learns about differing POVs and to express themselves w out getting angry or upset (mostly).

Without forcing it, try and get both DDs to spent time w DP alone and together w out you - going to supermarket etc.

And obviously - make time for you two. Hard right now but can the GPS take the DDs for a weekend a couple times a year?

Chill Op, take it all slowly and enjoy the pleasures and challenges. You got this! my advice, sit back occasionally and keep an open mind.