Any Zen step parents have advise?

[PotatoParent]

HOW DO YOU LET IT ALL GO

I am not used to being so cross/frustrated all the time.

Complicated situation but I have 2 lovely step children with 2 much less lovely mothers - they are always civil to me, but seem spiteful and nasty to my DH.

I am currently sat at work in the bedroom listening to lovely christmas gift enjoyment that I am unable to be part of as one of their mothers decided asking to know when we would have kids over christmas was unreasonable and said very last minute what the plans were....so christmas leave is all booked up.

We have again had upsetting discussions about why the youngest should maybe think about calling his (ok very lovely) step daddy, something other than DADDY as it is confusing for his brother (who gets upset hearing him call someone else daddy) and obviously his father. This double hurts me, because as a loving step parent don't see why you would want to pretend to be anything other than a step parent, step parents are wonderful, so encouraging a different loving title.

it's just never ending, every time they go back I just wait for the next set of BS from his exes, it's always something, I KNOW, i signed up for it, but I assumed as they are lovely boys that they are good mothers and assumed they would put the kids first, but feelings seem to get in the way.

They have SO MUCH control of my life, and both seem so selfish.

I encourage my DH to not say things in front of the kids, I communicate well with them and reduce drama, I adore the kids, feed and cloth them, play with them, encourage them to contact their mothers when they are here and make sure they are able to talk about their other family and their other home, I really try my hardest to be the best step parent I can be for the kids and my husband.

One of them takes child maintenance even though it is half time and never sends any clothes for him ...she has said she will get round to telling them to stop paying it....but that was in april....then buys very expensive things in the mean time.

They both do what they want and expect us to fit around them, because they are the mums and my DH is just a father, it's frustratingly sexist and he is a very involved and active father.

SO ENOUGH ABOUT THAT, AND BACK TO THE POINT......

HOW DO YOU LET IT ALL GO?

First thing first. If it's truly 50.50, your DH needs to counter claim CMS.

Second, make a new year's resolution. "We will ask for plans with reasonable notice for birthday, Easter etc. She will be given a date by which to discuss and agree between us. Eg. I would like to discuss where the children will be during the Easter holidays. Please can you let me know by 15th Mar what you think so we can sort it out- If she doesn't, we will make the plans which suit us, then go grey rock when she wants last minute changes. "
Do this in writing.

By doing these things a lot of your stress will disappear and what's left will be much easier to manage.

If you find out let me know.

My levels of anxiety will send me to an early grave.

I suppose my previous post could have been summarised as

Remove their powder to dictate to your DH and the anxiety will evaporate!

You sound a lovely stepmum OP

I’ve faced similar. I wouldn’t claim to be zen but have reached a point where I think all I can do sometimes is pray for kids, their mum and the situation. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do. It’s been seven years and kids are getting older - think that’s helped.

Still worry about random stuff popping up at any minute, sad/angry for DH as he’s missed out on a lot as well as been made to look bad. I can’t take all the responsibility for that though.

@MumandnotMum - well I'm glad it's not just me!

Surely they will grow out of it like the kids have some of their less lovable phases!

@Northernstar1245

Thank you, for various health reasons I am unlikely to be anything more than a step parent, but I am so lucky to have them and my DH.

Reassuring to know that time and age helps.

I have to agree with you, that watching the pain my husband suffers as a result of the situations is one of the worse parts, as I can't do anything to stop it.

Thank you for replying. New to mumsnet and already appreciate hearing from people, none of my friends are step parents, or most are not parents and it is such a unique experience with hard to understand pains and joys.

It is difficult isn’t it. Most people I know struggle to understand so I don’t speak about the situation much.

Any other friend or relative that provides similar or often, less care in a given family is usually showered with appreciation. Oh aunty so and so is an angel, they love spending time at granny’s and so on.

I’ve only ever really had dirty looks despite having zero to to with end of marriage and doing my best to care for kids. I just came a few years afterwards - that’s it. I’ve run it through my head to question if this is the reason why, but they wouldn’t have been one of the couples you see that split up and get back together several years later. They have extremely different values. So I’m at a loss.

If it were me I’d be nice or at least indifferent to the person that was spending time around my kids, as this can only benefit them.

I understand how you feel, my DSSs mum is perfectly nice, if a very different type of parent to me and DH, but DSDs mum is just awful. She went through a stage of encouraging DSD to call him 'Nasty Daddy' and her new bf "Nice Daddy'; she moved house, dropped contact and told DSD that DH was in prison; when we reported her to SS after DSD told us her current bf had locked her out in the garden with the dogs one night for wetting the bed, she made a load of vicious counter claims and coached DSD (4 at the time) with things to say. The list goes on for days so as you can imagine I absolutely fucking DESPISE her but I've had to learn to just let it go, leave well alone and leave it to DH. She is always, always going to be a part of our lives and there's nothing to be done about that. Being angry with her and hating her doesnt help and causes me stress I don't need so I've finally managed to stop caring about anything she says or does. DSD has learned not to repeat it back when her mum slags my kids off and honestly everything else just goes over my head now. Not sure how I got to that point though! Just time I think and learning from experience that nothing I do will ever change her vile attitude. Good luck, its not easy!!

OP, you say that the moms are very civil to you but not so much to your husband. Perhaps they treat you the way that you treat them. Perhaps your husband has been less than civil to them and they respond to him in a similar fashion.

You do not to become angry on his behalf. He is an adult , let him manage his own adult relationships. Does it not seem add to you that he would have an acrimonious relationship with both moms? The common denominator in this unhappy triangle is your husband.

It may be that he is the source of friction in these interactions. You cannot fix him nor can you fix the moms. The only control that you have is over your own reactions. Fix yourself by stepping back and letting them respond to each other as they see fit.

Make your own plans and do not alter your plans based upon any decisions that they make. Your husband reproduced with 2 different women and could not sustain either relationship, that might have been a red flag related to his ability to commit to and sustain a positive relationship with a woman.

In your situation, I would not consider having a child with this man. That does not seem to be a position that leads to harmony with him.

@Tiredoftattler

I understand what you are saying, and with all due respect; you don't know the situation well enough to choose to blame him.

I see the way he talks to them and the way they respond and unfortunately it is not like for like.

Yes they are civil to me, but I have also experienced a lot of rubbish, they are not rude because I am not rude, but i have experienced hypocrisy and condescension first hand.

It is very easy to judge and I put my situation out there so your comment is fair, but incorrect.

I cant comment on the past, but their actions and the tears we have from their children as a result of their choices speak volumes.

I am unable to have children, life doesn't work out they way you plan it, certainly hasn't for my lovely husband.

My husband is a good man and a lovely father, contraception is not 100% and it takes two to dysfunction.

Very easy to blame the dads, he is not perfect, but I would hope grown women who willingly procreated with him would be able to be civil to the father of their children.

The simple fact is some mothers feel entitled, rather than see parenting as an equal thing, if a father did some of the things that they have, things would have been very different.

Cant get my head around the sexism and am not fortunate enough to have carried a child so not sure how someone can feel isolating a child from one of their children is ok.

Thank you for your comment even if I disagree.

@ShinyGreenElephant

Sorry to hear that, that sounds awful for you and the kids.

You are right, just have to try and let it go, easier some days than other.

@Northernstar1245

agree

It is definitely really helpful knowing people feel the same, glad i vented on here!

DH gets upset that they get to me, and I don't want to put more on him.

Truly he can't fully get it but he tries.

Thank you so much for your responses.

@Redkatagain

First thing first. If it's truly 50.50, your DH needs to counter claim CMS.

Second, make a new year's resolution. "We will ask for plans with reasonable notice for birthday, Easter etc. She will be given a date by which to discuss and agree between us. Eg. I would like to discuss where the children will be during the Easter holidays. Please can you let me know by 15th Mar what you think so we can sort it out- If she doesn't, we will make the plans which suit us, then go grey rock when she wants last minute changes. "
Do this in writing.

By doing these things a lot of your stress will disappear and what's left will be much easier to manage.

How would a counter claim work? I thought no one was entitled to maintenance when 50/50?

@PusheenLove @Redkatagain

Not sure about counter claiming, or claiming back the CMS he has been paying since it first went 50.50

Will ask him to go on the online account and look into it

Yes you can counter claim.

DH has 2 children with his EW. DSS lives 100% with ex. DSD 100% with us. So exactly 50.50.

She pays him for DSD and he pays her for DSS. All done through CMS. They earn about the same but because he pays into a pension and she doesn't, the net outcome is a v v small amount in his favour- actually in DSD favour as she gets it for spends (she is 12)

All done through the CMS ( and also claim CB for one child each)

So yes, if it's genuine 50.50 you can counter claim and in our case there is maintenance payable on both sides. They do NOT necessarily cancel each other out.

@Redkatagain

Yes you can counter claim.

DH has 2 children with his EW. DSS lives 100% with ex. DSD 100% with us. So exactly 50.50.

She pays him for DSD and he pays her for DSS. All done through CMS. They earn about the same but because he pays into a pension and she doesn't, the net outcome is a v v small amount in his favour- actually in DSD favour as she gets it for spends (she is 12)

All done through the CMS ( and also claim CB for one child each)

So yes, if it's genuine 50.50 you can counter claim and in our case there is maintenance payable on both sides. They do NOT necessarily cancel each other out.

Interesting. Can you counterclaim for the same child though? (OPs case).

I validate you OP. some ExWs are a pain in the backside. Don’t ask y? Don’t look for reasons, excuses for weird selfish behaviour. They just are. You cannot control it. I used to drink a lot but wouldn’t advise that. Tai chi?

My ex ended up doing a yearly planner with his ex which was then agreed on (all via email so had a paper trail). It also helped the children involved know where they would be.
If alterations were requested the other party had 14 days to reply they didn't have to accept alterations.
This helped reduce tensions /ongoing disagreements /mum changing her mind about access at last minute - didn't solve everything. Was all done at mediation and was detailed down to exact time. Was always done when school released the holidays for the year.

@Witchymclovely - thank you, Tai Chi! Why not eh!

@Itmaybeus - that sounds amazing and so organised, might try suggesting that, think it would reduce arguments and be better for the little guys as well.