AIBU about DSD?

[LowestEbb]

NC'd for this. Please, please be gentle.

I had a miscarriage 12 days ago. First pregnancy. Utterly devastated but had to put on a brave face for christmas etc.

DH has 4 kids whom I love dearly and we have a great relationship. DSD, 14, though, is very rude and insensitive, this is well known and she has in the past been awful to everyone, DH included. I've known her since she was 8 and this has always been the case so I do think it's just her personality.

Every year my side of the family do a big Christmas get together, obviously this year that couldn't happen so instead we did a big Zoom call where we opened secret Santa presents. All of DH's kids are obviously included in this and DSD got a lovely set from my adult niece.
However, she refused to come into the zoom call, and didn't thank my niece. Just was on her phone watching videos, opened her present and put it to one side. I got a text from her asking if DSD liked her present, which was awkward as I had to thank her on her behalf.

I asked DH if he could talk to her about it, that I was disappointed after everything I've done for them all over Christmas that she couldn't even muster the strength to just pop her head on and say thank you. This may seem like a relatively small thing but it's come at the end of a long line of rude and mean behaviour from her and I am just getting sick of it. I ended up leaving the zoom after only about 20 mins because it was just not enjoyable. I miss my family so much.

Anyway this morning I asked DH if he had spoken to her yesterday, he said no as he 'hadn't had time'. So the moment has gone as they were dropped back at their mums today.

I've been through so much and made such an effort to make this Christmas nice for them. I'm still bleeding and signed off work. I had to have surgery and still cramping and I'm so up and down all the time.

I feel like all that matters is his family and mine are consequential. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it because of everything I'm going through. I'm just so so tired of the rudeness and DH not helping her by nipping it in the bud.

I'm just so sad. AIBU??

How rude and ungrateful! Actually there’s another thread similar to this running at the moment. He dad really should have said something at the time.

Thank you @HermioneMakepeace so much. She's really very ungrateful and everyone struggles with her.

DH and I had a big argument this morning and now not talking. I'm very very low.

That is really poor behaviour, you shouldn't have to put up with that, especially with everything else you're having to deal with.
Teens can be moody and mardy but rude behaviour shouldn't be allowed to slide. Your DH should have def pulled her up for this

How absolutely awful for you. What is it with some SC? I remember a story on here a few years ago when the SM was forced to sit in the back of the car so the SD could ride in the front. It was clear she was treated as the alpha female by her dad and poor SM was relegated to second-class status.

Do you have support IRL from family and friends?

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and I'm also so sorry that you had so much work to do over Xmas despite the fact that you are still going through it.

I'm going to go against the grain here to say I think being slow to go on zoom is common at that age- a lot of 14 year olds are awkward! As a parent of teens, I pick my battles, and I personally wouldn't challenge my child about that on Christmas Day.

I am usually very strict on manners, however ... Christmas is a time full of emotion for everyone, and can be overwhelming for everyone. Being between two households can be tough for the children too. So I'd let it slide. That's how I would deal with it personally, but I don't want to take away from how tough things have been for you over the week.

No you are not being unreasonable. Don't include her in things on your side of the family in future, and actually you shouldn't feel obliged to include any of them. You mentioned that you feel like only his side of the family matters and yours are consequential, which sounds like part of a wider problem. You aren't obliged to centre everything around his kids or heavily involve them in your family. You need to carve out space in your life that doesn't revolve around them, your family could be an element of that.

Thanks all. Pretty unanimous.

@DariaMorgendorffer I'm the opposite, I'm not one for punishments and we always try to talk through what's going on with DSC's.
It wasn't actually christmas day, it was yesterday and we'd had the Christmas day thing on boxing day already. This was just because it was the only day all my family could do.

He's apologised and said he will speak to her, but the ship has sailed hasn't it??

Crossed wires here: I don't do punishments at all. Not my style of parenting.

For me, being strict on manners means a lot of things...one of which is thanking someone for Xmas gifts. I said this to demonstrate that I understand why you were disappointed with her refusal to go on zoom - I get it.

But ... I also get why maybe she didn't want to go on zoom. I don't think this kind of scenario is uncommon from the many children i know of a similar age.

That is just my view, and really is not too important as I'm a stranger on the internet.
Again, I'm sorry you've had such a tough time recently.

If this is one of many ongoing incidents with your dp then I hope you can tackle it togerther, and that things improve in your relationship. Take care.

Thank you @DariaMorgendorffer x

@LowestEbb
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'd just like to echo what's already been said - she sounds very rude and your DP should be addressing it.

Condolences on your loss, OP.

I think you have a DH problem. If his daughter has been consistently rude to people since the age of eight then he has presumably been ignoring this for six years? Your example shows poor behaviour but why has she been allowed to get away with rudeness all this time? That’s the conversation I’d be having with my DH in your shoes.

If he plans to send her into the world like this, she is going to have some poor experiences.

Thanks @MeridianB absolutely agree. He sometimes will challenge her, and he has definitely got better over the years but then something like this happens and it just starts all over again.

There's absolutely no point him discussing it with her tomorrow, the time has passed and it will just seem like it's come from me and I'll be the bad guy.

I don't think the time has passed. As matter of fact a discussion about gratefulness, appreciation and thankfulness might have much more of an impact now than in the mist of the moment.

He needs to do it though.

I am sorry for your recent loss. Having suffered a miscarriage, I know that sense of loss and grief that you experience.

Not wanting to take part in the family zoom experience was not a slap towards you or your family. Not everyone enjoys zoom events and I can see why a 14 year old may not have felt the need to participate in this particular form of celebration.

My kids do thank you notes and texts for gifts that they receive for Xmas , but they do not mail or send them out until 2 or 3 days after Xmas.

Given that it is only 3 days after Xmas, I do not think that you SD had gone beyond the time that a reasonable person would have mailed or texted a Thank You Note.

This year has been trying for everyone, kids included. Perhaps your SD was finding the new Xmas normal to be more challenging than she was prepared to handle . None of you know what motivated her response to participation in the zoom call, and yet you are willing to attribute some negative motivation to her actions. That seems a bit unfair.

You have all been under stress. It seems equally plausible that the stress of the pass year and recent weeks may be impacted the behavior and responses of your household.

Let us all hope that 2021 will be a better year for all of us.

I wouldn’t include DSC in presents with your family in future. We do Christmas with my family separately and involve DH family when my DSS are with us. It’s definitely very ungrateful of your DSD and your DH should have spoken to her. However I think trying to include step children when they are probably already getting lots from their mother and fathers families is unnecessary, and as proven by your DSD lack of appreciation.

Just wanted to offer a handhold. I was in your position last Christmas. Missed miscarriage, surgery, bleeding and step children who weren't particularly nice. It's hard and even harder when your hormones and emotions are all over the place. Yes she sounds rude but don't take on this battle right now. Concentrate on caring for yourself and getting through it.

Thanks all.
DH has apologised and says he 'forgot' to talk to her. We've just gone to light a candle at the tree of light in the village for our baby. I'm feeling very empty.
He says he will talk to her tomorrow when they are next here (we have them 50/50), that he dropped the ball this time and knows he needs to pull her up more.

Will have a think about not including her but I wouldn't want to do that to the other SK's so will look pretty unfair if it's just her, however justified that may be.

I hate being a stepparent sometimes.

My 14 year old DS has behaviour issues and doesn’t have the best social skills, he would hate a zoom call and can come across rude and abrasive at times BUT he would absolutely stick his head on to say thank you, even if it was awkward and then he buggered off again. If he really didn’t want to, he would type it in the chat. It’s inexcusable and I can see why you feel down about it.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Unfortunately many fathers don't want to deal with their precious daughters, so when my SD is rude (she's the same age and I've known her the same amount of time), I sometimes tell her myself. It gives you more power and you could contribute to her realizing that this behaviour will cause issues to her with other people, who will not be so patient.

YANBU.
He should have jumped on that behaviour at the time and dealt with it straight away.
I wouldn’t include her in future with stuff to do with your side of the family if that is how she is going to behave. At 14, she should know better.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Step-parenting can be a thankless task at the best of times but you really don’t need this behaviour on top of everything else. Sending hugs.