SD not wanting to spend any vacation day with us

[Anuta77]

This weekend was our weekend with SD, we had a good time, she got her gift, we were dancing with our toddler, had a special meal, played board games. She clearly had a good time. When asked if she would like to spend some time with us on vacation (schools are closed until jan 11), it was a firm No. When I asked her why, she said she was lazy (!).
And it's not like she wants to be home, yesterday, she had to be dropped at her mother's boyfriend's house where she sleeps in his office on a foldable sofa.

She's 14 and can make her decisions. She comes strictly EOW, not one day more. Ever. Not when the school was online, not on vacation. If she's invited to our house for a birthday, even if it's her father's (pre-covid), the response is "well, I'll see if my mom doesn't have other plans". Even during covid when you can't really have plans as everything is closed and gatherings are not allowed. Her mom never brings or collects her, so it sounds like she'll come if she has nothing more interesting, which is honestly a bit insulting as her birthday is made special by us. Obviously, when her mom decides to do something with her on my DP's time, they just inform DP, nobody asks for his plans.

It wasn't always like that, before she turned 12, she would spend 50/50 with us in the summer and few days on Xmas holidays. Then it stopped.

To be honest, I feel like whatever efforts I (and her father, but it's his job) make to make her feel good here are for nothing.
And I find it annoying that when she comes, she expects my toddler to be after her, to kiss her and to miss her and gets somewhat offended when he's not into her. And I feel bad for DP who tiptoes around her and wants to please her with whatever, precisely because she's very sweet with him, but at the same time, keeps her distances.

I feel it's so unfair when even older teenagers come to stay with their fathers, no matter what their relationship with the SM is. How did we get to a situation where staying with the father whom she clearly loves is not important and it's not even because she has fun plans with friends? It takes time to adapt to a place after 2 weeks, so spending a bit more time together would allow us to bond more, but it's just imporssible. Yet, they do have time to bond with her mother's boyfriend and his teenage son.

I think that it's quite normal for teenagers to not care about time with either parents. I barely saw my parents at that age. I was either out with friends or sitting in my room. It's not nice but teenagers are self- centered, entitled and unappreciative. I know I was and your toddler probably will be too.

I’d step right back. Contact often changes as children get older. It will no doubt change again in the next year or two, possibly to even less time with your DP.

Just continue to be welcoming and ensure she gets plenty of 1:1 time with her Dad when she is there.

@KylieKoKo

I think that it's quite normal for teenagers to not care about time with either parents. I barely saw my parents at that age. I was either out with friends or sitting in my room. It's not nice but teenagers are self- centered, entitled and unappreciative. I know I was and your toddler probably will be too.

I'm not saying my toddler won't be self centered. He is self centered right now (which is normal for his age). I also have a 13 year old, who, as long as he has his videogames wouldn't have minded to play in his father's house (if the father were present).

But SD does follow her mother to her boyfriend's (whom she calls stepfather) house most of the time and now is not the time when one can spend time with friends.

In our house, she has her room and she's free to watch her videos (she comes with her laptop) there as much as she wants, which is what she does, until she feels like socialising with any of us. That's why I don't understand, what's the difference between doing it in her house, in the mother's boyfriend's house or at ours.

Maybe she just feels more at home and relaxed at hers. Or maybe she just can't be bothered with the journey between houses. I think you need to stop taking this personally and let your partner deal with it.

I get why it irks you, it is frustrating pouring in loads of time and effort into somebody that makes it plain they aren't all that bothered, no less so with step children. But why not see it as a good thing for you that she isn't jumping for more contact? All the less time you are putting effort in that feels wasted, isn't it better than her coming over more but reluctantly, and moping?

Why not just take her answer at face value? Obviously, she enjoys the time that she spends with you. Her saying that she is lazy may just be teen talk for saying that it is a bother to be moving between 3 houses particularly for teens who tend to be very comfortable with their own company.

Enjoy the time that she spends with you and be comfortable with the fact that unlike many teens she does not seem to be moody or problematic. Your home may be the only one in which she has the option of saying no.

You have a good relationship and a seemingly satisfied teen, you should be thanking the heavens for your good fortune.

I think you should count your blessings!

You're trying too hard.

On the flip side of this (and I'm not saying this is the case but..) my dds go to their dads and in his eyes "have fun" by making clay figures, dancing, playing Wii etc. However they are just being polite, when they come home it's "they treat us like we're little kids" so it could be a possibility. My dds spend a lot of time in their rooms (they dont have a room at dads) so spending hours outside their room is not appealing to them.

(They do come down to play board games if they want to-but its their choice and not forced)

Do you do anything with her that is for her age and that she is in to?

The dancing part was just an example and she likes dancing, she sometimes puts a video and does the choreography or makes my toddler repeat after her. We are not an overfunctioning unit, in my opinion, it's the opposite. She has all the liberty to stay in her room and watch her endless videos.

She seems to be doing (or following her mother who's much more sociable than us) activities and several times when I asked, she says she's bored there, it seems that she's sort of forced to go to parties or camping (she couldn't care less about nature) where she has to wake up insanely early with the mother and the "stepfather", yet, it seems to be a priority for her.

But I know it's the way it is and I'm working on finally accepting that there's no blended family anymore in our case and she just comes to visit her dad EOW because that's what she "has" to do.

You are stressing yourself needlessly. She is 14 and likely does most of what she does with her parents because she has to do it. Teenagers can be self absorbed and quite fond of their alone time . She is not privy to your particular expectation or fantasy of how a blended family functions.

Accept the fact that your reality is so much better than that of many and that your SD is functioning as a teenager whose time is split between 3 households. How do you think that your would function if you had to define home as 3 different places and you were not given much say in the scheduling? This child has probably learned to accommodate and realizes that her unique personality and needs do not play a major role in any of her 3 environments.

I understand you. My ss is 9 and since my oh moved in with me and my son he’s never stayed over and also refuses holidays.

It’s weird as he loves spending time with my son who’s the same age.. I think a lot of this had to do with his mum!! It’s hard work and we have to travel 50 min each way to get him back and forth. I feel sorry for my oh but we don’t push it. The life of a blended family eh! 🤷‍♀️ Xx

@Tiredoftattler

You are stressing yourself needlessly. She is 14 and likely does most of what she does with her parents because she has to do it. Teenagers can be self absorbed and quite fond of their alone time . She is not privy to your particular expectation or fantasy of how a blended family functions.

Accept the fact that your reality is so much better than that of many and that your SD is functioning as a teenager whose time is split between 3 households. How do you think that your would function if you had to define home as 3 different places and you were not given much say in the scheduling? This child has probably learned to accommodate and realizes that her unique personality and needs do not play a major role in any of her 3 environments.

I don't know why you're saying that her unique personality do not play a major role in, at least, our environnement. We let her do what she wants, which is laying in her bed in her pjs and watching videos. I do ask her what she wants to do and try to listen. There isn't much that can be done these days other than walking in nature, but knowing that she doesn't like it, I rarely even suggest it.

I find it ridiculous that her mother makes her to her boyfriend's house, even when he was doing renovations, but she's the mother. And SD only accomodates the mother. Like I said, if the mother makes plans on our weekend, SD goes. We NEVER make her miss time with her mother, unless there's a birthday and even then, it's a gentle suggestion and she doesn't feel bad to refuse.

@Kel9

I understand you. My ss is 9 and since my oh moved in with me and my son he’s never stayed over and also refuses holidays.

It’s weird as he loves spending time with my son who’s the same age.. I think a lot of this had to do with his mum!! It’s hard work and we have to travel 50 min each way to get him back and forth. I feel sorry for my oh but we don’t push it. The life of a blended family eh! 🤷‍♀️ Xx

Yes, I also think that it has to do with the mother who creates this aura of "family" when it's her and her non live-in boyfriend. SD doesn't even refer to us as family, not even when she was younger and was playing with my older son and seemed to love him. Her mother once refered to me (talking to my DP) as "the woman who lives with you", whereas the boyfriend is her daughter's stepfather...

Yep same here. When we first got together my oh ex said to her son during drop off for everyone to hear that I would never be his step mum and my son would never be his brother! What a way to start eh!

So I let it be, I’ve my own son to worry about. As sad as it sounds I keep myself busy when he visits and let my oh have his day with him. X

Op I sympathize. We have the exact same setup here but worse. When she does grace us with her presence it is on the strict understanding that we will be tending to her hobbies and interests. If something more appealing comes up at her mother's then she cancels us, no apologies. She demands her dad pick her up on different days if her mum isn't available despite him explaining that he has a full-time job.

We don't give into the demands / emotional blackmail and we don't try to force guilt or coerce her into coming if she doesn't want to. I saw this go very wrong with her older siblings. We simply tell her we want to see her so to let us know if she's coming.

There is no point you taking it personally. She feels at home with her mum. If contact changes and she's just dropping over for dinner for a few years then let her. Quality over quantity. Things might swing the other way and the most important thing is that she knows she is welcome.